100. The Anniversaries We Hate: Redefining Time and Memory

In this milestone episode, titled "The Anniversaries We Hate: Redefining Time and Memory," I take a deep dive into the emotional significance of anniversaries, those dates on the calendar that can bring both joy and dread.

From birthdays and weddings to D-days and divorces, anniversaries often carry a heavy emotional weight. In this episode, I explore why we associate such strong feelings with these dates, how they can control our emotions, and what it means to redefine these anniversaries in a way that supports our healing and growth.

I challenge the traditional view of anniversaries, offering insights into how we can stop reliving past pain and start creating a future filled with the celebrations that truly matter.

Key Takeaways:

The Origin and Significance of Anniversaries:

• How anniversaries became significant markers of time in our lives.

• The human need for structure and meaning behind these dates.

The Emotional Impact of Anniversaries:

• How positive anniversaries are used to create new memories.

• Why negative anniversaries lead us to dwell on the past and re-punish ourselves.

• The power of anniversaries as emotional triggers.

Rewriting Our Stories Around Anniversaries:

• Strategies for transforming the impact of negative anniversaries.

• Creating new traditions and focusing on growth.

• The importance of self-care and setting positive intentions for future anniversaries.

Choosing the Anniversaries We Want to Celebrate:

• How to shift focus from past pain to future milestones.

• Celebrating personal growth, resilience, and new beginnings.

💬 Reflection Questions:

What anniversaries do you want to celebrate in the future? How can you start rewriting your story around the ones that bring you pain?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Episode 100. Would you believe it? Welcome.

You're listening to the After The Affair podcast and I'm your host Luke Shillings and you are listening to the 100th episode. I... it takes me back. I can remember that time when I sat here in front of the microphone in the very same position that I'm sat now and recorded that first introduction on episode one and I think it started with I can't believe I'm doing this or something to that effect.

I can't honestly express how grateful I am both for the opportunity to even to be able to do this in my life and also to all of the people that have listened or to the people, to all the people that have reached out and communicated with me, they've followed me, they've joined the Facebook group, like everybody that I have been connected with, to all of my guests and the podcast that I've been on as well as a consequence of this and just everything that's come from it it's just it's just amazing to think that you really can't predict what comes next and again I think that was kind of the theme of at least the first part of episode one where you just you just don't know what comes next and even when you put things in place and you make plans and you you head off in a particular direction you can't really establish what the outcome is going to be but it doesn't stop you from taking that risk from embracing that discomfort from making those decisions that that leads you to places that well might just be the best places you've ever been so I encourage you to to learn from my journey and it's not about copying or emulating it's about taking a chance when you feel like there's a chance to be taken fulfilling a dream that maybe you didn't believe you could fulfil and really exploring what that looks like for you so I want to celebrate today and not just this milestone but but also just by exploring the overall concept of anniversaries and that's from birthdays to weddings d-days to divorce dates in anniversaries they hold the significant emotional weight in our lives but why do we make these arbitrary dates mean so much why do we let them control our emotions today I want to dive into both the oranges the oranges well not oranges I'm not editing that out the origins of these anniversaries and why they impact us so deeply and how we can rewrite our stories to celebrate the moments that truly matter so let's get started and just as a quick fun fact if you have been listening since day one or you have joined me on this journey and listen to all the episodes you can know that you have listened to two thousand three hundred and eighty seven minutes of the after the affair podcast which is around 40 hours and of course that's a really big commitment for anybody and it's kind of interesting it probably takes me on average somewhere between I don't know two to four hours to produce each episode from conception to ideas to you know really have a structure to recording to editing to publishing and and all the things so it's also kind of amazing to think that you know the amount of time that I've also put into into this and I don't regret one second of it so anyway before we go too nostalgic let's focus on the anniversaries so anniversaries at their core they are what a marker of time they are a way for us to measure the duration between events I guess the concept of time itself is man-made it's a man-made construct and I guess at some point at history I've not looked this up by the way but in some point in history someone looked at the positions of the Sun and the moon and the earth and the way that it rotated and all these things and decided on a method to measure time and this allowed us to create a structured way of living marking important events and planning for future events birthdays for instance mark the passage of another year in our lives wedding anniversaries celebrate the endurance of a union d-days or the days when significant often traumatic events happened serve as reminders of those impactful moments we attach emotional significance to these dates which can be both positive and negative but why do these dates hold so much power over us part of it lies in our need for structure and meaning humans are storytellers by nature and anniversaries help us create a narrative around our lives they give us a sense of continuity and identity and celebrating an anniversary can be a way to honour the past reflect on the present or to potentially even look forward to the future while anniversaries can be a source of joy and celebration they can also bring about feelings of sadness anxiety and in some cases even dread this is especially true for anniversaries associated with painful events such as the discovery of infidelity or the finalisation of a divorce these days and weeks leading up to these dates can be filled with anticipation and emotional turmoil but why do we allow ourselves to be miserable or upset on these specific days one reason is that anniversaries act as triggers they're reminders of past events and the emotions associated with them this can lead to a reliving of the pain and the trauma making it difficult to move forward it's interesting to note the difference in how we handle anniversaries associated with positive memories versus those linked with negative ones when we celebrate anniversaries that carry positive memories such as birthdays or wedding anniversaries we often use these occasions as opportunities to create new memories we plan celebrations we gather with loved ones we focus on joy and connection and these positive anniversaries become milestones that mark growth and happiness continually adding layers of positive experiences to our lives conversely when it comes to anniversaries associated with negative memories we tend to dwell on the past and repunish ourselves in the process we relive the pain focussing on the trauma and the hurt and this can create a cycle of negative emotions where the anticipation of the anniversary amplifies the feelings of sadness anger or regret instead of using these dates as opportunities for healing or growth we often find ourselves stuck in a loop of reliving the worst moments however it's important to challenge this pattern while it's natural to feel strong emotions around significant dates we don't have to let these anniversaries control us the significance we place on these dates is often arbitrary and time is a construct and while the anniversary of a painful event can feel incredibly real it doesn't have to define our emotions or dictate our behaviour we have the power to rewrite our stories and change how we respond to these anniversaries when we think about negative memories of anything any any event that's happened in the past what we're really doing in that moment is we're recalling and thinking about the memory of that event rather than thinking about the event itself and every time we recall that memory we modify it slightly just very very subtly and gradually over time we actually begin to dissociate ourselves with maybe the true event itself because we're picturing a story or we've got this narrative that we're trying to live into based on how painful it felt at the time and then every time we retell it that kind of reinforces how painful it was which makes it feel even worse and then we just continue this cycle which can be really quite hard to get out of particularly when it's triggered unexpectedly as a future date often because we buried it away in some way because we couldn't handle the constant repetition of it at the time so we just distracted ourselves with some other thing in the hope that we could just move forward and get over it it's interesting this alignment with both episode 100 the idea that that this is an anniversary in and of itself to some to some extent that I'm marking it is just an arbitrary number you know essentially it's just one before 101 and one after 99 it is just a number it doesn't really mean anything and yet I still have chosen to explore this topic and then of course I know that I see it in my clients I see in people all the time particularly when they've got anniversaries coming up particularly when it comes to d-days they've discovered an affair or maybe they have that's the day that their relationship came to an end or that's the day that they became divorced or whatever it is and well maybe even it's their wedding anniversary and they're no longer with their partner and now all of a sudden this feels tainted in some way well this ties in also as well with actually something I personally experienced just recently I had my wedding anniversary although technically I'm not married anymore however me and my partner have chosen to still continue to celebrate the day and to continually use it as an opportunity to create new memories even though we've been through some incredibly difficult times and we were apart for a few years as a consequence it it really is your place to create and give meaning to what you want rather than using it as an opportunity to beat yourself up and taint the story that you're telling yourself about what you have created in your life so let's think about how we could maybe approach negative anniversaries differently instead of dwelling on the past we can use these dates as opportunities for reflection and growth we can honour the progress we've made since the event we can acknowledge our strength we can set intentions for the future and by shifting our focus from pain to resilience we can transform these anniversaries into milestones for and of personal growth for example if the anniversary of discovering an affair is particularly painful consider turning it into a day of self-care and empowerment make it something to look forward to treat yourself to something special engage in activities that make you feel strong and valued and surround yourself with positivity this doesn't mean ignore the pain but instead choose to honour the journey that you are on and your own healing it's also worth noting that not all negative anniversaries have to be transformed immediately it's okay to take time to process your emotions and to seek support when needed healing is a journey and it's important to be compassionate with yourself along the way rewriting our stories begins with recognising that we actually have the power to change the narrative just because something significant happened on a particular date doesn't mean that we have to let that date control us year after year here are just a few ways to start rewriting your story around anniversaries first let's acknowledge the emotion it's okay to feel sad angry or anxious around certain anniversaries allow yourself to acknowledge these emotions without judgement understand why you feel this way is the first step towards healing then you can create new traditions instead of dreading a particular anniversary create new positive traditions around that date this could be something as simple as spending the day doing something you love volunteering or spending time with supportive friends and family you can also focus on your growth this kind of encapsulates the entire process reflect on how far you've come since the event that you are commemorating celebrate the progress that you've made the lessons that you've learned and the strength that you've gained this can shift your focus from pain to growth and resilience of course there's always the option to seek support if an anniversary does feel overwhelming particularly if it's maybe the first anniversary and don't hesitate to seek support from friends a therapist a professional a coach someone like myself or even the support groups talking about your feelings can really provide relief and help you gain new perspectives and then this sets us all up for setting intentions for the future think about what anniversaries you want to celebrate in the future this could be milestones in your healing journey personal achievements or new beginnings maybe giving a completely new take on an existing anniversary setting positive intentions can give you something to look forward to and help reshape your emotional landscape so instead of being in a place where you're constantly anticipating the worst as the lead up towards an event you can actually start to look forward to it again if the anniversary of discovering an affair is particularly painful then treat yourself to something special engage in activities that make you feel strong and valued and surround yourself with positive people and things that you love and value and while we can't change the past we can choose which anniversaries we want to celebrate in the first place think about those milestones that really matter to you these could be moments of personal growth accomplishments or significant changes in your life and celebrating these positive anniversaries can help shift your focus on what was lost to what has been gained it allows you to create a narrative that honours your journey and highlights your resilience you might choose to celebrate the anniversary of starting a new hobby achieving a personal goal or reaching a specific milestone in your journey these celebrations can be a reminder of your strength and your progress and provide motivation and encouragement for the future look I really want to thank you again for joining me not only on this episode but for all of the episodes of the after the affair podcast or at least everyone that you've listened to I love being here I love talking to you I genuinely believe I'm having a conversation with each and every one of you and long may it continue I would also encourage you if you haven't already to come and join us over on the after the affair community you can visit this and join by visiting facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash after the affair community I know it's a bit of a mouthful it's facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash after the affair community I'm sure if you just searched for after the affair with Luke shillings in the Facebook search you would find it and of course I will pop the link in the show notes as well I do a Facebook live every week in the group and I would love you to be there to take advantage of it as well so hopefully see you there soon as we wrap up this episode of anniversaries when although they are as I've already described arbitrary they do hold significant emotional weight in our lives and by understanding their impact and choosing to rewrite our stories we really can take control of how we respond to these dates and what they really mean to us so I'd like to leave you with a question to reflect on what anniversaries do you want to celebrate in the future and how can you start rewriting your story around the ones that bring you pain think about this question as you navigate your journey and remember that you really do have the power to create a narrative that honours your strength and your resilience if you have found this discussion helpful and please share it with others who might benefit and as always I'm here to support you on your particular journey if you need it people reach out to me all the time and as I have always promised I will reply to every email personally it's something that is really important to me and I genuinely want to try and help you on your journey whatever that looks like whether we work together or not so until next time which now we're into three-digit episodes take care of yourself and I'll speak to you all very very soon goodbye.