86. Why Affairs Don't Last

Why don't affairs last? Drawing on both research and personal experiences, join me, Luke Shillings, as I discuss the psychological, emotional, and social factors that contribute to the inherent instability of relationships that begin as affairs. Allow me to unpack the foundations of trust, the escape mechanism, emotional tolls, and the broader impacts of secrecy and isolation that define and often doom such relationships.

Key Takeaways:

• The Reality of Affairs: Understand the statistical likelihood of affairs turning into lasting relationships and why the odds are low.

• Trust Issues: Discover how the initial deceit in an affair can continue to affect trust even when the relationship comes into the open.

• Escapism and Consequences: Explore how affairs often serve as an escape from existing problems, which eventually resurface in the new relationship.

• Social and Emotional Isolation: Learn about the isolation that accompanies affairs and how it affects relationship dynamics.

• Emotional Costs: Consider the psychological and emotional strain that secrecy exerts on all parties involved in an affair.

• Paths to Healing: Gain insights into how understanding these factors can be a crucial step in the healing process for anyone impacted by infidelity.

💬 Reflection Question:

If trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, how has secrecy shaped mine?

Episode Resources:

• Personalised 1:1 Coaching: I can help you build a future you can trust. Visit the website to learn more - www.lifecoachlukecom

• Additional Reading: Explore articles including: Why Do People Cheat? - https://www.lifecoachluke.com/post/why-do-people-cheat

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast you're listening to episode number 86 and I'm your host Luke Shillings. I like to think of myself as your guide, a fellow traveller on this challenging yet somewhat enlightening journey.

In this podcast I hope to dive deep into the emotions and complexities that infidelity often stirs up with the aim of fostering understanding and a path to healing. Today our focus shifts to a common but often misunderstood aspect of infidelity. Why is it that affairs don't tend to work out in the long run? Now this might seem like an obvious question with an obvious answer and whether you're here to find comfort after betrayal, gain insights into your own behaviours or simply just to better understand the dynamics of relationships as a whole, this episode as always promises to shed light on some of the less discussed realities of affairs.

Before we get into today's episode if you have been listening to the podcast for a little while you might want to consider taking the experience further by joining the After The Affair Facebook community. It's designed specifically for anybody whose life has been impacted by infidelity and of course those who listen to the podcast to be able to expand on the discussions that we have here, maybe go into a little bit more detail. I offer a weekly live Q&A session where anybody can post questions either before or during the call and I will answer them individually.

One of the challenges I often face on the podcast although obviously I'm talking to you, is still the fact that when I'm sharing analogies and situations and examples it might not always fit your exact set of circumstances perfectly and this offers a bridge between the podcast and one-to-one coaching that is accessible to anybody who requires it. It is a private group and obviously anonymity is important to me and the members so please come and check it out. You can search for After The Affair with Luke Shillings on Facebook in the search facility or you can type directly into your web browser facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community and as always I'll pop the links in the show notes.

So affairs often begin with an intense spark, an almost magnetic allure that promises excitement and escape from the mundane aspects of daily life. It's the thrill of the new romance combined with the danger of the forbidden that can make an affair feel like it's straight out of a movie. However beneath this glossy surface lies a web of complexity and consequence.

Today I want to peel back the layers to explore the foundations of why these relationships started in secrecy and heightened emotions often falter when faced with the day-to-day realities of life. We'll look at their psychological underpinnings, their emotional impacts and the social dynamics that contribute to the fragile nature of relationships born from affairs. Statistics offer as a start reality check on the longevity of relationships that begin as affairs.

According to research conducted by the Institute for Family Studies the likelihood of marriages that start as affairs lasting long term is significantly lower than those that begin from a more conventional start. Specifically only about three to five percent of these relationships actually evolve into marriages and of those they are far more likely to end in divorce compared to marriages formed without the backdrop of infidelity. These numbers aren't just figures, they hint at the underlying instability and challenges that these relationships face right from their inception.

They serve as a sobering reminder that the initial thrill of an affair is rarely enough to build the foundation needed for a durable fulfilling partnership. One of the fundamental reasons for the instability of affairs is the foundation on which they are built. Unlike relationships that start with transparency and mutual understanding, affairs are often rooted in secrecy and deception.

This environment of concealment doesn't simply disappear once the affair becomes a public relationship, it kind of morphs into a lingering shadow that haunts the trust between the partners and trust as we know is not just another component of a relationship, it's the bedrock and rebuilding it once compromised is not only challenging but sometimes insurmountably difficult. So then the question arises, if a relationship starts with deceit, how can partners ever truly trust each other? This dilemma is a central theme in the failure of many affairs that turn into relationships. Now of course there are exceptions to every rule, but when we play with the elements of statistics then there tends to be one pattern that emerges and that is that relationships built on deceit do not last the test of time.

I've seen this personally in several cases where an affair has turned into a relationship but because of the circumstances in which it was created, when the normality of life returns and the routine, the mundane, all of the things that the affair once offered now start to dissipate, disappear, then you're left with just each other facing the same problems that you are likely to have been facing whence in your primary relationship, in your marriage. So it's not always quite as exciting or fulfilling, it's a bit like a fantasy in the sense that what we believe it would be like is rarely what it's actually like and one of the reasons therefore why relationships are not sustainable. Escapism.

It also plays a pivotal role in why affairs start and also why they falter. Many individuals turn to affairs as a form of escape from the dissatisfaction or the challenges that they face in their primary relationship or sometimes within themselves. It's a means to sidestep unresolved issues rather than confronting them directly.

What's crucial to understand here is that the affair is less about the person it is with and more about what it is a respite from. I've spoken before about the motivational triad. We seek pleasure, we avoid pain and we conserve energy.

Let me give you a simple example. You stand on the scales and you don't like the number that's looking back at you. It doesn't feel good and you don't like the thoughts that are going on in your mind when you see that number.

The emotion that you feel is something you want to get away from. So we seek pleasure because we're trying to avoid the pain. What does that pleasure look like? Well perhaps it looks like going into the kitchen and getting a glass of wine or maybe it's getting some snacks from the cupboard and then before you know it you're sat on the sofa under a duvet watching Netflix.

What effect does that have? Well in the short term it feels pretty good. Being under the duvet is comfortable. Drinking wine and watching Netflix is a distraction.

Consuming snacks, crisps, chocolate gives you a short-term dopamine hit. They all feel good and they take you away from that initial pain and discomfort, that initial emotional experience that you're having and you're kind of conserving energy in the process because these things are easy to do. They're easy access, they are quick and they feel good.

However, what's the long-term implications? Well if you spend your time sitting on the sofa, not moving, consuming more calories than your body requires and probably lower quality calories at best, then you're likely going to worsen your situation the next time you stand on the scales. So this really doesn't help. When we bring the analogy back to the affair then what does this look like? Well at home it doesn't feel good.

We're arguing with our partner. There's the mundane routine of everyday life, challenges with our children, problems with our own self-worth, a routine that we've been stuck in for years and years and years. We've become disconnected.

These problems aren't just going to fix themselves overnight. So that's uncomfortable. It's something we don't want to experience.

When a equivalent pleasure dopamine hit is available, whether we were seeking it or not, it's very appealing. That could take the form of sex which is pleasurable, connection which is nice, being heard is really valuable, plus the secrecy and the excitement that can come from having an affair. All of these things are very rewarding and don't take a great deal of effort.

In fact far less effort than many of us would perhaps imagine. In a modern society where we have the ability to communicate on many different platforms in many different ways, we're connected to people in a way that simply didn't exist a few decades ago, the ability to have these relationships relatively easily is there. It's there for the taking.

So it ticks all boxes of the motivational triad. We're avoiding the discomfort at home. We're seeking the pleasure from the affair and it's easier to do than ever.

So why do anything different? This reality comes to the fore when the initial euphoria dissipates and the same unresolved issues resurface. Without the foundation of genuine connection and facing these problems head-on, the relationship is always going to be set on a fragile ground and it often crumbles under the weight of the unmet expectations and the unresolved conflicts. Additionally the isolation that often accompanies affairs can be both social and emotional.

Individuals involved in affairs may find themselves distanced from their family and their friends. I saw this. I saw my wife and the affair partner isolate themselves not just from me of course but also from the people that surrounded them.

It was almost like they were in their own bubble and became kind of impenetrable in some way. I get it and but don't get me wrong I also recognise that any new relationship is not uncommon for a couple to become besotted with each other. We have that honeymoon period and yeah it's not unusual to reduce the amount of time you spend connecting with your with your friends or maybe even your family.

All of your focus really is on this new relationship. Still, there's something different when it comes to the same setting within an affair because unlike a normal new relationship where you feel all of these intense emotions for your partner, the same as you might do in an affair, you recognise that virtually everybody else does not see it that way. Therefore there is some shame and guilt to be carried with that. So when an affair does become emotionally distant this isolation can lead to increased emotional dependence on the affair partner which is not conducive to a healthy balanced relationship. Relationships like this are often bereft of broader support networks that are often vital to individual well-being and relational health and without these networks the relationship lacks the resilience to endure the inevitable challenges that it will face because all relationships are subject to challenges.

It's part of being human and this just further compounds the difficulty of transitioning from the affair to a stable long-term partnership and again this is another slightly different dynamic compared to that of a traditional relationship pairing whereby two people are making that connection, they're excited, maybe they are keeping it a little bit under wraps to begin with, that's not uncommon, but they're excited to then be able to announce it to the world if you like, to their friends and families that they've met somebody that they've fell for and really connected with and really see a future with. Somebody having the affair is much less likely to feel the same way about sharing their new relationship with their friends and family. It's complicated.

The emotional toll of maintaining an affair should not be underestimated. The secrecy required to keep an affair hidden can lead to significant stress and anxiety and although it might have been fun and easy to begin with, as it continues that becomes less fun and much more frightening, particularly if real feelings, deeper feelings start to form for the affair partner and there's a potential reality that your primary relationship might actually come to an end. Everybody's motivations are different and everybody's situation is different.

There is no one definitive path but of course this affects not just the individuals involved but also it does affect the people around them, including of course their unknowing partners and families. This stress can manifest in various ways. It starts to potentially show up as sleep disturbances, anxiety, depression and even physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues.

The burden of guilt for the betrayal and the constant fear of discovery can erode somebody's mental health, leading to a diminished capacity for joy and connection in any relationship, be that the affair or the original. But here's where we pivot to understanding and healing. If you're listening today because you've been touched by the consequences of an affair, either as someone who has stepped outside of the relationship or as a partner who's been betrayed, knowing that this understanding of why affairs struggle can be a powerful step in your healing journey.

Recognising that an affair is often more about what you're running from rather than what you're running towards can open up avenues for deeper self-reflection. It's not just about condemning actions but understanding them to prevent future pain and to pave the way for healthier relationships ahead. Think of the example I offered earlier who can relate to that not feeling good about your weight and then going to fill your face with chocolate and crisps and alcohol as a reward.

You know that's something that although it might look slightly different for each individual, it's something that we can relate to and when looked at through the lens of the motivational triad it's something we can actually understand. Now of course when we move that on to an affair, well it's the same emotional neural networks that are at play. It's the same experience.

It's just about something that we've decided is morally incorrect. Now just for the sake of offering perspective we might think well yeah an affair is worse than going to the cupboard and overeating. But that really is about perspective.

What if you are a parent, a young parent, and you are not dealing with your emotions, you're consistently overeating, really unhealthily, oversized portions, drinking too much. What effect is that having on your health? What impact is that having on your life longevity? Are you likely to, for example, get diabetes? Are there going to be other health implications that may potentially either shorten your life or have significant impacts on your quality of life? How does that impact the people around you? How does that impact your children, your friends, your family? So it's very easy for us to make a quick judgement based on what is morally okay and what is morally not okay. But I think sometimes we also need to be able to zoom out a little bit and just have a look at the wider picture and recognise that we are all human.

We're all being driven by emotion. We all experience emotion. Some of us avoid it, some of us resist it, some of us react to it.

But some of us also have the ability, in fact, no, we all have the ability to allow it, to let it be there and not let it dictate our actions. The moral element can be popped to one side and we can maybe just appreciate humans for who they are, regardless of the decisions they make, even if those decisions are poor. My point is we're not trying to justify the behaviour of betrayal.

You know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, hopefully that is quite clear. And if this is the first time you're listening, then well, first of all, welcome. It's great to have you here.

But really what I'm trying to do is offer a neutral perspective on the situation. Because when we heighten it with emotion, it makes the experience much harder to endure. But when we start to diffuse the things that we witness, the behaviours of other people, and we start to look at them through a more calm, natural, neutral perspective, then it actually makes our experience a lot easier, too.

And then we can act from a place that we feel proud of, that's in a line with our values. We're making decisions through choice, not reaction. And remember that Affair Recovery isn't just about dealing with the aftermath of the relationship that was involved in the affair, but also about healing the personal wounds that made the affair seem like a viable option in the first place.

This is where personal growth really happens. It's about asking the tough questions, facing uncomfortable truths, and making conscious choices about who we want to be and how we want to relate to others. Healing is not just a process of moving past pain, but moving into a new understanding of yourself and forging healthier, more authentic connections.

And if this process feels overwhelming, well, you're not alone. And seeking support from a professional who understands the nuances of infidelity can make a significant difference. As a relationship coach myself, specialising in this topic, I offer personalised support to help those who really are looking to better understand the dynamics that led to the affair, to work through the emotions tied to it, and to build a roadmap for a healthier relational future.

Whether it's through one-to-one coaching, resources like this podcast, free downloads, the Facebook community that I offer, know that there is support available for you. I want to thank you all again for spending your time with me today. If this discussion has resonated with you, or if you know somebody that it might benefit from hearing it, then please, I encourage you to share this episode.

Infidelity is a deeply personal yet universally challenging experience, and understanding its dynamics can really light the path to recovery. So let's continue this journey together with openness and compassion, supporting each other in transforming our pain into power, and really growing into a place that we can be proud of. So until next time, take care of yourselves and each other, and remember it's not just about moving on, it's about moving forward smarter, stronger, with greater empathy.

Thank you for joining me, and I look forward to speaking to you all again next week.