107. Why Relationship Statistics Are Wrong About You

In this episode of After the Affair, I take a deep dive into the topic of relationship statistics and why they don’t define you. While statistics can provide context, they don’t account for the unique dynamics, growth, and emotional complexities of each individual relationship.

I explore the dangers of letting numbers dictate your relationship's fate and share two real-life examples, one of a person who defied the odds and rebuilt trust after infidelity, and another who, despite having everything in their favour on paper, saw their marriage fall apart.

If you’ve ever felt boxed in by relationship statistics, this episode is for you. Remember, numbers don’t define your relationship; only you and your partner can decide what’s possible. Tune in, reflect, and share this episode with someone who might need to hear it.

Key Takeaways:

Why We Rely on Statistics:

• How numbers can create limiting beliefs and reinforce our fears in relationships.

Possibility vs. Probability:

• Shifting focus from statistical predictions to personal growth and possibility, empowering individuals to write their own stories.

Two Real-Life Stories:

• One partner who defied the odds after infidelity and rebuilt their marriage.

• Another partner whose relationship, despite having every advantage on paper, fell apart due to a lack of emotional connection.

The Power of Growth Mindset:

• How personal growth and resilience can reshape your relationship, regardless of what the statistics say.

Why Statistics Aren’t Destiny:

• Relationships are complex and personal; no statistic can capture the uniqueness of your journey.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you ever allowed relationship statistics to influence your outlook on your relationship? What would change if you focused on possibilities rather than predictions?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and today I want to dive into something that I know many of you have thought about. Relationship statistics. We see them all the time.

Divorce rates, success predictions after infidelity, even the infamous 50% of marriages end in divorce statistic. It's everywhere and it can be overwhelming to say the least. But here's the thing, while these numbers can give us an idea of a bigger picture they don't define your relationship.

You are not a statistic and your relationship is far more than just a number. Today we'll talk about why focussing on possibility over probability can really change everything. Let's start by asking why do statistics play such a big role in how we view our relationships? Think about it.

We love data. Well actually I love data. We love control.

We love to know what's coming and what to expect and statistics give us some sense of control. If X percentage of relationships fail then maybe I can calculate my chances. But here's the problem.

Statistics are a map, not a prophecy. They don't account for you, for your unique relationship, your context, your growth and by focussing too much on the numbers we risk putting our relationships in a box. When you think about your relationship as being destined to fail because of statistics it's like sealing your own fate before you've even tried.

I'm here to help break that mould. In today's episode we'll talk about how couples defy the odds and build relationships that don't fit the statistical mould. But first have you ever felt like a statistic was hanging over your head? What happens when you let that number define your relationship? In a moment I'll dive into why you aren't bound by those numbers so stay with me.

Let me share something I see all the time. People latch on to statistics like 50% of marriages end in divorce or what about John Gottman's research that predicts relationship outcomes with a surprisingly high accuracy. 85 to 94 percent are percentages often quoted that after an assessment by the Gottman Institute could predict your relationship success.

But have we considered the 6 to 15 percent that don't apply to that rule? Sometimes we can take these statistics and we can start using them to reinforce our fears. You see it's easy to think well if the numbers say that we're likely to fail then maybe I should just give up now. But what if we flipped the script? What if instead of focussing on probability we focused on possibility? You're not a statistic and your relationship doesn't need to follow a predefined pattern.

Every relationship is unique and when you shift your mindset to one of possibility you open up a whole new world of opportunities. You get to create the outcome you want. Those numbers they're a tool for context not a rule book for your future.

Let me tell you about two individuals I worked with, each from very different relationships. One defied all the odds and the other despite having everything in their favour on paper didn't make it. The first person I worked with was the wife in a marriage that had been through multiple betrayals.

Her husband had been unfaithful more than once and when she first came to me she felt completely broken, unsure if there was any way to recover from what had happened. She had seen the statistics and felt doomed. She'd spent time searching Google and all of the things thinking that after so many breaches of trust divorce was an almost certainty.

But she wasn't ready to give up just yet. She wanted to understand why this had happened and whether there was any way to rebuild. We spent our time focussing on the things that we could control, her growth and helping her regain her self-worth, confronting the pain she'd been carrying and rebuild her internal strength.

She worked through her emotions and she started setting clearer boundaries. She noticed her husband slowly beginning to shift as well. It wasn't a smooth journey but by focussing on her personal growth she found that her perspective on the relationship started to change.

She let go of trying to control or predict what might happen next and instead embraced the idea of possibility. She worked on healing herself and as she grew stronger the relationship began to heal too. Against all odds she and her husband were able to rebuild trust and create a new foundation for their marriage.

Her husband put in the work too. They're still together today and despite what the numbers said her journey is proof that statistics don't always define the outcome. Your growth and choices do.

On the flip side I also worked with a man whose relationship on paper seemed like it had everything going for it. He'd been married for over a decade, no infidelity, no big arguments, just seemingly stable. It was a successful relationship by every account.

He came to me because something felt off to him. There wasn't a major crisis but he felt disconnected from his wife in ways that he just couldn't quite put into words. We worked together to explore what was going on beneath the surface and it became clear that while everything looked perfect from the outside the emotional connection between them had faded.

He had assumed that since there were no big problems the relationship was fine but the truth was both he and his wife had been living more like roommates than partners. They weren't fighting but they also weren't connecting on a deeper emotional level and despite following all of the typical relationship advice, regular date nights, good communication on practical level, something vital was still missing. Eventually the emotional distance between them came too much and they decided to separate.

It wasn't a dramatic ending but rather the result of slowly drifting apart. Even though the statistics would have predicted their success their lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability ultimately led to the end of their marriage and this is something that they hadn't seen themselves. They thought that they both had a really good solid stable relationship.

This man's story is a reminder that even when everything looks right on paper it's the emotional connection and growth within the relationship that truly matters. Statistics alone didn't capture the subtle underlying issues in his marriage and that's why it's so important not to rely solely on predictions when it comes to relationships. These two examples show us why it's critical to focus on possibility and personal growth rather than being boxed in by numbers or predictions.

Relationships are deeply personal and unique. Statistics can give us an idea of trends, sure, but they can't predict individual outcomes. Whether you're in a relationship that feels like it's falling apart or one that looks great on the surface but lacks depth, remember that you have the power to shape your future.

The numbers don't decide, you do. Let me ask you this, have you ever looked at a statistic and felt like it defined your relationship or maybe it created fear around your relationship's future? Take a second to reflect on that. How have these numbers shaped your mindset about your relationship? Feel free to reach out and let me know, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

This is where the concept of growth mindset really comes in. When we focus on growth rather than fixed outcomes, we open up a space for transformation in relationships and this is critical. So even if you're in a relationship that the numbers say is likely to fail, remember you have the power to write a different story.

Focus on what you can create, not on what the numbers say that you're destined for. Each day is a chance to defy the odds but it takes conscious effort and willingness to grow. I like to think of statistics like the weather forecast.

It might say there's a 60% chance of rain but it doesn't mean that you're guaranteed to get soaked. However, you can always carry an umbrella and plan for it and still have a great day. So here's a challenge for you this week, think of a limiting belief that you've held about your relationship based on a statistic or a prediction and then ask yourself this, what can I create here? Maybe you can take it one step further, write it down, reflect on it and share it with somebody you trust and then challenge that belief and start shifting from fear to possibility.

To wrap things up, I want to leave this episode with one key takeaway. You're not bound by statistics, your relationship is unique and your story is yours to create. Don't let the numbers tell you what your relationship should look like and instead focus on the possibilities and the growth that you can foster, no matter what the odds.

If you found this episode helpful then please share it with somebody that might need to hear it and if you listening want to figure out what the next step is for you then there's various ways that you can do that. You can visit my website lifecoachluke.com, you can come and join me over at Instagram at mylifecoachluke or you can join the After The Affair community on Facebook which you simply visit facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community and I look forward to connecting with you over there. Okay take care, have a great week and I'll speak to you all very soon.