68. Reward or Punishment: Rewriting Our Reward System After an Affair

Why does betrayal feel so devastating? Because it doesn’t just hurt emotionally. It hijacks our brain’s reward system. The love, trust, and connection we once relied on as emotional rewards are suddenly stripped away, leaving our brains confused and our hearts broken.

In this episode, we unpack the science behind why infidelity hits so hard and how we can begin to rewire our internal systems for healing. I’ll guide you through the psychological impact of broken trust and introduce powerful tools to help you rediscover joy, rebuild your sense of self, and find new, fulfilling sources of emotional connection.

Key Takeaways:

• Why betrayal triggers deep emotional and physiological responses

• How our brain’s reward system influences love, trust, and heartbreak

• The role of the motivational triad in both pain and recovery

• Why internal validation is key to long-term emotional healing

• Practical tools to reset your reward system after infidelity and feel whole again

💬 Reflection Question:

What emotional “rewards” have you lost or begun to rediscover since the betrayal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

 Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After the Affair podcast I'm Luke Shillings your host and you're listening to episode number 68. Today I would like to talk about something that's really quite fascinating and something I heard in a podcast myself and I think it's super relevant to everything that we talk about here.

It's about how our brains are hardwired to seek rewards and what this means for our relationships especially when trust is broken. So get comfortable and let's dive into this together. So the question is what is the reward system all about? Well think about it this way.

Our brains are like reward-seeking machines. They're like dopamine junkies. It's kind of like when you hit the like button on social media and you feel that little buzz of happiness.

That's your brains reward system kicking in. The same is true when you hit your 10,000 steps goal and your Fitbit buzzes or perhaps you have unlocked a new achievement on your favourite app. I've been using Brilliant just recently and it rewards you for maintaining a streak of learning and then there's a leaderboard so you always feel like you're being compelled or encouraged to do more.

I'm not actively promoting or plugging Brilliant although it is a great app but if anybody from Brilliant happens to be listening and would like to talk then my door is always open of course. Let's imagine that you're working towards a goal. Maybe it's losing weight, maybe it's a specific project that you're doing at work, a fitness goal perhaps or maybe just the activity of baking the perfect cake.

When you hit that goal how do you feel? Pretty awesome I bet and that's often because our brain releases these feel-good chemicals like dopamine. They give you a sense of pleasure and achievement and it's your brain's way of saying hey good job let's do that again. This system isn't just about physical rewards though it's deeply tied to our emotions and social interactions.

Let's say you help a friend and they show you genuine gratitude. It feels good doesn't it? That's also your reward system at play reinforcing social behaviours that strengthen bonds and connections. But here's where it gets really interesting when it comes to relationships.

When we're in a healthy loving relationship we get a lot of these emotional rewards. We feel loved, we feel valued and secure. Each act of kindness, every moment of connection is like a little reward for our emotional investment in the relationship.

It's a beautiful thing really because it strengthens our bond with our partner and builds a foundation of trust. So you see our brain's reward system significantly influences how we feel in relationships especially when it comes to trust. Trust is like a special kind of emotional reward all in itself that we get in a healthy relationship.

It makes us feel secure and safe and valued and connected. Now let's just shift a little bit more and talk about trust more deeply. What happens when this trust, this crucial reward, is broken? It's one thing to know how our brains love rewards but it's another to understand how they react when these rewards are suddenly pulled away especially in the case of betrayal.

Think of it like this. Imagine you're holding a rope tightly thinking it's strong and secure but suddenly it snaps. That jolt, that shock, that's what betrayal in a relationship can feel like.

It's not just a simple letdown it's a fundamental shock to the system. So diving right in let's explore what happens in our brains and more importantly in our hearts when trust is broken. We're not just talking about a mere disappointment here.

We're exploring how our brains process this unexpected turn of events and the emotional rollercoaster that follows. This is the heart of what I want to talk about today. Really understanding the impact of betrayal and its roots in our reward system and how it completely shakes the very foundation of our trust.

Okay so we're now stepping into territory that's a little bit more delicate and honestly a lot more personal for many of us. We're talking about trust and what happens when it's broken in a relationship. Now I've spoken about trust multiple times on the podcast before but I don't think it can ever be explored enough.

Trust is like that invisible thread that holds the fabric of a relationship together. When you trust someone you're essentially saying I believe in you, I feel safe with you. This trust is a reward that our brains cherish.

It gives us a sense of security and emotional stability but here's the hard truth. Trust is fragile. It takes years to build and just a moment to break and when it does break it's not just an emotional setback it's that biological jolt to our system.

Remember how we talked about the reward system? Well imagine it's been humming along and suddenly it hits a wall. That wall is betrayal. Betrayal especially in a romantic relationship can feel like a rug being pulled out from underneath your feet.

It's a stark violation of the reward that we've come to expect. Loyalty and love. When we are betrayed our brains go into a kind of shock.

The same system that lit up with joy at the signs of trust now reels in confusion and pain. This pain isn't just emotional it has physical manifestations too. For example during studies scans have shown that emotional pain shows up in the same part of the brain.

It activates the same part of the brain as physical pain does. You might feel it in your chest a kind of tightness or heaviness. That's your body reacting to the psychological trauma of betrayal.

You might find yourself obsessively thinking about the betrayal unable to break this cycle and this is your brain trying to make sense of the situation that goes against its inherent reward-seeking nature. So what does all this mean for us practically speaking? Well first it's crucial to understand that the feeling of devastation by betrayal is not a sign of weakness. It's natural.

It's a completely normal human response to having our trust broken. Nothing's gone wrong. It's also important to recognise that healing from betrayal is a process.

It doesn't happen overnight and there is no yardstick to compare yourself against. You can't even look at somebody else who's experienced a similar situation because everybody's journey is unique. It involves completely independently reorienting yourself and reorienting your reward system to find trust and joy in new places and in new ways.

Alright so we've talked about how our brain's reward system influences our reactions to betrayal. Now I want to approach the healing from a slightly different angle. You might remember from episode 15 where I discussed the motivational triad, the human tendency to seek pleasure, avoid pain and conserve energy.

Let's explore how this framework can help us understand why betrayal hurts so much and guide us towards healing in the context of our hardwired nature for seeking rewards. Betrayal hits us hard because it directly conflicts with two parts of the motivational triad, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. In relationships, pleasure comes from trust, love and security like I spoke about before, it's the rewards we subconsciously seek.

Betrayal on the other hand is a form of deep psychological pain, a complete contrast to the pleasure and security that we expect. The pain of betrayal can feel more intense because it goes against our basic wiring. We're programmed to seek rewarding experiences and avoid discomfort.

When trust is broken it's not just a personal setback, it's our fundamental nature being challenged. That's why the hurt runs so deep and understanding this can be one of the first steps towards healing. Healing then involves reprogramming our reward system.

It's about understanding that while betrayal is painful, our response to it doesn't have to be a permanent state. We can start by seeking new sources of emotional reward, activities and relationships that bring joy and fulfilment. We've perhaps spent a lot of our time thinking that our partner completes us, our partner fulfils all of the needs that we have in our relationships, when actually we can get all of these parts or at least a variety of these parts from many other sources and not having to put all of the onus on our significant other.

If we do this anyway in a relationship where the betrayal has happened or not, then it's a bit like the idea of having your eggs all in one basket. You know, if you distribute your eggs and you happen to drop a basket, well you only lose a small number of eggs and you've got enough to be able to, you know, still make you a great big omelette or whatever it is that you're going to do with the eggs. Well it's exactly the same here when we think about our relationships and our friendships.

If we can distribute the requirements that we have individually that we feel rewarded and fulfilled by through the connections and relationships that we nurture, then should any one of those go through a difficult period, then we have a big network of support. It's also about redefining what reward means to us. After betrayal, the concept of trust and security might need a re-evaluation.

What does a rewarding relationship look like now? It might mean setting new boundaries, finding new ways to connect with others or even rediscovering aspects of ourselves that we had previously neglected. And importantly, it's about learning to seek internal rewards. Self-compassion, self-acceptance and personal growth can become new sources of pleasure.

These internal rewards are crucial because they are within our control, unlike the actions of other people. Finally, remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. I've said it before and I will say it again.

It's about gradual progress, not instant fixes. Every step towards redefining your reward system, every moment of self compassion is a step towards healing from betrayal. So let's now talk a little bit about what we can actually do to heal and move forward in context with everything we've been talking about today.

The first step is recognising that our need for external validation, especially in relationships, is actually just a natural part of our reward-seeking behaviour. Nothing's gone wrong here, it's how we're hardwired. But these external sources can often let us down, and as in the case of betrayal, it's really time to turn inward.

So strategy one, if you like, is self-validation. Start acknowledging your own achievements, no matter how small. Did you make it through the day without breaking down? That's progress.

Did you take time for yourself? Maybe you read a book, or you went for a walk, or you just sat in silence for a little while. That's really taking care of yourself. These are the internal rewards, and they're vital for rebuilding your sense of self-worth.

Next we could talk about, maybe, new sources of joy. After betrayal, the things that once brought us pleasure, well, they might change, and that's okay. It's an opportunity to explore new activities, new hobbies, and even new friendships.

Maybe it's time to try that cooking class that you've always thought about, or perhaps join a local group that shares an interest of yours. These new experiences can become fresh sources of emotional rewards. Reconnect to old friends, you know, just reignite something or create something new.

You'll be surprised what you're capable of if you put your mind to it. Another key strategy is mindfulness, meditation. These practises help us stay grounded and stay centred.

This can look different for everybody, and there's no pressure to imagine yourself as some yogi sat on a mountain for days on end. This can literally just be 30 seconds, a minute, five minutes, as you sit on the side of your bed when you get up in the morning, just reflecting, just breathing, just focussing on one particular thing, or even just allowing those thoughts to come into your mind and then pass through. One of the common techniques that are used in light meditations is the idea that we think of our thoughts a little bit like clouds, and they just pass by, they appear, and then they just continue on their journey, and they don't mean anything.

We don't have to judge them, we can just allow them to be there. Mindfulness really does teach us how to observe our feelings without judgement. It allows us to process and move through them far more effectively.

Finally, don't underestimate the power of professional help, therapy, counselling, coaching. Speaking with a professional can provide insights that you simply, I'm not going to say you cannot reach on your own, but it's significantly harder to reach on your own. Plus, you can be provided with much more personalised coping strategies that really are tailored to your individual experience.

It's a space where you can openly discuss your feelings and start to understand them in the context of the reward system that we've been discussing. Of course, I would love to be able to help you personally on your journey, so if you feel that you've been struggling with a combination of the things that we've spoken about on the podcast, you know, you've been researching and reading and consuming information but still feeling stuck in some way, then please let's talk, let me try and help you move forward, and you know, if it looks like we're a good fit to work together, we can explore that, but really it is about having that conversation and moving you forward in your journey today. You can do that simply by visiting LifeCoachLuke.com and you'll find a link on the main page to book a call, and we'll be talking in no time.

Remember, healing really isn't a linear process. It's absolutely normal to have good days and bad days. The key is always about moving forward, even if it's just one small step each day.

So, as I draw today's episode to a conclusion, I want to leave you with a thought. Healing from betrayal is not just about getting over a painful experience. It's about understanding ourselves.

It's about learning to find joy and validation from within, and ultimately coming out stronger on the other side. So, thank you ever so much once again for joining me today on the After The Affair podcast. It's an absolute pleasure to be part of your journey.

Remember, you are not alone in this. We're all navigating these challenges together, trying to find ways to heal and grow. I'm Luke Shillings, and I can't wait to speak to you all again next week.

Take care of yourself.