91. What Are Your Beliefs Costing You?

In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me, your host Luke Shillings, as I discover how limiting beliefs can keep you stuck in negative patterns and how shifting your mindset can open up new possibilities for growth and recovery.

Whether it’s about self-worth, trust, or what you think you deserve in love, your beliefs shape your reality in powerful ways. Learn practical steps to challenge and change these beliefs to create a more empowered and fulfilling life.

Key Takeaways:

• The definition and power of beliefs.

• How limiting beliefs hold us back and affect our relationships.

• The cost of maintaining limiting beliefs and their impact on our mental and emotional health.

• Strategies for transforming beliefs, including cognitive restructuring and mindfulness.

• Real-life stories of individuals who changed their beliefs and transformed their lives.

• Practical steps to identify, question, and replace limiting beliefs.

💬 Reflection Question:

What are some of the beliefs I hold about myself or relationships that might be keeping me stuck?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello, welcome back. It's the After The Affair podcast.

I'm your host Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 91. Have you ever wondered how the beliefs you hold shape your life? How they influence not just your day-to-day experiences but your ability to heal and to grow especially after something as tough as betrayal? In this episode I want to dive into that together. We'll explore how beliefs, those deep-seated thoughts and convictions can either hold us back or propel us forward.

So let's dig in and see what your beliefs might be costing you and how we can turn that around. Have you ever stopped to think about the silent rules that guide your life? The beliefs that you hold about yourself, others and the world around you? These beliefs are like unseen scripts that dictate our actions and our reactions but what if some of those beliefs are actually keeping you from moving forward? What if they are costing you more than you realise? Imagine just for a moment that you're carrying around an invisible backpack filled with rocks and each rock represents a belief that you've picked up over the years. Some rocks are helpful giving you stability and strength but others are just weighing you down, making every step harder than it needs to be.

Now what if you could open that backpack and take a good look at each individual rock and decide which ones you wanted to keep and which ones you wanted to just throw away? I want to uncover how our beliefs can either chain us to our past or free us to create a new future. We'll talk about the beliefs that might be silently sabotaging your happiness and success and more importantly we'll explore how you can start to shift those beliefs, lighten that load and move forward with more freedom and more confidence. Whether it's the belief that you're not good enough, that you can't trust anyone ever again or that you don't deserve love, these thoughts can deeply impact and affect your life but remember beliefs are not facts, they're ideas, they are thoughts and they can be questioned and they can be changed.

In fact thoughts are optional. So by the end of this conversation I'm hoping that you'll have a better understanding of how to identify some of your own limiting beliefs and take some actionable steps to transform them. So stay with me because this conversation could be the key to unlocking a new chapter in your healing journey.

Let's start with understanding what beliefs are. Beliefs are convictions or acceptance that certain things are true or real. They're formed through our life experiences, our culture, our upbringing and our personal reflections.

I like to think of beliefs as being formed by the thoughts that we have and when we think those thoughts over and over again, bearing in mind that much of our thinking comes from our experience and and our upbringing and the things that we've seen in society and our personal relationships, when we repeatedly think those thoughts eventually they become like the truth to us, they become almost factual to us and and they sort of set themselves within ourselves and form beliefs. These beliefs shape our perceptions, our decisions and ultimately our reality. They influence how we interpret events and how we see ourselves, also how we interact with other people and every time we give meaning to a situation or event we do so through our thoughts.

When we continually reinforce these thoughts over time they gradually become beliefs. It's at this point that we stop questioning them and we simply consider them as is. So just take a moment to consider what are some of the core beliefs you hold about yourself.

Perhaps you believe that you're resilient and capable or maybe you carry a belief that you're not worthy of love. Each of these beliefs carries a different weight and sets a different tone for your life. It creates a different feeling, a different emotion, which leads to different behaviours.

Let's maybe shift a bit and talk about how the limiting beliefs actually hold us back though. These are some of the deep-seated ideas that tell us about what we can or what we cannot do and often without us even realising it, they operate like an internal script, subtly influencing our thoughts, our emotions and our actions every single day. These beliefs are usually formed from past experiences like we've spoken about and especially those that were painful or challenging and they can be particularly potent after something as traumatic as betrayal.

Imagine you've gone through an experience of infidelity, in fact you probably won't have to imagine that, but it's a devastating blow that shakes you to your very core and in the aftermath you might start to develop beliefs like I can never trust anyone again, I'm not good enough or I'll never be happy, why was I so stupid? These are classic examples of limiting beliefs. They stem from the intense emotional pain of the betrayal and become ingrained as truths in our mind. Here's the tricky part, limiting beliefs are often invisible.

We don't usually question them because they feel like they're just part of who we are, but these beliefs can create significant barriers in our lives. They can keep us stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and prevent us from taking actions that could lead to growth and healing. For instance, the belief I can never trust anyone again might lead you to put up certain emotional walls and whilst these walls are meant to protect you from future hurt, they also block out the possibility of any further deep meaningful connections either with your existing partner or in future relationships.

Over time this can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation and even if on the surface you seem to be functioning just fine. Another common limiting belief is I'm not good enough. I hear this all the time from my clients.

This belief can pervade every area of your life, from your career to your personal relationships. It might cause you to shy away from opportunities, settle for less than you deserve, or sabotage your own success. You might find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others, always coming up short in your own eyes and of course if you're coming up short in your own eyes then you're assuming that other people are thinking the same too.

Limiting beliefs can also create a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that I'll never be happy, you might unconsciously make choices that prevent you from experiencing that joy. If we think back to the early episodes, I think episode 20, How to Solve Any Problem, where I I deliver the basics of the self-coaching model.

The thoughts that we have create our feelings and those feelings drive our actions and of course everything that we do, our actions, our behaviours, well they lead to actually what we get. So if we believe that we'll never be happy, then we're certainly not going to feel happy. We're going to feel some other emotion.

And when we have that negative emotion, it's going to lead to actions that definitely do not lead us towards happiness. They're going to lead us away from it. So simply by having the belief of I will never be happy, will actually ensure that you probably will not be happy, at least in the short term.

But of course it doesn't have to be that way forever. And it's this thinking that keeps you trapped in a loop where your belief continually reinforces itself. In the context of relationships, these beliefs can be particularly damaging.

If you hold the belief that I don't deserve love, you might find yourself pushing away partners who genuinely care for you or choosing those who affirm this belief by treating you poorly. You might stay in unhealthy relationships because deep down you don't believe you deserve better. One of the most insidious things about limiting beliefs is how they shape our reactions to everyday situations.

They filter our experiences and interpret events in ways that confirm our pre-existing narratives. If you believe people can't be trusted, you'll likely interpret ambiguous actions as signs of betrayal or deceit, even when there's actually no real evidence to support that. These beliefs are like the lens through which we view the world, and they can distort our perceptions in ways that keep us stuck.

They can make us react defensively, expect the worst and see threats where there just aren't any. They limit our potential by keeping us in a state of fear and self-doubt. So the first step in overcoming these limiting beliefs is to just become aware of them.

This means tuning into your inner dialogue and noticing the patterns in your thinking. This is why thought downloads are so powerful. We'll actually be able to get those thoughts out on paper where we can see them.

We separate ourselves from them. And then of course you can ask yourself, well what stories am I telling myself about who I am and what I'm capable of? Write these beliefs down. And don't be afraid to dig deep.

Sometimes the most limiting beliefs are the ones that are hardest to acknowledge. Now for some people, writing alone and being in this internal dialogue is too difficult and they need support. So that's maybe a time where you can reach out to someone who can help you with that.

Be that be a close trusted friend or a professional who can help you unpick the thoughts that you have in your mind without any judgement. And that space is just held there for you and your thinking to be able to explore what's really going on at the bottom. Once you've identified these beliefs, the next step is to question their validity.

Are these beliefs based on facts or fears? Are they reflections of your true self or just echoes of past hurts? Challenge these beliefs by looking for evidence that contradicts them. For example, if you believe I can never trust anyone, reflect on moments when people have been trustworthy. If you think I'm not good enough, remember your achievements and the qualities that make you valuable.

Transforming limiting beliefs isn't about ignoring the past or pretending everything is perfect. It's about recognising that these beliefs were formed in response to difficult experiences, but they don't have to define your future. It's about giving yourself permission to rewrite your story with a perspective that empowers and uplifts you.

By doing this work, you can start to free yourself from the chains of limiting beliefs and open up to new possibilities. You can move forward with more confidence, resilience and a greater sense of what you truly deserve. Remember beliefs are powerful, but they're also changeable.

You have the power to reshape your reality by changing the way you think about yourself and the world. Now let me just caveat there that this doesn't mean you have to change anything. It's just that you now can recognise that there is an option, that the choice does exist.

So what is the cost of limiting beliefs? I mean they cost us in many ways. They can keep us in a cycle of negative thinking. They can affect our mental and emotional health and restrict our ability to grow and move on.

They influence how we handle challenges and setbacks. For example, if you believe you're not capable of overcoming obstacles, then you might give up easily and or not even try in the first place. In relationships, these beliefs can create barriers to intimacy and trust.

If you believe you're not worthy of love, you might settle for less than you deserve or push away those who actually care about you. This is why it's crucial to recognise and address these beliefs. They can dictate the quality of your life and your relationships.

Now the good news is that beliefs aren't set in stone. They can be changed and transforming your belief starts with awareness and questioning. When you identify a limiting belief, challenge it.

Ask yourself, is this really true? What evidence do I have that contradicts this belief and what evidence do I have that supports it? Replacing a limiting belief with a more empowering one can open you up to completely new possibilities. Instead of believing I can't trust anyone, you might start to adopt the belief I can learn to trust again and with time and with the right support. This shift doesn't happen overnight but with consistent effort and self-reflection, it's absolutely possible.

One powerful method for changing beliefs is cognitive restructuring, a technique which is used in the ever-popular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. It involves identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with more positive ones, or arguably more realistic ones. Another approach is just mindfulness in general which helps you become more aware of your thoughts and more detached from them, reducing their impact on your emotional state.

So let's look at some real-life examples. I've worked with clients who, after experiencing betrayal, believed that they were broken beyond repair and this belief kept them stuck in pain and unable to move forward. But through coaching and self-reflection, they started to see their resilience and their capacity for growth.

They transformed their belief of I'm broken to I'm healing and becoming stronger and this shift allowed them to open up to new possibilities and to rebuild their lives. I mean let's think about this a minute. If you're telling yourself that you're broken, how would that feel? What emotion comes up for you when you think that sentence, I'm broken? And when you feel like that, what do you do? How do you show up? What impact is it having on you? What impact is it having on your relationship? Now let's flip that.

Let's consider the thought, I'm healing and becoming stronger. How does that feel? Does it feel better? The same? Worse? And with that feeling, what does that do for you? How do you show up then? How does the way that you present yourself, how does the way that you behave, you react, you communicate with your partner, how does that change when you swap those two thoughts around? This really does open up that possibility for change. Another client believed that they were unloveable after their partner's infidelity but by challenging this belief and recognising the love and support they had in other areas of their life, they began to see themselves as worthy of love and capable of forming healthy fulfilling relationships again.

You see, we are all lovable and it actually comes down to the other person's capacity to see that love and we know this because if there's somebody that you care deeply about, somebody that you find lovable, then if they were objectively lovable then surely everybody would see them that way. Everybody would think of them as equally lovable but of course they don't because we're all making that independent judgement. So that person's lovability is not tied with all of the other people.

It can't be because every single person sees it differently. So the lovability can only exist within the individual and once my client recognised that their lovability wasn't dependent on how their partner treated them and what they said and how often they said I love you, no matter how much they thought that that would make them happy, that in itself wasn't their measure of love. And once they started to look inwards to recognise how lovable they were as an individual, how valuable they were, how worthy they were, then it completely freed the dependency that they've been putting on their partner to feel loved.

An emotion, if we can agree, is coming from our thinking then we are responsible for creating our own feelings. So if we want to feel loved then we have loving thoughts. We feel love towards ourselves.

We feel love towards the people around us and we're the only person responsible for creating that emotion. So it's always an option for us. Okay let's look at some actual practical steps on how to challenge and begin to change some of your beliefs.

Let's start by identifying your beliefs. Reflect on your thoughts and recognise the belief that you may feel responsible for your partner's infidelity, thinking it was due to you not being good enough. And then we can question that belief's validity and challenge this belief by considering whether it's based on concrete facts or merely assumptions.

Gather evidence showing that infidelity often stems from the cheater's issues and not the worthiness of the betrayed partner. Then you can consider replacing with empowering beliefs. Choose to believe that infidelity is a reflection of the cheater's choices and actions and not your own worth.

Embrace the empowering belief that you are worthy of love and respect regardless of the other person's behaviour. You can also practise positive affirmations. Use something like I am enough just as I am or my value is not determined by others.

Repeat these affirmations daily if it helps and you can reshape your self-perception and reinforce your new empowering beliefs. Some people like to have these little notes written around the house, post-it notes on the fridge or maybe something that comes up on your phone or on your computer when you turn it on, just to remind you because it's so easy to forget and slip back into old habits. Of course there's always the option to seek support.

Reach out to a coach like myself, a therapist or a trusted friend who can provide a balanced perspective, helping you understand that your partner's betrayal is not a reflection of your self-worth. It's important as well to stay patient and also to be persistent. Understand that changing deeply ingrained beliefs takes time and it takes effort but be patient with yourself and continue practising these steps consistently, trusting that your new beliefs will become stronger over time.

This is not about having the belief or not having the belief. It's about getting on that journey where you are learning to change how you think and see and feel about certain situations and like I've mentioned before you don't have to change your thinking. It's just a question of is that thinking leading to outcomes that you want? Is that creating emotions and feelings that you desire or is it something that feels terrible, unwanted, unpleasant, uncomfortable and is it creating things that are actually pushing you further away from what you truly want in yourself and in your relationships.

Beliefs are powerful forces that shape our lives. By becoming aware of the beliefs that no longer serve us and taking steps to change them we can free ourselves from their constraints and open up to new possibilities. Remember you have the power to rewrite your story and create a future that aligns with your true potential.

I want to thank you again for joining me on this exploration of beliefs and their impact. If you found this episode insightful please share it with somebody who might benefit. As always I'm here for your questions and your stories.

Reach out anytime. You can contact me at luke at lifecoachluke.com. I would highly encourage if you haven't already to join the After The Affair community at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community or you can click the link in the bio. This has been the After The Affair podcast.

I am Luke Shillings signing off. Until next time take care and keep moving forward.