95. Healing from Betrayal Using Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with me, your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Healing from Betrayal Using Internal Family Systems (IFS)," I explore how the therapeutic approach of IFS can help both betrayed and unfaithful partners understand and heal from the pain of infidelity.

Join me as I delve into the concept of internal parts, how they influence our emotions and behaviours, and practical steps to foster self-compassion and personal growth.

Key Takeaways:

Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS):

• Understanding the basics of IFS and the concept of internal parts.

• The role of the Self in harmonising these parts.

The Betrayed Partner and IFS:

• Identifying parts like the Protector, the Exiled Part, and the Angry Part.

• Engaging with these parts to unburden and integrate them for healing.

The Unfaithful Partner and IFS:

• Identifying parts like the Exiled Part, the Impulsive Part, and the Guilty Part.

• Working with these parts to understand motivations and foster genuine change.

Practical Steps for Both Partners:

• Techniques to identify and engage with internal parts.

• Building a support network and fostering self-compassion.

Personal Reflection:

• I share my own experience with identifying and working with internal parts during my healing journey.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Which parts of yourself have you noticed emerging in response to betrayal, and how have they influenced your thoughts and behaviors?

Resources Mentioned:

• Books and Articles on IFS: Explore literature on Internal Family Systems for deeper understanding and practical guidance.

• Mindfulness Practices: Incorporate mindfulness techniques to stay grounded and manage stress.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Disclaimer: The content of this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always seek the guidance of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding IFS.

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. My name is Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 95. This is the podcast where we explore the complexities of healing from infidelity and as a relationship coach and infidelity recovery specialist today I want to explore a powerful therapeutic approach called Internal Family Systems or IFS and how it can be better used to understand and heal from the pain of betrayal.

Now I want to add a quick disclaimer to note that I am NOT an IFS trained practitioner or therapist. However the framework IFS offers I think is very very helpful when it comes to understanding the conflicting emotions and parts that we feel when healing from betrayal and these are elements that I do use within my own coaching practise to help people better understand that they are not one whole flawed human being for the decisions that they've made or because other people have betrayed them but instead made up of lots of inner single separate parts that make up who we are and we can feel these parts in pulls in different directions when we're given any given situation. So whether you're the betrayed partner or the unfaithful spouse join me today as we uncover how IFS can help navigate the intricate emotions and conflicts that arise from infidelity.

To start let's talk about what Internal Family Systems or IFS actually is. Developed by Dr. Richard Swartz, IFS is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as composed of multiple sub personalities or parts each with its own unique perspectives memories and roles. These parts are often in conflict with one another especially during times of stress or trauma like experiencing or committing infidelity.

The core idea of IFS is that everyone has a self that is calm compassionate and capable of healing. The self is the true essence of who we are and it has the ability to understand and harmonise our inner parts. By identifying and working with these parts we can address the underlying issues that contribute to our emotional pain and behaviours.

So how can IFS help in the context of betrayal? Both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner can benefit by gaining insight into their inner conflicts, understanding the motivations behind their actions and fostering self-compassion and forgiveness. So let's first consider the betrayed partner. When you discover that your partner has been unfaithful it's common to experience a whirlwind of emotions.

Anger, sadness, confusion and a profound sense of betrayal. These emotions often come from different parts of yourself each with its own perspective and needs. In IFS you might identify parts like the protector.

This part wants to shield you from further pain by keeping you vigilant and distrusting. It might manifest as hyper awareness of your partner's actions constantly looking for signs of further deceit. The protector believes that by being on high alert it can prevent you from being hurt again.

Then there's the exiled part. This part feels the deep wound of betrayal and carries feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. The exiled part often represents the vulnerable, hurt aspects of yourself that you have pushed away because they are too painful to face directly.

This part might lead you to believe that the betrayal happened because you are not good enough or you're not deserving of love. And then there's the angry part. This part expresses the intense anger and hurt that you feel towards your partner.

It might lash out both internally and externally as a way to vent the overwhelming feelings of betrayal and injustice. The angry part seeks to defend you and assert your value by confronting the perceived wrongdoer. By identifying and acknowledging these parts you can start to understand their roles and how they are trying to protect you, even if their methods are causing additional pain.

Once you've identified your parts the next step is to engage with them from yourself. The self is the calm, compassionate core of your being, capable of understanding and harmonising these internal conflicts. Engage with each part by approaching it with curiosity and compassion.

Instead of judging or trying to suppress these parts, listen to them. Ask questions like, what are you trying to protect me from? Or what do you need right now? And this approach helps you to understand their motivations and their intentions. Maybe you could have a conversation with them, actually literally dialogue with those parts.

For example, the protector might reveal that his vigilance is an attempt to prevent future portrayals and by acknowledging its intentions and reassuring that you're taking steps to safeguard your well-being, you can help this part to relax its grip. You might say, I understand that you want to keep me safe and I appreciate that and I'm working on ways to protect myself that don't require this constant vigilance. When engaging with the exiled part, you might find that it carries deep-seated feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy.

Approach this part with empathy and reassure it that the betrayal is not a reflection of its worth. You might say, I know you feel hurt and unworthy, but you are valuable and deserving of love regardless of what happened. Then when it comes to the angry part, we can channel it.

Acknowledge its feelings and find healthy ways to express this anger and you could say, your anger is valid and it's okay to feel this way. Let's find constructive ways to express this anger that help us heal rather than harm us further and it's in doing this that we integrate the parts and as you continue to dialogue with and understand your parts, working towards integrating them together, their positive intentions into a more harmonious whole. For instance, you can help the protectors desire to keep you safe.

The exiled parts vulnerability and the angry parts strength, without letting any one part dominate your emotions and actions. I often use a similar example in my own coaching practise. When we think of ourselves as the parent, so in this case the self, that is us, we're the ones with the cognitive ability, with the prefrontal cortex, we can make decisions, we can choose.

But we have children and our children have different personalities, they have different desires and different wants and needs and maybe you're trying to plan a day out, you're trying to plan somewhere to take the kids for the day and you make a suggestion and one child absolutely loves it, one's disinterested and one's absolutely furious that the others are getting their way. How would we communicate with our children when they've got these opposing viewpoints on the situation? How could we help them understand each other in a way that means that we can all get something, we're all aiming in the same direction. So let's take a look at a scenario.

Take Sarah, a betrayed partner, who discovered her husband's affair. She feels overwhelmed by the different emotions and doesn't know how to move forward. So let's start by identifying these parts.

Sarah notices that she's constantly checking her husband's phone and questioning his every move. This part is trying to prevent further hurt by being vigilant. This is Sarah's protector.

Deep down Sarah feels unworthy and blames herself for her husband's infidelity. She feels isolated and rejected. This is the part which is exiled.

Then Sarah finds herself lashing out in anger at her husband, expressing the deep hurt and betrayal that she feels. This, in Sarah's case, is the angry part. Sarah sits quietly and acknowledges her protector part.

She says, protector, I know you're trying to keep me safe by being vigilant. I appreciate your efforts but this constant checking is exhausting. Let's find healthier ways to protect ourselves.

This is the kind of dialogue that Sarah would have with the protector. Then she turns to her exiled part saying, I hear your pain and I understand that you feel unworthy but the betrayal is not a reflection of your value. You are deserving of love and respect.

Finally, Sarah addresses her angry part. Your anger is completely valid and it's okay to feel this way. Let's find constructive ways to express this anger like talking to a trusted friend or writing a journal rather than lashing out.

By consistently engaging with her parts, Sarah begins to feel more balanced. The protector learns to relax as Sarah implements healthy boundaries. The exiled part starts to feel more valued and integrated into Sarah's sense of self.

The angry part, it finds healthier outlets for expression, reducing the intensity of her outburst. By listening to these parts, you can start to unburden them, reducing their intensity and helping them to integrate into a more harmonious whole. This process not only alleviates the immediate emotional turmoil but it also fosters a deep understanding of yourself and your needs, paving a way for genuine healing and resilience.

Now let's turn the page and look at the unfaithful partner. Infidelity often stems from unresolved internal conflicts and unmet needs. Through IFS, the unfaithful partner could explore the parts of themselves that contributed to their actions and work towards healing.

They are also likely to feel the exiled part. This part might feel unloved, unworthy or neglected, seeking validation and connection outside of the primary relationship. The exiled part often harbours deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or loneliness, driving the need for external affirmation.

Then there's the impulsive part. This part might prioritise immediate gratification and avoid considering long-term consequences. The impulsive part seeks to satisfy immediate desires and urges, often ignoring the potential fallout.

Then there's the guilty part. This part feels immense guilt and shame over the betrayal, impacting self-esteem. The guilty part can be overwhelming, causing internal conflict and distress as it grapples with the consequences of the unfaithful's actions.

By identifying these parts and understanding their motivations, the unfaithful partner can begin to address the underlying issues that led to the infidelity. They could engage with each part by approaching it with curiosity and compassion, instead of judging or trying to suppress these parts. Listen to them.

Ask questions like, what were you trying to achieve? Or, what do you need to heal? This approach helps you to understand their motivations and their intentions. The exiled part might reveal feelings of loneliness or inadequacy that drove the need for external validation. Engage with this part by saying, I understand you felt neglected and sought connection elsewhere.

Let's work on finding healthier ways to feel valued and loved within our relationship and ourselves. The impulsive part might admit to seeking immediate pleasure without thinking of the consequences. This reminds me of the motivational triad, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

Approach this part by saying, I see that you were looking for that quick gratification. Let's find ways to balance your needs with a consideration for long-term impacts on our relationship and our well-being. We don't always have to get that quick fix.

Whatever that looks like right now, there are ways that we can invest in our intentional choices that can make things so much more fulfilling in the future. The guilty part carries the burden of shame and remorse. Engage with this part by acknowledging its feelings.

I know you feel immense guilt for what happened. It's important to recognise this and work towards making amends, both to our partner and to ourselves. Once you understand the roles and the needs of your parts, work towards unburdening them.

For the exile part, this might mean finding affirmations and self-love practises that build internal validation. For the impulsive part, it could involve developing strategies to manage urges and think through the consequences. For the guilty part, it might mean taking concrete steps to seek forgiveness and rebuild trust.

In my own journey of healing from betrayal, I identified several parts within myself, each with its own set of emotions, needs and protective mechanisms. And I'd like to share a little bit about what I discovered. So the protector in me, its role was, well it was fiercely protective first of all, and it was trying to shield me from further pain.

And it manifested as a kind of hyper-vigilance and offered a deep distrust of others, or at least other potential partners. You know, I really felt like I'd trusted my wife more than anybody than I'd ever trusted, in fact as much as I could possibly trust another person. So I was then immediately on guard, particularly against any potential future threats.

This brought up thoughts and feelings of, you know, I need to be careful and I can't trust anyone again. At least I can't fully trust anybody again. I then started double-checking everything, questioning everything, rereading old messages and trying to give them different meanings, maintaining emotional distance and doing everything I could really to avoid being hurt.

And then there's the exile part. The role in which this played, well it held deep wounds from the betrayal. I felt immense sadness and a sense of worthlessness.

It carried the burden of feeling inadequate and questioning my own self-worth. Like why wasn't I enough? What did I do wrong? And as a result of this I would retreat into isolation. In the months that followed I would often find myself wanting to just be alone, wanting to spend time alone, go out walk on my own, not want to talk to anybody when I saw them, really keep all conversation and communication to a minimum except with maybe just a very few few people.

But I certainly didn't spend time being out wanting to engage with friends and people in that moment. So I would avoid social interactions and arguably experiencing bouts of depression too, at least on some level. Then there's the angry part.

Well this part expressed the intense anger and frustration that I felt towards my ex-wife and to the affair partner and to the situation itself. It served to assert my value and stand up against the injustice of the betrayal itself. How could she do this to me? I don't deserve this.

How could he do this to me? What kind of friend am I? What kind of friend were they? This would lead me to lash out, although often in my own private space. Sometimes I'd get frustrated with work or the things I was doing. I'd find myself hitting the desk or throwing something down on the floor, slamming a door and experiencing these like short but intense anger outbursts.

Sometimes it was just a scream at the top of my voice. But I also felt this like constant sort of simmering rage beneath the surface like it was bubbling up. It was there for a while.

It did subside. I do recall it being there. Then there was also a rational part.

This part sought to make sense of the betrayal and for me this was quite a strong part. I was constantly analysing and rationalising the situation. I aimed to find logical explanations to cope with the emotional turmoil.

Sometimes potentially even dismissing or justifying things just to make it fit into nice neat little boxes and also to ease the emotional pain that I was experiencing. I genuinely believe if I could understand why this happened I could prevent it in the future. Like I had some kind of control over the other people in my life.

Of course I later came to understand a slightly different perspective of that but at the time that's certainly what I felt that I needed. It was like this one way of trying to gain some control. But of course this did lead to overthinking and maybe obsessively trying to seek information and trying to piece together all the details of the infidelity through again through sort of trying to go back over things and trying to log what happened when and okay maybe not to an excessive detail but enough to note that it probably wasn't that helpful in the moment.

Then there was the self-compassionate part and this part I would say gradually emerged as I sort of progressed in my healing. Reminding me to be kind and to be gentle with myself. It helped balance the harsh self-criticism and it also fostered a kind of a way to nurture a healthier attitude towards my recovery.

I acknowledged that it was okay to feel hurt and to know that it was also okay to be worthy of love and care not only from other people but also for myself. And this did change the behaviours which I started to engage in. I did start to look after myself.

I started to seek solace in friends and making connection with others and talking about things more, writing things down, journeying them, making like logical rational sense of my emotions, my experience rather than the technicalities of everything that led to that part. And as I identified these parts I then began to engage with them and really from that place of curiosity and understanding. Identifying and working with these parts was without doubt instrumental in my own healing journey and I also see it regularly in my clients.

It's important to remember that everybody's experience however is unique and the parts that you discover within yourself may be different. The key is to approach each part with compassion and curiosity. Create an environment where all parts can be heard and integrated.

Before we wrap up today's episode I'd like to leave you with a few questions to reflect on. Which parts of yourself have you noticed emerging in response to betrayal and how have they influenced your thoughts and your behaviours? Can you identify any protective parts that may be trying to shield you from further pain? How might you approach these parts with curiosity and compassion? And finally how might self-compassion play a role in your healing journey? What steps can you take to nurture this part of yourself? Take some time to think about these questions and consider how they apply to your own experience. Remember healing is a personal journey and reflecting on these aspects can help you gain deeper insights into yourself and your path to recovery.

So thank you once again for joining me today on the After The Affair podcast. I hope that by sharing my experience it helps you feel less alone and more empowered on your healing journey and remember that your healing is in your hands and you have the strength to navigate this path. So until next time take care of yourself and each other.

This has been After The Affair with Luke Shillings. For more resources, more support visit my website at lifecoachluke.com. If you are listening to this podcast on one of the major hours please like, follow, leave a comment, anything you can to help get it in front of more people it's really appreciated. If there's anybody you know that you think would benefit from listening to this podcast then please share it with them.

And most of all just remember that you're not alone and your journey to healing is a testament to your strength. So stay empowered. I'll speak to you all next time.