88. Hysterical Bonding: Navigating Intense Emotions After Infidelity

In this insightful episode of "After the Affair," I delve into the complex phenomenon of hysterical bonding that often follows infidelity. I'll uncover what hysterical bonding is, how common it is, and the differences between healthy and unhealthy forms. You will learn practical strategies to manage this intense emotional response and ensure it doesn't cause further damage to your relationship.

Join me as I explore these crucial aspects and provide actionable advice for couples navigating the aftermath of betrayal.

Key Takeaways:

• Hysterical bonding is a natural response to the trauma of infidelity, marked by an intense desire for physical or emotional closeness.

• It is relatively common and can vary in intensity and duration based on several factors, including the nature of the affair and individual personalities.

• Recognizing the signs of healthy and unhealthy hysterical bonding is crucial for ensuring that this phase supports rather than hinders healing.

• Implementing strategies like open communication, seeking professional help, and setting healthy boundaries can help manage hysterical bonding effectively.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you or your partner ever experienced hysterical bonding after a crisis? How did it impact your relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to another episode of The After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings. Today you're listening to episode number 88.

Today I want to talk about hysterical bonding. What exactly it is, how common it is, are there healthy and unhealthy versions of it and how can we tell the difference. Importantly I also want to look at potential strategies to help you manage it so if it does exist within your relationship post infidelity it doesn't cause further damage to it.

So these are going to be the questions we'll explore today so let's get started. First of all what is hysterical bonding? For many people prior to infidelity this is a term that they may not have even heard of. Now if you know anything about me you know that I like a definition so let's have a go.

Hysterical bonding is an intense often sudden surge of physical or emotional closeness between partners following a significant crisis or trauma. Okay so in the context of infidelity it refers to a period where the betrayed spouse often feels an urgent need to reconnect with their unfaithful partner and this reaction is rooted in the trauma of the betrayal and the deep-seated fear of abandonment. The betrayed spouse might engage in behaviours aimed at regaining a sense of security and closeness.

For the unfaithful partner hysterical bonding can also exist and this can be driven by feelings of shame, guilt and a desire to make amends. But what does it actually look like in real life? So let's break it down with some examples. So we'll start with the betrayed spouse.

Hysterical bonding from their perspective often manifests as an overwhelming desire to restore the relationship to its previous state of intimacy. This can include the desire to initiate more frequent sexual encounters, hoping to rekindle the physical closeness and reassurance of their partner's love and loyalty. For example a wife who discovers her husband's affair might suddenly become much more sexually assertive wanting to re-establish a strong physical bond.

The betrayed spouse may also seek constant verbal affirmations of love and commitment from the unfaithful partner. This could involve frequently asking questions like do you still love me or will you leave me in an attempt to try and quell their fears of abandonment. They may also become more emotionally dependent, seeking to spend all of their time with the unfaithful partner, avoiding situations where they're apart.

For instance a husband who has been cheated on might insist on accompanying his wife everywhere, even to mundane places like the grocery store. And then the betrayed partner can also overcompensate. They might go out of their way to please the unfaithful partner, taking on more household responsibilities or sharing them with affection and gifts.

This overcompensation is a bid to secure their partner's affection and prevent further betrayal. But this is just one side of the equation. What about the unfaithful spouse? Hysterical bonding can still manifest in the unfaithful spouse and these actions are often driven by guilt and a desire to try and fix the problem.

They may continuously apologise and make numerous promises to change their behaviour, hoping to rebuild trust. For example a husband who had an affair might repeatedly tell his wife how sorry he is and promise to be more attentive and faithful in the future. He might become overly attentive, showering the betrayed spouse with affection, gifts and special attention.

This could look like planning surprise dates, buying flowers frequently or writing love notes, all in an effort to prove their love and their remorse. The unfaithful spouse might go to great lengths to be transparent, sharing details of the daily activities, checking in constantly and being overly open about their whereabouts. In some cases a wife who has had an affair might start sharing her phone and social media passwords with her husband to try and rebuild trust.

This might seem like a very open and honest thing to do but can actually lead to more damaging impacts in the relationship going forward. They might also try and compensate for their betrayal by taking on more responsibilities at home, being extra helpful or trying to fix everything that might have been neglected before the affair. I sometimes see this when one partner might start doing much more housework or spending far more quality time with the children.

Recognising these behaviours is crucial for both partners. It's important to understand that while hysterical bonding is a natural response to the trauma of infidelity, it can also mask deeper issues that need to be addressed for true healing to occur. Now another question I'm regularly asked, in fact it was asked this week, is how common is hysterical bonding? Well as you know statistics around infidelity are always notoriously difficult to establish so whilst exact statistics are hard to come by, anecdotal evidence and clinical observations suggest that it's relatively common in relationships that have experienced a significant breach of trust such as infidelity.

In my own practise I would say that it probably presents at least 50% of the time. This phenomenon is often observed in the immediate aftermath of the discovery of the affair and the intensity and duration of hysterical bonding can really vary very widely amongst couples and it depends on a variety of factors. Here's a few that just come to mind.

The severity of the infidelity itself, so the nature and the extent of the betrayal can impact the intensity of the hysterical bonding. For instance a long-term affair might result in a much more intense and prolonged period of hysterical bonding compared to a one-time incident. Then there's the difference in personalities and attachment styles between the two partners.

Generally people with anxious attachment styles may experience a much more intense hysterical bonding episode if you like, as they have a higher fear of abandonment. Whereas the opposite, those with the avoidant attachment styles may not exhibit anything like the same intensity. Another thing to consider is actually what was the relationship like prior to the affair.

The pre-existing dynamics of the relationship really do play a significant role. If the relationship was already experiencing difficulties, the bonding might be more intense as both partners grapple with the fear of losing each other. Then we can also explore the individual's personal coping mechanisms.

How do they handle these challenging emotions that they experience? Of course each individual's way of dealing with trauma affects how hysterical bonding manifests. Some might turn to their partner for immediate reassurance, while others might withdraw and take time to process their emotions. I also want to add in another quick caveat if you like, this something that may be considered hysterical bonding but actually isn't.

In some cases an unfaithful partner might initiate more sexual activity during the affair, which can be very confusing for the betrayed spouse. This behaviour isn't quite hysterical bonding but can be driven by similar factors such as guilt and a need for reassurance or maybe even for the fear of the affair being discovered. Understanding this can be another important factor for both partners as they navigate the aftermath of infidelity and really work towards rebuilding their relationship.

Typically hysterical bonding is most intense in the weeks or months following the discovery of the affair. This phase can serve as a critical period for both partners to reassess their relationship and their commitment to each other. However, without addressing the underlying issues, this bonding phase might not lead to genuine healing.

It's important to note that while hysterical bonding can be a natural and in some cases even helpful initial response, it should not be relied upon as a long-term solution. Using this period constructively can set the stage for deeper more sustained efforts to repair and rebuild the relationship. Couples often find that as the initial intensity of hysterical bonding fades they then must confront the deeper issues that led to the infidelity.

Sometimes this period of hysterical bonding can act like a pause on the relationship. It doesn't really get to any of the problems that led up to the affair existing in the first place. This transition can be challenging but it is essential for true recovery and growth.

Again, seeking professional help during this period can provide the necessary tools and support to navigate these complex emotions and help you establish a healthier much more resilient relationship foundation. So the next important question is are there healthy and unhealthy versions of hysterical bonding? I've touched on this a little bit and if so how can we tell the difference? So yes there are healthy and unhealthy forms of hysterical bonding. Healthy hysterical bonding can serve as a temporary bridge to rebuild the relationship.

It involves open communication, mutual understanding, and a shared commitment to addressing the underlying issues that led to the infidelity in the first place. However it can become unhealthy if it leads to codependency where one partner relies excessively on the other for emotional stability or if it sometimes it can mask itself as unresolved issues and therefore prevents genuine healing. Some of the signs that indicate unhealthy hysterical bonding include an obsessive need to be physically close to the partner at all times, avoiding difficult conversations about the affair, and using physical intimacy as a band-aid as a solution for deeper emotional wounds.

On the flip side, healthy hysterical bonding might involve honest discussions about feelings and fears, seeking professional help together to work through the trauma, or maybe using the desire for closeness as a foundation to rebuild trust and intimacy in a really healthy and balanced way. So lastly I'd like to talk about the effective strategies for dealing with hysterical bonding to ensure that it doesn't create further damage in your relationship. Some of these things I speak about regularly because these foundations, these basics of how to communicate and how to coexist in a relationship, are essentially the same regardless of the source of the individual problem you're facing in that moment.

So open communication. Encourage honest and open dialogue about your feelings, your fears and expectations, and try to avoid sweeping these issues under the rug. Now I know that sometimes that's not always easy for one partner, as in sometimes one person is very uncomfortable talking about their emotions.

There are often, in any relationship, somebody who is more comfortable talking about these things and somebody who is less comfortable talking about these things. That dynamic is always going to exist to some extent. There are occasions where it is taken to the extreme though and somebody completely closes up.

In those occasions it's important that you just help that person feel safe in the moment, regardless of their actions, regardless of what has come before. If you generally want to try and rebuild the relationship, then creating a dialogue between you is important. And it doesn't have to look exactly the same as everybody else's.

It just needs to be something that works for you so that you feel like you are actively communicating your needs and understanding what your partner is thinking and feeling, at least to some extent. It's also important to set healthy boundaries, to ensure that the relationship doesn't become codependent. Really try and respect each other's need for space and individual healing.

Remember to focus on your self-care. Prioritising yourself makes a massive difference in terms of how you show up in the relationship. When both partners prioritise their own emotional and physical well-being, it really creates an environment where they are able to communicate much better in the future.

You can engage in activities that really promote self-growth and self-healing and I've given plenty of examples of this on previous episodes. Trust comes slowly. It takes time.

So focus on the small. Just do consistent things, even if they are the tiniest things, to begin that process and ultimately demonstrate that commitment to really be there for your partner, to be that reliable, that person with integrity. What things can you do on a day-to-day basis to help build that trust back up? Then there's patience and understanding and recognising that healing from infidelity is a long process and so be patient with yourself and be patient with your partner as you both navigate this journey.

It's not something to be rushed and the time that is taken, the effort that you put into communicating your needs and understanding your partner's needs can lay a solid foundation for a future that you can trust. Now hysterical bonding can be a natural response to the trauma of infidelity but it's essential to approach it mindfully. By understanding its dynamics and implementing healthy strategies, couples can use this period as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship and move towards genuine healing.

So before I go today, how do you feel about the concept of hysterical bonding and what emotions does it stir up for you? Have you discussed these feelings with your partner and what steps can you take to ensure that any form of bonding after a crisis in your relationship is healthy and constructive? Thank you once again for joining me today on this episode of the After the Affair podcast. I hope this discussion on hysterical bonding has provided you with some useful insights into your own experience after infidelity. If you have any questions, as always, you can reach out directly by contacting me at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com or if you want to share a little bit more about your own experience then why not join the After the Affair community.

You can do that by visiting facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After the Affair community. Of course the links will be in the show notes as always. Thank you once again everybody.

I look forward to talking to you next week. Take care, stay strong.