85. Instructions Not Included: Why You Suck at Relationships

Ever feel like you're fumbling in the dark when it comes to relationships? You're not alone. Many of us never received a clear guide on how to manage and nurture our romantic partnerships. This episode of "After the Affair" serves as your missing manual to better understand the basics of romantic relationships.

Key Takeaways:

• Communication Essentials: Discover the art of effective communication, from active listening to avoiding common pitfalls like assumptions and passive aggression.

• Setting Expectations and Boundaries: Learn how to set realistic expectations and healthy boundaries, the silent builders of strong relationships.

• Conflict Resolution: Get practical tips on handling disagreements constructively without losing your cool.

• Emotional Intelligence: Find out how to enhance your emotional intelligence to better understand and connect with your partner.

• Understanding Love Languages: Explore the five love languages and how recognising your partner’s primary language can transform your relationship.

• Maintaining Individuality: Uncover the importance of preserving your own identity and how it contributes to a healthier, more balanced partnership.

• Why You Suck at Relationships: A candid look at the common areas where many of us falter in romantic relationships and why.

• Building Blocks of a Better Relationship: Step-by-step guide on mastering the foundational aspects that lead to a fulfilling and enduring relationship.

💬 Reflection Questions:

When was the last time I truly listened without planning my response? What got in the way?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 85 and I'm your host Luke Shillings.

Have you ever ordered a piece of furniture, a piece of flat pack furniture? You've been excited by the picture on the box only to open it and find heaps of screws, wooden panels and a set of instructions that look more like ancient hieroglyphs than helpful guidance. You know those instructions that are sometimes only in Taiwanese and unless you happen to speak Taiwanese not much use. The pictures themselves that barely resemble the parts you have in your hands.

Well relationships I've noticed they can feel a lot like that too. We enter into them full of hope and excitement and often only to realise that the instruction manual we thought we had is actually only a few pages long and half of those pages are in a language that we don't fully understand. So where do we get these snippets of instructions? Well for most of us they are learned.

They, our first teachers, are our families, our parents, our siblings and we absorb the dynamics and patterns that we see at home and in our friends, parents, relationships and just in other things that we see. Sometimes these are healthy and actually we learn some pretty valuable lessons, particularly in love, but often they come with their own set of flaws and of course their biases. Then there's the media.

Oh the media. Movies, TV shows, songs, books, they all paint a picture of romance and relationships that are supposed to sweep us off our feet. Just think Disney.

But these stories often set us up with unrealistic expectations, shaping a belief that love is always easy or maybe it's always dramatic. And let's not forget our friends and our peers. Growing up their influence is immense.

We compare notes, we listen to their successes and failures and sometimes we mould our own relationships based on what we think is normal and expected by our social circle. But here's the thing, despite all of these sources of wisdom, very few of us ever have any formal education on how to manage and nurture a romantic relationship, how to communicate effectively, how to set boundaries, how to support each other's growth. These chapters are often missing from our manuals.

Before we get fully into today's episode I just want to offer a quick reminder about the new Facebook group, the After the Affair with myself Luke Shillings, the After the Affair community. It's a place where we take the conversation from the podcast off the airwaves. We extend, we expand, we go into more detail.

I offer live Q&As once a week and also explore different conversations and topics and really community is there to be a supportive discussion led by myself but also by other members of the community and I hope to continue to add exclusive content and insights from the podcast and even some more behind-the-scenes stuff that generally people don't get to see. There is a lot of information regarding infidelity out on the internet and I for one know what it's like and how easy it is to get lost in that minefield. If you already enjoy the podcast and want to take it one step further then the community is the perfect place for it.

There is no obligation to post and even if you do you can choose to post anonymously if that feels more comfortable. Maybe just come in and watch the content I post, maybe read the comments from other people. It's really there to be used however you want to use it.

I appreciate what a challenging time this can be and I certainly don't want to make anybody feel more uncomfortable however obviously it would be great to see you there and to be able to connect with people that normally it's only a one-way communication, you know, you listen to me all the time and I don't get to meet very many of you so I hope to see you there. Simply drop onto Facebook, search for After the Affair with Luke Shillings or you can put it directly in the URL facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After the Affair Community or one word and obviously I'll pop links in the show notes. Okay on with the show.

In this episode we'll dive into essential yet frequently overlooked aspects of relationships. We'll explore how to set clear and respectful boundaries, understand and manage different communication styles and recognise and fulfil each other's needs effectively. So whether you're looking to strengthen your current relationship or you're laying the groundwork for a future one, grab your metaphorical screwdriver and join me.

Let's assemble a clearer more comprehensive guide to relationships piece by piece. First up let's tackle the big one. Open and honest communication.

This means being clear about what you think, what you feel and what you need in a way that your partner can understand. It's not just about being honest but also about being tactful and considerate. Remember it's not what you say it's often how you say it.

Think about the last time you had a disagreement. Did you really listen to understand or were you just preparing your next argument? This brings us on to active listening because true communication happens when both partners genuinely strive to understand each other's perspective without judgement or interruption. It's about giving each other your full attention, confirming what you heard and most importantly showing empathy.

Moving on a topic that's often overlooked is communication pitfalls. These include assumptions, the silent treatment or even passive-aggressive behaviour. These habits can erode trust and intimacy faster than you can possibly imagine and to combat these it's crucial to develop a habit of asking questions when in doubt, expressing feelings openly and tackling issues directly and in particular that part of asking questions specifically when in doubt.

I've said it before and it's so easy to assume that you know what it is that your partner's thinking so you kind of answer the question for them in your mind. I mean how many times have you done that? When was the last time that you said something or asked a question of your partner and kind of had already predicted what the answer would be regardless of what they said and even when they did offer you an answer you kind of interpreted it or misinterpreted it in a way that better fitted your narrative. Now maybe you didn't notice it, maybe you're thinking no that's ridiculous, that just doesn't happen in my relationship Luke.

The more you become aware of this, the more you start looking for these things, the more you start actively listening, that's when you'll start to notice these little cracks forming, these little gaps in the relationship that you just hadn't spotted before but spotting these cracks now before they develop into something more severe is so so important and it makes a massive difference in terms of how secure and safe that you feel in your relationship and also how your partner feels in your relationship too. Let's shift gears a little bit and speak about expectations and boundaries. There's another distinct set of pages often missing from our manuals, setting clear expectations and clear boundaries.

It's not about building walls, it's about clarifying needs and ensuring that mutual respect and comfort is there in the relationship. I think it's easy to get these two things mixed up as well. There's one thing where we may have an expectation of our partner, perhaps that we hope that they will, I don't know, they take responsibility for the washing or the other person takes responsibility for the gardening or maybe one person looks after the finances where somebody else always organises the kids' school trips.

It doesn't really matter what these expectations are. First of all they need to be communicated, that's one, particularly if there is an expectation that you have. It's very easy for us to expect our partner to do something.

For example, I might think well my partner should look after the kids, my partner should sort out the school trips and that's just my expectation and the problem is if and when she doesn't do that I get annoyed. But of course it was my expectation the whole time, this hasn't actually been communicated, it's just been assumed and if she doesn't show up in the way that I expect her I get grumpy. I'm not saying I actually get grumpy but I certainly have done in years gone by where I've sort of not really taken full responsibility for my own experience, my own feeling and recognised that really the expectations that I was putting on her were my expectations and not hers because we hadn't communicated them effectively.

Boundaries on the other hand are really there to protect just me, so that's even when my partner or anybody for that matter doesn't show up in the way that I want them to, if it's about protecting my emotional well-being and I've spoken about this a lot on the podcast, there's multiple episodes where I talk about boundaries, then having a boundary in place is there to protect me. It doesn't prevent or stop the other person or my partner in this case behaving differently. They can still do what they choose to do, they can still act in the way that they want to but the boundary is there so that I choose how I'm going to show up or what I'm going to do in case that does happen and this again just to re-emphasise a boundary is not an opportunity to manipulate and control or to place an ultimatum or threat, that's really not the purpose of it at all.

So better understanding both expectations and boundaries are extremely important in terms of how we communicate and how we relate to our partners in relationships. Another example might be you might want to discuss your views on the time that you spend together versus the time that you spend apart or maybe how you handle your finances and of course these aren't just logistical details, they are crucial for compatibility and long-term happiness. So be proactive about these conversations early in the relationship to really avoid misunderstandings and resentment later on.

How often do you see either in your own past or when you've observed other people's relationships how they don't discuss more significant things earlier in the relationship and I understand why that is because you're in the honeymoon phase, it feels good, you're just wanting to enjoy the experience and your time together but then before you know it months and years have gone by and you've never really had these conversations, those difficult conversations have never really been had. Now I think one real opportunity, although this is by no means a fixed place to do it, if you have started dating somebody and then you are considering that longer-term commitment like marriage then that really is a time where these long deep conversations about very specific things about what you want and what you expect and what you hope for in your relationship are so so important and even if you're listening to this and thinking well Luke you know I've been married for 20 years and I'm not sure I've ever had this conversation with my husband or my wife, it doesn't mean it's too late, it just means we might need to approach it from a slightly different angle. It might not be a case of just turning up with this list of how you think your husband should be or how you think your wife should be, it's probably not going to go down too well. Still, starting to create an environment where open communication is more welcomed and more easy, well that starts by listening to what your partner's saying and asking them questions and being curious because the more you do that the more they relax into the situation of they're not being judged or they don't feel like they're having to be on their back foot all the time just in case you call them out for something that they didn't do properly and when a relationship has gone on for a long time these habits, these kinds of behaviours can really form. Hence, it's about breaking down these barriers proactively, so be proactive particularly in these conversations and remember boundaries are healthy at all stages of the relationship.

They help define who you are and what you value, whether it's about how you communicate your personal space or how decisions are made together respecting these boundaries will only strengthen your bond. Whether it's mastering the art of communication or setting clear expectations and boundaries these fundamental skills are the key to stable healthy relationships. They're not just tools, they are the actual building blocks for deeper connection and understanding.

Okay what about when things get heated? I mean every relationship faces conflict. It's really about how we handle these situations that can significantly impact the bond. So let's dive more into conflict resolution.

Conflict isn't necessarily bad, in fact it's often inevitable and it's a real window into learning more about the other person's perspective. The key is not to avoid it but to navigate it constructively. The first step, stay calm and focused.

It's easy to get swept up in emotion but the goal is to resolve an issue not to win an argument. If your only mission is to win the argument nobody really wins because there's no reward. Okay you might get a short-term dopamine hit but you then have a miserable partner and when we think about a relationship being a union of two people how can having one person waving the, you know, the gold medal because they won that particular argument, how does that help you as a couple? And remember you and your partner are on the same team.

Next try and practise effective communication techniques during disagreements. Use I statements and I feel instead of you make me feel. This small shift, and I know it doesn't sound like a big thing, but not only does it reduce defensiveness it also keeps the discussion centred on feelings and resolutions rather than blame.

Again we've already spoken about it once but I think it's important bringing back to the surface and this is again active listening. This really means hearing what your partner is saying without planning your rebuttal. Reflect back what you've heard to confirm understanding.

This validation can really de-escalate a lot of tension and lead to more productive resolutions. You know yourself when you have got het up about a situation, you've really wound up, you're trying to get your point across and the other person really isn't paying attention to anything you're saying. They just want to get their words in then they start trying to belittle you and and calling you calling you out and but of course that really isn't helping either.

You've basically got two people just essentially shouting at each other even if the volume isn't actually raised there's no listening going on. Let's switch gears and talk about emotional intelligence. This skill is crucial not just in managing conflicts but in every aspect of a relationship.

It involves understanding your emotions, managing them appropriately and recognising the emotional states of your partner. Now I work with both men and women and I can clearly see a divide. This is maybe a stereotype but it also seems to ring true in many of the people that I work with.

Generally speaking the men are less comfortable talking about feelings and emotions and often when we start working together and exploring just what does a feeling even feel like, being able to articulate that can be quite difficult. When we start to really build this awareness it can really help you communicate more effectively and respond more empathetically to your partner even in stressful times. And remember it's our emotions that drive everything that we do.

So whether you're trying to build a successful business, whether you're trying to calm your child down, whether you're trying to build a deeper connection with your partner or whether you just want to spend time on your own, how you feel is the most important thing. It's the thing that drives every action that you take. I like to think of it this way, if I'm feeling something that is neutral or positive then I tend to get the things that I want in my life.

I tend to be able to aim towards those things and move towards them. If I'm feeling negative in any way shape or form, whether that's anger, bitterness, resentment, hate, hurt, sadness, grief, then generally it tends to lead me in a direction that I don't want. I don't tend to get the things that I want.

It often perpetuates a cycle of misery and pain and discomfort and then of course I don't like feeling discomfort. So as a consequence of feeling discomfort I then try and avoid it and I'll quickly find myself trying to distract myself, either through procrastination or maybe I'll go to the chocolate cupboard and get some chocolate biscuits or something like that. You know, something that's not very healthy and probably isn't going to help me in the long run.

And this has a huge knock-on effect too. As you start to become more self-aware, you start to recognise your emotional triggers and understand how they're affecting your behaviour. This awareness not only helps you communicate more effectively, it also helps you respond more empathetically to your partner because you now understand more about why they might be experiencing what they're experiencing.

So that really does lead us on to empathy and this really does mean putting yourself in your partner's shoes, trying to feel what they feel. Now we can't do this completely of course but we can go some way to at least imagining what our partner might be experiencing when we open ourselves up to the possibility that they might be something that's different to us. Empathy can transform conflicts by shifting the focus from competing needs to mutual understanding and care.

Building emotional intelligence isn't just about handling the tough moments, it's about deepening your connection in all aspects of your relationship. It helps you and your partner feel understood and valued which, let's face it, is what we all want at the end of the day. To close this segment, remember that mastering conflict resolution and nurturing emotional intelligence are ongoing processes.

They require patience, practise and a lot of open honest communication. But the rewards? A stronger, more resilient relationship. Hopefully we've started to fill in some of the missing pages of your relationship manual, however we're not done yet.

So let's explore a concept that can dramatically improve the way that we connect with our partners. This is love languages. It was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman.

The five love languages are specific ways that people speak and understand emotional love. The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Understanding your partner's primary love language and them understanding yours, honestly it can be a game-changer.

It's like finally having the right tool for the job. If you speak different love languages you might be showing love in a way that your partner doesn't fully feel or appreciate and vice versa. For instance, if your love language is quality time but your partner's is acts of service, they might feel most loved when you do things for them, like cooking dinner or fixing something around the house.

Meanwhile, you might appreciate undivided attention on a day out together. Recognising these differences can help you both feel more loved and more valued. Okay, I think we've got time for one more chapter in this manual of ours.

So let's talk about maintaining individuality in a relationship. It's crucial to remember that being in a loving relationship doesn't mean you lose your sense of self. In fact, maintaining your individuality is key to a healthy and balanced relationship.

It's important to have your own hobbies, friendships and interests. These aspects of your life contribute to your personal growth and well-being which in turn enhance the quality of your relationship. When partners support each other's individual pursuits, they build stronger foundation of respect and admiration.

This doesn't actually mean that you have to support everything that they do. It doesn't mean that you have to participate in everything that they do. It just means that you can allow your partner to be who they are and not force them to be something different just to make you feel better.

Plus, coming back together after pursuing individual interests can really bring new energy and perspectives into the relationship. It keeps things fresh and exciting and it also shows a level of trust and security that's essential for any lasting partnership. It's all too common that I see when people who have maybe experienced an affair and they reflect back on their relationship and realise that actually their partner, their significant other, had been almost like everything to them.

Their entire life was dependent on that person in some respects. So when that person is taken away, well the impact that something like infidelity might have is tenfold. Now of course there is no true scale in terms of one person's pain versus another but I can fairly confidently say that if your spouse has been your everything, then when you remove that everything, it becomes very very difficult and you might feel very very lost.

So start building that individuality even if you recognise it in yourself that maybe you have been quite dependent in the past. So whether it's understanding how your partner expresses and receives love or ensuring you both have the space to grow individually, these aspects are crucial for a healthy enduring relationship. They are the tools that help you not just maintain but actively improve and deepen your connection.

As I wrap up today's episode, remember that these tools and concepts are not just theoretical, they are practical and actionable. Applying them can transform your understanding of relationships and help you build a more loving, respectful and fulfilling partnership and something else as well. If you have children, remember we started this by recognising that we didn't have the lessons of how to be in a relationship when we were young.

How can you, both learning these new skills, these new tactics and these new tools, how can you not only embody them yourself but also pass them on to the younger generations so that maybe they stand a bit more of a chance when they get to more difficult stages of life or difficult experiences or just really what it's like to be in a long-term romantic relationship. It's not always quite as easy or does it have the perfect Disney fairy tale ending and although they may not fully understand it now, I'm confident that in the future they will thank you for it. Okay, just a quick reminder about the Facebook community.

Again, onto Facebook, search After The Affair with Luke Shillings or directly into the URL facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community or one word and again I'll pop those links in the show notes. Thank you ever so much once again for joining me today on the After The Affair podcast. I really hope that these insights inspire you to look at your relationship with fresh eyes and encourage you to keep turning the pages of your own relationship manual.

Anyway, until next time, keep building, keep loving, keep growing and I'll talk to you all next week.