75. 8 Steps to Healing part 2: Rebuilding and Renewal

When the shock of betrayal begins to subside, you're left with a daunting question: what now? The second half of the healing journey is about more than just surviving. It’s about reclaiming your life with clarity, purpose, and courage. In this episode, I guide you through the final four steps of the 8-step healing process I used personally, and now share with clients worldwide.

We explore how to rebuild trust (in yourself and others), reignite your vision for the future, reconnect with the people who matter, and celebrate your growth, no matter how messy or non-linear the path may be. If you're ready to move from surviving to thriving, this one’s for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Rebuild trust from within: Learn how to restore confidence in your intuition before extending trust outward.

• Craft a meaningful vision: Define your post-betrayal future with goals aligned to your values and purpose.

• Rediscover connection: Rebuild relationships with others by nurturing existing bonds and forming new, healthy ones.

• Celebrate progress, not perfection: Why recognising growth matters, even in the smallest of steps.

• Healing is not linear: Understand that setbacks don’t erase your progress; they’re part of the path to renewal.

💬 Reflection Question:

Where are you on the second half of your healing journey: rebuilding, envisioning, connecting, or celebrating?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 75. I'm your host Luke Shillings. Last week I explored the first four steps of healing from betrayal.

This is part of the eight-step journey that I took when going through my own betrayal healing journey. Last week we spoke about the first four steps clarity, belief, forgiveness and growth and if this is the first time you're hearing about this then I highly recommend you go back and listen to that episode first. That's episode number 74 and then come back and pick back up with this one.

So this week I want to continue the journey focussing on the next phases of rebuilding, visioning, connecting and of course celebrating. These steps are about taking the insights and the growth that we've achieved and using them to construct a future that's not only secure but also fulfilling and it feels aligned with our deepest values. So let's start straight away with step number five and that is rebuilding or more importantly rebuilding trust.

Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship and in the aftermath of infidelity rebuilding that trust is both challenging but it's also extremely important. Trust is split into two main categories. Trusting in ourselves, in our own judgement, in our own beliefs but it's also about trusting others.

Both impact each other significantly. So this process begins with rebuilding the trust in yourselves first. It's about trusting the judgement, the decisions and of course your intuition, that gut feeling that you get.

This self-trust is a foundation upon which all other trust is built. For those of you who are working to repair a relationship, rebuilding trust with your partner involves open communication, transparency, consistency and reliable actions. It's a slow process that requires patience and commitment from both of you.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations is crucial and as is the willingness to engage in honest and sometimes quite difficult conversations. For those moving forward alone or into a new relationship, rebuilding trust involves learning to open your heart again, to believe in the possibility of loyalty and of course fidelity and to trust others while protecting your well-being. Remember it's okay to proceed with caution, taking things one step at a time.

I think it's also important to remember that the person that you are beginning to build another relationship with is going through the same experience. They're also trying to learn how to trust you. The problem is when we've been hurt by trust, because we are so resistant to extending that particular olive branch to help build that trust with the other person, in doing so we can block off our own ability to show our own trustworthiness which can equally impact how difficult it is to rebuild trust within the relationship.

Because ultimately for a trusting relationship, a trusting companionship, a partnership, it requires trust on both sides for it to really flourish in the long term. You can always offer trust, you can always choose to trust first and give somebody the benefit of the doubt and actually I think in most cases that is the most recommended approach because if you block trust or you withhold trust then you also withhold all the potential goodness that could come from trusting another person. Now this is a little bit different once we've seen repeated actions of distrust.

If you have been offering trust and it has been repeatedly taken advantage of, then maybe that's the time not to trust any further in that moment with that person. I'd just like to quickly remind you that, I think I mentioned this in the last episode as well, that although these steps are listed one through eight, sometimes you are not going to be able to fully complete and process one step before moving on to the next. So in particular steps three, forgiveness, and step five, building trust or rebuilding trust, are two of the steps that you don't have to fully complete before taking on the next parts of the journey.

These are things that can run over a longer period of time and they're things that you can come back to. What's most important about both of these steps, whether you're choosing to forgive somebody, choosing to forgive yourself, choosing to trust somebody, or choosing to even trust your own judgement, then really it's more about the decision to work towards forgiveness or the decision to work towards trusting somebody, rather than just saying I forgive you or I trust you. It's more about making that intentional decision to work towards both of those things.

I just wanted to get that out there because I think it's quite an important step to recognise. So talking of next steps, let's move on to step six, vision. With a foundation of trust beginning to solidify, we can now turn our focus towards the future.

Creating a vision for your life post-betrayal is a really empowering step. For me, I remember initially feeling like I didn't know what tomorrow looked like, which was terrifying. Like I had so much uncertainty, I just could not get my head around it to begin with.

Everything that was stable was gone and I felt like I was just lost, like literally. But then as I started to get things in line, start to move through some of these previous steps to get clarity on the situation, to better understand where I was, start to redefine my beliefs about the future, start to open up to the possibility of forgiveness. I was able to see what lay ahead more like a blank canvas, more like something that I could actually start to craft and narrate and really produce for me, like really truly for me and for myself.

And know that when I did that, that all the people around me would get the benefit from it too. Because by me trying to figure out how to be the best version of myself, by having that vision for what I wanted further forward, it in and of itself created the best version of me for everybody around me. So creating a vision for your life post-betrayal that really excites you, one that's aligned with your values, your dreams and your newly discovered insights about yourself and your relationships.

Well it's mind-blowingly powerful when you have that focus. When we've been through betrayal, we have zero focus. The focus itself is almost turned off.

It's like a light bulb that has gone out and it's at this point in the healing process where we can start to turn our own light bulbs back on. So ask yourself, what does happiness look like? What does happiness look like for you right now? What goals do you want to pursue? Both personally or maybe even professionally. How do you want your relationships to feel? Crafting this vision involves dreaming big but also setting achievable incremental goals to make that dream a reality.

I've mentioned on some of my social media channels that one of my goals for 2024, slightly separate to the healing from infidelity, is to run a sub 40 minute 10k. It's something that's been on the back burner for I don't know how long and there's always been some reason, some excuse as to why I've put it off. Maybe injuries got in the way or illness or just some other thing that I've decided to prioritise ultimately.

But this year I have made that decision and I'm going to achieve that goal by the end of 2024. But to do that I don't just put my running shoes on and go out the door and run as fast as I can in the hope that I hit that particular time over the distance. I break it down into more manageable steps.

I do one interval session then followed by more an easier run and then maybe I'll do a hill session or you know I'll concentrate on my sleeping and my eating and all of these other things that play into the process and then I just trust the process. I keep showing up, I keep putting in the work and gradually the times start to come down and I've already started to see some of those improvements. Well the things when we're aiming for something big in our lives or it doesn't even have to be big it just has to be something.

Something that we are aiming for rather than just remaining stagnant in a situation that we feel like we have no control. I encourage you to write down your vision or discuss it with your friends. Make it as detailed as possible.

Maybe you can create a vision board, a visual representation of the things that you want in your life moving forward. Maybe you could have one for a short term, for a medium term or for a long term. There are no rules.

It's about what feels right for you. What's stopping you from doing that right now? Getting yourself a piece of A3 or A4 paper and just start cutting things out and sticking them on or maybe you prefer to do it on your computer and get images and just start to get things down. Something that gives you something to look forward to and to focus on and then you start to break down those steps to really identify those steps that you need to take to move forward towards this future.

And remember every journey begins with a single step. Next we have step seven and step seven is all about connection. Healing from betrayal isn't a journey that you have to make alone.

In fact connection with others is a key component of recovery. In fact it's more than that. It's a key component of being alive, of being human.

This step is about building or strengthening your support network. In fact actually on a coaching call quite recently one of my clients was asking me to help them explore their close friendships, their close connections and there was this deeper belief that to build a deeper connection they needed to find new people to make those connections with. So what we initially did was start by listing out all of the connections that currently existed, what friendships were already there and what kind of relationships were they.

And much to the surprise of to an extent both of us as the conversation developed was that everything that was needed was already there. The connections already existed. They just needed nurturing.

They just needed a message or a pick up the telephone or make a connection. Ultimately literally connect reconnect with those people that were already in this person's life and that completely changed the perspective. It's so tempting to want to believe that when things aren't quite right the solution is to go and find something new when actually what we often have is everything sat there already at our beck and call.

It's already on our doorstep. In fact the same is true often in romantic relationships. Sometimes we can feel that disconnect between ourselves and our partner and we believe that it's because there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship or there's something fundamentally wrong with our partner and the solution is to end that relationship and to go and try and seek this deeper connection, this something else, this magical thing elsewhere.

But of course what happens is the same thing, the same pattern occurs. You find somebody else and then you start to fall into the same pattern. You start to take for granted or more importantly you become dependent on the other person to make you feel connected.

We have to take responsibility in these situations and this was with all of our friendships and all our relationships. Whether you've not spoken to your parents for a while or maybe you don't spend enough one-to-one time with your children. Maybe you're not really, you've fallen into more of a routine, a mundane situation with yourself and your partner and you're finding it difficult to really connect because every day just feels like Groundhog Day.

You come home from work, you do the washing up, you do the household jobs, you sort the kids tea out and take them to their clubs and get them bathed and their stories read and get them into bed and then you're tired and then both of you are slightly out of sync because you're working different hours so one goes to bed earlier and before you know it you know you spend no time talking to each other at all. So it's no surprise you feel disconnected. Whether it's friends, family, support groups or professionals like therapists or coaches having a network of support really can provide comfort, perspective and of course encouragement.

Furthermore it is also about forming new relationships but not necessarily new romantic ones. It can be any kind of connection whether it be with the shopkeeper that you see every day or maybe the person you sit next to on the bus or the tube or the train as you travel to work. It can be at any opportunity because after betrayal the idea of forming new connections can be daunting.

Yet engaging in new relationships based on mutual respect, shared values and trust can be incredibly healing and just being curious about other people, just wanting to know what other people's going on. We get so trapped in our own minds we think we're the only people struggling or the only people finding things difficult but actually you'd be very probably most people would be very surprised to learn that most other people are experiencing many of the same challenges. They might not be exactly the same as yours but this identity of struggling with life, finding things tough, maybe having a little bit of low self-worth, being betrayed in some manner there's the likelihood that you've got something that is both relatable to somebody else's experience which will help them in theirs but equally help you in yours.

It's a real testament to your strength and your ability to move forward, to trust again and to open your heart to new possibilities. And this takes us on to the final step which is step eight, celebration. This is probably the bit I found the hardest.

I know it sounds daft. Celebrating myself is something that doesn't come easy to me. I'm very good at criticising myself.

I can do that all day long. I can find out all of the things, I can list all the things that I do wrong. I can judge myself and even when I get feedback sometimes from from people in various situations and this could be in any area of life, I already feel like I already know what it is they're going to say or even if they make some assessment I'm not surprised because I've already beaten myself up about it and I've got much better at this but to say that it's gone, to say that it doesn't exist, well I'd be lying.

And of course after we've been betrayed it becomes even harder because we're making that judgement about ourselves. It's so easy to assume that at least in part what we've experienced is because of us in some way. Like it's because of something that we've done or some part that we had to play in it.

Now we may have had a part to play in the quality of the relationship. We may have had a part to play in how deeply connected we were with our partner but we do not have a part to play in the actual decisions that are made by other people. And I think it's important to acknowledge and to really celebrate your progress.

You know even if we're talking about this step, we're on step eight out of these seven steps, these eight steps sorry, that I've listed. If you have made it to here and you're working on this section then you already have seven things to celebrate. Even if you just round that all into one big group and say that you have one major thing to celebrate you are well on your healing journey from betrayal.

That in itself is something to celebrate because celebration isn't often overlooked but it's a really crucial step. It's about recognising the milestones that you've reached, the obstacles you've overcome and the growth you've achieved. It's one of the reasons that I help all of my coaching clients actively look back at how far they've come because it's so easy to not notice.

We tend to make small changes very gradually over a long period of time. There are multiple analogies but think of the boiled frog situation. You pop a frog into boiling water and increase it one degree at a time and the frog doesn't notice.

Pop it into boiling water and it straightaway jumps out of the pan. Okay this is kind of a reverse analogy but the basic idea being that when things happen slowly we don't notice the change and that's why really paying attention to what we've achieved and actively celebrating those things can be so so powerful. So take the time to reflect on how far you've come.

Celebrate the small victories as well as the big ones. This can be as simple as acknowledging a day where you just felt a bit stronger and a bit more hopeful or as significant as commemorating the start of a new relationship or maybe the achievement of a personal goal. Remember the healing journey is not linear.

There will be ups and there will be downs but each step forward no matter how small is a victory worth celebrating. It's a testament to your resilience, your strength and your capacity for growth and renewal. So as we wrap up this two-part series on healing from betrayal I hope that you've found some insights, some strategies and most importantly some hope in these steps.

Whether you're just starting your journey or you're well on your way, remember you're not alone. There is a path forward. One that leads to healing, growth and a future filled with possibility and joy.

For those who do want to take things a bit further, for those who come and explore what working together might look like, well these are the main areas that we focus on during the journey. Everybody's path is slightly different but it's these core areas that really helped me heal from betrayal and it's now the same things that I help other people heal from betrayal too and I would love to help you if you need the support. So thank you once again for joining me on this journey.

If you need to find out more information you can visit my website LifeCoachLuke.com. You can subscribe to the mailing list LifeCoachLuke.com forward slash subscribe or you can drop me a message at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com. If you've enjoyed this episode and maybe you're not ready to connect with me then that's absolutely fine. Please just keep listening, take what you can from it and I hope it's helping you no matter what. If you do enjoy the episode then please share, rate it, leave a review.

It all helps get it to the people that really need it and I'm so so grateful for you and everybody else that listens to the show. So until next time take care of yourselves and each other and I'll talk to you all next week.