110. Why Can’t We Heal? When the Unfaithful Partner's Best Efforts Still Fall Short (2/3)

In the second part of our mini-series on imbalance after infidelity, we explore what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything ‘right’, apologising, attending therapy, being transparent, yet it still feels like nothing is changing.

Why, despite their best efforts, does the relationship remain stuck?

We’ll look at the emotional wall the betrayed partner builds, why it’s so hard to move forward even when the unfaithful partner's efforts are visible, and how to navigate the frustration of feeling like your efforts are in vain.

Key Takeaways:

The Unfaithful Partner’s Dilemma:

• When you’re putting in the work but your partner can’t, or won’t, move past the betrayal.

The Emotional Wall:

• Why the betrayed partner might feel stuck in pain, even when everything is being done to make amends.

What Real Healing Looks Like:

• Understanding why effort alone isn’t always enough and what needs to shift for healing to truly begin.

💬 Reflection Question:

If you’re the unfaithful partner, are you focusing only on your actions, or are you understanding the deeper emotional needs of your partner?

Next Episode Teaser:

In the final part of our mini-series, we’ll explore what happens when the relationship ends but the imbalance lingers, how both the betrayed and unfaithful partners continue to be haunted by unresolved feelings, guilt, and resentment long after the relationship is over.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of the After The Affair podcast. This is Luke Shillings, I'm your host and you're listening to episode number 110. Today I'm tackling the flipside of what we talked about last time.

We're exploring a situation where the unfaithful partner is genuinely putting in the work, doing everything the textbook says they should but it still doesn't feel like it's enough. The betrayed partner seems closed off, holding back and the dynamic has shifted into a state where they feel like they shouldn't have to do anything to help fix what they didn't break. If this resonates with you, you are not alone.

This is one of those incredibly challenging dynamics that can leave both partners feeling stuck, frustrated and hopeless about the future of the relationship. In this episode we'll talk about why this happens, how it creates different type of imbalance and what both partners can do to navigate it together. So let's start with the perspective of the betrayed partner.

When you've been betrayed it's completely natural to feel like you didn't do anything wrong because, well, you didn't. You didn't cause the affair, you didn't make those choices and it feels like all the pain you're experiencing is a direct result of somebody else's actions and that's completely valid. So when you're unfaithful partner is trying to do the work, being transparent, offering apologies, going to therapy, whatever it may be, it's easy to think this is their mess to clean up, not mine.

And while that feeling is understandable, it can create a different kind of imbalance in the relationship where the betrayed partner becomes emotionally closed off, perhaps unconsciously refusing to engage in any kind of the rebuilding process. But here's the hard truth. Even though you didn't cause the damage, the reality is that moving forward and rebuilding the relationship still requires effort from both sides.

It's not about taking responsibility for the affair or pretending that it didn't happen. It's about accepting that, even though you were wronged, there's still work that needs to be done together if you want to heal and rebuild this relationship. From the perspective of the unfaithful partner, this can be incredibly frustrating.

Imagine this, you've messed up big time, you've betrayed your partner's trust and you know you've hurt them deeply. You can't get over how horrifying it is to see your partner in so much discomfort from something that you did, something that you knowingly did. You were ready to own up to it, take full responsibility and start doing everything that you could to rebuild the relationship.

Maybe you've apologised, you're being more than open, you're going to therapy and you've even done the research yourself to really understand what it is that you should be doing. But despite all of this, it feels like nothing's getting through. Your partner still seems closed off, distant and unwilling to take even the smallest step to reconnect.

And over time, this can lead to a sense of hopelessness, where it feels like no matter what you do, it's never going to be enough. If this is where you're at, it's important to recognise that this isn't necessarily about you doing something wrong, but about understanding where your partner is emotionally. Sometimes, even when you're doing all the right things, it's not about those actions themselves.

It's as much about the timing, trust and the emotional readiness. So why would a betrayed partner remain closed off when the unfaithful partner is genuinely trying to make amends? Well, there are a few key reasons. First, there's the emotional shock and trauma.

When infidelity happens, it shakes the very foundation of trust and security in a relationship. And healing from that isn't a simple process. It's not like just ticking off a checklist of apologies and actions will suddenly fix everything.

Sometimes, the betrayed partner is still processing their pain, and they're not emotionally ready to start rebuilding, even if they see their partner trying. Second, there's the issue of control. After being betrayed, the betrayed partner often feels like everything was taken out of their hands.

They didn't get a choice in what happened, and now they're the ones left with all the emotional fallout. So remaining closed off can be a way to regain a sense of control over their emotions and the direction of the relationship. And third, there's a deeply ingrained belief that they shouldn't have to do anything to fix this, because from their perspective, they didn't break it.

And that belief can be so powerful that it can create a barrier to moving forward. It's almost like saying, why should I put in the effort when I wasn't the one who hurt us? And this creates a new kind of imbalance in the relationship. The unfaithful partner is doing everything in their power to make amends, but the betrayed partner is holding back, waiting for some magical moment where it all just clicks into place.

And that waiting can go on for a long time, and it can lead to a cycle where both partners remain stuck, feeling that they're both spinning their wheels without making any progress whatsoever. For the unfaithful partner, this can turn into feelings of frustration, hopelessness, or even resentment. They might start thinking, if they're not willing to meet me halfway, what is the point of trying at all? And for the betrayed partner, this new imbalance can reinforce the narrative that their partner owes them something that they'll never ever be able to repay, leading to more distance and more disconnection.

So how do we break this cycle? Well it starts with a shift in mindset, from blame to shared healing. For the betrayed partner, it's important to recognise that just because you didn't cause the damage, doesn't mean you're not part of the healing process. This isn't about taking responsibility for the affair, it's about understanding that healing a relationship takes effort from both sides, even if only one person caused the initial harm.

And that doesn't mean you have to pretend everything's okay or move on before you're ready, but it does mean being open to the possibility of healing and rebuilding together. For the unfaithful partner, it's crucial to recognise that even if you are doing all the right things, healing takes time and sometimes those actions aren't enough on their own. Your partner needs to feel not just your effort, but your genuine empathy, patience and understanding of the pain that they're in.

It's not about checking boxes, it's about being present, showing up consistently and letting your actions speak for themselves over time. This shift in mindset allows both partners to step out of the cycle of blame and resentment and into a place of mutual effort and understanding. Alright, so let's talk about what shared responsibility actually looks like in practise.

For the betrayed partner, it means being open to taking small steps towards healing. It might mean having difficult conversations, expressing your needs clearly or being willing to explore the idea of reconnecting. Even if you're not fully there yet, it's not about rushing your healing, but about being open to the possibility of moving forward.

For the unfaithful partner, shared responsibility looks like being patient and understanding when your efforts aren't immediately met with forgiveness or enthusiasm. It means being consistent, transparent and willing to have tough conversations without expecting instant results. It's about being fully present and showing your commitment through your actions over time.

And for both partners, it's about having honest conversations about where you're at and what you need from each other. It's not enough to assume that because one of you is trying, the other will automatically respond in kind. It takes regular check-ins, open communication and a willingness to face the discomfort together.

So if you're in a situation where one partner is doing everything right, but it still feels like nothing's changing, I want you to ask yourself, are you both taking steps towards this shared rebuilding? Or is one person stopped waiting for something to magically just fix itself? Healing after infidelity isn't about placing all the blame on one person and all the responsibility on the other. It's about both of you showing up, being open and being willing to do the work, even if you're still hurting. You can shift from blame to shared responsibility and you can break free from this cycle and start moving towards real healing.

Now this and the previous episode have both been targeted more towards those who have chosen to stay and are trying to rebuild their relationship after infidelity. And of course this is not the case for everybody. So next week's episode will be focused more on what happens when the relationship ends and how do the feelings of imbalance still stay stuck around? Whether you're the betrayed partner struggling to let go of anger and resentment, or the unfaithful partner dealing with lingering shame and guilt.

This sense of imbalance doesn't just disappear when the relationship does. I'm going to explore how to handle these challenges and find a path forward on your own. So thank you for joining me on this episode of the After The Affair podcast.

If you would like to explore what working together looks like then reach out. You can visit lifecoachluke.com and schedule a 30-minute free call where we can discuss your situation. We can put a plan in place and start your journey away from pain and discomfort.

Helping you build up the resilience to truly feel free and be able to make the decisions that you need to in your relationship. This is not a time to keep dwelling on. This is not a time to stay stuck.

This is a time to stand up, make a decision, live life on purpose and move forward into your new future. Who do you want to be after infidelity? I can't wait to hear from you. Everybody else I'll talk to you all next week.

Take care.