Suspected Affair? How to Face the Truth and Take Back Control of Your Life

Luke Shillings
May 6
8 min read

Updated: May 7

Let’s be honest. Dealing with a suspected affair feels like your world’s been flipped upside down. One moment, everything seems fine, and the next, you’re questioning glances, phone habits, and late work meetings. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, but if you want to move forward, you need to process the betrayal in a healthy, constructive way.

Take a deep breath. You’re stronger than you think, even if right now, it feels like the ground’s crumbling beneath you.

Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Guilt

First, give yourself permission to feel. Whether you’re furious, heartbroken, confused, or simply numb, it’s all valid. Don’t pressure yourself to “be strong” or pretend everything’s fine when you’re hurting inside.

If you’ve noticed clear signs someone is having an affair, like emotional distance or secretive messages, your trust has been shaken. That hurt deserves space. You don’t need to jump straight to forgiveness or start blaming yourself. Allow the grief to surface, because betrayal isn’t just about the act, it’s about the loss of trust and the relationship you thought you had.

Feeling upset doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re human. So, let yourself cry, vent, or sit quietly with your feelings. It’s part of healing.

Reach Out for Honest Support

You might feel tempted to bottle things up, especially if you’re embarrassed about your suspected affair concerns. But here’s the truth: you don’t need to go through this alone.

Talk to someone: a close friend, a family member, or a professional, like a relationship coach. Saying things out loud can help ease the emotional load and give you clarity. You’d be surprised how many people understand the signs someone is having an affair because they’ve faced it too.

Seeking support isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign you care about yourself enough to ask for help when you need it. You don’t need all the answers now, just a safe space to share and breathe.

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Focus on What You Can Control

It’s easy to get stuck replaying every moment, analysing old texts, or watching their social media. But here’s something important to remember: no amount of overthinking can change what’s already happened. You can’t control their actions. You can only choose how you respond.

Start by focusing on your next small step. That might mean setting personal boundaries, deciding if you need space, or writing down what you want from the situation. Maybe you’ll decide to journal daily or take regular walks to clear your head.

Small, steady actions help you stay grounded. You don’t have to fix everything today, just make space for healing to begin.

Be Kinder to Yourself Than You Feel Like

Here’s the part most people skip: self-kindness. You might be blaming yourself for missing the signs of the affair or questioning if you somehow caused this. Stop right there.

Look after your body and mind with simple, real acts of care. Get enough sleep, eat decent meals, take breaks, and remind yourself daily that you’re worthy of respect and love. You are not defined by someone else’s betrayal.

Look Ahead, Even Just a Little

It’s hard to imagine the future when you’re sitting in the middle of pain, but this chapter doesn’t define your whole story. A suspected affair is a life shake-up, yes, but it can also be a turning point.

You have a chance now to reassess what you want, what you value, and where you want to go from here. You don’t need to make big decisions immediately. Even imagining a life where you feel steady and joyful again is a powerful first step.

Remember: you will get through this. And on the other side of heartbreak, you’ll discover just how strong and resilient you really are.

Finding Clarity When You Feel Stuck

One of the hardest parts when wondering what to do if you suspect infidelity is the sheer uncertainty. Should you confront them? Should you wait and gather more proof? Should you walk away? It’s exhausting.

A relationship coach won’t tell you what to do, but will help you untangle the confusion inside your head. You’ll explore your own needs, your limits, and what you’re hoping to achieve, whether that’s repairing the relationship or moving forward on your own.

Having someone neutral to guide you can make a huge difference when your emotions feel too heavy to carry alone.

Rediscovering Passions Outside the Relationship

When you’re consumed by a suspected affair, your world shrinks down to worry and what-ifs. Small joys help you reclaim space just for yourself. These are the moments that remind you that life is bigger than your current struggles and that you can still feel excitement, curiosity, and fun outside the relationship.

One of the hardest parts of facing suspected cheating is the way it shakes your sense of self. You might wonder:

“Who am I outside of this relationship?”
“What do I even enjoy when I’m not focused on them?”

This is your invitation to rebuild and rediscover. Maybe you’ll sign up for a fitness class, join a book club, volunteer somewhere meaningful, or even plan a solo trip. The point isn’t to distract yourself. It’s to remember that you are whole, valuable, and interesting all on your own.

When you reconnect with your own interests, you gain confidence, energy, and clarity. You stop defining yourself solely by what’s happening in the relationship and start building a life that feels rich and meaningful, no matter what’s going on romantically.

Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection

Here’s the thing: you don’t need to master a new hobby or become a whole new person overnight. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s progress. Every time you choose to spend time on something you enjoy, you’re taking a step toward healing and growth.

Be patient with yourself. Some days you’ll feel motivated and adventurous, and other days you might just want to binge-watch your favourite series in pyjamas. Both are fine. Give yourself space to grow at your own pace.

Your Life Is Bigger Than a Suspected Affair

At the end of the day, a suspected affair or suspected cheating may feel like it’s taking over everything, but it doesn’t get to define you. You are still the person who loves music, nature, laughter, creativity, or whatever sparks your joy. Reconnecting with those passions helps you heal, regain confidence, and remember just how resilient you really are.

You’ve got so much life ahead. Don’t let this chapter stop you from living it fully.

Building a Future with or Without Your Partner

Let’s be honest. When you’re dealing with a suspected affair, your mind races ahead to the big question: what’s next? Do you stay and work through it, or do you walk away and start over? It’s overwhelming, I know. But here’s the good news: no matter what you choose, you can build a future that feels strong, healthy, and meaningful.

You don’t need to figure it all out overnight. You just need to take one small step at a time.

Give Yourself Time to Reflect

When you notice the signs of an affair, it’s tempting to make quick decisions just to escape the pain. But take a deep breath here: you don’t need to rush.

Give yourself space to reflect on what you truly want, not just what you think you should want. Ask yourself questions like:

“Can I see myself rebuilding trust with this person?”
“Would I be happier and healthier on my own?”

It’s okay if you don’t know the answers yet. Some days you’ll feel sure you want to leave, and other days you’ll wonder if staying is the better path. That emotional back-and-forth is completely normal. You’re allowed to take your time.

Explore What a Rebuilt Relationship Could Look Like

If you decide to stay and work through the affair, know that rebuilding trust is a long road, but not an impossible one. Both you and your partner will need to put in consistent, honest effort. That means open communication, setting clear boundaries, and probably seeking professional help like couples counselling.

Trust isn’t restored overnight, and neither is emotional closeness. But if both of you are willing to do the work, it’s possible to create a relationship that feels even stronger than before. It’s not about pretending the affair never happened. It’s about learning, healing, and choosing each other again, day by day.

Imagine a Strong Future on Your Own Terms

On the other hand, if you decide that staying isn’t the right path, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Walking away after an affair can be an act of courage and self-respect.

Start picturing what your independent future could look like. Maybe you’ll move to a new place, focus on your career, travel somewhere exciting, or just enjoy rediscovering who you are without the relationship. You’re not starting from zero, you’re starting from experience.

It’s okay to grieve what you’re leaving behind while also feeling excited about what’s ahead. Your story doesn’t end here; it’s simply shifting into a new chapter, one where you get to shape the direction.

Rebuild the Relationship	Start on Your Own
A long, but not impossible road	It can be an act of courage and self-respect
It means open communication, setting clear boundaries, and probably seeking professional help	Start picturing what your independent future could look like
It’s about learning, healing, and choosing each other again, day by day	Your story is shifting into a new chapter, one where you get to shape the direction

Lean Into Your Support Network

Whether you’re staying or leaving, remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or even a professional to help you process your choices.

Talking things through can offer fresh perspectives and remind you that you’re surrounded by people who care. When you’re weighed down by the emotional fallout of a suspected affair or shaken by the signs of an affair, having a supportive circle can help you stay grounded.

Let people lift you up. You don’t have to carry everything by yourself.

Trust That You’ll Find Your Way

At the end of the day, only you know what future feels right for you. Whether that’s rebuilding with your partner or walking forward on your own, you have the strength to shape a life that brings you peace, joy, and fulfilment.

Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this messy, emotional time. You’re allowed to change your mind, to ask questions, and to make decisions at your own pace. No one has all the answers right away, and you’re not expected to, either.

Take heart: you are resilient, worthy, and capable of creating a future you love, no matter where this path leads.

Hi! I’m Luke Shillings, a relationship coach and podcast host. I help you navigate the messy aftermath of infidelity, rebuild your strength, and create a future true to you.