144. You Crossed the Line, Now Here’s Mine: Boundaries After Betrayal

After betrayal, it’s easy to feel like you’re stuck reacting, trying to manage your partner’s behaviour, walking on eggshells, or questioning your own emotional limits.

But here’s the truth: You don’t need their permission to protect your peace.

In this episode, I unpack what real boundaries look like in the aftermath of infidelity, not as walls or punishments, but as powerful acts of self-respect.

Whether you’re in the thick of rebuilding or figuring out what you want next, this episode is your reminder that your healing is not negotiable.

Key Takeaways:

• Boundaries are not ultimatums; they’re commitments to yourself.

• You don’t have to share every boundary to honour it.

• Clear boundaries regulate your nervous system and help you respond, not react.

• Saying “no” to more pain is not cold. It’s a sign of healing

• Your value isn’t proven through tolerance; it’s affirmed through self-respect.

Want the Boundaries Blueprint?

If you’re ready to start setting boundaries but don’t know where to begin, I’ve created a free resource just for you.

It’s called the Boundaries Blueprint, and it includes 30+ examples of real-life boundaries tailored for the infidelity recovery journey, plus guidance to help you craft your own.

👉 Email luke@lifecoachluke.com with the word boundary144 and I’ll send it straight to your inbox.

💬 Reflection Question:

Where in my life am I still negotiating my wellbeing to keep the peace, and what boundary could I set today to honour myself instead?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

Hey, there's something I hear often from clients in the early stage of portrayal recovery. It usually goes something like this. I feel like everything's outta my control. I dunno what to say, how to act, or where the line is anymore. And I always respond the same way. Let's start with you, because boundaries aren't about controlling the other person.

They're about reclaiming your emotional safety. And if betrayal has torn through the foundation of your relationship, then boundaries after infidelity are how we begin to rebuild. Not necessarily the relationship itself, but you. It's been a long time since I've properly talked about boundaries on the podcast. So today we're gonna revisit them.

The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go.

Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and you're listening to episode number 144 Boundaries Revisited. So let's clear this up a little bit. Boundaries after infidelity are not walls. They're not designed to ship people out or keep connection at a distance. They're not punishments that are meant to make somebody else suffer, and they're definitely not ultimatums used to force somebody into compliance.

Boundary is simply this. If X happens, I will do Y. That's it. It's not a threat. It's not a demand. It's a self-honouring decision. It's you choosing how you will respond when something crosses a line that doesn't feel safe, kind, or aligned. 'cause here's the truth that most people miss. Boundaries aren't about changing somebody else's behaviour.

They're about protecting your own wellbeing, regardless of their behaviour. And when you've been betrayed, when the very foundation of your relationship has cracked, open that distinction. Becomes pretty important because betrayal doesn't just hurt. It strips you of your sense of stability, of your ability to trust what's real, of your confidence in your own responses.

You start wondering if you are overreacting or if you're being too demanding, if you are asking for too much just to feel okay again, and that's where boundaries come in, not as weapons, but as anchors. They give you a place to stand when the ground feels unsteady. They remind you that you have choices even when everything else feels chaotic.

They give you agency, not over them, but over you. And sometimes that's the exact medicine needed in the aftermath of betrayal. A gentle but firm way of saying, I may not be able to fix this relationship yet. But I can start protecting myself within it. Let's hone in on the real purpose of boundaries, particularly after betrayal.

You don't create boundaries because you're cold. You create them because you're healing. You create them because something sacred was broken, and now you're learning how to hold yourself with care. It's not about shutting people out, it's not about punishing your partner. It's about finally putting yourself back in the center of your own life.

'cause there's a big difference between avoiding hard things and protecting yourself from further injury. In the aftermath of betrayal, everything feels fragile. You might be flooded with confusion, grief, anger, doubt, sometimes all in a single moment, and without a clear sense of what's okay and what's not.

Your nervous system stays on high alert, bracing for the next emotional blow. That's where boundaries come in. They're not just rules, they're not just sentences that you say out loud. They're a framework for safety. A way to hold yourself steady when your relationship no longer feels like the place you can rest.

Here's what boundaries actually do in infidelity recovery. They clarify what's okay and what's not, so you are no longer left guessing or negotiating your worth in the moment. They calm your nervous system by giving you something to lean on when everything else feels uncertain. Boundaries are the plan you make when things are calm for when they're not.

They also communicate to your partner that your healing is real, that it has structure. That it's not about being dramatic or emotional, it's about protecting the parts of you that were hurt. 'cause here's the truth, without boundaries, your emotional wellbeing becomes negotiable. It gets weighed against your partner's guilt, their timeline, their mood that day.

It becomes something you are constantly explaining or justifying, but without boundaries. Your emotional wellbeing becomes non-negotiable, it becomes sacred, and that shift subtle, as it may seem, is one of the most powerful things you can do in your healing journey. I'd like to walk you through the six categories of boundaries that I share in my Boundary Blueprint in the Chaos to Clarity group coaching program.

The first one is communication boundaries. These are for those tense, messy conversations. For example, if you raise your voice or speak to me with aggression, I will end the conversation and we can revisit it later. You don't need to argue your way to safety. You get to pause. Then there's emotional safety boundaries.

This is about keeping your inner world stable. Okay. Maybe an example could be, if you make my healing conditional on your comfort, I will focus on practices that support me unconditionally. Your emotional pain, it's not up for negotiation. The third is trust and transparency related boundaries. Rebuilding trust requires consistent, transparent, positive behaviour.

If you continue to delete messages or hide your phone activity, I'll take a step back and reevaluate whether this relationship actually aligns with my values. It's not about spying, it's about integrity. The fourth is presence and respect. Consistency matters more than grand gestures. If you show up emotionally absent, I'll limit how much I initiate.

I initiate connection. Love is not just about being there. It's about how you show up whilst you are there. Then the big one, physical and sexual boundaries. If you initiate intimacy before checking in with me emotionally, I'll pause and let you know I'm not available for that right now. Touch doesn't heal a wound.

It hasn't acknowledged. Your body is not a bargaining chip. And then the sixth category is self preservation and autonomy. This is about your power example. If you try to make me responsible for your guilt, I'll redirect that back to you and focus on my own needs. You didn't cause the betrayal. You are not responsible for managing somebody else's shame.

Here's the nuance that often gets overlooked. Not every boundary needs to actually be spoken out loud. Some boundaries can remain quiet, private, internal. They're not designed to change the other person's behaviour. They're there to guide your own 'cause sometimes the most powerful boundaries aren't the ones that we announce.

They're the ones that we honour within ourselves. That moment when you choose to walk away from a conversation instead of escalating it. That's a boundary when you stop checking their location or scrolling through old messages, not because you've got the reassurance you wanted, but because it's costing you your peace.

That is a boundary. So how do you know when a boundary needs to be shared and when it doesn't? Perhaps you could ask yourself, does this boundary need to be spoken in order for it to be honoured? If it involves shared behaviour or interaction, then yes, it probably does. But if it's about your own response, how much you choose to engage, what you allow into your emotional space, then perhaps not.

Will sharing this boundary increase safety or create more chaos? If the conversation will lead to clarity, then go for it. You know it's there for that, but if it's likely to spark defensiveness or power struggles and you are not ready for it, then it might be wiser to hold it close for now. Perhaps you're asking yourself, am I prepared to follow through calmly, even if it's challenged?

This, this part is key. A boundary with no follow through isn't a boundary. It's a hope. You don't need to be perfect, but you do need to be committed. And when you do share that boundary. Share it with clarity, not as a threat. The energy behind delivering boundaries really matters. When you speak from reactivity, it sounds like control or manipulation.

When you speak from groundedness, it sounds like self-respect and security and safety. I mean, consider this instead of saying, you better not do that again or else. You could try. If that happens again, I'm gonna take some space to protect my healing. You see the difference? One is about fear and control.

The other is about self-responsibility and care. That's the heart of boundaries. You are not trying to force someone to treat you differently. You are letting them know how you will care for yourself if they don't. And that distinction, even though it might only seem subtle, it's everything. Boundaries aren't just at all.

They are a way in which you can return to yourself. It's a way of saying, my healing matters. My peace matters, I matter, and if your relationship has any chance of rebuilding whatsoever, it will only happen on the foundation of clarity and self-respect. But even if it doesn't rebuild. You will, because boundaries aren't just about saving a relationship.

They're about saving yourself from self abandonment. And that, my friends, is the most powerful healing there is. So here's what I'd like you to sit with. Where are you still negotiating your wellbeing? Just to keep the peace and what would it look like to say I will no longer do that to myself? You can start small, one boundary, one line in the sand, one act of self-respect because you're not just healing from betrayal, you are remembering who you are and redefining it and your boundaries.

That's how you protect that rediscovery. If you've been nodding along thinking, I need this, but I dunno where to begin, I've got something just for you. It's called the Boundaries Blueprint. It's a simple guide to help you create boundaries that feel clear, empowering, and actually doable in the aftermath of betrayal.

Whether you are rebuilding trust, navigating limbo, or simply trying to stay grounded, this is for you. To get your free copy, just drop me an email. It's luke@lifecoachluke.com. And in the subject line or the message, just type in boundary 144. That's this episode number. That's it. No signup forms. No fuss, just real support straight to your inbox.

You don't have to figure this all out alone. Let this be your first boundary, choosing to ask for what you need. Okay? I'll talk to you all soon. Take care.