146. Infidelity Recovery Expert Q&A: The Questions You’re Too Tired to Keep Asking

When you've been betrayed, it's not just the relationship that breaks; it’s your sense of reality, trust, and self-worth. In those quiet, lonely moments, questions begin to circle in your mind: Why do I still feel stuck? Can I ever trust again? Will I ever feel safe? If you've ever wondered if you're the only one struggling with these thoughts, this episode is here to assure you that you’re not alone.

In this special Q&A edition, I, Luke Shillings, affair recovery expert, answer some of the most common yet quietly asked questions from betrayed partners navigating infidelity recovery. These aren’t just surface-level curiosities; they’re the deeply human fears that come up when you’re trying to hold yourself together.

If you’re craving clarity, comfort, or just the reassurance that someone gets it, this episode offers exactly that.

Key Takeaways:

• Rebuilding self-trust begins not with certainty, but with self-loyalty, even when things go wrong.

• Emotional change in a partner is about presence and vulnerability, not just visible effort.

• Intellectual understanding doesn’t equal emotional healing; your body may need more time.

• Closure doesn’t come from knowing everything; it comes from knowing how to care for yourself, regardless.

• True healing happens in small, compassionate choices, not rushed forgiveness or forced clarity.

💬 Reflection Question:

Which of these questions hits closest to home for you right now?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 146.

Hey, instead of unpacking one core idea I'm going to respond to questions that I see regularly pop up. This is in many different places both on emails, in my group coaching, in my one-to-one coaching, in my Facebook group. The ones that don't always get answered directly but I know that not only do they live in the minds of the individuals asking these questions but often on loop but they also exist in the minds of so many others out there experiencing similar things.

It's these questions that often surface when everything's quiet and usually when you're left alone and you have that kind of ache. If you've ever found yourself thinking am I the only one who feels like this then this episode's for you. First of all I can assure you you are not.

So let's dive straight in. The first question is how do I rebuild trust when I no longer trust myself to trust wisely? Yeah this is this is tough and and honestly it's one of those questions that comes up all the time because at the end of the day after betrayal is it's not just that you don't trust them anymore it's that you stop trusting yourself. You think how did I not see this? Why didn't I just listen to that gut feeling I had? What if I make the same mistake again? What if I choose the wrong relationship or the wrong partner? And then it's that spiral.

It's exhausting because now every single decision feels like a potential mistake that's just waiting to happen. Even good things feel suspicious. Even safe people feel uncertain.

But look just just listen to this. Self-trust isn't about always getting it right. It's not about having perfect instincts or never missing a red flag.

It's about knowing that if something or someone or some situation does go wrong you won't abandon yourself. Instead you'll notice it, you'll pause, you'll respond, you'll have your own back. Because that's what rebuilds trust.

It's when you do it from the inside out. It's not the ability to predict the future but instead it's more like the ability to care for yourself in the future. It's so that you can take that pressure off.

Instead of always needing to be perfect, I see it all the time, this desire for perfection, this desire for control, this desire to wanting to be able to predict the outcome. But it's that desire for that control, for that autonomy over a future for which we cannot control that keeps us stuck. So instead just take the pressure off.

Take the pressure off needing things to be just right and just start with the small, the tiny choices. You know like honouring a boundary. There was such an amazing response to the boundary episode from a couple of weeks ago, episode number 144.

If you haven't already heard that I highly recommend you go back and listen to it. It's about putting yourself in a place where you feel safe to say no when something doesn't feel right. It's letting yourself rest when your body says it's too much.

Because every time that you do that you're reminding yourself, hey I can trust me again. And of course that's where the real safety starts. That's where you can trust yourself to trust wisely.

Okay next question reads, what if my partner says they're doing the work but I'm not seeing real emotional change? I mean I'm going to answer this question because again I know it's one that comes up really regularly. In fact I did a podcast episode on this. I can't remember exactly what number it was.

It was around 110 in in that area. It's quite a clear title forgive me I can't remember off the top of my head. But in that region I'm sure if you take a look you'll be able to find that.

Okay so I mean first of all it's a really frustrating place to be because your partner might be doing all the things or at least seem to be doing. Perhaps they're reading all the books. Maybe they're in therapy.

They're probably even saying all the right things. But something just, I don't know, feels missing. Does that sound right? And that something is usually an emotional presence of some sort.

You're not just looking for effort on paper. You're looking for emotional access, for vulnerability, for change that you can feel not just observe. So perhaps it's worth looking at a distinction.

Doing the work isn't just about the actions. It's about the integration. It's, you know, are they showing more self-awareness? Are they able to sit with discomfort instead of defending or deflecting? Are they hearing your pain without trying to fix it or worse still minimise it? Because anybody can tick boxes.

You know I think even as we, as Betrayed Partners, and I am talking to the Betrayed Partners right now, we can consume all the content we like online. We can read all the books and we can listen to all the podcasts. But as I've said many times before, unless you actually put what you learn into practise, it doesn't really do anything for you.

You might feel like you know a bit more information. But unless you actually take steps and truly implement them, nothing changes. So of course we can recognise how that might show up the same way with our partners.

They've betrayed us. Maybe they are ticking some of the boxes like going to therapy and maybe they have read a book that you've recommended. Or maybe, you know, you've sent them a link to a podcast episode.

Maybe it's even one of my podcast episodes and they've listened to it. But just that passive consumption alone, that isn't necessarily what we're looking for here. It's not enough.

Because, yeah, transformation doesn't look like a checklist. It looks like consistency, humility, slowness, a willingness to be vulnerable and sit in the messy bits even when it's really hard. So if you're feeling stuck in that space, maybe there's just this gentle nudge that I can give you.

You're not being too demanding for wanting to feel change. You're also not wrong for saying that maybe you need more than just effort. You need evidence of some internal growth.

Now of course that is going to look different for different people. I can't just give a blanket statement of well okay this is exactly what you need to see. Because that would in turn make it a checkbox exercise.

And that's not what we're looking for. But you can feel it. You can see change.

You can notice the differences. And it's not about comparing it to somebody else. And you don't need to rush your forgiveness just because they've started showing up differently on the surface.

I mean this isn't really answering this question but it's it's so common that I see people rushing to a place of forgiveness because they think that that in some way will give them a propel them forward to a place where they can feel better. And of course I do recommend forgiveness or at least at the very minimum recommend understanding what forgiveness really means. And I've talked about that many times on the podcast.

But just jumping to a place because it feels like you've completed your tick box exercise. That is not a helpful way to actually move things forward. It's okay to want depth.

You know I mean I'd like details. But it's not just about the activity. It's okay to wait a little bit and watch.

Not as a test but as a way of protecting the version of you that's still healing. Okay so next question. Why do I still feel stuck in pain even though intellectually I've moved on? I mean it sounds a bit cliche to say that this is so common.

I mean this is going to be true probably for every question that I I respond to here. And what I want to do is normalise it. Because here's the thing.

Your mind can understand something that your body hasn't caught up with yet. I'll say that again. Your mind can understand something your body hasn't caught up with yet.

You might know that you're not to blame. You might know the relationship has ended. You might know that they've apologised or that you've made a decision to move forward.

But your nervous system, your emotions, they haven't quite cut up yet. They're still holding on. And that doesn't mean you're broken.

It just means you're human. We often confuse cognitive processing with emotional healing. But they move at different speeds.

Just because you've written about it, journaled it, rationalised it, doesn't mean it's all integrated yet. And one thing I want to really point out here is this really is different for every single person. Everybody's emotional and cognitive abilities to process do not move not only at the same pace as each other, as in within yourself, but they don't move at the same pace as other people either.

There's such a huge variance from one individual to another dependent on many, many things. So complex it's not even worth going into. But lots and lots of different things.

So just don't assume that because your healing journey doesn't look like somebody else's, a little bit like what I touched on in the last last question, it doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong. It just means it's your way of doing it. Think of it a little bit like this.

Your head may be walking ahead, ready to move forward, but your heart is still kind of limping behind. And that's okay. What helps is slowing down enough to let your heart catch up.

It's to stop measuring your healing by what you know and start tuning into what feels right. Sometimes that means giving yourself permission to grieve all over again. Sometimes it means going back to the absolute basics.

Rest. Regulation. Fuelling.

Release. You know one of the first questions I ask, particularly if it's soon after discovery, how's your sleep been? What's your appetite like? Are you out getting outside? Are you moving? You know these really basic fundamental things are so important. We can't do any of the cognitive processing if we haven't nurtured and cared for those core basic things that allow us to even to live and to get up each day.

And let's just remember that healing isn't a straight line. It's not a one-time decision. It's a series of small moments where you continue to meet yourself with compassion, even when you thought you'd be over it by now.

So no, you're not failing. You're still healing. And just because your pain is still present doesn't mean your progress isn't real.

Okay I'll do one more question. I'd actually planned on doing about ten but given the timings already I want to keep these into a bite-sized episode so perhaps I'll do a part two. This question is how do I stop the fear that they'll do it again even if I never get the whole truth? This one goes straight to the gut doesn't it? Because when you've been betrayed your sense of reality just gets completely shaken, shodden.

It's suddenly knowing everything feels like the only way to feel safe. It's that seeking for every last bit of information. You think if I just know all the facts, if I just had all the facts, I could make peace with it.

If I could understand the whole story maybe I could let go. If they were just fully transparent with me I'd know that it wouldn't happen again. But the hard part is that closure doesn't come from the information and all of the answers to the questions that you have.

Because even if you got every answer your brain would just continue to look for more. Every answer that you get usually creates at least two, three, four more questions that you hadn't even considered beforehand and this just never ends. You never get to a place that you actually feel satisfied.

And it's not because you're obsessive but instead just because you're trying to feel safe. It's called future-proofing. Your nervous system saying if I can just prevent another blindside maybe I won't feel this pain again.

Totally understandable. But the thing that many people probably don't want to say out loud, even if you have the full truth, there's still no guarantee. You can never be certain that you will not be betrayed.

Whether that's with your current partner, whether you reconcile, or whether that's in a completely new relationship. There is no secure, guaranteed, 100% certain way of knowing that at some point, either now or in the future, it's not possible that the person you have built a deep connecting loving relationship with may not betray your trust. It doesn't mean they will, it doesn't even mean that there's a high probability, it just means we can't guarantee that it can't.

Because even with all the answers you can't control what somebody chooses tomorrow. So instead of focussing all of your energy on trying to extract every single detail from them, just start focussing on them, the things that you can control, what you need in order to feel secure within yourself. Maybe you should be asking what boundaries will help me feel protected now? What signs of emotional consistency am I seeing or maybe even missing? Am I feeling more grounded in me or more dependent on them? Because real safety doesn't come from knowing everything, it comes from knowing you'll take care of yourself no matter what comes next.

You don't need all the puzzle pieces to move forward, you just need enough clarity inside to choose your next step with confidence. That's where your power is. Look there's no script for recovery, there's no perfectly timed answers, but these questions, these questions that you the people are asking, they're not signs that you're broken.

They're signs that you're thinking, you're trying, you're in it and you're not alone. If this episode resonated with you, I need to know. Indicate in any way that you can that this has been useful and I promise I will do more of these episodes just like this.

Whether that's commenting, giving a five-star review, dropping me an email, joining me over on Instagram, dropping me a DM, do whatever you need to do just so that I know this is of value to you. I promise you there are many many more questions like this that I can answer and I'll be happy to do. It's been a lot fun doing it.

Until next time, be kind to yourself. You are doing better than you think. I'll talk to you all next week.

Take care.