77. The Intricate Dance Between People Pleasing and Infidelity

If you've ever found yourself walking on eggshells in your relationship, adjusting your thoughts, behaviours, or even your appearance just to avoid rejection, you're not alone. The need to please, to feel "enough", often stems from a deep fear of abandonment. And when infidelity enters the picture, this fear can spiral into painful self-blame and emotional confusion.

In this episode, I explore how people-pleasing and infidelity become entangled. You’ll discover how your inner critic might be distorting your partner’s actions and how that distortion can hold you back from true healing. If you're navigating the aftermath of infidelity, this episode offers a compassionate invitation to return to yourself.

Key Takeaways:

• Stop assuming disconnection is your fault; challenge the internal stories you tell yourself.

• Notice when you're performing instead of showing up authentically in your relationship.

• Recognise people-pleasing as a trauma response, not as a sustainable strategy for love.

• Reclaim your healing by focusing inward, not on fixing your partner.

• Choose authenticity over approval to rebuild self-worth and relationship clarity.

  
  

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you noticed yourself changing just to keep the peace, or blaming yourself for your partner’s betrayal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello everybody and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 77 and I'm your host Luke Shillings. I have a question.

When was the last time that you looked into a mirror? I mean properly. I'm not talking about spotting all the little imperfections in your face or noticing that maybe one ear is slightly higher than the other. I'm talking about a deeper reflection.

A deeper reflection that peels back the layers of just the visual representation of who you are and goes deeper into your mind to look back at what it is that you're projecting, what it is that you're seeing, what narrative you're creating. What can you see when you look that deep? Now this may sound a little bit cryptic but have you ever caught yourself lying awake at night replaying conversations with your partner, analysing every single word, every pause for signs of dissatisfaction or disappointment? Perhaps you've gone out of your way to cook their favourite meal only to be flattened by what you perceive as a lukewarm response, interpreting it as a sign that they're losing interest. Or maybe you found yourself constantly adjusting your opinions, your plans, sometimes even your appearance in an attempt to align with what you believe your partner desires, fearing their judgement or rejection.

This constant worry about what your partner thinks of you, to the extent that you're crafting a version of them in your mind that's always judging, always displeased, is a really common trap for many people. It's particularly pervasive amongst those who lean into people-pleasing, where our desire to be accepted and loved morphs into an overwhelming fear of doing something wrong. But here's a thought, what if this judgemental partner isn't truly about them, but rather a reflection of our own insecurities? Imagine the liberation in realising the criticisms that we fear, the disapproval that we dread, aren't actually coming from our partners at all, they're emanating from within us.

We create a version of them that mirrors our deepest fears, fears of not being good enough, of being unworthy of love, of being left alone, and then, ironically, we judge them for it. Consider the times that you've interpreted an offhand comment as a underhanded critique of your worthiness, or when you've seen a distracted moment as evidence of their diminishing affection. These interpretations are often not reflection of your partner's feelings at all, but rather projections of your own insecurities.

You're responding not to their actions, but to the narrative that you've constructed in your mind, a narrative born from a place of fear and self-doubt. This process turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. In trying so hard to avoid disapproval, we act in ways that are completely inauthentic to our true selves, which can lead to a disconnect in the relationship.

And this disconnect can, paradoxically, bring about the very judgement or alienation that we feared in the first place. Not because our partners are inherently critical, but because we've distanced ourselves from our authenticity, making genuine connection far more difficult. By recognising this cycle, we can start to challenge it.

We can begin to question the validity of the negative interpretations that we've attached to our partner's actions and or their words. We can ask ourselves, is this truly what they meant? Or, am I viewing it through the lens of my own fears? This shift in perspective can be incredibly freeing. It allows us to see our partners more clearly, without the distortion of our insecurities, and to engage with them in a more open, honest and, of course, healthy way.

This realisation opens up a profound dialogue about the self-imposed pressures in our relationships. When we're caught in a web of people-pleasing, we're not just aiming to make our partners happy. We're also, in a twisted kind of way, protecting ourselves from the judgemental parts of our own minds.

But what happens when infidelity enters the mix? Suddenly, the imaginary criticisms become overshadowed by a very real betrayal. And the interesting part is that the pattern of assuming the worst, of crafting narratives in our head, it doesn't just disappear. If anything, it intensifies.

You might find yourself revisiting every single argument, every cold shoulder, trying to pinpoint the exact moments of disconnection as the signs that you should have seen, as if the infidelity was a puzzle that you missed the pieces to. In the aftermath of betrayal, our tendency to people-please can morph into this desperate attempt to fix the relationship or ourselves, often ignoring the root causes of the betrayal. It's as though we're trying to become the person we think could have prevented our partner's strain.

This might manifest in changing our appearance, trying to adopt new interests or even altering core aspects of our personality, all in an effort to become enough. But here's where it gets more complex. Just as we might misconstrue our partner's thoughts, we might also misinterpret their actions, attributing them to flaws within us, rather than addressing the complexities of human behaviour as a whole and the multifaceted reasons behind infidelity.

It's a game and one where we risk losing ourselves in the process. Consider, for instance, the person who, after discovering an affair, begins to question every single aspect of themselves, if only had been more attentive, more adventurous, less consumed by work. It's things like this I hear all the time from new clients that come to work with me.

This self-blame is a direct result of that people-pleasing mindset, now which has been amplified by the trauma of betrayal. Or think about the individual who starts surveilling their own behaviour and interactions, constantly assessing if they're being enough to prevent future betrayals. They scrutinise their actions through the lens of perceived inadequacies, often adopting behaviours that are not authentic to themselves at all, all in an effort to secure the relationship.

But here lies the alternative perspective, the silver lining, let's say. Acknowledging that the drive to people-please in the wake of infidelity might stem from our own fears and own insecurities opens up a pathway to healing. It signals a moment to pause and ask ourselves, are we trying to mend the relationship or are we attempting to heal our own bruised self-esteem through the approval of our partner? This realisation can be the first step towards genuine recovery.

It's where we start to distinguish between actions that truly contribute to healing the relationship and those that are merely band-aids that are covering deeper unaddressed wounds. It's where we learn that healing from infidelity isn't just about reconfiguring ourselves to fit an imagined ideal, but about confronting the reality of our situation, understanding the complexities of our partner's actions and, most importantly, nurturing our own self-worth and our own authenticity. It's here in this tangled interplay of self-judgement and people-pleasing that a path to healing can really come to the forefront, by confronting our own tendencies to assume and project we can start to dismantle the narratives that bind us together and in doing so we can approach our relationships with a newfound clarity.

Perhaps the person acting out, the one being unreasonable, is not just our partner but also ourselves, projecting our insecurities and judgments. Recognising this can be liberating, it allows us to forgive not just our partners but also ourselves and paving the way for genuine healing and growth. So as we navigate the complexities of relationships, specifically after the pain of infidelity, let's challenge ourselves to look beyond the surface.

Let's question the narratives we create about our partners and, more importantly, about ourselves because in the end the journey to recovery isn't just about moving past a partner's betrayal, it's also about healing the parts of us that contribute to our own suffering. I'm going to keep this one a little bit shorter today but hopefully it's had an impactful message and you've been able to take something away from it. So once again I want to thank you ever so much for joining me today for this episode of the After The Affair podcast and I hope that this discussion has offered a small amount of solace or insight for those that are walking this path, just like I know many of you are.

Remember the journey of healing is both outward and inward and you're not walking this alone. If you are enjoying the podcast that I produce and, at the very least, are finding it useful then I'd be so grateful if you could rate or review it on your preferred podcast platform or if you just want to drop me an email to let me know how it's affected you and if there's anything else you think you'd like me to cover on the podcast. There is an endless catalogue of things that I have planned to explore over the next I don't know how many episodes but obviously I'm also interested in understanding what things are pressing or most pressing for those who have been listening.

I'm also interested in hearing if there's been specific things that I've spoken about in certain previous episodes that you would like me to expand on further or you'd like a deeper understanding or maybe there's something that you thought I was going in one direction and then I just sort of segued into a slightly different direction. Look, this podcast is here purposefully to help you, the person who is listening to this. That's what it's for.

That's why I do this. So I want it to be the best thing it can be for you so any feedback is always always welcome. But until next week have a great week and I'll talk to you all very soon.