167. Is Non-Monogamy Just an Excuse for Betrayal?

When you're already shattered by betrayal, hearing your partner suggest an open relationship can feel like another blow. In this episode of After the Affair, I dive deep into the emotional chaos that unfolds when non-monogamy is introduced after infidelity. Is it a genuine part of self-discovery, or is it a strategy to avoid accountability?

I explore the increasingly common pattern of post-affair “reframing,” where cheating is spun into an enlightened desire for non-monogamy. If you're feeling confused, pressured, or like you're the one who now has to justify your values, this episode will give you language, clarity, and power.

Key Takeaways:

• Recognise when non-monogamy is an excuse for betrayal and when it is being used to dodge responsibility, not foster connection.

• Understand how betrayal reframed as “self-expression” can become emotional gaslighting.

• Learn to differentiate genuine exploration from trauma-driven coercion.

• Honour your need for safety, stability, and consent before any relationship restructuring.

• Reclaim your power by asking the right questions and trusting your emotional truth.

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you been faced with a post-betrayal request for non-monogamy?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you are listening to episode number 167.

Today's episode is one I've been wanting to talk about for a little while and I've been a bit hesitant mainly because I don't like to talk about things that are remotely controversial or maybe I do but I always try and approach them in a very neutral way and I'm sure that is what will end up happening here too but it keeps coming up. I keep seeing it on my coaching calls, my discovery calls, the messages that I receive in the stories that are shared with me and it's about non-monogamy. Now I've touched on non-monogamy a little bit before on an episode I did around polyamory but this time is a little bit different.

I want to be more specific in talking about when non-monogamy becomes a post-affair explanation, justification or escape route and the question that we're exploring today is this. Is non-monogamy being used as an excuse for betrayal and in some cases is this actually a form of gaslighting? Now this is a nuanced topic of course. Non-monogamy in and of itself is not wrong.

Consensual non-monogamy is a legitimate relationship structure, one that many people thrive in. But what I'm talking about today is something entirely different. It's a pattern that happens after betrayal, usually when the unfaithful spouse tries to reframe their behaviour as something enlightened, authentic or inevitable where non-monogamy becomes less of a relationship choice and more of a shield to avoid accountability.

So let's unpack this as carefully as we can. Before we go any further I want to be absolutely clear. I'm not criticising ethical non-monogamy, polyamory or open relationships.

It might not be my personal choice but genuine non-monogamy is consensual, it's explicit, it's transparent, it's emotionally mature, it's agreed before any behaviour happens and it's ultimately rooted in communication and boundaries and honesty. By definition ethical non-monogamy cannot include betrayal, literally, because betrayal is the absence of consent. So when people who practise E&M hear this episode they will know instantly that I'm not talking about them.

I'm talking about something else entirely, something messier, something manipulative, something that appears after somebody has cheated. So here's the pattern that I keep seeing over and over again. One spouse, often the woman although not exclusively, has an affair and for the sake of the rest of this conversation the other spouse, in this case the man, discovers it and he's devastated.

But instead of packing bags and walking out the door, as many people might assume, as that's what they are going to do after they've discovered betrayal, he instead wants to fix the relationship. He wants to understand, he wants to rebuild, he wants his family to remain together. He's open, vulnerable and emotionally destabilised.

He's in shock, he's terrified of losing everything and right there, in that fragile traumatised moment, the unfaithful spouse says something like maybe we should explore an open relationship, maybe monogamy just doesn't work for me, I need more freedom, this is who I really am, maybe we were never meant to be exclusive. Sometimes it's wrapped up in self-discovery, sometimes it's wrapped up in sexual identity, sometimes it's framed as a philosophical or biological truth but emotionally it drops like a grenade into the lap of somebody who is already traumatised. And the question becomes, is this genuine self-awareness or is this taking advantage of someone's emotional vulnerability to legitimise your own behaviour? Because in many cases it seems to be the latter.

So let's call this what it often is, a doubling down on the emotional immaturity that allowed the affair to happen in the first place. I'm going to say that again, a doubling down on the emotional immaturity that allowed the affair to happen in the first place. Because the truth is most affairs happen not because somebody wants non-monogamy but because someone lacked emotional maturity, boundaries, communication skills, self-awareness, coping strategies, conflict tolerance and accountability.

Affairs, more often than not, fill a void. They don't reveal a preference. So when someone after the fact claims, I think I'm actually non-monogamous, we have to ask a critical question.

Is this who they are or is this who you need to be in order to avoid responsibility for what you've already done? Because the timing speaks volumes. If you only discovered that you're non-monogamous after getting caught, that's not authenticity, that's justification. So this brings the next question of, is this gaslighting? Let's talk about it.

Gaslighting happens when someone distorts reality in a way that makes you doubt your own perception or sanity or even just your right to be upset. So here's how non-monogamy becomes a gaslighting tool, or at least how it could do. We were basically non-monogamous emotionally anyway.

Or, this is normal, most couples don't stay faithful. Or, you're being the controlling one. Monogamy? Outdated.

You're stuck in the past. You should be more open-minded. I didn't cheat, I just couldn't be myself with you.

These statements, they all flip the script. Suddenly the betrayed partner becomes the rigid one, the insecure one, the problem, the barrier. And the unfaithful partner becomes the enlightened one, the liberated one, the one discovering their truth.

It reframes the betrayal as if it were a compatibility issue rather than a breach of trust. That's not exploration, that's manipulation, that's emotional coercion. And yes, that is gaslighting.

So let's sit with the power dynamic for a moment. When betrayal has just happened, the betrayed partner is emotionally shattered. They are destabilised, traumatised, confused, terrified of further loss, desperate to save the relationship.

They're willing to compromise pretty much anything to prevent further pain. This is not the moment to introduce major relationship restructuring. This is not the moment to request sexual freedom.

This is not the moment to negotiate monogamy. Because consent given under trauma is not consent. It's survival.

So when an unfaithful spouse uses this moment to suggest open relationships, what they're actually doing is leveraging heartbreak to secure more freedom. And that is emotionally abusive. Not intentionally abusive.

Abuse can also be unintentional. But the impact is the same. The betrayed partner ends up feeling trapped, inadequate and powerless.

I'm going to say the part many people think, but very few say. To ask for sexual or romantic freedom after betraying someone, while they're at their most vulnerable, before you've done any repair work, is cowardly. Not because non-monogamy is bad, but because you're avoiding the consequences of your own behaviour.

You're skipping the uncomfortable work of accountability. You're bypassing empathy. You're prioritising your freedom over the person you hurt.

You're using their fear to secure your comfort. That is not self-expression. It's self-protection at somebody else's expense.

I think probably the most important message that I'm trying to explain here is that your partner is not wrong if they desire non-monogamy, but they are wrong for imposing it without consent, especially after betrayal. You are not outdated. You are not insecure.

You are not prudish. You are not controlling. You are not unenlightened.

You simply believe that love, safety and commitment require trust, honesty and exclusivity. And that is valid. It's normal.

It's healthy and it does not need defending. If you're in this dynamic right now, here are some questions that perhaps you can sit with. Did they express non-monogamous desires before the affair or only after being caught? Are they asking for a conversation or are they pressuring you into agreement? Is there accountability for the betrayal or is it being reframed as a compatibility issue? Do you feel like you can say no safely? Does this feel like exploration or escape? And finally, are they expanding your options or shrinking them? Your answers, they will tell you everything you need to know.

Non-monogamy isn't the villain here. Plenty of people build beautiful, healthy, deeply connected relationships in open structures. The problem isn't non-monogamy.

The problem is using it as a shield to avoid accountability. The problem is using philosophy to excuse harm. The problem is introducing sexual freedom at the exact moment your partner needs emotional safety.

You're not wrong for wanting commitment. You're not wrong for wanting exclusivity. You're not wrong for wanting repair before reinvention.

The real issue isn't monogamy versus non-monogamy. It's consent versus deception. And you deserve a relationship where your consent matters.

If this episode touched something in you, if you're questioning whether your partner's request for non-monogamy is genuine, manipulative or simply mistimed, coaching can help you find clarity without losing yourself in the process. Inside one-to-one coaching and the After The Affair Collective, we work on rebuilding your confidence, your boundaries and your sense of power. This is done through three phases.

Stabilisation, reconstruction and reclamation. So now you can make decisions that honour your values, not your fears. You can learn more at LifeCoachLuke.com or you can reach out directly if you need support.

Contact me at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com or join us over on Instagram at MyLifeCoachLuke. You don't have to navigate this alone and you definitely don't have to accept an arrangement that was born out of trauma, not truth. Until next time, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you all next week.