9. Rebuild Trust

After the devastation of betrayal, trust can feel like a foreign concept: something you once gave freely but now hold close and guarded. Whether you’ve chosen to stay and work through the relationship or are navigating life on your own, the question remains: "How can I ever trust again?" In this episode, I explore how trust isn’t something we get from someone else, but something we believe about them.

Through relatable metaphors and thought-provoking insights, you’ll learn how your brain seeks to confirm what you already believe, whether that’s “they’re not trustworthy” or “I can trust again.” This episode offers practical steps for both the betrayed and unfaithful partners to move from suspicion and fear to emotional clarity and connection.

Key Takeaways:

• Learn why trust is not an external gift but a thought we hold about others.

• Discover how your brain's filtering system can reinforce distrust or rebuild faith.

• Get practical tools to start shifting focus from betrayal to signs of trustworthiness.

• Understand the unfaithful partner’s role in rebuilding a safe, honest connection.

• Explore how self-trust must be restored before we can trust others again.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you started noticing signs, however small, that trust might be rebuildable? What would it take for you to begin believing in that possibility again?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. And welcome to episode number nine of the After the Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. These episodes are just flying by and I'm just so grateful to have the opportunity to be able to talk to you and and hopefully help you in your journey of recovery or wherever you are in your relationship.

Of course it's my goal to really try and get this podcast and the information that I provide and the free content that I create to as many people as I possibly can who can benefit from it. One of the ways that I can do that is by receiving reviews and ratings on the podcast apps. So if you have listened to my podcasts, enjoyed them, found them useful and they've helped you in some way then and you haven't done already I would be extremely grateful if you could after you've listened to this to go and leave a review on the podcast app that you use.

It really makes a difference and helps get it in front of as many people as possible so thank you in advance. So today we're going to be talking about trust. Trust after infidelity.

Well you know this is something I think that we all have to really battle with in our journey to recover after we've been betrayed and of course it doesn't just apply to infidelity. It can be many things, many types of relationships, personal ones, familial ones and sometimes work-related, colleagues, friends etc. So what exactly do I define as trust? Well there's a dictionary definition but I think for the context of infidelity my interpretation is trust is one person's expectation that another person will behave in a consistent and predictable manner.

It means that we're trying to hedge our bets that if we put our trust in this person they will do what we think they will do. Now there's a big difference between an expectation and a hope. So an expectation means that if they don't do that thing then we feel pretty crap about it.

Whereas if there's hope then it would be great if it happens and it would be great if it did come to fruition but if it doesn't that's okay too. Now in a relationship the standard is that all relationships are built on trust. At least that's what we hear and I'm not actually arguing that.

I think trust is an extremely important foundation in any relationship and of course when that trust is broken it can take a lot of work to try and rebuild that. It really feels like you've had your socks knocked off so to speak and not in the good way. It can really force you to look at life in a completely different way.

The way that you look at the past is different. Your present might now be so painful that simply getting out of bed is a challenge. Your future seems bleak and uncertain.

You may struggle to look at your partner in the same way and you're perhaps even questioning who you are. Your trust has been completely destroyed. So before we step into rebuilding trust or what rebuilding trust might look like let's establish what it is that we've really lost.

So there is this concept that we are trusting in the other person like they hold the power. They're the ones that are providing the trust. They're making deposits of trust.

You know different things they say and more importantly different things that they do and then we're judging whether that person is trustworthy or not. But of course trust really comes from our thoughts about that person. Do I trust that person? Now you may be uncertain and there's part of you that wants to say yes because at the end of the day you probably did trust this person.

In fact more than you trusted any other person for most of your life and for a big chunk of your relationship that trust was solid almost to the point where you hadn't even considered that it could be broken. Now of course in hindsight it's easy to think well of course it could have been broken. I mean anything can be broken.

So let's now imagine that we have two pots. Let's imagine you're holding a pot in each hand. One is for all of the thoughts that this person isn't trustworthy.

I don't trust this person. I don't trust my partner. I can't trust my partner.

How can I trust them again? If they betrayed my trust on this topic then what other things have they been hiding from me? What other things have they been lying about? And then in the other pot we want to look at all the thoughts as to why you could trust this person. What is there that is trustworthy about these people now? Of course in the early stages after discovery, after D-Day or actually after any point after infidelity, if this work hasn't been done then the pot with distrust is going to be much fuller than the pot with trust. Okay so why does this matter? It's very easy to think that this is all on the unfaithful partner.

It's on them to reset that balance. And of course there definitely are plenty of things that really are on the onus of the unfaithful partner if they want this relationship to work and if they want to help the betrayed rebuild trust in them of course. And that definitely has to happen.

And there are also some steps that they can take which will help this as well which I'll look at as well. But more importantly given that usually it's the betrayed partner that's having to at least you know they feel that they're the one having to do all the rebuilding of the trust that they're having to do all the work in terms of you know they're the ones that are putting themselves on the line, they're laying themselves bare and of course they're going to find that difficult. They're probably going to be very closed up, very protective, not very willing and the walls are going to be up solid.

You know once bitten twice shy and all that. I want to suggest however that whatever we think we tend to seek evidence to support. So let's imagine that the main thought you're thinking is my partner is not trustworthy and what our brain tends to do it seeks all the evidence to support that belief is true.

Now I did a workshop this last weekend which I mentioned on last week's episode and we were discussing the topic of the reticular activating system. So for anybody who didn't get to the workshop, which I highly recommend and it's something that you'd still like to see, then reach out to me reference episode 9 and if you act quick I will send you a replay. Just look at any of the contact details in the show notes.

We also discuss a variety of other things as well on the on the call. But in particular we're talking about the reticular activating system and this concept that the brain is always seeking things that it believes. The problem is it blocks out all of the things that it doesn't.

So it tends to filter out all of the things that you can't see. So try this. Assuming you are not driving or operating heavy machinery, sit still just for a minute and pay attention.

Be quiet. What can you hear? Perhaps you might be able to hear a bit of wind outside or maybe you can hear the buzzing of your computer fans. Can you hear some footsteps upstairs? Maybe there's a dog barking in the neighbour's garden.

Possibly the pipes are creaking because it's wintertime and the central heating is starting to come on. All of a sudden you've noticed the sound of your own breathing and the creaking that your chair makes every time you lean back and forth in it. You see, all of these sounds, all of these things you've just paid attention to, they were there before.

They were there the whole time. The reticular activating system, though, doesn't consider that useful. So it's got all of its attention focused directly on listening to me, listening to Luke.

What it's not doing is seeking any evidence to support that there are plenty of other sounds that you could pay attention to and that's fine and hopefully that's actually what you want. You'd rather be listening to me than paying attention to these other sounds in this particular moment. However, just imagine what that does when you apply a negative thought or any thought for that matter.

So let's come back to that thought of my partner is not trustworthy. What's your brain going to be doing? Well, one thing it's going to do straightaway, it's going to filter out any evidence to support that your partner is trustworthy because it's got no interest in that. It serves no purpose to it.

It's not what it's being told to do. It's not the instruction. All it's got is look for every single thing that I can find about my partner that is untrustworthy to reinforce the thought that I have.

And okay, yes, they were unfaithful. They did choose to have an affair. Whatever that looked like in your situation, that did happen.

But does that paint the whole picture? Is that really what they're like as a complete person? What if we popped something in the other pot? Something that said, I'm going to give my partner the benefit of the doubt. Or, I wonder how trustworthy they could be. I wonder how trustworthy they really are.

And let's start getting your focus on that. Focus your attention on the thing that you're trying to support. I'm actually actively asking you to do this after this podcast, after you finish listening to me today.

Start paying attention to all the little things that make this person trustworthy. Perhaps they go to work on time every day. They come home at the same time from work every day.

When I ask for a cup of coffee or tea or whatever drink it is, they make it in the correct way, the way that I like it. Maybe when I get in the car with them and they're driving, we always arrive at the destination safely. Maybe I know that if I go to bed first, that when I come down in the morning, the doors and the windows are all shut and locked.

And I know because my partner has been round and checked them all before they've come to bed. I can trust that they do these things. What other things are they doing? Even the small things that may seem insignificant, what other things are they doing that actually builds up this pot of evidence to suggest that they are trustworthy? Once you start looking, you will start seeing more.

If you've really started paying attention to find evidence as to why this person is a trustworthy person, now just clarify, I'm not saying let's just forgive and forget. You might not be there yet. We're just making this change, this intentional change to start looking for evidence to support that it is what we would like to believe.

Or at the very least, what it is that we think will move us forward. Because what does continually looking for things that proves that they're not trustworthy, what's that actually going to achieve? They're going to be fighting a losing battle. Okay, so how about the unfaithful partner? What do you need to do? And just to clarify, this really does want to be a choice on both sides, which you have made first, and this applies to both of you.

You need to decide definitively, do you want to stay in this relationship or do you want to leave? Assuming everything else is off the table, money, kids, etc. Do you want to stay in this relationship? And that just gives you a start point. Don't just take the simplest or easiest route, you know, this path of least resistance.

It might feel right, but it's almost always because you were avoiding the alternative. What would leaving actually mean? What would that actually look like? Of course it needs to feel safe for both parties. Okay, so again back towards the unfaithful partner.

Be honest. It sounds so simple and yet it's often very hard. Offer full disclosure.

It doesn't mean that you have to keep pouring out information, trying to fill the betrayed mind with all of the details. Of course, if the betrayed wants to know things, then they get to ask the questions and you purposely withholding them to quote-unquote protect them isn't useful. But both be sensitive, be aware, maybe use some tact.

If somebody asks a question and you know the answer is not going to be something they're likely to want to hear, then maybe that's what you say. Look, I'm happy to tell you everything, but honestly there are perhaps going to be some things that I say that are going to be very uncomfortable to hear and I completely understand why you might get upset and why you might get angry. And I'm more than happy to do it, I'm more than comfortable to do this, but I just want you to know.

And for the betrayed, just be aware, just be mindful of what questions you're asking and why you're asking them. Of course, there's this temptation to want to fill in all the blanks as we've talked about before on the podcast. Our mind likes to fill in the gaps and if it doesn't know all the details it will fabricate whatever it thinks is best based on other things that you've seen or witnessed or experienced throughout your life.

But we don't want our brain adding more negative, more misery, more pain than it needs to. It's just not necessary. Not everything needs to be said right now.

So by all means ask some questions, but I probably recommend that you write some of these questions down first and ask yourself, if I knew the answer to this question, how would it change what I want? What would it change for me? What difference does it make? How can I move forward knowing what I may or may not discover? Just ask yourself before you ask the unfaithful partner. Also important for the unfaithful partner is to be accountable. Take responsibility.

It was 100% you that made that choice. It doesn't matter if the relationship wasn't perfect beforehand. It doesn't matter what your partner did or didn't do.

You need to take responsibility for your behaviour in the past. So the things that you've done, you own up to them. Be remorseful, but be genuine.

It has to be genuine. Otherwise, if not, there's just no point. It's just an attempt to manipulate because you're scared of feeling alone or rejected or whatever other negative emotion that you're trying to avoid.

That's just not going to help you in the long term. You see, because relationships really can heal and they really can be resolved after infidelity. And in fact, those who are able to work through it together, honestly, they're really likely to have an even stronger relationship than they did before.

Okay, so before we finish, back to you, the betrayed. Now, when we're trying to rebuild trust, as we've already discussed, trusting other people. Well, trusting other people is purely our thoughts about the other person.

In fact, all relationships are one person's thoughts about another person. Just think about that a minute. Perhaps even more surprising is that the relationship that you have with yourself is the same.

The relationship you have with yourself is purely your thoughts about yourself. Now, of course, after infidelity, we question our judgement in people. You know, we've put this trust in somebody and then they have, you know, not aligned, you know, they've not complied, sorry, with the set of agreements that you either had in writing, by marriage, by thought, whatever it is.

You have made that judgement that they were going to be trustworthy and then, of course, when they're not, you then start to... It's very easy or very common, at least, to make that feel like it means something about you. It's like, I'm obviously not very good at judging. And if I'm not very good at judging that, then what else am I not very good at judging? How can I possibly rebuild trust with anybody if my judgement is so poor? Now, what you're doing there is highlighting the fact that you no longer trust yourself.

So, same exercise that we talked about earlier. Start looking for evidence as to why you are trustworthy and just start with the smallest things. Look at the things that you're able to do on a daily basis.

Look at the things that you do do for maybe your children or maybe certain family members or friends or work colleagues or you name it. Look for those tiny little things that prove that you are trustworthy. Maybe you pay bills, maybe you turn up to volunteer at something every couple of weeks, maybe you're a member of a particular club and you make it there on time or maybe there are other certain tasks that you have in your community.

Whatever it is, whatever it is, it really doesn't matter. The point is there will be things that you can find evidence of that prove that you are trustworthy. And then as you do that, you just build that back up and you realise you are a trustworthy person.

You trust yourself. And okay, sometimes, sometimes you're going to be wrong and that's okay. Sometimes we can't possibly know what another person is going to do.

We can't control other people. They're always going to do whatever it is that they want to do based on their own thoughts and there's nothing that we as individuals can actually do to control that. Rebuilding trust is the single most common question that I receive either via message, clients, forums, you name it, when it comes to healing from infidelity.

So it's an important topic and it's understandable because when that trust has been broken, you no longer not only trust that particular person, but how can you trust anybody else? How can you trust yourself? So rebuilding trust is absolutely crucial when it comes to rebuilding relationships of any description. So remember, trust is nothing more than your thoughts that you have about another person. That is ultimately what it is.

It's just your thoughts about it and it's what you make it mean if they don't comply with this imaginary set of standards that you have applied to that person. Even if they've said that they will do something and then they don't, it's still just your thoughts about them. Now when I'm working with my one-to-one clients, we go much deeper than this and really explore this topic in a huge amount of detail and really help people get from where they are now in a completely distrusting place to a place where they not only trust themselves, they trust their partners and their whole life looks completely different and probably almost unrecognisable compared to what they thought was possible.

If you'd like to learn a little bit more about working with me, then please just send me a message. Let's talk. Let's set up a consult call and let's see if we can get you moving.

Whatever that is, it's 30 minutes. It's absolutely free of charge. There is zero obligation.

If I can just help you a little bit on that day, then I've done my job and if there's something that we can work together, then I'd love to help you move forward after infidelity. Once again, I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to talk with you each week. It's an absolute honour to be in your ears every seven days.

So again, thank you ever so much and I'll speak to you next week for episode number 10. Amazing. Can't wait.