99. The Want Match: Aligning Desires After Betrayal

In this episode, titled "The Want Match: Aligning Desires After Betrayal," I explore the concept of the "Want Match," which focuses on aligning the desires and needs of both partners in a relationship.

This episode delves into how recognising and understanding these wants can create a more balanced and fulfilling partnership. I share practical steps to identify, communicate, and navigate these desires, along with relatable examples to illustrate the concept.

Key Takeaways:

Understanding the Want Match Concept:

• Explanation of the "Want Match" concept.

• Importance of aligning what one partner wants to give with what the other partner desires to receive.

• Recognizing that no single person can fulfill all emotional and relational needs.

Identifying Your Own Desires:

• Importance of making a detailed list of your desires in a relationship.

• Examples of common desires such as emotional support, physical intimacy, and shared activities.

Communicating with Your Partner:

• How to share your desires openly with your partner.

• Encouraging your partner to do the same for mutual understanding.

Assessing the Matches and Discussing Misalignments:

• Determining which desires align naturally.

• Examples of matched and mismatched desires in relationships.

• Discussing areas of misalignment with compassion and understanding.

Exploring Willingness to Compromise:

• Discussing the importance of genuine willingness to compromise.

• Examples of how partners can compromise to meet each other's needs.

Planning for Alternative Fulfillment:

• Finding ways to fulfill desires that cannot be met within the relationship.

• Ensuring that external fulfillment respects the boundaries and commitments of the relationship.

Regularly Re-evaluating and Focusing on Self-Care:

• The importance of periodically revisiting the "want match" list.

• Focusing on self-care and personal growth to reduce dependency on your partner.

Embracing Flexibility and Understanding:

• Recognizing that not all desires will be perfectly met.

• Balancing personal wants with realistic expectations and mutual respect.

💬 Reflection Question:

How can you and your partner better communicate and align your desires to create a more fulfilling relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 99, The Want Match. The Want Match is a concept that was developed by Brooke Castillo and although you could freely go and listen to it on one of her podcast episodes I wanted to share my perspective and how I use it both in my personal life but also with my clients.

The Want Match concept essentially revolves around the idea that in relationships, particularly romantic ones, there is a harmony when the desires and the needs both partners align. This alignment occurs when what one person wants to give or do matches what the other person wants to receive. It's like finding a rhythm together where both partners feel fulfilled and valued because their needs and wants are being met in a mutually satisfying way.

Let's start with a couple Sarah and James. Sarah loves giving thoughtful gifts and planning surprises. It brings her joy to see James happy and excited.

Fortunately James loves receiving surprises and feels deeply appreciated when Sarah puts the effort into planning those special moments. Here there is a clear Want Match. Sarah wants to give surprises and James loves to receive them.

On the other hand consider another couple Emma and Alex. Emma craves deep intellectual conversations and feels connected when she can engage in these discussions. However Alex prefers light-hearted talks and gets overwhelmed by intense conversations.

Here there's a clear mismatch in their wants. Emma wants to give and receive intellectual engagement but Alex doesn't enjoy it as much. This concept emphasises the importance of recognising that no single person can fulfil all our emotional and relational needs.

Instead it's crucial to identify what each partner genuinely enjoys doing and is willing to provide and to acknowledge when there is a mismatch in these desires. For example if one partner loves physical affection and the other is less inclined towards it, it's essential to have an open dialogue about these differences and find a way to navigate them. Another example might be in the realm of hobbies or interests.

Suppose one partner, Mark, loves outdoor activities like hiking and camping while the other, Lisa, prefers indoor activities like reading and cooking. Mark's desire to spend weekends might not align with Lisa's preferences for a cosy weekend at home. Recognising this mismatch allows the couple to discuss how they can both feel fulfilled.

Perhaps they decide to alternate weekends or find new activities that they both enjoy. The want-match concept encourages couples to focus on understanding and respecting each other's needs and finding ways to align their desires. This might mean compromising at times or finding alternative ways to meet those needs outside the relationship as long as it respects the boundaries and commitments of the partnership.

For instance Lisa might join a book club to fulfil her need for literary discussions whilst Mark could find a hiking group to satisfy his love for the outdoors. Ultimately the want-match, this concept, it's about fostering a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued and satisfied even if not all desires perfectly align. It's about creating a partnership that acknowledges and respects the individual differences while finding the common ground to build a harmonious connection.

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again but I clearly remember a time in my life where I thought that my partner completed me. Like my partner was the missing piece to every element, every unfulfilled part of me was completed by her. But of course this was an incredibly intense demand that I was putting upon another human being for me to feel the way that I wanted to feel.

She would have had to have been a superhuman to have even come close to fulfilling all of the things I could possibly need in my own individual life. And to think that I couldn't get those things elsewhere was actually quite a drawback. Or more importantly if I thought that for example or maybe I maybe shared a slightly different sense of humour or maybe there were certain topics that were not necessarily open for discussion, that doesn't mean that a there's something wrong with my relationship, b there's something wrong with my partner, c there's something wrong with me.

It just means that I could just maybe have those conversations about those topics with a different person. And we all know this it's all okay it's absolutely fine it's just openly discussed and then we can explore and move forward and not make it mean anything about each other. So how do we actually use this? So I'm going to do a couple of things.

One is talk you through it in this episode. It's something that you can get a pen and paper and make some notes and understand the basics. But also if you want to actually implement this directly in your relationship then let me know.

Drop me a message, send me an email luke at lifecoachluke.com and in the subject line just put want match and I'll send you the worksheet that I use with my clients to help you build that want match in your own relationships. So let's start by identifying your own desires. Take some time to make a detailed list of the things that you want from a relationship.

This can include emotional support, physical intimacy, intellectual conversations, shared activities and much more. In the worksheet I list out several categories that you could work from and this gives you an idea of what that might look like. So for example you might want regular physical intimacy, deep intellectual conversations or shared activities like hiking or cooking that we spoke about before.

Perhaps it's about how much time you spend with the in-laws. Maybe it's about your future hopes and dreams, your desire to travel or your desire to build an extension or renovate a house. Whatever it is for you these can be big things and these can also be very little things.

Maybe it's that arm around you when you are sat on the sofa watching Netflix. It's about being honest with yourself but also about what truly makes you feel fulfilled and happy. Once you have this list it's time to communicate it with your partner.

Share your desires openly and ask your partner to do the same. This transparency helps both partners understand each other's needs and desires, creating a space for honest dialogue. Remember the goal is not to demand or even criticise but to share and understand.

You might discover that your partner enjoys different activities or has different needs for emotional support and by sharing these lists you both get a clearer picture of where your desires align and where they might diverge. You might be surprised what you learn about your partner. You might also be surprised about what you learn about yourself.

How much of your relationship has been conforming with how you think a relationship should be or how you think other people think that your relationship should be? What if you just had some personal desires? Things that you want from a relationship? Things that you want for yourself? Why have you felt the need to hide this up until now? And of all things why would you want to hide that from the person, the most significant person in your life? So once we have this we can start to assess the matches. We can determine which desires align naturally. For example if you want that regular physical intimacy and your partner enjoys it too then you have a good want match in that area.

Celebrate these matches and recognise them as strengths in your relationship. Next discuss areas of misalignment. Identify where there's a lack of alignment.

If you want to travel frequently but your partner doesn't enjoy travelling then recognise these differences. This doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed but it does require open discussion and understanding so that you can figure out how you can make this still work for both of you in a way where you both feel heard, understood and valued. When we have got these misalignments we need to do something with them and there's a couple of things that we can do.

One is we can explore our willingness to compromise. Discuss perhaps whether the partner not naturally inclined towards a particular activity is willing to engage in it occasionally. It's important that this willingness comes from a genuine place and not from obligation.

Authentic willingness to compromise can strengthen your bond and show that both partners each value each other's happiness. For example your partner might agree to travel occasionally even if it's not their favourite activity because they know how much it means to you. Likewise you may engage in activities that your partner enjoys even if they aren't your top choice.

This is where the willingness part is so important. It's not about you trying to do something to make your partner feel better. It's not about them doing something they don't want to do to make you feel better.

It's about either or both of you willingly choosing to do that thing or engage in that activity because you get pleasure from either the activity itself which you may not know because you might not have tried it or you get pleasure from the fact that you're doing something that you want to do to support and engage and connect with your partner even if the activity itself is not your primary choice. Now of course there are going to be times where that isn't going to be an option for you. Maybe the thing that your partner wants or needs is something that you aren't actually able to fulfil or vice versa.

So for desires that cannot be matched within the relationship then consider other ways to fulfil them. This might include engaging friends, mentors or other relationships outside the romantic partnership. But ensure that any external fulfilment of needs respects the boundaries and commitments of the relationship particularly regarding exclusivity and fidelity.

So for example a healthy way to do this would be if you love intellectual debates and your partner doesn't you might join a book club or a discussion group to meet that need. It's about finding that healthy respectful way to ensure that both partners feel fulfilled. Whereas if you are in a committed monogamous relationship and you want more sex for example or more intimacy than your partner does then this does not give you the go-ahead to go outside of the relationship and seek it elsewhere whilst going against the boundaries and the commitments that you've made to the primary relationship.

One thing to consider in a relationship of all sorts whether we're dealing with the want match or any other element of how to be in a relationship is the reflection. It's the re-evaluation. It's noticing that you and your partner and the relationship evolve and change and really bringing some attention and awareness to the care of the relationship and the self-care of you as an individual.

So by regularly re-evaluating your want-match list as desires and circumstances change over time this ongoing communication helps maintain a healthy and balanced dynamic. Because life is dynamic and so are our needs and our wants and periodic check-ins can help ensure that you both remain on the same page. Additionally focus on self-care and growth.

Understand that some desires might stem from personal insecurities or needs for growth. Addressing these internally can reduce dependency on the partner for fulfilment. Personal development and self-awareness can greatly enhance the quality of your relationship.

Finally embrace flexibility and understanding. Recognise that not all desires will be met perfectly and that's okay. A successful relationship often involves balancing personal wants with realistic expectations and mutual respect.

Being flexible and understanding of each other's limitations can foster a deeper connection and appreciation for one another. It's about creating a partnership where both individuals feel seen, heard and valued. Even if not all wants perfectly align.

I want to thank you again for joining me today on this episode of the After The Affair podcast and I really hope that the want-match concept helps you and your partner find harmony in your relationship by understanding and aligning those desires. Remember no single person can fulfil all your needs and that's perfectly normal. It's about creating a balanced, respectful and loving partnership.

Before I wrap up I'd like to leave you with a question to reflect on. How can you and your partner better communicate and align your desires to create a more fulfilling relationship? Think about this question as you navigate it and consider how the want-match concept can bring you closer together. If you like the idea of want-match and want to try it in your own relationship then, as I mentioned earlier, please reach out.

Let me know. You can contact me on any of the social media platforms, Instagram, Facebook, the After The Affair community or you can email me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com and I'll ensure that you get a copy of that worksheet. Until next time and bearing in mind the next time is in fact episode 100.

Take care of yourself and I'll talk to you all next week.