81. Your Wife is Having an Affair. I Know Because it's with My Husband

When you've been betrayed, the pain is overwhelming, and often, it leaves you with more questions than answers. One of the most emotionally charged questions is whether to contact the spouse of your partner’s affair partner. Should they know? Would you want to know if the roles were reversed?

In this episode, I unpack this delicate topic, sharing real-life perspectives, potential consequences, and the psychological and ethical complexities behind this decision. You’ll discover tools to help you clarify your motivations and find a path that supports your healing, whether you choose to disclose or not.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand the emotional motivations behind wanting to contact the affair partner's spouse, and whether they support your healing or hinder it.

• Learn the difference between revenge-driven action and values-led disclosure.

• Explore the serious emotional and legal risks involved in revealing an affair to a third party.

• Discover alternatives to disclosure that prioritise your growth, boundaries, and recovery (when your wife is having an affair).

• Receive practical steps and questions to help you make an intentional, values-aligned decision in this painful situation.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you ever considered telling the other spouse? What stopped you or drove you to take action?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello everybody and welcome back you're listening to The After The Affair podcast. This is episode number 81 and I'm your host Luke Shillings.

Now last week we spoke about a challenging question that I know many of you have faced and that is whether you should contact the affair partner. Now as promised at the end of the episode last week I suggested that I was going to also approach the question of whether as the betrayed spouse you should contact the husband or wife of the affair partner. So that's exactly what we're going to discuss today.

Now before I get into the the nooks and crannies of it I want to share a couple of stories that I found while researching in preparation for this episode. The first comes from a piece written back in 2014. I'll include any links that I referenced to in the show notes if you want to read the full articles yourself but this particular one said, I would want to know if a boyfriend cheated because to me it's 100% a deal-breaker.

It doesn't matter how much I love someone or would want a life with him, cheating would tell me that he's not who I thought he was. That's something I'd want to know so I could make decisions about my love life with as much pertinent information as possible. I know there are people out there who would never cheat and even if my relationship seemed really great besides my boyfriend hooking up with some other girl I'd actually want to go find one.

The most popular reason I've heard for not wanting to know is that it could just be a one-time mistake. In that case people argue what's the point of potentially torpedoing a relationship for something that will never happen again but for me it would be enough that it happened once. I'd never be able to trust that it was the only one time.

I know there are exceptions but I think once a cheater always a cheater is true quite often but some people have blissful relationships that they wouldn't want to ruin for something that could be a one-time indiscretion. Another article in Australia's ABC discovered that even though 82% of people surveyed told them that if they knew someone was being cheated on that they would tell them, when it came down to it actually happening only 53% actually did and it's this disparity that really validates how complex infidelity can be. Here's just some of the things that were said.

If it was one of my close friends being cheated on and I knew I'd a hundred percent tell them. Give the cheater time to admit before you say something yourself. Never put your nose in someone else's relationship you just don't know a hundred percent of the truth.

I don't tell them if they're married or my friend is the one cheating. I've always found out about people outside my inner circle. I tell those inside it.

Involve me in your lies. End of friendship. If I was being cheated on I'd rather hear from them not someone else.

To me if you don't speak up it feels the same as if you've witnessed a crime and not reported it. It just feels wrong. As you can see this is incredibly challenging and there are very varied opinions.

There is no ultimate right or wrong as to whether you should or shouldn't let somebody know if they're being cheated on and ultimately that is the question you know would you even want to know? And of course you do know which is why you're listening to me talking about this topic and you're experiencing intense intense emotional pain as a result of that. If the affair was a one-night stand does that change things? If it was something like porn rather than sexual encounters does that change things? Again if we think back to previous episodes about what actually defines an affair when is it actually betrayal? When is it actually infidelity? There is no definitive agreed point that says this is and this isn't. It's very unique and subjective to each individual situation.

Sometimes maybe there are situations where if there was something that happened let's say you've been married for 20 years and it turns out that your partner had a one-night stand 15 years ago. They've kept it secret. Nobody else ever found out.

Nothing else became of it. There was a few messages that happened in the following days but ultimately it fizzled out and you've been happily married since. You've brought up children.

Yeah okay a marriage might have had a few ups and downs and there's been some moments of uncertainty but now would you want to know? Would you actually want to know? How would it feel if the partner of that person back then finally decided today was the day that they were going to send you that letter. They were going to turn up at your front door let you know what a absolutely selfish betraying person your husband or wife is based on this thing that happened many years ago. So I think it's worth considering the individual situation and as I've discussed many times on the podcast when it comes to infidelity although there are a lot of common themes every situation every relationship is extremely nuanced.

It's extremely unique to you and your specific experience and it's because of this that it makes it very difficult to make a true judgement as to whether contacting the affair partner's husband or wife is actually the right decision. Because what other things might we consider? So before we go any further let's set the stage. Let's set a scenario that we can agree on and then explore whether we think collectively it is a situation where we should inform the affair partner's husband or wife or not.

So let's assume that you are the betrayed partner. We know that our partner is having or has had an affair with a married person or a person that's in a long-term committed relationship and we believe that their partner is unaware of the affair. Do we reach out and tell them? So let's start by trying to understand the motivations for doing so.

When faced with the aftermath of infidelity the array of emotions and subsequent decisions can feel overwhelming. This is not a decision to be taken lightly as it carries the potential to significantly impact the lives of all the parties involved. So let's delve into the motivations that might lead someone to consider taking that leap.

Maybe it's to seek justice. For many the desire to reach out to the AP's spouse stems from a sense of justice. When we're wronged there's a natural inclination to want to rectify the situation.

Informing the AP's spouse can feel like a step towards a addressing the imbalance created by the affair. It's seen as a way to ensure that the consequences of the betrayal are fully realised by all of those who caused the harm. Another motivation is the belief in the right of the AP's spouse to know the truth about their partner's actions.

This perspective is rooted in empathy and a sense of duty to inform someone of something that would significantly affect their life and their choices. It's the thought that if roles were reversed you would want to know the truth regardless of the pain it might bring. Or is that true? Maybe it's to seek closure.

For some reaching out to the AP's spouse is a step towards personal closure. It can be a way to close the chapter on the affair by ensuring that all the secrets are out in the open. This action is often seen as the final step in letting go of the betrayal and moving forward.

Maybe there's the desire to just do what feels morally right. Many struggle with the moral implications of their knowledge about the affair. Keeping such a secret can feel like complicity in the hurt caused by the affair.

And for those who value honesty and integrity, sharing the truth with the affair partner's spouse can be seen as fulfilling a moral obligation to do the right thing, regardless of the potential fallout. This can be even further complicated when we know these people well. Maybe they were existing friends or family members or neighbours.

As you can see, each of these motivations carries its own set of complexities. It's crucial to approach this decision with a deep sense of empathy and consideration for all of the individuals involved, including yourself. The emotions driving the desire to inform the AP's spouse are valid and they're understandable.

However, it's important to carefully weigh the potential consequences of such an action. You might want to think you could predict how things will play out when you share this information, but I can assure you, you cannot. There is no way of knowing how the other person may or may not react in their given scenario.

The impact on the affair partner's spouse, the dynamics within their family and the repercussions for, well, for everybody, including your own healing journey, must be considered. Now let's shift the needle a bit and focus on the potential benefits and the potential risks of actually going ahead and doing this. So we'll start with the benefits.

Providing the AP's spouse with crucial information is one of the most compelling reasons to consider informing them, and it's this belief that they have the right to know the truth about their partner's actions. This information could be crucial for them to make informed decisions about their life and their relationship. It's about respecting their autonomy and offering them the dignity of truth, despite the painful nature of the revelations.

Again, we spoke briefly before in terms of motivation about morals. Well, one of the benefits is this sense of moral duty that's been fulfilled, and for many the act of informing the AP's spouse is seen as fulfilling that moral obligation. This stems from a place of integrity and a belief in doing something right, even when it's difficult.

There's a sense of personal relief and moral satisfaction that can come from acting in accordance with your own values, especially in a situation that tests those principles so deeply. Then maybe there's the potential prevention of further betrayal. By bringing the affair out into the open, you might be preventing further deceit and betrayal within the AP's marriage.

Although it's a difficult pill to swallow, the truth can be a catalyst for change, both for the individuals directly involved in the affair and for their respective partners. This act can potentially halt a cycle of lies and deceit where they're being attacked from both sides, offering all parties a chance to address the underlying issues and move forward, whether that's together or apart. But of course it comes with risks too.

There is serious risk of increased emotional distress. Taking the step to inform them can reopen wounds of your own or exacerbate the emotional turmoil you're already experiencing. The anticipation of the conversation, coupled with uncertainty about the outcome, can really heighten anxiety and stress.

It's a pain that might lead you through a complete depth of emotion, including guilt, anger and sorrow, as you navigate these difficult conversations. Maybe it could entangle you further in the affair partner's marital issues. By bringing the affair to light, there's a risk of becoming inadvertently involved in the personal and marital conflicts of the affair partner.

What starts as an intention to inform can spiral quickly into a situation where you're seen as a participant in their drama, facing accusations, denials and perhaps the emotional fallout from both parties involved. Maybe the affair partner's spouse might see you as the enemy. You weren't a good enough partner to your husband, which is why they cheated and found their partner.

It gets really complicated really quickly. This can lead to such a difficult, complex web of interactions that really might detract from your own healing process. There is, of course, a risk of retaliation or an unwanted confrontation.

The reaction to such sensitive information is unpredictable. There's just no way of knowing how that person may react or how their spouse may react when they discover, you know, this could also turn to anger, violence and all kinds of potential uncertainties. There's this potential for retaliation from the AP or their spouse, which can manifest in so many different forms.

It could be legal action, harassment or even just public defamation. Additionally, the emotional charge of the situation could lead to confrontations that may not only be uncomfortable, but potentially unsafe. In weighing the risks and benefits, it's crucial to consider the broader implications of such a decision on your well-being and the lives of others.

The decision to inform the AP's spouse is deeply personal and requires careful contemplation of these factors that I've listed and many, many more. Moving forward, we'll explore some strategies to help navigate this decision-making process, ensuring that you're supported in making a choice that aligns with your values and the path to healing that you've chosen for yourself. Remember, this is about you, not them.

However, before we do, I want to consider one more thing, and that's the ethical considerations. When contemplating the revelation of an affair, the ethical implications are profound and multifaceted. At the heart of this decision lies the question of intention.

It's crucial to examine the true motives behind the desire to disclose the affair. This introspection can reveal whether the impulse is driven by a desire for revenge or genuine sense of duty to inform the unaware party. The distinction is vital, as actions rooted in vengeance can lead to further harm and regret, while those founded on a sense of moral obligation tend to aim for the greater good, despite the immediate pain they may cause.

So, intention and its importance? Well, the intention behind revealing the affair significantly influences the ethical justification of the action. If the motive is revenge, this action risks being ethically problematic, as it seeks to harm rather than to heal or inform. Conversely, if it's a disclosure that stems from a sense of duty, to offer the affair partner's spouse the truth so they can make informed decisions about their life, it aligns more closely with ethical principles of honesty and respect for autonomy.

This distinction is critical in navigating the moral landscape of this decision. When we think back to some of my early episodes, I think probably number seven I think it was, don't mention the f-word and we start talking about feelings. And what are the most common things that people do with their feelings? Well, if you can recall that far back, most people tend to react, resist or avoid their emotions.

Well, in this specific scenario, what we're doing could be reacting. We could be not willing to face the emotional discomfort that we're experiencing and we're wanting to outsource that emotional discomfort as quickly as possible, so that we don't have to feel. So, we react to the situation and one of the potential things is to cause as much pain and harm to the affair partner by informing their spouse or partner.

But of course, that's not the only person we'd potentially be hurting. We'd also be hurting the affair partner's spouse themselves. What about their kids, their family or their friends, their society? Okay, yes, maybe from a moral perspective that's not your problem.

After all, you're not the one that cheated. I get it. But what makes you think that you are the most appropriate person to share that information? Now, maybe you are.

Maybe you're the only person that could share that information. This is why this question, this concept, this idea is so difficult. And one of the things that I think is really important is getting very clear on why you want to do this or what you hope to achieve from it.

In fact, some of the questions that we posed last week apply here too. Regardless of the intention, the manner in which the information is conveyed is paramount. Approaching the situation with sensitivity and respect is essential.

This includes considering the timing, the setting and the language used to communicate the truth. The goal should be to minimise unnecessary hurt, respecting the dignity and vulnerability of all parties involved. It's about finding the most compassionate way to deliver a painful truth, ensuring that the approach is as considerate and gentle as possible.

The decision to disclose the affair should also take into account the potential impact on everybody involved, including the affair partner, the affair partner's spouse, both sets of families and particularly any children who may be affected. The well-being of children should be a paramount concern as they often are the most vulnerable to the repercussions of such revelations. It's important to consider how this information will affect their emotional psychological health and to weigh this heavily in the decision-making process.

While the ethical imperative to be truthful is strong, it must be balanced with compassion and empathy for those who will be affected by the revelation. This balance is delicate and requires careful thought and consideration. It's about striving to do the right thing in a way that causes the least harm, acknowledging the complexity and the potential for unintended consequences.

In summary, the ethical considerations surrounding the disclosure of an affair are, well, complicated, requiring a thoughtful and nuanced approach. Much like every other element of an affair, it's about more than just the act of revealing the truth. It's about considering the intentions behind this decision, the manner in which is executed and the wide-ranging impact it may have.

As we navigate these ethical waters, the guiding principles should be honesty, respect, sensitivity and the profound consideration for the well-being of all individuals involved. If you've got this far and are finding it a little bit confusing, then that's understandable. It is complicated and that's why this episode is probably a little bit longer than normal because there are so many nuances to it and it's also such an important thing to consider.

So let's consider some practical advice. This process of revealing it should be handled with the utmost care, discretion and preparation. So here are some steps to consider that could help you guide your actions if this is the decision that you have chosen to take.

First, I would ensure that before taking any steps it's absolutely imperative to have concrete evidence of the affair. Relaying suspicions or hearsay can lead to unnecessary harm and confusion. Evidence should be indisputable and clear, minimising the chance of denial or misinterpretation.

However, it's also essential to consider the privacy and in some cases even the legality of how this evidence was obtained and whether sharing it respects these boundaries. The manner in which you choose to disclose the information is also significant and each method has its nuances and its implications. In person, direct of course and potentially more humane, but can be emotionally challenging and may not always be safe or practical.

How about a letter? Well this could allow you to carefully consider your words and gives the receiver space to process the information privately. However, it can also feel impersonal or even invasive depending on the circumstances. Maybe anonymously, this of course would protect your identity and can reduce the potential backlash.

However, it may also cause the receiver to question the credibility of the information and who it's actually coming from. Consider which method aligns with your intentions and the potential impact of the affair partner's spouse. Can you anticipate what reactions you're going to get from the affair partner's spouse? Will it be denial, anger or maybe even gratitude? Prepare yourself emotionally for these possible outcomes.

Understanding that their response is not a reflection of your worth or character but a natural reaction to painful news is something that you have experienced yourself. It's beneficial to mentally rehearse these scenarios, perhaps with a trusted friend or even a professional, to better prepare for the emotional toll this conversation may have on you and its longer-term repercussions. Whether you're the one disclosing the information or the one receiving it, professional support really can be invaluable.

Encourage the AP's spouse to seek counselling or support and consider doing so yourself if you're not already. A professional can offer guidance, emotional support and strategies, in addition with the kind of things that I discuss on the podcast, to help you better cope with the fallout of such disclosure. They can also help navigate the complex emotions and decisions that follow such revelations.

In addition, it might be wise to consider the timing of your disclosure. Choosing a moment that doesn't compound existing stresses can help mitigate additional distress for the AP's spouse. Also, think about providing resources or suggesting support networks that could offer immediate emotional support.

After all, you might be a little bit further along their journey. Again, approaching the situation with empathy, preparation and a clear understanding of your motivations and the potential consequences can really help ensure that your actions lead to the most constructive outcome possible if this is the decision that you choose to take. Remember, this process is fraught with emotional complexity and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

What matters most is that your approach is thoughtful, respectful and considerate. Okay, now what about alternatives to directly contacting the AP's spouse? The discovery of an affair is a profound emotional blow. Directing your energy towards your personal healing is a crucial step.

This might involve engaging in activities that promote your emotional and physical well-being, setting boundaries to protect your peace and giving yourself permission to grieve and heal at your own pace. Healing is deeply personal and it's about finding out what's truly there to support your journey towards peace and recovery rather than directing all of that energy into some other endeavour, in this case potentially informing the AP's spouse. Again, seeking with professional support can provide a structured and supportive space to process your emotions and your experiences.

I offer this service myself to one-to-one clients, in which case I'll be more than obviously happy to have a discussion with you if that's something that you'd like to explore and whether it be through a coach like myself, a therapist or a counsellor, these methods can be instrumental in navigating through the betrayal, offering insights and coping strategies that are tailored to your individual needs. A professional can also guide you through the decision-making process about informing the affair partner's spouse, ensuring that any action taken aligns with your best interests and long-term healing. Remember today in this episode what I've tried to do is share a mutual response, ideas, suggestions for both sides of the discussion.

It is complicated and I'm sure that as you've been listening to this there'll be parts of you thinking, oh yeah that's it, I'm definitely gonna do it, I'm definitely gonna do it, and then it's like, oh yeah but I haven't really thought about that bit. And that's why it is complicated, that's why there is no straightforward answer. Sharing your feelings and thoughts with a trusted friend can also offer immediate emotional relief and support.

It's vital to choose someone that you can listen with empathy and maybe somebody who'll offer sensible advice rather than definitive instructions and ultimately provide you with a sense of comfort without judgement. The right friend will respect your confidentiality and offer the supportive space you need to express and process your feelings. Using this time, this situation, this experience to really invest in your own personal growth can be transformative.

It's a challenging time but it's an amazing opportunity for a new you, a new perspective on life and a new perspective on your relationships. Whether it is pursuing new hobbies, learning new skills or engaging in self-improvement activities, focussing on your growth can really reinforce your sense of self and help you build a fulfilling life post-betrayal. I tend to work with two groups of people, one who are just trying to deal with the immediate aftermath of the affair and then also people who have recognised this as such a significant shifting point in their life they're wanting to revisit all elements of their experience.

It was only this week that I received a lovely testimonial from one of my former clients. I'll share a portion of it here. When I first met Luke I was suffering from long-term low self-esteem which was exasperated by recent infidelity by my partner.

Luke listened to my story and then provided me with the tools to understand and address the root cause of my issues. For the first time since my childhood I feel free to live my life in a positive way and I can't thank him enough. My experience has been absolutely life-changing.

This demonstrates that what we're looking at here, what we're using in this experience of betrayal really can be a catalyst for significant change and growth within yourself. There is no better time to start. So if you want to explore what that might look like for you then please reach out.

Visit lifecoachluke.com, book a discovery call. I'll leave a link in the show notes or if you prefer feel free to email me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com. Now it's no surprise that this episode's gone on for a bit longer than normal and I still feel like there is so much more that I could say on the topic. So instead of continuing on I can perhaps add this into a future episode but for now I just want to ask you a few questions to consider.

Whose responsibility is it to tell the affair partner's spouse? Is it yours? Is it the affair partner? Is it somebody else? Is it down to them to find out themselves? How humiliated might they feel if you are the person to deliver that information? How would you feel if the same was done in return? Just because you've experienced deep pain does that mean that others should too? Is the pain that you're going to expose, is it intended for the affair partner's spouse or the affair partner? Is it a way of getting revenge? Is it a way of shifting some of the pain that you're feeling, some of the blame that you're feeling and shifting it on to them or at least an attempt to do so? Who is it really hurting? Can you control the outcome? How will you feel afterwards if you're the one that tells them? How do you think you're going to feel? Is that necessary? So when it comes down to the real crux of the question is what are your motivations and what do you hope to achieve by doing it? If you can answer those in a calm, non-anger, guilt, resentful, blame-fuelled fury of energy then maybe you should tell the affair partner's spouse. If that's not true, maybe not. My situation was a little bit different, mainly because the affair partner in my story was not with anybody else.

However, the temptation to drag his name through the mud, so to speak, was very high. To tell everybody that I knew so that I could shame him publicly was very, very tempting. But it was complicated and he wasn't the only person that would be affected by it.

Plus, I was dealing with my own challenges at the time and shifting my focus from myself to him was not my priority. My priority was me and then my children and then all the other relationships that existed in my life at the time. Whether he suffered long-term or not really has no impact on me going forward and never will do.

I really don't mind. And I offer the same question to you. How important really is it to you? Anyway, thanks ever so much for listening once again.

Sorry this one's gone on a little bit longer. I hope you managed to hang out until the end and I will talk to you all again next week. Take care.