190. Stuck Between Two Lives? You’re Avoiding the Real Decision

Sometimes what looks like confusion is actually avoidance. And if you’re the betrayed partner, that can be deeply painful to witness. You may be watching someone you love remain emotionally split, unable or unwilling to choose, while you’re left carrying the weight of their indecision.

In this episode, I explore the psychological toll of living in limbo, why people cling to false hope in relationships, and how avoiding a decision creates even more pain over time. Inside this episode, you’ll hear why “feeling stuck” is often something deeper, and what it really takes to move towards relationship clarity, letting go, and infidelity healing.

Key Takeaways:

• Feeling stuck is often less about confusion and more about avoiding the cost of a decision.

• False hope in relationships can keep people emotionally invested in multiple outcomes at once.

• Limbo is not neutral; it creates emotional exhaustion, disconnection, and ongoing pain.

• Intense emotional fantasy is not the same as a sustainable, healthy relationship.

• Real clarity comes from honesty, self-reflection, and choosing what you’re willing to lose rather than self-abandonment.

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you ever experienced the pain of someone being unable to choose, or found yourself holding on to false hope in relationships?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 190 Stuck Between Two Lives? You’re Avoiding the Real Decision Now most of the episodes I record are focused on the betrayed partner, understanding what they're going through, helping them stabilise, helping them make sense of the emotional chaos that follows betrayal.

But today I wanted to shift the focus slightly because there's another dynamic that shows up quite often in this space and although it is less talked about it's just as important to understand and that's the experience of feeling caught between two lives, between two directions, between two versions of what your future could look like. And instead of moving clearly in one direction you find yourself kind of stuck in between. This isn't usually a sudden situation.

It doesn't start with someone consciously deciding to live two lives, it builds gradually. A relationship begins to feel different, distance grows, connection changes, something that once felt stable starts to feel uncertain and then something else appears, another connection, another experience, another version of yourself even. And instead of replacing one with the other both start to exist at the same time.

If you've ever been in this position it doesn't feel like you're doing something wrong, at least not to begin with. It feels like you're trying to figure things out, it feels like I just need more time, I don't want to make the wrong decision, I need to understand what's right for me. And all of that feels, well, somewhat reasonable.

It feels like you're being careful, thoughtful, measured, but underneath that there's often something else. Because over time that space between two lives starts to feel less like a choice and more like a trap. You might start to feel pulled in different directions, unable to commit to either path, emotionally exhausted, constantly thinking, analysing or replaying and eventually the language becomes, I feel stuck.

And this is where I want to slow things right down because stuck is a very powerful word. It suggests that something is happening to you, that your circumstances are controlling the outcome, that you don't have agency. But when we look at it just a little more closely, what we often find is you're not stuck, you're avoiding a decision.

Now I know that can sound confronting because it can feel like I'm minimising the complexity of the situation, but that's not what I'm doing here. The situation is complex and there are real consequences, there is real impact, but the feeling of being stuck often comes from not wanting to face those consequences fully. Because let's be honest about what each option represents.

If you choose one path you lose the other and that loss is real. Perhaps it looks like letting go of a relationship that you've built over years or in some cases even decades, impacting family, children, identity, facing guilt, judgement, uncertainty. Or it might look like letting go of a connection that feels alive, a relationship that feels exciting or meaningful, a version of yourself that you've rediscovered.

And both of those losses are very difficult. So instead of choosing one, you hold on to both because it feels like a way to avoid loss. But what's actually happening is that you're simply delaying it and in delaying it you're also adding something else.

Prolonged uncertainty, emotional strain, increased attachment, more complexity. So instead of experiencing one clear loss, you experience ongoing discomfort. This creates what I often refer to as the illusion of a third option.

Not choosing, waiting, letting things unfold, just seeing what happens, hoping that something will become clearer, hoping one path will naturally fall away so that you don't have to actively let go. But that third option it doesn't actually exist because not choosing is still a choice. It's a choice to stay in the middle.

And limbo is not neutral. It has a psychological cost. It creates a constant background noise in your life, a feeling that something is unresolved, a sense that you're not fully present anywhere.

Perhaps you notice that you're distracted in conversations, you're emotionally unavailable, you're physically present but mentally often elsewhere. You're constantly thinking about what if and over time that becomes exhausting. Now let's talk about hope because hope is often what keeps this dynamic going.

Hope that things will improve, hope that clarity will arrive, hope that the decision will somehow make itself, and hope in many situations can be helpful. But here it can become a way of avoiding your reality because it keeps you emotionally invested in multiple outcomes. So instead of asking what is true right now, you stay in what might be true later.

There's also a very real emotional pull happening. When you have a strong connection with someone, especially one that feels different or new or intense, it creates a kind of attachment. Your mind returns to it, your body responds to it, you replay it, you imagine it, and that can feel like this is what I really want.

But it's important to separate what feels intense from what is actually sustainable because those aren't always the same thing. And this is where I see so many people get stuck because the focus stays external. What should I do about them? What if I lose this? What if I regret my choice? Instead of turning inward and asking what am I avoiding right now? What am I not willing to face? What am I holding on to that I need to let go of? This is exactly the kind of work we do inside one-to-one coaching.

Not just looking at the situation but understanding your role within it, your patterns, your cycle, your emotional responses. Because until that part becomes clear, the situation doesn't resolve. It just continues.

There's a belief that time creates clarity. If I just wait long enough, I know what to do. If I just wait long enough, I'll know what to do.

As though sitting there and folding your arms and waiting is magically going to resolve the future for you. But clarity rarely comes from waiting. It comes from engagement, from asking yourself difficult questions, from being honest about what you want and what you're willing to accept as a consequence of that.

Clarity comes after, not before. Because every decision has a cost but avoiding the decision also has a cost. And here's the part that's often hardest to accept.

If you're trying to keep both options alive, you're not fully choosing either of them. And over time that damages both relationships. It also damages you because the relationships themselves need presence, clarity, commitment and without any of those they begin to erode.

Even the one that you are trying to protect. Now I want to be very clear about something. This isn't about blame.

It's not about saying that you are a bad person. It's about recognising a pattern, a very human pattern. Avoiding pain by delaying decisions.

Trying to hold on to multiple outcomes. Hoping to reduce loss. But instead you're actually increasing it.

And if you're listening to this from the other side, as a betrayed partner, this might give you some insight. Because what can look like confusion or indecision is often avoidance. Not because they don't care, but because they don't want to face the cost of choosing.

And that doesn't mean that you have to accept it. It doesn't mean that you have to like it or agree with it. But it might help you at least understand it.

So the shift here is simple. Not easy, but simple. Instead of asking what should I do, perhaps start asking am I willing to choose? Because that's the real question.

Not which option is perfect, which is best, which is going to give me the the right outcome. But whether you're willing to accept the cost of one instead of trying to avoid the cost of both. If you recognise yourself in this, I want you to take something from it.

You don't need to rush. You don't need to decide everything today. But you do need to be honest about where you are, about what you're doing, about what you're avoiding.

Because staying in limbo doesn't protect you or anybody else from the pain. It just prolongs it. And if you are really struggling with that, if you feel pulled in different directions, overwhelmed or unsure how to move forward, this is something that we can work through together.

Find out more information at lifecoachluke.com or come and join me over at Instagram at my life coach Luke. Until next time, take care of yourself. I'll speak to you next week.