94. Lover vs. Provider: Exploring the Complexities of Infidelity

In this episode, I explain how individuals might be drawn to different partners for various reasons and how these dynamics can influence infidelity. Through multiple theoretical lenses, including sociocultural, psychological, feminist, economic, and humanistic perspectives, this episode offers a comprehensive understanding of why people might prioritize different aspects of relationships.

Key Takeaways:

• Introduction to the "Lover vs Provider" theory and its evolutionary roots.

• How the theory applies to both men and women, and the dual mating strategies involved.

• Examination of the theory through sociocultural, psychological, feminist, economic, and humanistic perspectives.

• The impact of personal history, attachment styles, and cultural influences on relationship dynamics.

• Practical insights for understanding and addressing infidelity within the context of these theoretical frameworks.

• Strategies for fostering open communication, addressing unmet needs, and rebuilding trust in relationships.

💬 Reflection Questions:

What needs or desires might I have prioritised in past relationships: security, passion, validation, freedom? How did those choices shape the outcome?

Resources Mentioned:

• Relationship coaching techniques for exploring underlying needs and desires.

• Tools for improving communication and connection in relationships.

• Blog post referenced: https://medium.com/@epiphanyaweek/what-women-want-3870466f9544

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 94.

This podcast is where we explore the complexities of relationships, infidelity and of course healing. So today's episode is based on an email I received from one of the After The Affair listeners. Hello Luke.

I'm an avid follower of your podcast. It's really the only infidelity based podcast that resonates with me. Your soothing voice combined with the factual information has helped me through some difficult times and for that I am greatly appreciative.

So first of all I love to receive messages and emails for people who that the podcast is helping. Not for the ego boost that it gives me which I would be lying if I said I didn't feel good about it but really about the knowledge that what I'm putting out there is actually helping people. It is yeah it's very rewarding so thank you.

Continuing with the email someone on one of the Reddit infidelity subs mentioned the lover versus provider theory and I was curious and after some searching I came across a blog post. While reading I had an aha moment thinking this might explain my wayward wife's actions. Just wondering what you might think about this and is it a possible subject for an upcoming podcast episode? Of course I happily obliged.

That's exactly what I'm doing now. So I replied quickly with firstly thank you for reaching out and an extra thank you for your kind words. I think the lover versus provider theory is a great topic for a podcast episode and I will do one.

When you say you had an aha moment, reference your wife's infidelity, what specifically was it that clicked for you? And he replied with our wayward wife had an 18 month physical affair before we were married 33 years ago. We split and then reconciled months later but we never did the hard work. We rug swept and started fresh which I now understand was a huge mistake as it left me with these unprocessed trauma.

Six months ago I discovered evidence, hundreds of messages and emails, of a four-year emotional affair that she swears ended a few years ago. After confronting her with this she promised not to hide or delete anything and then proceeded to do just that. Luckily I had made screenshots.

Needless to say this opened up old wounds regarding the physical affair that I am struggling to get past. Okay back to the present day, one of the things I struggle with is understanding the why. The man she had the physical affair with was older, married, tall, dark and handsome, quite the opposite of me.

She has admitted this was a full-blown love affair and she had at the time fallen out of love with me. So the questions, so why wouldn't she just break it off with me? Because I was the provider and he was the lover? It's an interesting point and an interesting topic. And then with reference to the blog post I'll give you a quick summary.

I'll also link it in the show notes that you're welcome to go and take a look yourself. But essentially the post delves into the lover versus provider dichotomy explaining the dual romantic desires of heterosexual women. So there is charm which is good genes, wit, confidence, physical attractiveness, status and then there is commitment which is resources, time and emotional support.

It argues that women seek men with good genes for their children's success and reliable partners for resource stability. It highlights that women's preferences shift with their menstrual cycles, favouring more masculine men near ovulation for their genes and less masculine men for their commitment to other times. And this duality can incentivise infidelity when a single man doesn't provide both.

The post also discusses how charm scales while commitment is finite, influencing societal norms towards monogamy or polygamy. Historically societies emphasising commitment were more monogamous while charm led societies leaned towards polygamy. The Industrial Revolution, welfare state and birth control pill reduced women's dependence on male commitment, sparking the sexual revolution.

The author also suggests that these shifts may disrupt traditional societal incentives where hard work and stability once secured familial commitment. The post concludes that by noting that a similar duality, hotness versus beauty, might also exist for men's preferences. Wow what an interesting topic.

Okay so let's get into it. I want to examine this theory through various lenses including evolutionary psychology, socio-cultural perspectives, psychological insights, feminist theory, economic viewpoints, humanistic psychology and some modern relationship dynamics. Infidelity is complicated and it has countless causes and motivations and to understand why some individuals might stray from their committed relationships we need to look at various theories and perspectives and one such theory that has garnered attention is the lover versus provider theory.

This theory offers a unique lens through which we can examine the different roles that partners might play in each other's lives and how these roles can influence betrayal. From personal experience there is something I thought that might be relevant. So whilst I was a younger guy in my teens I did not have much success with the women.

I had lots of female friends but I would definitely not have fallen into the category of player. I couldn't help but notice that many of the popular girls would often go for the more alpha guys, the guys that have this level of confidence although I have to say I perceived it as arrogance at the time but there was something about them where they maybe they were more sporty they were more physically attractive maybe they were taller but there's just something that exuded this alpha energy and of course what happened is that many of the girls would go for this and it would leave the remaining population of guys of which was the majority as there's usually very few alpha males in any given quantity of people it would leave these guys being either friend zoned or told that they were such a nice guy you're the nice guy Luke you know and it's funny it's like well if I was such a nice guy then why am I not with you that was often the thought that would go through my head in fact sometimes it was even said out loud but of course the nice guy is not exciting the nice guy is safe. So the question is is this an early stage or an early version of the lover versus provider playing out? So what exactly is the lover versus provider theory? Well at its core this theory suggests that individuals might be attracted to two different types of partners for two different reasons.

These partners are often categorised into two broad types lovers and providers so let's break these categories down to try and understand them a little better. First let's look at lovers. Lovers are typically seen as partners who are attractive, charismatic and exciting.

They might possess physical attributes, confidence or behaviours that are associated with high genetic quality or desirable traits from an evolutionary standpoint. Individuals may be drawn to lovers for short-term relationships or affairs because these partners offer strong genetic material which can be advantageous for offspring. On the other hand we have providers.

Providers are often seen as the partners who are stable, reliable and able to offer resources and support. They might not possess the same level of physical attractiveness or excitement as lovers but they provide security, stability and long-term benefits. Individuals might seek providers for long-term relationships or marriage because they offer a secure environment for raising children.

And from an evolutionary perspective the theory suggests that individuals might have developed dual mating strategies. For women this might involve seeking a lover for genetic benefits to pass on to their offspring and choosing a provider for the stability and resources necessary to raise those offspring successfully. For men on the other hand this might involve short-term strategies to maximise reproductive success and long-term strategies to ensure the survival and success of their offspring through resource provision and parental investment.

But the lover versus provider theory extends beyond evolutionary psychology and I'd like to explore how other theoretical frameworks can also shed light on this concept. From a socio-cultural perspective the distinction can be seen as a product of societal norms and expectations. Different cultures and societies do have varying definitions of what constitutes a desirable partner.

These can be influenced by historical, economic and social factors. For instance in some cultures financial stability and the ability to provide might be highly valued due to economic conditions, while in others romantic passion and personal compatibility might be the priority. Psychologically speaking this theory can be examined through individual differences and personality traits.

Some people might prioritise security and stability in relationships due to their attachment styles or even their personal experiences, whilst others might seek excitement and passion. The lover versus provider distinction could be tied to individual needs for security versus novelty which are often explored in relationship psychology. What about feminist theory? Because this can offer quite a critical perspective, suggesting the the lover versus provider model reflects traditional gender roles and power dynamics.

It could be argued that the distinction perpetuates stereotypes where men are seen as providers and women as nurturers or lovers. Feminist perspectives might seek to deconstruct these roles and promote more egalitarian views on relationships. In economic theory the lover versus provider concept can be examined through the lens of resource exchange and utility maximisation.

Partners might be viewed as making rational choices based on the costs and benefits of relationships where some might value emotional support and companionship, the lover, and others prioritise financial security and resources, provider. There is also a more humanistic perspective and in this case the focus would be on self actualisation and personal growth within relationships. Here the lover versus provider theory could be seen as part of the individual's journey towards fulfilling their own potential and finding meaning in their relationships, whether through passionate connections or stable partnerships.

In more general contemporary society the distinction is becoming less rigid as gender roles evolve and relationships become more diverse. Modern relationship dynamics recognise that individuals can embody both roles simultaneously and partnerships can in fact be fluid, adapting to the changing needs and circumstances of both partners. So how do these perspectives apply to modern relationships and infidelity? Understanding these various frameworks can provide a deeper more nuanced view of why individuals might engage in infidelity.

For instance, modern relationships are influenced by a variety of emotional, psychological, and social needs beyond the evolutionary drives. Infidelity can result from unmet emotional needs, personal dissatisfaction, or other factors not directly tied to these theoretical strategies. It's crucial to consider these factors when discussing the motivations behind infidelity.

There's a temptation to have a one-size-fits-all or a simple label that applies the reasons and motivations behind your partner's betrayal. At the end of the day people vary widely in their behaviours and their motivations. Not everyone fits neatly into the categories of lover and provider or short-term and long-term strategist.

Each individual's experiences and circumstances, they're unique and it's essential to approach the topic of infidelity with empathy and understanding. As a relationship coach myself I've seen the power of exploring the motivations behind infidelity with clients. Understanding theories like lover versus provider can provide a framework for these discussions but it's essential to balance this theoretical knowledge with a holistic approach to each client's unique context and experiences.

So how can we use this understanding in a practical, empathetic way when addressing betrayal? Well here's a few things to consider. Communication. Encouraging open and honest communication between partners.

Understanding each other's needs, desires, and concerns can really help address issues before they lead to betrayal. And then you can explore the unmet needs through that communication. Infidelity often stems from unmet needs, although not exclusively.

Whether those needs are emotional, physical, or psychological, exploring them can provide valuable insights into the underlying causes of infidelity. At this point you can address the emotional and psychological factors at play. Infidelity is rarely just about physical attraction.

It's essential to address the emotional psychological factors that contribute to a person's actions. This might include feelings of neglect, low self-esteem, or a desire for excitement and novelty. What about the social and cultural influences? Our social and cultural environment plays a significant role in shaping our behaviour.

Consider how those expectations, those cultural norms, and the personal beliefs might influence infidelity. Think about the upbringing we've had, maybe our religious background, potentially the roles that our parents have played, and how we've seen their relationships play out. How has that affected your perception of what is okay and not okay, and how to deal with these situations when they occur? Of course we are all different, we are all individual, and remembering that each person's motivations and experiences are unique is extremely important.

Avoid making broad generalisations and instead focus on understanding the individual specific situation. I can't emphasise this point enough. The main reason that we have conflict of any description is because we are not understanding the other person's perspective.

We're more bothered about trying to prove ourselves right or trying to prove to the other person that we are right, so much so that we don't even consider why they might see things differently. So please at least consider what it is that they might be thinking and why they might be thinking it. You'll be surprised what you might learn.

By integrating these points into your conversations we can offer a more comprehensive and empathetic approach to understanding and addressing the infidelity. It's about finding the balance between theoretical knowledge and practical personalised support. Getting back to the original listener email, as our correspondence continued he shared that when he first heard about the theory of lover versus provider he thought, oh great, more crackpot psychobabble that tries to explain a complex issue in a few words.

But after reading in depth he realised that it opened up a lot of very interesting lines of thought and hopefully I've been able to touch on many of those today. He also shared that he as a betrayed spouse mentally tortures himself trying to understand the why and for him the lover versus provider theory allowed him to say, yeah that makes sense, that's why she did what she did. And deep down he knows it's too simplistic to be the whole reason but it's enough to give his mind a brief moment of peace before getting on to the quote-unquote hard work.

I went on to say I completely understand your need for the why and I think that having something to leverage against can be really helpful. It's like being stuck in a hole. Having something that you can use to help you get out of the hole like a rope ladder or a yeah that makes sense aha moment is really useful.

But once you're at the top of the hole looking down the rope ladder becomes useless unless you plan on getting back in the hole which many people do because the success of the rope ladder felt so good. It creates a cycle of doom which is reinforced by your willing participation. I'm not sure if that metaphor necessarily resonates with all of you but the point is you use the right tool for the right job and it's okay to put that tool down and look for a new one to overcome your next challenge.

In conclusion the lover versus provider theory, while often associated with evolutionary psychology, is a versatile concept that can be examined through multiple theoretical frameworks. Each perspective offers unique insights into why individuals might prioritise different aspects of their relationships, highlighting the complexity and diversity of human romantic and partnership behaviours. I mean let's just think about this a minute.

If infidelity and betrayal was so simple and was so straightforward do you think you'd be listening to episode number 94 of the After the Affair podcast? Would there really be that much content to explore? Probably not. As we navigate the challenges of betrayal and the relationship dynamics that are involved, empathy and understanding are key. By fostering open communication, addressing those unmet needs and considering our individual differences we can help each other rebuild trust, heal and move forward.

So I hope that's been an interesting insight into the lover versus provider theory for you and might get you thinking about what role it is that you play. I would love to hear your feedback on how you think this has shown up or not in your relationship either most recent or previous. It's really interesting yet to get the perspective of other people because as we say or as I say that these situations, these stories are completely unique and completely nuanced and it's important that we try and get as wide a perspective as possible.

If you're not already a member of the After the Affair community then please I recommend you come and join the conversation over there. You can join it at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After the Affair community. Of course the links will be in the show notes.

If also you have been listening to this podcast for a while now and you realise that as much as you love the content and you are learning a lot about infidelity and what healing from infidelity looks like but you feel you need to take the extra step then the on-purpose coaching plans are absolutely perfect for you. That's literally what they are designed for. So if you'd like to find out more what it looks like to work with me one-to-one to help you get through your healing journey and your recovery from infidelity then please visit LifeCoachLuke.com or of course you can contact me directly at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com or on my social media profiles at my Life Coach Luke.

I'll speak to you all again very soon. Take care. Have a great week.