71. Is Forgiveness Necessary? Can You Reconcile Without It?

Forgiveness after betrayal can feel impossible. You might wonder, Do I have to forgive them to move forward? Or Can we rebuild something, anything, without pretending the pain isn’t there? In this episode, I tackle one of the most common and emotionally loaded questions in betrayal recovery: Is forgiveness essential for reconciliation?

Drawing from personal experience and real coaching insights, I explore both sides of the argument. I share how forgiveness can be a path to peace, but also how reconciliation is still possible, even when forgiveness feels out of reach. If you're feeling stuck between anger and the hope of moving forward, this episode will help you find clarity.

Key Takeaways:

• Forgiveness is for you, not for the person who betrayed you.

• You can reconcile without forgiveness, but the depth and quality of that reconciliation may be limited.

• There are many forms of reconciliation: practical, emotional, temporary, or conditional.

• Resentment creates emotional pain that only you carry; letting go is an act of self-care.

• True healing often begins when you stop waiting for others to change and start choosing yourself.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Are you waiting to forgive until they’ve earned it? Or holding back reconciliation because you're still hurting? What would change if you saw forgiveness as a gift to yourself, not a favour to them?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 71. I'm Luke and I'm here to talk today a little bit about forgiveness but not just forgiveness on its own.

We've spoken about forgiveness quite a bit on the podcast and for good reason of course. There's a question that I've seen pop up a couple of times this week. One was in a group that I'm part of and then it was also asked by one of my clients and then that led to another conversation.

Anyway so I thought I would bring all of my collective thoughts about this question, about this conversation in general here to the podcast so that I could share it with all of you and hopefully you could have your own thoughts about it as well. So the question, the question is, is forgiveness necessary for reconciliation? Is that something that is essential to move forward in a relationship after trust has been broken? And when we speak of reconciliation, well what is it exactly that we're truly seeking? What is reconciliation in the context of relationships and how it relates to forgiveness? On the surface for me reconciliation often conjures up images of mended relationships, of returning to some state of harmony but in the wake of infidelity its meaning can sometimes shift. So for some reconciliation might mean rebuilding the partnership whereas for others it could signify an internal resolution, a peace with themselves let's say.

In my journey I've learned that reconciliation is well, is deeply personal. It's about defining what a positive relationship means to you now in this new reality. How do you view reconciliation in the context of your experience? Maybe it's something that you've not actually asked.

And then what about forgiveness? Well forgiveness is another multifaceted concept. We know this simply through the conversations we've had in previous episodes. It's not about condoning the betrayal or diminishing its impact.

Instead it's a step towards freeing yourself from the chains of anger and resentment. Again from my perspective forgiveness is more about the self than the betrayer. It's a gift that you give yourself.

It's a crucial step towards healing. By withholding forgiveness what you are doing in turn is holding on to anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration, disappointment and many other unwanted emotions. And again from my experience when our actions are driven by any of those emotions it tends not to create an outcome that we want.

But is forgiveness indispensable for reconciliation? In my professional work I've seen varied paths to reconciliation. Some are of course grounded in forgiveness and others more in acceptance and understanding. So I'd like to unpack this a little bit further.

When we think of the question is forgiveness necessary for reconciliation I'd like to answer it both ways. And I'm going to start with no. Forgiveness is not necessary for reconciliation.

Hear me out. Now I acknowledge that forgiveness not being necessary for reconciliation does challenge conventional wisdom and it's quite a nuanced perspective that, well, it acknowledges the complex nature of humans and the complex nature of human relationships. In certain contexts, in individuals or even parties may choose to reconcile.

That is to come to a mutual understanding or to resume a working relationship without fully forgiving past wrongdoings. And well I was I was thinking about this the day and I wrote some things down so I'm just going to read out what I've put. The first one is for pragmatic reasons.

People might reconcile for actually just practical reasons such as shared responsibilities, mutual interests or common goals that necessitate cooperation. For example, co-parenting. You may decide to work together amicably for the well-being of your children despite the unresolved personal grievances.

This said I do not advocate that people stay together just for the children. However there are situations and circumstances. Let's say for example you are no longer with the partner that betrayed you where putting the well-being of your children ahead of the need to forgive, well, makes plenty of sense.

The next one is cultural or societal norms. In some cultures and certainly some societal contexts there may be a strong emphasis on maintaining harmony or unity or balance and this can prompt individuals to reconcile differences without really delving deeply into the personal feelings of forgiveness. This might be a case where the focus is more on the collective well-being rather than the individual emotional resolution.

What about those of us who can actually just separate personal feelings from the interactions that we have with the individuals that have betrayed us? Some people can simply separate their personal feelings from their actions. It doesn't mean that we don't feel them. It doesn't mean that you don't still have the emotion and the desire to act it out in some way.

But there's just something natural either you are calm natured or you have learned to build up that emotional resilience and simply choose to behave much more cordially, you know, much more cooperatively with someone that you haven't actually forgiven but the situation itself demands it or at least you believe that by not acting that way in that situation could potentially escalate things and not for the better. Sometimes it might just be an interim solution. In some cases reconciliation might be seen as temporary, you know, particularly in moments of conflict where immediate cooperation just makes more sense but deeper emotional issues are left unresolved.

And this can sometimes serve as a bridge to eventual forgiveness but not always. What about understanding without forgiveness? Is it possible that people might reach a mutual understanding of each other's perspectives and the factors that led to the conflict without moving to forgiveness? I suppose it probably is. This understanding can be sufficient to resume a relationship or a cooperation without carrying forward the emotional burden of the past, even if it hurts and that hurt remains.

Another one I thought of was conditional reconciliation. This is reconciliation that might occur on specific terms or conditions that allow for cooperation or coexistence without really requiring forgiveness. For example, two people might agree to certain behaviours or boundaries that enable them to interact without fully resolving their emotional grievances.

Again this could be a situation where it's maybe there's shared friends, maybe there's social events that they might attend or even some kind of professional setting. Or maybe it's again could be children related where they are reconciling really in those moments. It's like a temporary stage, so a little bit like the interim solutions, but it's on the conditions of the situation.

And then the last one I've written down here is personal boundaries. So again people might reconcile with someone to a degree that really just respects the personal boundaries. Choosing to interact in a limited or somewhat superficial way that doesn't really require a depth of emotional engagement implied by forgiveness.

So again it's a it's a more of I accept you for who you are, I will interact with you in a specific way, but this does not mean I forgive you. So in these kind of scenarios that I've listed here, reconciliation is driven more by external circumstances, rational decisions or a desire for peace and functionality as opposed to the emotional process of forgiveness. It's important to note however that while reconciliation without forgiveness is possible, it might not always lead to the same depth of relationship restoration that forgiveness can facilitate.

The lack of emotional closure can leave underlying issues unaddressed, potentially limiting the closeness and of course the trust that you might want to rebuild in that relationship, which can sometimes go beyond just the two of you. Okay so let's flip the coin and answer the question from the other perspective. Is forgiveness necessary for reconciliation? Yes and here's why.

Forgiveness first of all is a very personal process. It's really about the individual, it's not really for the other person or the other party. It's a reflection on the idea that forgiveness is more about releasing yourself from the burden of resentment and anger, much like I spoke about earlier, than it is about absolving the other person's actions.

It's an internal process that can lead to personal peace and emotional liberation. It's also widely supported in the psychological literature as being hugely beneficial for an individual's mental health. It can reduce stress and improve overall well-being and it's seen as a step towards healing, not necessarily a reconciliation with the other person.

The notion that reconciliation does not require forgiveness of course is intriguing. It suggests that two people can come to a mutual understanding or resume a relationship without one party fully forgiving the other. This could mean that while forgiveness might enhance the quality of reconciliation, it's not a prerequisite.

Reconciliation might be based on just practicalities, mutual benefits or a shared goal like we spoke about, separate from the emotional journey of forgiveness. This concept is more complex and it's situation dependent. While some relationships can technically continue without forgiveness, the quality and depth of such relationships might be compromised.

Trust and intimacy, crucial for a deep connection, might not fully recover without forgiveness. We could also consider betrayal as an opportunity. When we view betrayal as a potential catalyst for a deeper connection and personal growth, it's a pretty powerful reframing.

It's something I've spoken about regularly on the podcast. It suggests that while betrayal undeniably causes us a lot of pain, it also presents as an opportunity to strengthen a relationship, enhance our emotional resilience and really try and foster that personal development and growth. This perspective encourages individuals to find meaning and growth in their pain, transforming a negative experience into a source of strength.

This is a constructive approach. It's often embraced in many personal development practises, including coaching, and it's based on the idea that challenges, including betrayal, can be the spark for self-discovery and strengthening relationships on a whole. Look, when we're faced with betrayal, it's not something that we've chosen.

I think I mentioned this again just in last week's episode. It's not the path that we would choose, but we sometimes get dealt cards that we did not request, and we have a choice, and this is that point. We can make that choice, and that's a key insight.

Forgiveness is a choice for your personal well-being. It can significantly impact the quality of your life post betrayal, and this has been supported by numerous studies showing the negative impact of holding on to anger and resentment. Forgiveness is often seen as a crucial step in moving past the pain and finding peace.

Okay, so we've looked at both sides of the question, or at least both potential answers for the question. Maybe there are more answers. I've gone with a binary yes and no, and really binary is something that I try to avoid, but let's just consider what we've discovered so far.

No, forgiveness is not necessary. It's not essential for reconciliation, because there are ways in which you can reconcile that don't require forgiveness. Maybe they are more situational based, more circumstantial based, or maybe just temporary, as like a gap that bridges the time between not forgiving and working towards forgiveness.

Then we can explore it on a more emotional level. Is forgiveness necessary for reconciliation? Well, forgiveness is essential for you, and I would therefore argue that, yes, forgiveness is essential. Regardless of the reconciliation, forgiveness is necessary.

It makes all of the difference. The only person it affects is you. Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? I have nothing else to add to the conversation.

Actually, that's not true. I do, of course. But what it does do is separate out the forgiveness from the reconciliation.

So let's say that forgiveness isn't seen as a prerequisite for reconciliation. There must be other elements that are crucial in bridging the divides and restoring relationships. Some of these components focus on more practical, communicative, and behavioural changes, rather than the emotional release that forgiveness might provide.

Some of the key elements that can facilitate reconciliation without necessarily involving forgiveness include, well, the basic. Effective communication. Open, honest, and respectful communication is vital.

This involves expressing your needs, feelings, and perspectives, and clearly, and doing it in a way where you are listening to the other person, with empathy, and without judgement. Constructive dialogue can lead to a mutual understanding and the resolution of misunderstandings. Now, effective communication, and active listening, and these kinds of... I might do a separate episode on this, but I just want to touch on it briefly here.

These are important factors in all relationships. Like, communication is important. I think it would be careless to say otherwise.

However, it's not the only thing. Sometimes when people get into difficult situations in their relationships, and they're struggling with conflict, and maybe they're just not getting on, then you may go and see, I don't know, a marriage counsellor, or maybe it's just information that you've had from your friends, and it's like, oh, it's just about the communication. You know, all good relationships, it's just about communication.

If you can communicate properly, all problems are resolved. And I believe that effective communication is essential in relationships, yes. Does it fix all problems? No, of course it doesn't.

It should be something that's just there regardless, and if it's something that you don't have in your relationship, then it's definitely worth working towards. Because it then gets you into a place where you can understand and make clearer decisions about what it is that you want from your relationship, and whether this relationship really is right for you. So, no, effective communication is not the solution, it's the foundation.

So, I just wanted to mention that there, but I'd like to explore that further, and I promise that I will. The next part might be more for those who have been unfaithful. That is acknowledgement and validation.

Acknowledging the hurt, the harm, or the misunderstanding that occurred, whether that be a full-on affair or something more minor, even if forgiveness has not been granted. Acknowledging it could be powerful. Validating the other person's feelings and their experiences shows a respect for their perspective, and can pave a way for rebuilding trust.

Then we could also look at a willingness to compromise. Okay, maybe for those of you who have been listening to me for some time will remember, I think it was episode 35, I'll make sure I'll pop a link in the show notes, episode 35, Reject Compromise, where I talk about compromise in probably a slightly different light to many people's first interpretation of it. However, reconciliation can often require compromise from all of the parties involved.

And this just means being open to finding middle ground, and making adjustments to behaviours or expectations to accommodate the other person's needs or concerns. Compromise might not be the end goal, but it's an essential step to help you on that journey. Another topic that I've spoken about regularly is boundaries.

Making sure that we're establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial for healthy relationships, especially in the case where deep emotional wounds are not fully healed. Clear boundaries ensure that interactions are safe and respectful, and prevent you from further harm. Another way to help reconcile is to make the commitment.

Both people must genuinely commit to reconciling, to continue the relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean that forgiveness has happened yet, but you have committed to that journey, and this commitment involves a willingness to work through the challenges, and to coexist peacefully, even if some emotional issues still remain unresolved. There are also some behavioural changes that can happen.

You know, actions really do speak louder than words, and demonstrating through behaviour that you are committed to change, or to respecting the agreed-upon terms of reconciliation, and in particular respecting other people's boundaries, your partner's boundaries, can be more significant than the emotional forgiveness. Then you can do active things to rebuild trust. Trust can be rebuilt through consistent and reliable actions over time.

Even without forgiveness, establishing a track record of dependability and integrity can gradually restore trust. I think it's important as well that there's some mutual respect. Yes, the betrayal happened, and it exists.

It's a thing that exists as a circumstance in both of your lives, but maintaining respect for each other's dignity, and your values, and your rights, is still fundamental, even if it appears from one person's perspective that the values of the other don't seem stable, or cannot be relied upon. Reconciliation can occur when both parties treat each other with respect, but it does require it both ways, and that's why it's mutual, even if one has not fully forgiven the other. Enhancing your conflict resolution skills.

Developing and utilising effective conflict resolution strategies can prevent the escalation of future disagreements, and help manage conflicts in a way that prevents further damage to the relationship. This can simply be activities like counting to ten when you feel yourself becoming emotionally triggered or agitated. How can you apply some of the things that we've already spoken about? Following through on the boundaries that you've set.

Accepting compromise on occasion, or maybe just figuring out how to communicate your needs and your feelings better with your partner. And finally, focus on shared values, shared goals, focussing on your common interests, your goals, or the things that you're just ultimately aiming towards. Whatever that looks like, it could be something short-term, it could be something medium-term, it could be something much longer.

It really helps bridge the gap between two people. This shared focus can provide a foundation for working together despite the unresolved personal grievances. In essence, Reconciliation Without Forgiveness leans heavily on rational, communicative, and behavioural strategies to restore functionality and peace into a relationship.

It requires a much more pragmatic approach that prioritises mutual understanding, respect, and cooperation over the emotional resolution that can come with forgiveness. So in conclusion, I believe that all of the things we've just spoken about in terms of ways that you can help reconcile can make forgiveness itself an easier process. But I don't believe that any of them are essential to forgive.

Forgiveness is a choice, and forgiveness is for you. It doesn't mean that you should. It doesn't mean that just because some guy on a podcast says, yeah, you should forgive, that you can just click your fingers and it'd be done.

Of course not. It's more complicated than that, and maybe is a case of working through these things for you. But to believe that forgiveness only exists once every other checkbox has been ticked makes it very difficult to get to that point.

Because you only need one of those checkboxes not to be ticked for you to withhold forgiveness. And the only person suffering as a result of that forgiveness being withheld is you. So just think very carefully and clearly about how much you want to continue hurting yourself.

Not everybody's going to agree with me, and that's okay, but that's not why I'm here. Because I know that many of you who are listening, many of you will recognise the pain that withholding forgiveness is creating for you. You know those feelings of anger and sadness and frustration and bitterness and resentment.

You know them, you can feel them in your body, even as I say the words they are there. And you know you don't want to feel that way forever. You don't want to continually feel that way.

The act that your partner did has already happened. They've already crossed that boundary. We can't undo the past.

This is not Men in Black. We don't get one of those cool little gizmos where they flash the eyes and erase our memory. It just doesn't work like that.

We're dealt with a circumstance and we have a choice. So I'm just asking you. It's not so much a question of is forgiveness necessary for reconciliation.

It's is forgiveness necessary for you? I'll talk to you all again next week. Take care.