83. Contemplating Infidelity: The Weight of Unseen Thoughts in Relationships

In this introspective episode of "After the Affair," join me, Luke Shillings, as I take a closer look at the impact of our innermost thoughts on our relationships, especially in the context of infidelity. "Contemplating Infidelity" explores not just the actions that betray trust but the unseen thoughts in relationships that precede them.

I examine the moral and emotional weight these thoughts carry, their influence on our relationships, and how understanding them can lead to deeper connection and healing.

Key Takeaways:

• The Nature of Thought in Relationships: How every action in a relationship begins as a thought, and the implications of this process.

• The Ethical Dimensions of Thoughts: A philosophical perspective on whether thoughts can carry the same moral weight as actions, particularly in terms of fidelity.

• The Impact of Unacted Thoughts: How unvoiced desires and considerations can influence relationship dynamics, often more than we realize.

• Transformative Power of Thoughts: Strategies for acknowledging, managing, and transforming thoughts to strengthen relationships and foster intimacy.

• Proactive Communication Techniques: Practical advice on creating a dialogue about needs and desires to prevent emotional distances before they start.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you ever experienced thoughts that felt heavier than actions? How did they impact your relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 83 and I'm your host Luke Shillings. Today I want to explore a slightly more philosophical topic.

One that challenges us to examine the very nature of our thoughts and our actions. It's a reflective look at how our inner life influences our outer actions especially in the high-stakes arena of intimate relationships. In the aftermath of an affair we often grapple with not just the tangible breaches of trust but also the intangible realm of thoughts and intentions.

It raises a pivotal question. What is the weight of a thought and how does it compare to the weight of an action? Let's start by considering a fundamental idea in both philosophy and psychology. The notion that every action begins with a thought.

If we think back to the topics I've discussed in earlier episodes it's our thinking that creates our feelings and our feelings drive our actions. Therefore indirectly our thoughts are ultimately responsible for our actions. But not every thought translates into an action and this is a crucial distinction.

Each day countless thoughts pass through our minds. Some say as many as 60,000 thoughts a day. Some fleeting, some profound, some more trivial.

When it comes to infidelity the spectrum of thoughts that individuals might experience is, well, wide-ranging to say the least. This could include anything from a vague sense of dissatisfaction with the current relationship to specific fantasies or attractions towards someone outside of the partnership. These thoughts in themselves are a natural part of the human experience, an acknowledgement of our capacity to imagine alternatives and reflect on our own desires and our own needs.

But here lies a critical question. Although these thoughts can be unsettling, do they carry the same moral weight as actions? It's a question that many have tried to answer before. Traditionally moral responsibility is often attached more significantly to our actions than our thoughts.

This is because actions have direct consequences. They affect the world and the people around us in very tangible ways. For instance if you commit a crime then there is some suffering, some cause, some impact to the individual that the crime was committed against.

Maybe they have a loss of belongings, maybe they have a sense of a loss of safety, they have damaged property, maybe they've become injured or worse. And the same with infidelity. The act of physically engaging in an affair alters the reality of a relationship.

It breaks established commitments and boundaries and levels of trust. However, while thoughts do not alter physical reality, they have the potential to transform the emotional and psychological landscape of a relationship. If a partner indulges in these thoughts without restraint, allowing them to influence mood, behaviour or how they treat their significant other, the thoughts begin to carry a weight that might approach that of the physical actions.

They can create a parallel emotional reality where one partner is mentally and emotionally distant or disengaged from the relationship even if no physical infidelity occurs. Also the ethical weight of these thoughts can also be contextual. In some relationships emotional fidelity is as valued as physical fidelity.

Here even the mere presence of these thoughts, if obsessive and persistent, might be considered a breach of the trust and intimacy that bind the relationship. It becomes essential then to not only manage but also communicate about these thoughts. It's important to note that having these thoughts does not inevitably lead to infidelity though.

They can also serve as a signal, a symptom of underlying issues within the relationship that may be need addressing, perhaps as a lack of connection, differing needs or other personal or mutual dissatisfactions. Recognising and discussing these thoughts openly can be an opportunity for both partners to understand each other far better and strengthen their relationship rather than letting those thoughts silently weigh you down or potentially derail the bond. In essence, while actions in infidelity are clearly impactful and carry a straightforward moral weight, thoughts, though less visible and tangible, hold a profound capacity to influence the emotional and ethical dimensions of a relationship.

It's in understanding and navigating these thoughts wisely that both partners can truly address the foundations of their relationship's health and its longevity. Historically, philosophers have debated this. Some argue that we are only morally responsible for our actions, the things that we manifest in the world.

Others suggest that our thoughts, the precursors to these actions, are just as significant. This becomes particularly complex in the context of emotional infidelity, where the line between thought and action can, well, blur. In relationships, it's not just the actions of infidelity that wound, it's also the secrecy, the emotional withdrawals and the unshared thoughts that create the distance.

Here, the weight of a thought can sometimes feel as heavy as that of an action, because in love, intimacy is not just about physical closeness, but emotional transparency. So why do thoughts about infidelity occur in the first place? This is a question that not only taps into the complexities of human desires, but also into the very dynamics that sustain or strain a relationship. Psychological theories provide us with several insights into this phenomenon.

Firstly, unmet needs within a relationship are a common trigger. These needs can vary widely, from emotional connection and intimacy, to excitement and validation. When these needs are not fulfilled by the partnership, and let me just point out there, I say the partnership, not the partner.

It's the relationship that the one person who is experiencing it, bearing in mind that a relationship is predominantly one person's thoughts about the other thing, the thing that they are in relationship with, in this case their partner, it's not their partner that is at fault, it's just the quality of the relationship and the way that each of them are communicating their needs. So when these needs are not fulfilled by the relationship, or the partnership, the mind may begin to wander, seeking to fulfil these needs elsewhere. It's not necessarily about seeking someone better, but about seeking what is perceived, at least, to be missing.

Similarly, desires for affirmation also play a crucial role. Everyone needs to feel valued and appreciated, and sometimes, in long-term relationships, partners may feel taken for granted. Thoughts of infidelity can then emerge, often as just a fantasy initially, of maybe being deeply desired or prioritised by someone else.

This isn't just about physical attraction, but more about the affirmation of the individual's value and worth. Another trigger is escape from relationship stress or difficulties. Often, there's an association if we're feeling stressed in life.

We take it out on the people closest to us, and therefore, it can sometimes seem that it's the relationship itself that's causing the stress, when actually, that's just where it's sort of most present, because we've become most intensely involved with the people that we are closest to. When the relationship faces unresolved conflicts or communication barriers, the idea of an affair might appear as a temporary sanctuary, an escape into a less demanding or a more understanding emotional environment. This doesn't excuse the thoughts, but understanding this can provide critical insights into the pressures within the relationship.

Recognising why these thoughts surface can indeed be painful. It forces us to confront uncomfortable truths about our relationship and, of course, ourselves. Yet, this recognition is also illuminating.

It serves as a call to introspection and communication. It compels us to look deeper into our relationships and address what is unvoiced and unresolved. This is where the potential for growth really lies.

By confronting these thoughts directly, by bringing them into open discussion with our partners, we can begin to heal and strengthen our bonds. It's about turning a moment of potential crisis into a stepping stone for deeper understanding and intimacy. Discussing unmet needs, desires for affirmation and the sources of stress can help both partners understand each other better and craft a more fulfilling relationship.

Therefore, while the emergence of thoughts about infidelity can be unsettling, they also offer an opportunity, a chance to realign our desires with our reality, to communicate more openly and to deepen the connection that originally brought us together. By addressing these thoughts head-on, we not only prevent potential harm but also pave the way for healthier, more resilient relationships. Now, let's talk about the burden these thoughts carry.

When we entertain the thoughts of what might have been or nurture feelings for someone outside our committed relationship, it can become a heavy, silent burden. These are not just fleeting daydreams over time. They can start to weigh on us, affecting how we feel and how we act within our own relationship.

This weight isn't just about guilt or secrecy, though these are significant aspects. It's also about the emotional energy that these thoughts consume. Energy that could otherwise be invested in our relationship becomes diverted.

We may find ourselves distracted, less present or even irritable or discontented without really fully understanding why. These unacted thoughts often have a profound impact. They shape our emotions, our perspectives and eventually our relationship dynamics.

If these thoughts are of dissatisfaction or attraction to another, they might affect how we view our own partners, highlighting their flaws and diminishing their virtues. This can create a cycle where the relationship seems increasingly unsatisfying, simply because we're comparing it to an idealised fantasy. Yet there's a transformative aspect to understanding the weight of a thought.

Recognising the power of our thoughts gives us control over them. By acknowledging these thoughts and their potential consequences, we empower ourselves to make conscious choices. We can choose which thoughts to nurture and which to let pass.

This is where self-awareness becomes pivotal. Developing self-awareness allows us to recognise when our thoughts may be leading us astray. It enables us to actively decide against actions that could harm our relationship and instead we can choose to foster thoughts that build trust and intimacy.

This might mean consciously redirecting our attention when we notice our thoughts wandering, particularly if it's towards something that isn't in our relationship, and instead focussing on appreciating exactly what is. Think of it as a mental discipline, training your mind to recognise, resist and redirect. It's about cultivating gratitude for what your partner brings to your life and what you share together.

By doing so, we not only alleviate the weight of these thoughts but transform them into opportunities for strengthening our bonds. We replace fantasies with commitments to making our current relationships as fulfilling as they can be. This isn't just theoretical, it's practical.

It involves everyday decisions. When you catch yourself dwelling on a fantasy, challenge yourself to bring to mind a cherished memory with your partner or plan a new meaningful experience to share together. Each act of turning towards your partner rather than away builds a stronger foundation for your relationship.

So as we navigate these internal landscapes, let's remember the transformative power of self-awareness and the choice it gives us. By mastering our thoughts, we not only unburden ourselves but we also enhance our capacity to love, to connect and to thrive within our committed relationships. Now for those of you who are listening and might be thinking, this is all well and good, but if I don't know that my partner is having thoughts about having an affair, about infidelity, what can I do about it? And that's a very valid and a deeply concerning question.

It speaks to the heart of trust and communication within the relationship. Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that you can't control or always know your partner's thoughts. And to some extent, I don't think you would actually want to, for two reasons.

One, let's just consider what it would be like if somebody knew your every thought. How would that feel? How unsettling would that be if you could actually have every single thought you ever had exposed to another person? It's likely that that would make you uncomfortable and therefore it seems unreasonable to want the same in return. But there is something powerful that you can do, which is to create an environment where open communication in general is not just encouraged but it's kind of the norm.

Start by nurturing a relationship where both of you feel safe discussing difficult topics and that can include things like attraction to others. But this isn't about encouraging confession of wandering thoughts per se, but rather about maintaining an ongoing dialogue about each person's needs, each person's desires and concerns. It's about creating a space where sharing does not lead to immediate judgement or retribution, but instead to understand and mutually grow together.

Encourage regular check-ins with your partner, even if they don't seem that receptive. Just by having these little moments of connection it can be enough to just over time start to implement and impact the way that you communicate together as a couple. These can be weekly or monthly sit-downs where you both share your feelings about the relationship, discuss what's going well and what might need more attention.

It's not just about airing grievances but also about celebrating what you love about each other and what you value in your partnership. To some people this may seem very uncomfortable, but when done carefully and just in a general conversational manner it can actually be very natural and a lot of fun. And it doesn't have to be a chore, it doesn't have to be something, oh here we go again, here's my partner asking all these questions again about what the relationship's like, I just feel like I'm giving standard responses all the time.

It doesn't need to be like that. We're just trying to understand each other, we're just trying to see what makes each other tick. Because it's very easy to be in a long-term relationship and think that we know what our partner is thinking.

It's like well yeah but I know them so well, I know my husband or my wife better than anybody. I know exactly how they're going to react in any given situation. I can assure you, like with almost 100% certainty, you have little to no idea what's going on inside your partner's mind.

And if we were to all just apply some curiosity and to drop the need for applying meaning to everything that our partner does, thinks and says and we just really try to understand them for who they are, why they think and see the world the way they do, that in itself just creates deeper connection. It creates emotional intimacy and it strengthens the bond. It also decreases the reasons or excuses or possibilities that that person may want to explore things externally.

So really encouraging these sort of check-ins in a format that works for you is something that I highly recommend. Another powerful tool is to engage in activities that build intimacy and trust. This could be regular date nights, shared hobbies or even couples therapy.

Couples therapy or activities like this don't necessarily need to be when there's problems in the relationship. They can be a way of finding a deeper connection and understanding our partners on a deeper level and could actually be quite fun. They're investments in the health of the resilience of your relationship.

And lastly, cultivate your emotional independence. While it's natural to feel vulnerable in the face of potential infidelity, strengthening your own emotional health ensures that you are more equipped to handle challenges that come. It also models positive behaviour to your partner, showing them that the benefits of being open and emotionally mature really do strengthen the relationship.

It actually only takes one person to change in a unsatisfied or dissatisfied relationship to make the difference. And you really would be surprised at that. There's this belief that it requires both people to change.

And that really isn't always true. By focussing on these proactive steps, you're not just passively waiting to find out if your partner has wandering thoughts. You're actively strengthening your relationship and setting a standard for openness and trust.

Remember, it's about building a partnership where both of you feel valued, both of you feel understood and deeply connected. To everybody listening, everybody who's been touched by the shadow of infidelity, whether through thought or action, remember this. Healing starts with the internal landscape of our minds.

Our thoughts, though weighty, are within our power to change. By guiding them with intention and care, we can heal and redefine our relationships. In closing, the weight of a thought in the context of infidelity is significant.

It can burden or liberate. It can destruct or construct. As we navigate these delicate terrains, let's strive for thoughts that uphold the integrity of our commitments and foster deeper connections for those we love.

Thank you once again for joining me on this more philosophical exploration today on the After the Affair podcast. I look forward to our next journey together where we will continue to find healing and understanding in the wake of betrayal. Thank you ever so much again for being with me today.

If you have found this episode useful, or any of the other episodes that you've listened to of mine, then please, please write a review, leave a rating on the platform, podcast platform that you use. It really is appreciated and helps it get in front of those who need it most. And I know that you know what that feels like.

So yeah, thank you in advance. I look forward to speaking to you all again next week.