96. Why Being Right Is Destroying Your Relationship

Winning your next argument is the most important thing, right? Join me, Luke Shillings, Relationship and Infidelity Recovery Coach, as I unpick the psychological and emotional reasons behind our desire to be right in arguments, especially in the aftermath of betrayal, which can lead to destroying your relationship.

I explore how this need can create a zero-sum game in relationships, leading to increased resentment and conflict. I share personal anecdotes and practical insights on how to move past this need, fostering better understanding and connection in relationships.

Key Takeaways:

The Universal Desire to Be Right:

• Exploring why being right feels so important.

• Understanding the deeper need for validation and self-worth.

The Emotional Underpinnings:

• How past experiences and insecurities drive the need to be right.

• My personal example from my workplace experiences.

The Zero-Sum Game:

• How arguments become about winning rather than resolving issues.

• The detrimental effects of this mindset on relationships.

Throwing Fuel on Each Other's Fire:

• An analogy to illustrate how arguments escalate.

• The importance of understanding and empathy in preventing conflict from intensifying.

Moving Past the Need to Be Right:

• Steps to cultivate self-awareness and reflect on the desire to win.

• Techniques for focusing on listening and validating your partner's perspective.

• Practicing empathy and collaborative problem-solving.

Personal Reflection:

• I share my own journey in overcoming the need to be right.

• How shifting focus from winning to understanding transformed my interactions.

💬 Reflection Questions:

How can you shift your focus from being right to truly understanding your partner’s perspective the next time a disagreement arises?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

 The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose. Following infidelity together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself. But also with others, whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go.

Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of the After the Airfare podcast. I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and today you are listening to episode number 90. Six, the need to be right. Oh, why do we find ourselves always wanting to win arguments, even when it creates a zero sum game? So let's explore and try and see if we can understand a little bit better what's driving this need and more importantly, how we can navigate it in a healthier and more constructive way.

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument, maybe with your partner or a close friend, and suddenly realized that the argument wasn't really about the issue at hand? Instead, it become more about proving a point about being right. I think we've all been there, but why is being right so important to us?

It's not just about winning. It's about something deeper. It's about validation, self-worth, and sometimes even survival instincts. When we argue, especially with those that we care about, it often feels like our identity or our integrity is on the line. It's as if winning the argument will somehow validate our perspective and by extension validate us.

So where does this drive come from? Well, it's often rooted in our past experiences. Maybe growing up you had to constantly defend your views to be heard or respected, or perhaps during a vulnerable time of your life. Being right felt like the only way to maintain a sense of control. These patterns can embed themselves deeply into your psyche.

For me, I noticed the need to be right in one of my previous jobs, it was particularly notable during stressful projects or meetings. I felt an overwhelming need to assert my ideas and prove that my approach was the correct one. There were instances where I was working on big projects with tight deadlines, and I had a clear vision of how things should be done.

I was convinced that my way was the best. So during meetings, I found myself pushing back hard against colleague suggestions, often even dismissing their ideas without fully considering them. I felt a constant urge to justify my decisions and defend my strategies almost as if my professional reputation depended on it.

Looking back, it was less about the project's success and more about my need for validation. I wanted to be seen as competent and knowledgeable, and I thought being right was the way to achieve that. It took a lot of self-reflection to understand that this behavior was coming from a place of insecurity and and a need for validation.

I realized that my insistence on being right was not only causing friction with my colleagues, but in many cases hindering our overall progress. I recognize this in steps over time, where I began to learn to step back and listen more and appreciate the value of other people's input in an argument, especially in relationships.

The need to be right often means there has to be a loser. And this can create an unhealthy dynamic where one person's win is the other person's loss over time. This erodes trust and intimacy, making the relationship more about competition than collaboration. Think about a recent argument that you've had with your partner.

Did winning the argument actually solve the problem, or did it just leave one of you feeling resentful? This is the zero sum game in action. We get so focused on being right that we lose sight of what really matters, understanding each other and finding that common ground. Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine a couple moving through the journey of their life and relationship, and along the way they encounter numerous obstacles. Each of these obstacles is hidden behind a door. Now to continue their journey, they need to walk through these doors and face whatever challenges actually lie behind them.

However, as soon as they reach the first door, disagreements begin. One partner believes the door should be opened in a certain way while the other things differently, and instead of collaborating to open the door and tackle the problem together. They're become engrossed, improving Their approach is the correct one.

They argue each trying to convince the other that their way is right. This focus on being right, blinds them to the real issue, the obstacle behind the door. They become so caught up in their argument that they never actually even open the door to face that challenge, and instead they retreat each holding onto their conviction of being right and harboring resentment towards the other for not conceding.

As they continue their journey, they encounter more doors, more obstacles. The pattern repeats itself. They argue about the approach. They fail to address the real problem and withdraw with even more resentment. And over time, this accumulated resentment builds to a point where overshadows their ability to even communicate and effectively work as a team.

Eventually the level of resentment becomes so high that it threatens the very foundation of their relationship. The unresolved challenges and the constant need to be, need to be right, create a barrier that prevents them from moving forward together. The future of their relationship comes into question, not because of the obstacles themselves.

But because they never learned to face them together, focusing instead on winning the argument rather than solving the problem. This analogy illustrates how the need to be right can completely derail a relationship. Often when people come to me, this is the stage that they are at. They have had this pattern of behavior that has existed throughout their relationship, at least to some level.

And the real issue isn't about who's right or wrong, but about facing the challenges together and then learning from them growing stronger as a team. By shifting the focus from winning arguments to working through problems collaboratively, couples can open those doors and they can tackle the obstacles behind them and continue their journey with a deeper connection and a completely new or renewed way of understanding each other.

Let's think about these arguments in another way. Picture an argument as two people standing with a fire between them. And each time one person tries to prove that they're right or dismisses the other's perspective. It's like throwing fuel onto the fire. The flames grow higher, hotter, more intense, and instead of addressing the underlying issue, both people become consumed by the blaze of the argument itself.

And when we insist on being right, we're not just defending our viewpoint, we're escalating the conflict. Each defensive remark or cutting comment adds more fuel, making it harder to see the original problems through the flames. This can lead to a cycle of rising tension and therefore the resentment where the goal shifts from resolving the issue to out arguing the other person.

It's crucial to approach disagreements with a focus on understanding rather than winning. By choosing to listen and empathize, we stop adding fuel to the fire and we start working together to extinguish it. It's about creating an environment where both partners feel safe to express their views without fear of being burned by the flames of the conflict itself.

So how do we move past this actual need to be right? It starts, of course, with self-awareness. Recognize when you are slipping into the mindset of needing to win, pause, ask yourself why. What are you hoping to achieve? Often just taking a moment to reflect can shift your perspective. Self-awareness is the foundation of changing any behavior.

When you feel the urge to argue or assert your correctness, take a step back. Ask yourself, why do I feel the need to be right in this situation? What am I trying to prove? This introspection can reveal underlying insecurities or fears driving your behavior. For example, you might realize that your need to be right stems from a fear of being perceived as incompetent or from past experiences where your opinions have been dismissed.

Understanding these root causes can really help you address them more constructively. In moments of conflict, pausing can be incredibly powerful. When you feel your emotions escalating, take a deep breath. Give yourself a moment to cool down. This pause allows you to collect your thoughts and approach the situation more calmly, and you can ask yourself, what am I hoping to achieve by winning this argument?

Is it more important to be right or to maintain harmony and understanding in my relationship? This moment of reflection can help you shift from a combative stance to a more collaborative mindset. Next try. Focus on listening rather than arguing. Truly hearing your partner's point of view can be incredibly validating for both of you.

When your partner feels heard, it can diffuse tension and open up a more constructive dialogue. Active listening involves giving your full attention, nodding and responding with empathy. Instead of interrupting, just to make your point, say something like, I understand that you feel this way because, can you tell me more about it?

This approach shows respect and a willingness to understand, which could help bridge the gap between differing perspectives, validation. Doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything your partner says, by the way, but it does mean that you're acknowledging their feelings and at least their perspective as legitimate.

You might say, I can see why you feel that way. It makes sense, but here's how I see it. This way. You create a dialogue rather than a debate. And finally, practice empathy. Remember that your partner is not your adversary. You are on the same team. The goal isn't to win the argument, but to find a solution that respects both of your perspectives.

Empathy involves putting yourself in your partner's shoes and trying to understand their feelings and motivations. And this can be challenging in the heat of the moment, but it's crucial for building strong, supportive relationships. When you shift your focus from winning to collaborating, you can ask open-ended questions like, how can we resolve this issue together?

Or, what can we both do to make things better? And this encourages a joint problem solving, and it reinforces the idea that your partners working towards a common goal. By focusing on collaboration, you turn conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. It's about building a relationship where both of you feel heard and valued.

When you approach conflicts with the intention of understanding and finding that common ground, you create a safe space for both partners to express themselves, and this leads to more meaningful and productive conversations moving past the need to be right. Also involves that individual personal growth.

It requires humility and the willingness to admit that sometimes you are wrong. Embrace those mistakes as opportunities to learn and to grow both individually and as a couple. And this mindset fosters a culture of continuous improvement and mutual respect in your relationship. Ultimately moving past the need to be right is about prioritizing the health and the harmony of your relationship over and above your ego.

It's a journey of self-awareness, empathy, and collaborative problem solving. And by focusing on understanding and valuing each other's perspectives, you can build a stronger, far more resilient relationship. At the end of the day, being right is less important than being connected. Letting go of the need to win can open up new ways of relating to each other that are based on mutual respect and understanding.

It's a journey of course, and it does take practice, but it's one that can transform the relationships for the better. And as I've mentioned before, I think it's worth noting that actually it only requires one person. To make a change for the dynamic of the relationship to completely change. If you are in a situation where you are in these constant states of conflict and you stop throwing fuel on the fire, then guess what?

The fire starts to ease. It might not be immediate, but it will start to ease because it's not having that additional fuel thrown on it, which then clears. The space for you and your partner to be able to start to look at the real problem in question and start to figure out how to move past it so it doesn't always require both of you to change.

Before we wrap up today's episode, I'd like to leave you with one question to reflect on how can you shift your focus from being right to truly understanding your partner's perspective? Next time a disagreement arises. Take some time to think about this and consider how it might change the dynamics of your relationship.

Thank you once again for joining me on the After The Affair podcast. If you would like to learn more, please visit my website, www.lifecoachluke.com. You can also contact me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com, or please come and join me on socials. Instagram's probably the best, which you can find me under the label or.

Tag my life Coach Luke, or one word, no spaces, no OnCourse. I can't wait to connect with you over there. Until next time, take care of yourself and have an amazing week, and I'll speak to you all very soon.