89. I Bet You Have Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: How to Spot them After Infidelity

Welcome to another episode of "After the Affair." I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and today we're tackling a crucial aspect of recovery that many people might not even realise they're struggling with: unhealthy coping mechanisms.

After experiencing the emotional upheaval of infidelity, it's easy to fall into habits that seem helpful in the moment but actually hinder your healing process.

Whether you're in the midst of your recovery or supporting someone who is, this episode is packed with insights and actionable advice to help you move forward on your healing journey. Join me as we uncover the coping mechanisms that might be holding you back and discover healthier ways to cope and thrive after betrayal.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Coping Mechanisms: Learn what coping mechanisms are and their role in managing stress and emotional pain.

• Identifying Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: Recognize common unhealthy coping strategies, such as isolation, excessive drinking, and dwelling on the past.

• Real-Life Examples: Hear relatable stories and examples to see if you might be engaging in these behaviours without realizing it.

• Healthy Alternatives: Discover effective and healthy coping mechanisms to replace harmful habits.

• Practical Advice: Get practical tips and strategies to facilitate your recovery and promote emotional well-being.

💬 Reflection Questions:

What coping strategies have I been using since the affair? Are they truly helping me heal, or just helping me escape?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to another episode of the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 89. This episode is perhaps a little bit more personal because I've experienced both ends of the spectrum.

I want to talk about coping mechanisms and specifically the exploration into healthy versus unhealthy coping mechanisms and how they can either help or in some cases hinder your recovery journey. So I'd really like to share some insights and hopefully guide you towards some healthier habits on your healing journey. So what are coping mechanisms? Well I suppose simply put they are strategies that we use to manage stress, emotional pain and the challenging situations that we face.

After experiencing infidelity the emotional toll can be overwhelming and how we choose to cope can significantly impact our recovery process. So let's start by briefly talking about some of the healthy coping mechanisms before we dive deeper into those elusive and slightly less healthy ones. So let's start with some healthy ones.

One that I recommend all the time and you've heard me if you've been listening to the podcast for any length of time you'll heard me talking about thought downloads and journaling or writing. Ultimately getting your thoughts and feelings out of your brain and onto paper can be incredibly therapeutic. It also gives you an opportunity to be able to see your thinking more clearly.

It's a little bit like looking in the kitchen cupboard and having a good sort out. You open the cupboard, you take all of the tins out. There's a few tins in there that are out of date.

There's a few things that you don't even like anymore. There's some things that have covered in dust that have been sat there for years at the back of the cupboard. You'd literally forgotten they were even there.

So you take each thing out one by one and then you go in and give that cupboard a good clean. There's now a nice clean service to start putting back in the things that you actually want. Those items that are out of date, well they can be chucked away.

They're no useful, no longer useful. And for the things that maybe you're just not a fan of anymore then perhaps you could either alternatively chuck them away. You could give them to a food bank or maybe pass them on to somebody who does like them.

But one by one you're able to reprioritize that cupboard and put the things back in it the way that you like. From a place of intention, not from one that has just been stockpiled over years and just ramming the next thing in there. And actually the only thing you really use is the the items that are closest to the front.

Using this analogy and then converting it back into writing and taking those thoughts from out of your brain and sorting them out and then reorganising them, putting them back in the way that you want. It provides an outlet for your emotions. It helps you process what you're going through and it offers a clearer perspective on your situation.

When I was going through my own recovery, journaling and getting clear on what I could control versus what I couldn't control became a really safe space for me to truly explore what I was thinking and feeling without judgement. Even though sometimes I did judge some of the things that I wrote down, it allowed me the space to question them and challenge them and then move forward from it. The next one which I think also plays a big part in my life is exercise.

Physical activity really is a powerful stress reliever. Now of course for many people exercise is not that rewarding. It's hard work and sweaty and messy and all the things and often the changes that we see are gradual and don't happen overnight.

But if you can find some form of physical activity that you actually enjoy, and whether that is running or yoga or even just walking, exercise itself really does release endorphins which are a natural mood lifters and for me running was a thing that I reverted to. I was already a runner beforehand but being able to sort of get out on my own, create that space, feel the wind if you like in my hair and just free myself of the day-to-day, the challenges that I was facing at home and how I was going to process those things. It just gave me complete freedom and I am so grateful to have that particular outlet of which I still use of course now.

Now like I say running might not be your thing but is there something that you could do? It not only improves your physical health but it can also give you a sense of control, a sense of achievement during a time when everything else can feel completely chaotic. Another effective tool is meditation. Meditation practises can help calm your mind, reduce stress and improve your emotional resilience.

Even just a few minutes a day can have a significant difference. It really helped me to stay grounded and present rather than getting lost in the overwhelming emotions of the challenges that I was facing at the time or my conflict with the past and how my relationship should have turned out. Now although it might seem quite obvious, spending time with loved ones can also be incredibly healing.

Connecting with people who care about you really does provide emotional support and remind you that you're not alone on your journey and whether that's family or friends or somebody even a trusted work colleague, somebody that you know well that you feel will offer you space to be able to share in a non-judgemental way that can just help offload that pressure from your own mind. Their presence alone could be a comforting reminder of the love and support that does still exist in your life. I've already spoken about meditation but I suppose another branch of that is mindfulness and this is really about being present in the moment and accepting it without judgement.

It's so easy to spend all of our time worrying about what has happened and anticipating what might happen in the future. Mindfulness is all about reducing anxiety and improving your overall sense of well-being and for me mindfulness practises really were a way to anchor myself in the present rather than getting caught up in worries about the future or regrets about the past. Engaging in hobbies and activities that you enjoy is another excellent way to cope healthily.

Hobbies provide a sense of purpose and can be a great distraction from negative thoughts. Now these shouldn't be used to stop all negative emotions, to resist them and to try and bury them away, but sometimes it really is healthy to just pop them to one side. Press the pause button and focus on something that you love and you enjoy and although it can be very difficult to find that passion, that desire to do the things that you once enjoyed doing, sometimes it just requires doing them and doing it with intent and also knowing that you are still going to allow time to process the discomfort and the emotions that you're experiencing in your situation.

They remind you that there's more to life than the pain that you're currently experiencing and all those sayings or phrases like this too shall pass can sometimes feel a little bit hard to get a firm grip on. We can also acknowledge that they do have some real truth. Time often does allow us a period in which we can process and move through our emotions and I think for all of the, if you can think back to all of the negative things that you've experienced in your life, the vast majority of those probably aren't causing you any problem right now and there's probably been many times where you felt very tense, very fearful of a situation, a lot of anxiety but they don't matter now because those moments have passed, you have worked through those, you have figured out how to get beyond it and you can do the same here.

If you enjoy reading or listening to audiobooks then the self-help market is full of valuable insights and strategies for coping with emotional pain. These books can offer varied perspectives and practical advice that can inspire and motivate you. I found a real sense of safety and got a lot of satisfaction from consuming many of these types of books.

I actually prefer audio myself, kind of fitting given that I'm here talking to you on a podcast so maybe it's something that you would enjoy too if you don't already. One thing I will offer though and I think I probably have shared this before, when it comes to consuming new strategies, new insights, new techniques on how to move forward and heal, move through your own healing journey, it can be very easy to consume but not actually implement and of course it doesn't matter how much knowledge you gain unless you actually put those tools, those techniques, those methods that you've learned into action nothing will change. I really did feel a great comfort in books and it helped me address many different elements of my healing and personal growth as they gave me new ways to think about my situation and some real clear practical steps to move forward.

One of the healthiest coping strategies that I can think of is setting personal boundaries. Of course boundaries are there really to protect your own emotional well-being. It involves knowing your limits and communicating them to others and this can prevent you from feeling overwhelmed and help you really maintain a sense of control over your life.

You can learn more about boundaries in some of my earlier episodes. I think the original one was number 13, Know Your Boundaries, and I'm sure I have covered it many times in other topics as well. And finally when considering healthy coping mechanisms practising gratitude can be another effective tool.

It can shift your focus from what's missing in your life to what's still good. Keeping a gratitude journal or simply taking a moment each day to reflect on things that you're thankful for can improve your mood and outlook on life no end. For me this practise was a daily reminder that despite the pain there were still plenty of positive aspects of my life worth appreciating and although it didn't actually feel like there were to begin with, the harder I looked the more I saw.

Okay so there's nothing like a good mid episode pivot and that's exactly what we're going to do here. Let's turn to the other side of the coin, unhealthy coping mechanisms. These are strategies that might provide temporary relief but ultimately hinder your recovery and your well-being.

I'll share some real-life examples to help you recognise if you might be engaging in some of these behaviours. So let's begin with isolation. This is isolating yourself.

It's a common response to emotional pain but it can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression. During my recovery there were times where I wanted to withdraw. I wanted to separate myself from everybody and everything.

I remember a period when I stopped answering calls or even replying to text messages, thinking that being alone would help me deal with my emotions better. However I realised that isolation often only intensified my negative feelings and although time alone was important to me, in fact it's always been important to me as an individual, I recognised that there was a point where I was taking it too far and maybe not making those connections that I needed. Fortunately I had some persistent friends and a good support network which helped me overcome some of this and I really recognised the utility of connecting and increasing my connection with other people in my life whilst I was increasing the disconnection between myself and my wife.

Another common outlet is excessive drinking, alcohol use and although it might seem like a way to numb the pain it's often just a temporary fix that can usually lead to addiction and further emotional distress. I had moments where I considered reaching for alcohol to escape my thoughts. I remember one particularly tough night where I almost convinced myself that a few drinks would help me sleep better and distract me.

Thankfully, probably because of my experience in the hospitality industry and having got familiar with every type of drunk that there is, I recognised that this was a slippery slope and I sought healthier alternatives. What about food? Now it's quite common after discovery, after D-Day, many people go through a usually fairly short period of time, a one to two week period where they don't eat. Their appetite goes away and there's a short period of under eating.

Now that is fairly common and although it's not healthy it's usually fairly short-lived and that tends to resolve itself fairly quickly. However, what if you are seeking food as a way of avoiding your emotions? Overeating is an equally unhealthy coping mechanism. Emotional eating can lead to physical health issues.

Although I never actually experienced this directly myself, I see it a lot within the people I work with. Comfort foods are there to often soothe emotions. People eat mindlessly only to feel guilty and unwell afterwards and in some cases there are times where actually the appetite goes away entirely which can leave them feeling weak and even more emotionally drained and less fuelled and prepared to be able to deal with the challenges that they're facing.

A common, although more psychological, coping strategy is to dwell on the past. This can form a trap that can prevent you from moving forward. Constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind only deepens the wound.

I found myself obsessively going over every detail of the affair, trying to understand why it happened, what it was that I did wrong, how I could have been a better husband, how I didn't see this, why didn't I spot it sooner, were there clear hints and signs that were staring me in the face but I somehow ignored. And this mental loop just kept me stuck in a cycle of pain and anger and made it really hard to focus on healing and rebuilding my life initially. Again, through some of the strategies that we discussed in the earlier part of this episode I recognised this was unhealthy and luckily I had focal points to be able to distract myself and therefore able to use the grounding exercises and the journaling and the thought downloads as a way to to manage this unhelpful thinking pattern that I was caught in.

What about responsibilities and avoiding them? And avoiding responsibilities might feel like a way to escape the pain but it can often lead to more stress and problems in the long run. There were times when I felt overwhelmed and wanted to ignore my responsibilities, whether it was at work or at home, with the kids or duties that I'd committed to. However, I found that facing those responsibilities head-on, even when it was tough, actually helped me in the long run.

It helped provide a sense of normalcy and I suppose regained some control, which was so important in a time where I felt like control had been taken away from me completely. Now personally I've never used drugs, at least not non-prescribed ones, but again this can be a common coping mechanism for many people which, like alcohol, can lead to addiction and have serious health consequences. It's a dangerous path that ultimately exacerbates emotional pain and while, like I say, I never actually went down this road myself, I understand the temptation to seek out something that offers that immediate relief.

It's crucial to remember that this kind of relief is fleeting and it also comes with significant downsides and risks. What about something less obvious, less directly impactful, less taboo even? What about screen time? Excessive screen time, such as binge-watching TV or endlessly scrolling through social media? This can be a real way to temporarily escape reality but it often leads to feelings of emptiness and disconnection. I've really had to make the conscious effort to limit my own screen time and engage in more meaningful activities.

For the most part I'm pretty good at this now, however I am definitely not flawless and this is something that I think will always be something to consider when I'm making clear decisions about how I want to spend my time. Remember the technology is out there with the absolute intention of trying to get your eyes on it and for you to interact with it for as long and as much as possible. There were of course nights where I would spend hours on my laptop or my phone watching things, scrolling things and not really getting anything from it other than making myself more tired and delaying the time that I went to sleep, reducing the quality of my sleep and then ultimately feeling tired and exhausted the next day.

And of course it's also quite isolating and it can increase that sense of disconnection to the real world while you're focused on your screen. We've all watched and probably acknowledge what it's like to walk down the street and see everybody focused on these little black mirrors that they hold in their hands and although mobile phones have become essentially a very important part in many people's lives and an essential communication tool and they have many other benefits, of course I'm sure you don't need me to to highlight all of the negative impacts that they have when they are used ineffectively or they distract our attention from things that are much more fulfilling in the long run. What about risky behaviours? You know things like, I don't know, reckless driving or some other kind of dangerous activities, maybe an adrenaline rush.

Again this is an example of trying to achieve a short-term high from removing yourself from the emotional discomfort that you're experiencing, to try and distract yourself from the emotional pain. But it also can put safety and well-being at risk. Now I'm not saying that we should wrap ourselves in cotton wool but potentially are the things that you are doing now that you maybe wouldn't do quite the same as you did before.

Maybe it is driving a little bit faster on your way home because you're a bit more frustrated. Perhaps it's just about bringing awareness to the activities that you're engaging in and whether those activities are being driven or impacted by the emotions that you're experiencing, particularly if those emotions are anger and frustration. Will that affect your judgement? Will that make you take risks that you haven't previously taken? And then finally there is the overall topic of suppressing your emotions.

And although this might seem like a way to stay strong, it often leads to emotional numbness and prevents you from truly healing. It's a bit like turning off part of you so that you can no longer communicate with it. And the problem is that might be useful when you're dealing with extremely difficult, painful, traumatic emotions.

But when you numb yourself to that kind of extent, you also are shutting off your ability to access all kinds of emotions, positive and negative. So this can affect things at both ends of the scale. And all that might seem like a willing price to pay when you're feeling that level of discomfort.

As you start to move through it, it becomes much more apparent how dulled down your emotional experience is both the top and the bottom of that spectrum. Now although negative emotions can be very painful to experience, as we've discussed before, they in and of themselves can't actually hurt you. And if you can build up a kind of resilience that lets you know that you have your own back when you're experiencing a negative emotion, then you are experiencing the full human experience which includes positive and negative emotions.

Allowing myself to feel and express my emotions really was a crucial step in my own recovery. There were times when I tried to bottle it up. I tried to, you know, bury my feelings in some way thinking it made me stronger.

But in reality it just delayed the healing and it made the emotions so much more intense when they finally did surface. In conclusion, the way that we cope with emotional pain can significantly impact our recovery journey. Healthy coping mechanisms such as journaling, thought downloads, exercise and spending time with loved ones can really facilitate healing and personal growth.

And in contrast of course unhealthy coping mechanisms like isolation, excessive drinking and dwelling on the past can really hinder our progress and prolong our suffering. I encourage you to reflect on your own coping strategies and consider making positive changes where needed. Remember it's okay to seek help and support from others and whether it's through your friends, families, a support group, a professional or simply connecting with loved ones, it's always important to be able to make those connections to help you move that one step further.

Thank you ever so much for joining me today on the After The Affair podcast. I hope you found this discussion on coping mechanisms really useful. If you'd like to join me in further conversation away from the airwaves then please, if you haven't already, join the After The Affair community.

You can do so by visiting facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community and of course I'll pop the link in the show notes if you can't remember that URL. Likewise if you have any questions or would like to share your own experiences for me to discuss and maybe answer on the podcast then please feel free to reach out. You can always contact me at luke at lifecoachluke.com or you can visit any of my social media profiles.

Probably the most effective one would be Instagram which is at mylifecoachluke. Until next time, take care, be kind to yourself and I'll speak to you all next week.