67. Facing Failure after Infidelity: Shifting the Narrative

Failure. It's a word that can feel like a punch to the gut, especially after infidelity. Whether you feel like you've failed your partner, your family, or even yourself, the shame and fear that come with it can feel paralysing. But what if we’ve been viewing failure all wrong?

In this episode, I help you unpack the real meaning of failure after infidelity. Together, we explore how to shift from blame and shame into growth and self-compassion. If you’ve been stuck in cycles of regret, this conversation will give you the tools to reframe failure and move forward with courage.

Key Takeaways:

• How redefining “failure” can transform your emotional recovery

• The difference between constructive and self-sabotaging failure

• Why your interpretation of setbacks matters more than the setbacks themselves

• The emotional stages of grief after infidelity and how to navigate them

• Practical ways to use failure as a stepping stone to relationship clarity

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you ever felt like a failure in your relationship? How did that shape your healing?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After the Affair podcast episode number 67 and the first one in 2024. I'm Luke Shillings your host, your companion should you like on this journey towards understanding and growth.

I want to thank you for joining me today. Your engagement and feedback have been invaluable and it's really heartening to know that this podcast is a source of support for many of you. If it has helped you please consider rating and reviewing on your respective podcast platform, it really helps.

I've had messages leading up to the latter part of last year with many topics and different ideas to focus on for 2024 so I will endeavour to include as many of those as I possibly can. In this episode we're diving deeper into the realm of perceived failure in relationships after infidelity. Often the focus in relationships is on the prevention of failure or achieving success but there's an urgent need for more nuanced conversations about the understanding and the managing of failure particularly after trust has been shattered.

A common fear I encounter in my coaching practise is the apprehension of failing again in a relationship. So let's explore this fear. What does failure really mean in the context of a relationship affected by infidelity? To better understand this we must first define failure.

In seeking a somewhat universal definition I found one that stands out. Failure is the omission of expected or required action. This definition shifts the narrative of failure from a devastating blow to a mere deviation from our expectations.

It's not about the events themselves but rather the meanings that we assign to them. When expectations aren't met, be it in our actions or our partners, it can feel deeply personal. Yet this feeling often arises from our interpretation of these events.

To shield ourselves from the discomfort of failure we might lower expectations leading to a stagnant unfulfilling life. However here lies an opportunity for a transformative idea. Our reaction to unmet expectations is within our control.

The emotional turmoil associated with failure stems from our thoughts about the situation. If we view a relationship lapse as a personal failure we are likely to feel complete despair. But if we perceive it as a chance for growth and deeper understanding our emotional response becomes, well, more constructive.

Avoiding failure often means avoiding the emotions that it brings. Yet we hold complete control over these emotions. We are the product of our own thoughts and our own interpretations.

Remember our thinking creates our feeling. This understanding opens the door to altering our response to failure, especially in the delicate process of infidelity recovery. Consider a scenario in your journey of rebuilding trust after betrayal.

You and your partner have set goals and expectations. What if these aren't met? You face a choice in how to view this setback. You can see it as a crushing defeat, deepening self-doubt and mistrust, or as a moment to actually deepen the understanding and address the underlying issues more effectively within your relationship.

The way that we frame failure is crucial, viewing it as a stepping stone rather than a roadblock. This can radically change our approach to healing in relationships. Differentiating between failure that comes from stepping outside of our comfort zone and failure due to a lack of effort or engagement is critical.

In infidelity recovery, stepping out of our comfort zone might involve confronting deep fears or working towards rebuilding trust despite the risk of being hurt again or even more in the short term that is. This type of failure is constructive and is often vital for healing. On the other hand, failing due to a lack of effort such as avoiding essential conversations or not committing to therapy is counterproductive and a form of self-sabotage that can hinder progress.

It's also important to approach failure with some self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you navigate this challenging journey. Each setback can be considered a new opportunity.

Continuing our exploration of failure in the context of relationships post infidelity is crucial to understand the stages of emotional response that sometimes accompany such failures. These stages often mirror those of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Each stage represents a step in the journey towards recovery and rebuilding after an affair.

Denial can manifest as a refusal to acknowledge the impact of infidelity or the depth of the failure in the relationship. This stage is often characterised by a sense of shock and disbelief. It's a defence mechanism that helps us cope with the initial pain.

Recognising this stage allows us to begin the process of healing by acknowledging the reality of the situation. Anger follows as a natural response to the perceived injustice and betrayal. It's important to express this anger constructively without causing further harm to the relationship.

Anger can be a catalyst for change, prompting us to address the underlying issues that led to the infidelity. Then we move on to bargaining which often involves attempting to regain control or negotiate our way out of the pain. It may include revisiting what-if scenarios or trying to make deals with ourselves or our partners to avoid the full impact of the failure.

This stage reflects our struggle to find meaning and gain perspective on what's happened. Then there's the depression. Depression in the wake of infidelity.

This can have a profound sense of sadness and loss. It encompasses the mourning of the relationship as it was before the affair. This stage requires compassion and support both from ourselves and from others.

It's an integral part of the process. Finally comes acceptance but acceptance is not about condoning the actions that led to the failure but rather about acknowledging and accepting what has happened. This stage opens the door to true healing and rebuilding.

Acceptance allows us to move forward learning from the experience and growing stronger in the process. Each of these stages is a step towards understanding and managing the perception of failure in a relationship affected by infidelity. It's a non-linear process with each stage presenting its own challenges and its own opportunities for growth.

In addition to understanding these emotional stages it's also vital to recognise the role of communication. Open honest communication is the cornerstone of rebuilding trust and understanding. It involves not only talking but also listening.

I mean really listening to what your partner is saying. It's about creating a safe space where both parties can express their feelings, their fears, their hopes and everything that they want to achieve together in the future. Effective communication also means being honest with ourselves.

It requires introspection and a willingness to confront our own vulnerabilities and mistakes. This self-awareness is key to personal growth and plays a crucial role in the recovery process. Many of the conversations I have with my clients stem a lot around this part of the process.

This recognition of how they can grow as an individual by reflecting on their own behaviour over the previous weeks, months, years, decades or however long the relationships have been going. Again this is not an opportunity to self sabotage or criticise or self blame. It's an opportunity to reflect back with hindsight and use what we can see and what we've learned from that to better ourselves in future relationships.

Even the subtlest things can really help. One of the things that I noticed in my own personal relationship was that perhaps I just thought that my wife was thinking the same way that I did about many things and therefore we didn't discuss certain things. So there was an element of communication in our relationship which wasn't as effective as it could have been and over a period of time we just gradually grew slightly apart and I didn't notice this.

So although it doesn't change the outcome in this particular scenario going into future relationships it completely changes how I will communicate with my partners. Furthermore seeking support whether it's through counselling, coaching with somebody like me, support groups or trusted friends and families, this always plays an essential aspect of dealing with perceived failure in relationships whether you are the one who has been betrayed or the one or you are the person who has been unfaithful. These sources of support provide perspective, guidance and some reassurance that you're actually not going through this alone.

As I wrap up this episode I want to remind you that the journey through infidelity and the perceived failures that come with it is a path to growth and deeper understanding. This is an opportunity that you can take. It might not be what you wanted.

I know that. It might not be the way that you had envisaged things. I know that as well but we cannot change the past.

We can dwell on it for as long as we like or we can take control of our situation. We can process the emotions that we are experiencing and then we can be intentional about how we want to move forward. That's going to look slightly different for everybody who is listening.

It's a journey that requires patience, compassion, resilience. So please embrace each step of this journey knowing that it leads to a stronger, more resilient self and future relationships. I invite you once again to share your experiences with me.

You can contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com. Many people do and I absolutely love to receive the emails. I'll always respond. It's only me that responds to my emails.

There's no third person or third party. So please let's continue to support and learn from each other. Thank you once again for being a part of the After The Affair community and until next time remember that every challenge is an opportunity for growth.

Can't wait to speak to you all again next week. Take care.