87. The Power of Compersion: What Polyamory can teach us about Healing from Infidelity

In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me, Luke Shillings, as I take a look into the fascinating world of polyamory to uncover valuable insights that can aid in healing from infidelity. Polyamorous relationships, known for their emphasis on open communication, emotional intelligence, and the unique concept of compersion, offer profound lessons for monogamous couples recovering from betrayal.

I'll explore the world of polyamory: what it really means, where it came from, and how it challenges traditional ideas about love and commitment. We’ll look at the psychology behind managing jealousy and uncover tools from polyamorous relationships (the power of compersion) that can actually strengthen trust and communication in any partnership.

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional intelligence and self-awareness are crucial in managing complex relationship dynamics.

• Effective communication and regular check-ins can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen bonds.

• The concept of compersion can shift perspectives on jealousy and foster mutual happiness.

• Conflict resolution techniques from polyamorous practices can benefit any relationship.

💬 Reflection Questions:

How open and honest am I being in my current relationship about what I truly need and feel? When jealousy shows up, what’s really underneath it: fear, insecurity, or something else?

Special Mention: A heartfelt thank you to everyone who has joined our Facebook group! Your support and engagement are invaluable. If you haven’t joined yet, search for 'After the Affair (with Luke Shillings)' on Facebook and become part of our community.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

  
  

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 87. I want to challenge the traditional norms and maybe offer a little bit of a slightly fresh perspective on love and fidelity.

Today I want to talk about polyamory. Now if you're in a traditional monogamous relationship you're probably thinking why should I listen to Luke on an episode of the After The Affair podcast talking about polyamory? Well here's the thing. Understanding the principles that make polyamorous relationships work can actually offer profound insights into healing from betrayal and rebuilding trust in any relationship.

In fact there's a specific aspect of polyamorous dynamics that might hold the key to your own recovery journey. So stick with me and I'll reveal what that is and how it can transform your approach to trust and intimacy. But before we dive in I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has already joined the After The Affair community.

Your support and engagement mean the world to me and it's incredible to see a community of people coming together to support each other through their journeys. If you haven't already joined I invite you to check it out. It's a safe space where we can share insights, ask questions and offer support.

I do a weekly live Q&A where you can literally bring any question regarding your healing journey to me and I will answer live on the call every week. Just search for After The Affair with Luke Shillings on Facebook or you can go direct to the URL facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community. Of course I'll pop the links in the bio.

Okay so polyamory. First let's get clear on what polyamory actually is. It's derived from the Greek word poly meaning many and the Latin amor meaning love and it refers to the practise of engaging in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously with the knowledge and consent of everybody involved.

It's about loving more than one person at the same time in a transparent and well ethical way. Polyamory is not a new concept. Throughout history various cultures have practised forms of non-monogamy from ancient civilisations like the Greeks and Romans to certain indigenous societies.

The idea of loving multiple people has existed in many different forms and in many ways our current societal norm of monogamy is relatively recent and culturally specific. Now according to an article written in the Washington Examiner back in 2021 it seems as though humans have been essentially monogamous throughout history. However at some point around 10,000 years ago it fell out of favour and then in just the last few hundred years or so monogamy has really come back.

Now of course I am not an expert in the history of polyamory or monogamy for that matter but for the point I'm making it's clearly not a new term or concept. From a psychological standpoint polyamory requires a high level of emotional intelligence or EQ and it involves the ability to understand and manage your own emotions as well as recognise and influence the emotions of others. In polyamorous relationships partners must be adept at navigating complex emotional landscapes.

They need to be in tune with their own feelings and those of their partners, recognising when someone feels left out, insecure or overly dependent. Effective communication is another cornerstone of successful polyamorous relationships. These relationships thrive on open honest dialogue about boundaries, needs and expectations.

Regular check-ins and discussions help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that everyone's feelings are acknowledged and addressed. And for those healing from betrayal adopting such communication practises can really foster transparency and rebuild trust. By openly discussing fears, desires and boundaries couples can create a more secure and supportive environment.

Self-awareness plays a crucial role in polyamory. Partners must understand their own emotional triggers and patterns of behaviour. This self-awareness also helps in managing jealousy.

It's a common challenge in both polyamorous and monogamous relationships and by recognising their own insecurities and addressing them constructively individuals can significantly reduce conflicts and enhance the emotional stability of the unit. Jealousy is often seen as a negative emotion but in polyamory it's treated as a normal and manageable part of relationships. Instead of suppressing or ignoring jealousy, polyamorous individuals confront it head-on.

They explore the root causes of their jealousy and work through it with their partners and this process can teach valuable lessons about emotional resilience and trust which are essential for healing from betrayal. Understanding that jealousy is a signal of a deeper insecurity or unmet need, it can really help monogamous couples address these issues more effectively. One of the unique psychological aspects of polyamory is the concept of compersion.

Compersion is the feeling of joy when seeing your partner happy with someone else. It's often described as the opposite of jealousy. Developing compersion requires a shift in perspective, seeing your partner's happiness as enhancing rather than threatening your own.

This mindset can be incredibly beneficial for couples recovering from betrayal. It encourages a focus on mutual happiness and support rather than competition and insecurity. But let's not get confused here, this is not just about sex and intimacy.

Compersion is the experience of joy from seeing someone else happy. In other words, feeling happiness because your partner is happy even when their source of happiness isn't you. Compersion can occur in monogamous relationships, platonic friendships and even familial bonds.

What about conflict? Polyamorous relationships often involve more than two people which means conflict resolution skills are paramount. These relationships require clear strategies for resolving disputes and ensuring that all voices are heard. Learning conflict resolution techniques from polyamorous practises can help monogamous couples handle disagreements more constructively.

Techniques such as active listening, non-violent communication and mediation can all be adopted to resolve conflicts in a healthier, more empathetic manner. Which brings us on to empathy. Empathy and compassion are deeply embedded in the polyamorous ethos.

Understanding and sharing the feelings of others help in building strong, supportive relationships. For those healing from betrayal, fostering empathy can aid in understanding the motivations and emotions behind the betrayal itself, facilitating a more compassionate and less judgemental approach to recovery. Also, polyamorous relationships require a higher degree of flexibility and adaptability.

Partners must be willing to adjust their expectations and roles as the relationship dynamics change. This adaptability can be particularly useful for monogamous couples dealing with the upheaval of infidelity. Being open to change and willing to adapt can really help in creating new, healthier relationship patterns post-betrayal.

By integrating these psychological perspectives, monogamous couples can learn valuable lessons from polyamorous dynamics, and these insights can help in navigating the complex emotions and challenges that arise from infidelity, ultimately fostering a more resilient and trusting relationship. So how does polyamory impact traditional monogamous marriages? One of the main challenges is navigating the intense emotions that arise when shifting from a monogamous mindset to a more open one. However, it also offers benefits such as enhanced communication, as we've just discussed, a deeper understanding of personal needs, and greater emotional resilience.

And these are all invaluable when recovering from betrayal. Interestingly enough, polyamorous relationships often face legal challenges since marriage laws in most countries are designed for monogamous unions. Ethically, the emphasis is on honesty, consent, and respect for all parties involved.

It's about creating agreements that work for everyone and sticking to them. The media also often misrepresents polyamory, portraying it as chaotic or morally questionable. However, the reality is that many polyamorous relationships are based on mutual respect, clear boundaries, and deep emotional connections.

Understanding these dynamics can help us change and challenge our own preconceived notions about love and fidelity. So what else can we learn from polyamorous relationships about healing from betrayal? The answer lies in their approach to communication and emotional honesty. Polyamorous individuals often have regular check-ins with their partners to discuss feelings, boundaries, and expectations.

And this practise of open dialogue and emotional transparency can be incredibly healing for monogamous couples dealing with the fallout of infidelity. One of the things that I highly recommend are these emotional check-ins, where you have conversations with your partner as you're working through the recovery of betrayal, and establish what it is that you both want, both individually and together, to try and make sure that you are aware of what the other person both wants, desires, and needs from the relationship, but in a way that is healthy and is not forcing one person to do something that they don't want to do. It's about communicating between you, and yes, sometimes compromise is necessary, but what can often come from that is a shared goal, a shared desire to want to be able to create a sustainable, complete relationship moving forward.

I've had the privilege of speaking with several individuals who transitioned from monogamous to polyamorous relationships. They shared how this journey helped them understand their own needs better, and communicate more effectively. One story that stood out was a couple who, after experiencing infidelity, decided to explore polyamory.

They found that the principles of honesty and consent that are central to polyamory helped them rebuild trust and reconnect on a deeper level. However, in another situation, somebody else who had entered into a polyamorous relationship hadn't laid some of the clear foundations that are essential for this kind of relationship to exist. And just as it would have done in a monogamous relationship, when these boundaries aren't clearly communicated effectively, it causes problems in the relationship, and then elements of jealousy come to the surface rather than compersion, which is jealousy's opposite.

Now, as always, my goal here is not to have you change from polyamorous to monogamous, or from monogamous to polyamorous, or any changes. No changes are necessary. The whole purpose of what I'm talking about today, and why I'm sharing this with you, is because I think it's really useful to be able to look at the way people do things differently, and to be able to take things from that and apply it to what we do.

So whether you're monogamous or polyamorous, the core values of trust, communication, and mutual respect are still essential. And by understanding the dynamics of polyamory, we can begin to gain new insights into healing from betrayal, and building stronger, more resilient relationships. Remember, the journey to healing is unique for everybody, but learning from diverse perspectives can really provide valuable tools and insights.

So thank you once again for joining me on this exploration of polyamory, and its impact on traditional marriages. If you found this episode enlightening, then please share it with someone who might benefit from these insights. If that's something that you're not comfortable with, then please just rate it, maybe leave a comment, review it, drop me an email, let me know whether this has been useful for you.

It's really, really helpful, and I love hearing from you all the time. You can contact me at luke at lifecoachluke.com. As I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, please you're welcome to come and join me over at the After The Affair community in my Facebook group. And until next time, this is the After The Affair podcast, and I'm Luke Shillings signing off.