73. The Empathy Challenge: Conflict After Infidelity

When you've been betrayed, every conversation can feel like a battlefield. The smallest disagreement becomes loaded with hurt, history, and a desperate need to be seen and heard. In this episode, I talk about the true root of conflict after infidelity, and how empathy can be the unexpected key to deeper understanding and healing.

I share a powerful mindset shift that helps you step out of emotional reactivity and into genuine curiosity about your partner’s perspective. Even if you’re unsure whether to stay or go, this episode will help you navigate relational tension with clarity and compassion.

Key Takeaways:

• Discover how conflict is rarely about the issue at hand and why it’s often rooted in clashing internal “movies”.

• Learn how your unique history, DNA, and personality shape your triggers and reactions.

• Use empathy as a tool, not to fix, but to understand what matters to your partner.

• Try the “pause and flip” technique to diffuse tension and spark connection during arguments.

• Take on the weekly empathy challenge to build emotional bridges after betrayal.

💬 Reflection Question:

What happens when you ask, “What’s this really about for you?” in your next disagreement?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 73 I'm your host Luke Shillings and today we're talking once again about conflict. In particular I'd really like to get to the bottom of the, I suppose the heart of all relational conflict.

This idea that every disagreement, every clash essentially stems from our inherent differences in perspective. These are often shaped by our unique life experiences, our genetic makeups and of course our personality traits. Consider for a moment the vast tapestry of the human experience.

There are no two threads exactly alike. Each is coloured by its own set of experiences, beliefs and perceptions. It's these very differences that make our human interactions just so rich and so complex but they also lay a groundwork for conflict.

You know there's something super interesting about why we often butt heads with people, especially those that we care about. It often boils down to this idea we're all coming from our own little worlds shaped by every single thing that we've been through. Our ups, our downs, the whole roller coaster.

Think of it like this. From the second we appear in the world when we're born we're like sponges soaking up everything around us and all of those things big and small well they kind of paint a picture in our head about what the world is like and our DNA well that throws in its own twist. It's like it's kind of nudging us to be more chill or maybe to be a bit more on edge.

You know and don't get me started on personality. Whether you're the life of the party or the one enjoying the scene from the back it all adds another layer to how you see things. Let's say that you and your other half are fighting over something silly, something relatively insignificant like I don't know how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste.

You might be all about squeezing it from the bottom you know super efficient but your partner maybe they never really had to think about it that much. To them it's more about the little moment not the right way to do things. This toothpaste thing it's a kind of mini version of the big showdowns that we have.

It's not about the toothpaste or the dishes or any of the other tasks that go on in our day-to-day lives. It's about what those things mean to us deep down because well actually because of our journey. So here's the thing.

Empathy is like our secret weapon. It's about trying to see things from their side even if it feels completely foreign. It's not about winning the argument.

It's about understanding where they're coming from with all the baggage and all the beauty that shapes their specific views. So next time you find yourself in a bit of a tiff you know with your loved one try to remember it's not just about the issue at hand. It's about acknowledging that we're all a product of our own unique paths in life and that's okay.

In fact actually it's more than okay. It's what makes our connections with each other so special. Let's not lose sight of it even in the heat of the moment.

You know this whole thing got me thinking deeper about why we get so tangled up over stuff that in the grand scheme of things might not seem like a big deal. It's kind of like we're each living in our own personal movie and in our movie we're the main character, the hero, so naturally we see everything from our point of view. But here's the thing.

Everyone else has their own movie going on with their own scenes, their own soundtracks, their own dramas and triumphs and sometimes our movies overlap but we forget to consider that their plotline might actually just be different to ours. It's like when you're watching a movie with a friend and you both walk away with totally different takes on it. You might have been all caught up in the action scenes while they were moved by the love story woven through it.

Neither of you is wrong. You just focused on different parts. Bringing it back to us and our everyday fights, whether it's about who forgot to take out the trash or why someone's always late to dinner, it's helpful to remember that we're reacting based on our own storyline.

Maybe in their movie being late isn't a sign of disrespect, it's just how their time flows, shaped by a million little things from their past. So next time you find yourself getting worked up, just take a moment. Imagine you're stepping into their movie for a second.

What's their storyline? What's going on in their scenes that might be making them act in this way? It's not about letting go of what bugs you, but more about seeing the bigger picture. I can assure you that I've had to remind myself of this plenty of times, particularly in some of the work situations that I've faced in the past, work colleagues that I didn't get along with. You know, it's not always easy, especially when you're feeling heated, but man, the difference it makes when you do? It's like switching from a horror film to a rom-com, you know, where understanding and connection are actually the main plot twists.

Alright, I think it's quite important to me that we try and really understand this. I'm going to try and cover this from as many perspectives as I can. So let's try something a little bit different.

Imagine you are in the middle of a classic he said she said, or you know, whatever combination works for you. It's heating up and you're both locked in, ready to prove that you're right and to prove that the other person's wrong. Now, hit the pause button in your mind.

Just freeze everything for a second. In that pause, I want you to do a little mental flip. Instead of gearing up with your next point, like you're in some debate club, ask yourself, what's this really about for them? It's not about giving up your side or pretending that it doesn't matter.

It's about getting curious. I mean, genuinely curious about what's driving their side of the conversation. And hey, why not get a bit adventurous? Throw in a question that shows that you're really trying to get where they're coming from.

Something like, can you help me understand why this is so important to you? Now, at the core of it, that really is just a question of why. But when it's phrased in such a way, like, can you help me understand why this is so important to you? Then it comes to a very different place. It's not about playing detective.

It's just more about you both being on the same team. Like you're trying to crack the case together. So next time you're in the thick of it, remember that shift.

It's like moving from playing tug-of-war to passing a ball back and forth. You're not losing anything by being curious. You're opening up a space where both of you can be heard and understood.

And who knows, you might just stumble upon some common ground you didn't even know was there. Give it a whirl. What's the worst that could happen? You might just end up turning a potential argument into a moment where you can both learn something new about each other.

And that, my friends, is where the magic happens in relationships. It's all about turning those little clashes into opportunities to grow closer, not further apart. Now, let's touch on something a little bit heavier, and that's navigating these really difficult waters of infidelity recovery.

It's a tough one, there's no doubt about it, but this idea of understanding each other's worlds, it's like a lifeline in the storm. Imagine you're trying to piece things back together, and it feels like every conversation is a minefield. Instead of defaulting to blame or rehashing the hurt, just try asking, what were we missing in our connection that led us here? It's not about excusing what happened, but about digging into the real stuff beneath the surface.

This is about getting real with each other, opening up that space for a tough, honest talk. It's like you're both archaeologists, carefully uncovering the layers of your relationship to find the treasures that are buried underneath. The needs, the dreams, the fears that got lost along the way.

Sure, it's difficult, but approaching it from a place of curiosity and empathy can shine light on the path forward that you might just not have seen otherwise. And that's where the healing begins, in those moments of shared vulnerability and those shared understanding. I have walked this path personally, navigating through the aftermath of betrayal, and I've seen firsthand how transformative it can be to truly strive to understand the why.

Why did this happen? What led us here? The answers often lie in a myriad of different ways that we fail to connect, we fail to communicate, we fail to see each other's perspective fully. So where do we go from here? I mean, after all this talk about seeing things from each other's perspective, what is the next step? Well, I've got a little challenge for you, a challenge to put all of this into practise. Next time that you're in the middle of a disagreement, or even just a mild misunderstanding, try this.

Take a deep breath. Yes, literally, take a deep breath right now with me. Then, with all the genuine curiosity that you can muster, ask your partner, what's this really about for you? You see, it's not just about understanding their point of view, it's about showing them that you value their feelings and their experiences as much as you do your own.

And don't stop there, make it a habit, maybe set a little reminder for yourself, something that will jog your memory to approach conflicts with empathy first. It could be a note on your fridge, a daily alarm on your phone, or even a little mantra that you repeat to yourself each morning. And I tell you what, I'm gonna do it too.

So let's say for the next week we both commit to this empathy first approach. Imagine the shift that could happen in our relationships, the walls that might come down, the bridges that we could build. And hey, I'd love to hear how it goes for you, so please drop me a message, send me an email directly.

You can contact me at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com. Did it change the conversation? Did it open up something new between you and your partner? Or maybe it was tougher than you thought? Either way I'm all ears. This is our moment to start turning those everyday conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. It's about taking those small brave steps towards each other, even when it's hard.

Because at the end of the day, it's those steps that really weave that rich tapestry of our relationships, making them stronger, more resilient and ultimately more fulfilling. As I close today's episode, I encourage you to reflect on the conflicts in your own life. Consider how a shift towards empathy and a genuine attempt to understand the other's perspective might alter the course of your relationships.

It's through this understanding that we can find a path to healing, connection and ultimately a more profound and fulfilling relationship. Thank you ever so much again for joining me today. If this episode has resonated with you or if you have insights and experiences that you want to share, I really would love to hear from you.

Again you can contact me directly at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com or you can visit the website LifeCoachLuke.com and find out more information there. Together we can navigate the complexities of human relationships and we can emerge stronger. So until next time, remember empathy is the bridge to understanding and understanding is the foundation of love.

I'll talk to you all next week.