92. When Apologies Don't Cut It After Infidelity: Moving Beyond Dependency

Welcome to another insightful episode of 'After the Affair' with me, your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, I delve into a common struggle faced by many betrayed partners: the belief that their healing is tied to their spouse’s actions.

Whether it's waiting for an apology after infidelity, seeking explanations, or hoping for changes in behaviour, many feel stuck in a cycle of dependency. I explore why these beliefs take such a stronghold and how they can keep you trapped in a state of emotional limbo. More importantly, I provide actionable steps to shift your focus towards self-empowerment, allowing you to reclaim your power and take charge of your healing journey.

Key Takeaways:

The Illusion of Control:

• Understanding why we look to our spouse for answers and closure.

• Recognising the pitfalls of relying on external factors for healing.

• Why even sincere apologies and changes in behaviour might not lead to true healing.

Internal vs. External Validation:

• The importance of finding validation and strength within yourself.

• How external dependency can prolong pain and delay recovery.

Practical Steps to Self-Empowerment:

• Shifting focus from what your spouse does or doesn’t do to what you can control.

• Setting healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

• Cultivating self-compassion and recognising your own resilience.

Building a Supportive Network:

• Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.

• The role of friends, family, and professionals in your healing journey.

Engaging in Personal Growth and Mindfulness:

• Reconnecting with your passions and interests.

• Practising mindfulness to stay grounded and present.

Affirming Your Self-Worth:

• The power of positive affirmations in reinforcing self-belief.

• Embracing your journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

💬 Reflection Questions:

In what ways have I been tying my healing to my spouse’s actions, words, or behaviours? What am I waiting for that I believe will make me feel better: an apology, an explanation, or change?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm Luke Shillings your host and you're listening to episode number 92. The After The Affair podcast is really here to help us explore the intricate journey of healing from infidelity.

As a relationship coach and infidelity recovery specialist today I want to dive into a topic that many have shared with me just recently. The belief that your healing and recovery are tied directly to your spouse's actions. Statements like I can't move on until he tells me why he cheated or by her not doing what I need I'm going to be hurting like this forever.

These are common and incredibly powerful statements that I hear regularly or at least versions of. But what if I told you that the key to your healing isn't in their hands but in fact it's in yours? Stay with me as we unravel this together. When betrayal strikes it's natural to look to the person who hurt us for answers, for closure and even for healing.

The belief that we can't move forward until they provide what we think we need, be it an explanation, an apology or a change in behaviour is deeply ingrained. So let's start by understanding why this belief takes such a strong hold on us. After an affair is uncovered the immediate reaction is often one of shock and confusion.

We want to know why. We want to understand how someone we trusted could betray us so profoundly. The search for answers is a quest for meaning.

Our minds are wired to make sense of our experiences and when something as disruptive as infidelity occurs our need for comprehension becomes urgent. We believe that if we can just understand why our partner cheated we can find a way to rationalise the betrayal, to fit it into our worldview in a way that feels less chaotic. This need for an explanation is a coping mechanism, an attempt to restore a sense of control in a situation that feels utterly out of control.

Alongside our search for answers is the deep yearning for closure. We think if only they'd apologised sincerely I could find peace or if they truly understood the pain that they've caused I can begin to heal. Closure is often seen as a necessary step before we can move forward.

It's the idea that there's a door in our minds that needs to be closed properly for us to feel settled and at peace. But what happens when we don't get that closure? What if the explanation doesn't come or the apology itself feels insufficient? We remain in a state of limbo, constantly waiting for that external act that will finally allow us to move on. This can trap us in a cycle of waiting and hoping which prolongs our pain and delays our healing.

Then there's the hope that our spouse will change, that they will show us through their actions that they are truly sorry and committed to making things right. We believe that their change can somehow validate our worth and repair the damage that's been done. This belief can manifest in thoughts like if they've proved their love to me I can heal or their efforts to change will fix what's broken in our relationship.

Relying on someone else's actions for our healing places us in a very precarious position. It means that our emotional well-being is completely dependent and contingent on their behaviour which can be unpredictable and obviously outside of our control. This external dependency can keep us feeling powerless and stuck in our own pain.

Now let's talk about control or more accurately the illusion of control. When we believe that our emotional recovery hinges on someone else's actions we're essentially giving away our power. We're waiting on them to say or do something that will just magically make us feel better.

But here's the hard truth, even if they provide the answers or make the changes that we ask for it doesn't guarantee our healing. The concept of control is deeply rooted in our desire for stability and predictability. When infidelity shatters our world it disrupts the sense of order that we once had.

We often think if only they could do this or say that everything will make sense again and this belief gives us a false sense of control over our emotional recovery. This is a complete illusion because we cannot control others actions or their willingness to meet our expectations. When we place our emotional well-being in the hands of someone else we set ourselves up for a continuous cycle of disappointment and frustration.

This dependency keeps us in a vulnerable state, perpetually waiting for external factors to align with our needs for healing. Imagine this scenario, you believe that your healing is contingent upon your spouse's apology. You think if they just apologise sincerely I can start to feel better.

But what if that apology never comes? Or what if it comes but doesn't feel genuine? You're still left in that state of limbo, your healing is stalled by their actions or in some cases lack thereof. And this is the pitfall of external dependency. It keeps us tethered to the actions of somebody else, making our emotional recovery conditional.

This not only delays our healing but it also strips us of the power to take charge of our own journey. When we rely on others to fix us we remain in a perpetual state of helplessness. The hard truth is that healing from betrayal is an internal process.

It's a journey that each of us must undertake on our own terms. Even if your spouse provides the answers or makes the changes that you seek, it doesn't necessarily resolve the deep-seated pain and trust issues that you face. True healing comes from within, from how we choose to process our emotions, rebuild our trust in ourselves and reclaim our sense of security.

Healing is about more than just understanding why the betrayal happened or seeing changes in our spouse's behaviour. It's about how you respond to your pain, how you find ways to rebuild your life and your sense of self-worth. It's about learning to trust your own judgement again and finding strength within yourself to move forward.

So how do we shift from this place of dependency to one of self-empowerment? It begins with a simple but really quite obvious realisation that you have the power to heal, irrespective of what your spouse does or doesn't do. This doesn't mean that their actions don't matter or that you shouldn't seek explanations or apologies. It means that your healing doesn't have to be dependent on these things.

The first step towards self-empowerment is recognising your own strength and your own resilience. Often in the wake of betrayal we feel weakened and diminished but the very fact that you are listening to this podcast seeking ways to heal shows a tremendous amount of strength. Acknowledge this.

Take a moment to reflect on your journey so far and the courage it takes to face your pain and seek healing. Consider the challenges that you faced in the past and how you've overcome them. What qualities did you draw upon? Was it your determination, your ability to adapt, your inner wisdom? These qualities are still within you and they are your tools for navigating this current challenge as well.

Next it's essential to shift your focus onto what you can control. In the aftermath of infidelity it's easy to become fixated on your spouse's actions, what they did, what they should do and how they can make things right. But focussing on what you can control helps you regain a sense of agency and stability.

Ask yourself, what can I do today to support my own healing? This might be as simple as practising self-care, setting boundaries or seeking support from a trusted friend. When you focus on actions within your control you empower yourself to take steps forward, no matter how small they may seem. Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-empowerment.

Boundaries protect your emotional well-being and help you create a safe space for healing. Think about what you need in terms of communication, space and interaction with your partner. It's okay to limit contact if it helps you heal or to ask for specific forms of support that align with your needs.

Establishing boundaries isn't about shutting others out but about creating a structure that supports your healing. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. Remember it's your right to protect your peace and emotional health.

Self-compassion is another key to shifting towards self-empowerment. Often after betrayal we can be harsh on ourselves, questioning our worth or blaming ourselves for what happened. Practising self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend in a similar situation.

Start by acknowledging your feelings without judgement. It's okay to feel hurt, to feel angry or confused. Validate your emotions and remind yourself that it's normal to have these reactions.

Self-compassion also means giving yourself permission. Permission to take time, the time you need to heal and to prioritise your needs without guilt. Building a support network is also vital in your journey.

Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. This can be friends, family, support groups or even professionals who really understand what it is that you're going through. A strong support network provides not just emotional support but also different perspectives and insights that can help you see your situation in new ways.

They can offer encouragement when you're feeling down and celebrate your progress with you. Remember seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a step towards empowerment. Another powerful way to shift your focus is by engaging in personal growth.

Use this time to reconnect with your passions and your interests. Pursue activities that bring you joy and fulfilment, anything that creates a sense of accomplishment. This could be anything from learning a new skill, immersing yourself in a hobby or exploring new opportunities in your personal or professional life.

Personal growth helps you rebuild your sense of self outside the context of your relationship. It reminds you that you are a whole, capable individual with the power to create a meaningful and fulfilling life, regardless of the betrayal that you've experienced. Mindfulness is also a practise that greatly aid in shifting towards self-empowerment.

It involves being fully present in the moment, observing your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. Mindfulness helps you stay grounded and reduces the tendency to ruminate on past events or worry about the future. Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine through practises like meditation, deep breathing or simply just taking a few moments each day to be present and mindful of your surroundings.

We spend all of our time in the past and in the future but what if we were to just pause and just take note of what we've got going on literally right this very moment. As you're sat there, what can you see? What can you hear? What can you feel? Just take that brain's focus away from all of the things that it wished it could change in the past and all the things that it anticipates and worries about in the future and just pay some attention to the present moment. Finally, affirm your self-worth regularly.

Remind yourself that you are deserving of love, respect and happiness. Affirmations can be powerful tools for reinforcing positive beliefs about yourself. Create a list if it helps that resonate with you and repeat them daily.

Statements like I am strong or I deserve to heal and I'm in control of my own happiness can help shift your mindset towards a more empowering perspective on your healing journey. Sometimes it's a case of writing a few things down, leaving post-it notes around the house. Maybe you have a screensaver on your computer that just anything that's just gives you that sense that you are more than you are currently telling yourself that you are.

So shifting that focus towards self-empowerment is really all about reclaiming what you have control of and taking charge of your healing journey. It's about realising that while you cannot control your spouse's behaviour, you have the agency to shape your own path to recovery. Embrace your inner strength, nurture your well-being and trust in your ability to heal and to thrive.

And as you move forward, remember that healing is not a linear process. There will be ups and there will be downs and that's absolutely okay. Be patient with yourself and stay committed to your journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

You have the power within you to heal and to build a life filled with peace and fulfilment. Healing from infidelity is one of the hardest journeys you might ever face. But remember, it's a journey of self-discovery.

By shifting your focus from dependency on your spouse to nurturing your own inner strength, you reclaim your power and open the door to true healing. Take a moment now, wherever you are, just to acknowledge your courage and resilience. You have the ability to heal and create a fulfilling life, regardless of what has happened.

It starts with believing in yourself and taking that first step towards it. Thank you for joining me today on the After The Affair podcast. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with others that you think might benefit.

And as always, I'm here to support you on your journey. Until next time, take care of yourself and remember, your healing is in your hands. This has been the After The Affair with Luke Shillings.

For more resources and support, please visit my website, lifecoachluke.com or you can always contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com. If you are more of a social media follower, then please come and join me over on Instagram or Facebook. You'll find me under the tag My Life Coach Luke. And you can also be part of the After The Affair community, the Facebook group which I also host.

You can find that simply by searching After The Affair with Luke Shillings on Facebook. Obviously, I will pop the links in the bio. You are not alone and your journey to healing is a testament to your strength.

So stay strong. I'll speak to you all next time.