65. Choice or Obligation: Should I stay or leave after the affair?

When your world has been turned upside down by infidelity, even the simplest questions can feel impossibly heavy. You might find yourself torn between two equally painful options: stay and face the hard work of rebuilding, or leave and face the unknown. This episode explores that paralysing moment when everything points towards leaving, yet something deeper keeps you tethered.

I dive into the psychological push-and-pull that many betrayed and unfaithful partners experience when deciding whether to stay or go. Through raw, real-life stories and practical insights, you'll discover what’s truly driving your choices, and how to move forward with clarity and self-respect.

Key Takeaways:

• How obligation, fear, and self-worth shape the decision to stay after betrayal

• What the unfaithful partner often feels, but rarely shares, after the affair

• The emotional cost of staying out of duty versus staying by choice

• Why forgiveness isn’t about condoning, but about freeing yourself from pain

• Four clear, actionable steps to help you find relationship clarity

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you ever felt stuck between staying and leaving after being betrayed?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and you are listening to episode number 65.

There have been many conversations over the last few weeks with people who are struggling after an affair. There has been a consistent theme that seems to be playing out across most people's stories. It's that point where everything seems to be pointing towards leaving.

They want to leave but there's this deeper obligation that they feel to stay. I want to explore these conflicting emotions and tough decisions and it's about that critical junction where every single sign might be pointing towards the exit but there's a part of you that feels somewhat tethered to the relationship even after the devastating revelation of an affair. This episode is a deep dive into the hearts and minds of the betrayed and the unfaithful.

I don't want to just pay attention to the betrayed here because actually it can happen just as easily on both sides. Why does somebody stay in a relationship that's been affected by betrayal and consequently what goes on in the mind of someone who strayed yet feels compelled to remain? These are difficult questions and there of course are no easy answers but by exploring these experiences and from both sides I hope to shed some light on the intricate web of emotions and obligations that entangle individuals in the aftermath of infidelity. So whether you're in the throes of this dilemma or simply seeking to understand the dynamics of such situations, this episode promises to offer a nuanced perspective on one of the most challenging predicaments in human relationships.

On our journey today I'll take us through the perspectives of both partners involved in the affair, delve into the psychological insights and finally offer some guidance on navigating these turbulent waters. So let's begin. I want to begin our journey by stepping into the shoes of the betrayed partner.

The discovery of an affair is akin to a significant shift in the very foundation of a relationship. It's a challenging mix of emotions, shock, grief, anger and an overwhelming sense of betrayal. Many of you listening I'm sure can relate to this.

I know I can. One day you're living with what you believe to be a content life with your partner and the next you're grappling with a reality that feels like a nightmare. The pain isn't just about the infidelity but the shattering of trust and the future that you had planned together.

Yet despite this hurt many people do choose to stay. But why? For some it's the children, the desire to provide a stable home to shield them from pain of a broken family. For others it's the fear of societal judgement or familial expectations or the daunting prospect of just starting over.

And let's not overlook financial dependency, especially for those who may have sacrificed their own careers for the sake of a family. It's important to recognise that these decisions aren't made lightly. Staying in many cases is a choice weighed down by obligation and also fear and a myriad of other factors that go beyond the love or in some cases the lack thereof.

I want to share a story from a client. I'm going to call her Anna, her name has been changed and she found herself in this exact situation. She had been married to Michael for 15 years.

They had two children together of which they both loved. Their life as described by her was comfortably mundane, full of small joys and the just the usual challenges of family life. The revelation came out of nowhere.

She found incriminating messages on Michael's phone. It was just a casual glance that turned her world upside down. The affair had been going on for months.

Anna described the feeling as if the ground had been pulled from under her. It was a physical pain, as if it had been hollowed out, I remember her saying. In the days and weeks that followed, Anna grappled with a challenge of emotions.

There was anger, a sense of betrayal so profound it left her questioning everything she knew about her husband, their marriage and even herself. There was grief too, of course, for the loss of the relationship she thought she had and the future that she had envisioned. But amongst all this turmoil Anna ultimately faced a decision, to leave or to stay.

She thought about her children, their family unit, the memories that they had built together but there was also fear, fear of the unknown, of being alone and the stigma of a broken marriage. Part of me felt like I should leave, she recalled, but another part couldn't let go of the life that we had built. This inner conflict was a daily struggle.

She sought counselling, both individually and with Michael. She found herself bouncing back and forwards between hope and despair. Some days I thought we could rebuild, start afresh.

Other days I couldn't even look at him without feeling an intense surge of betrayal. Over time, with professional help and deep self-reflection, she found the clarity she was looking for. Ultimately she chose to stay, but not out of obligation.

It was from a place of conscious decision. It wasn't easy, but she admitted that she realised that leaving would be more about running away from the pain than facing it. Of course, Michael's participation in the healing journey was a significant factor as well.

She didn't do it entirely alone. She said she chose to stay because she believed that they both had the capacity to grow and learn from this, and that's exactly what they did. Today Anna speaks of her journey as one of painful growth.

The trust is slowly rebuilding and while the scars remain, she sees them as part of her story. The story of resilience and the complex nature of love and forgiveness, particularly after betrayal. This is just another example of the testament to complicated decisions faced by those who experience betrayal.

It's a reminder of the strength it takes to navigate the aftermath of an affair, regardless of the decision to stay or leave. It's also a powerful reminder of the inner conflict that many can face. The decision to stay can lead to a path of healing and renewed trust, but it can also mean enduring ongoing pain and resentment.

It's a delicate balance, one that requires immense strength and often professional guidance. And remember we've spoken about resentment before. Resentment is like the cancer of relationships.

It builds gradually, almost unseen over time, and eventually becomes a point where there's nothing that can be done about it, or at least it's extremely difficult to do anything about it. This experience sheds light on just one side of this really complicated issue. After hearing from the betrayed side, I now want to shift our focus to the other side of this complex equation, the perspective of the unfaithful partner.

It's a viewpoint that's often fraught with guilt, confusion, and an array of misunderstood emotions. Infidelity is rarely black and white. It's entangled in layers of personal history, unmet needs, and sometimes unresolved internal conflicts.

For the one who strays, the aftermath of an affair is often a maze of guilt and self-reckoning. So let's delve into what drives someone to infidelity, yet compels them to stay in the relationship. It's a mix of fear and realisation.

Fear of losing not just a partner, but a family, a way of life. And for some, there's the stark realisation of the enormity of their mistake and the desire to make amends. Guilt can be a powerful motivator.

It can bind the unfaithful partner to the relationship in a way that's compelling as it is complex. There's often a profound sense of responsibility towards the hurt partner, a need to right the wrong, even if it means facing daily reminders of the pain that they caused. Now I want to introduce you to David, who is also bravely sharing his experience of being the unfaithful partner.

David's journey into and out of infidelity offers a glimpse into the complex psyche of the unfaithful partner, which is really useful to have, particularly from the perspective of the betrayed. One of the most powerful things that I found in helping me get clarity on my situation was trying to at least understand and empathise and maybe even offer some compassion for the person who has caused this situation. David had been married for over a decade.

Their marriage, in his words, was comfortable, but lacking a certain spark. It was this void, he explained, that led him down a path he never actually thought he'd take. The affair began as a friendship, an emotional connection that just gradually crossed lines.

He described it as a slow descent into something that he knew was wrong, yet couldn't seem to pull away from. The affair was a secret escape, a world where he felt valued in ways he believed were missing in his marriage. When Sarah discovered the affair, David's secret world came crashing down.

The pain in her eyes, he recalled, was a jolt back into a harsh reality. Seeing her so broken, he felt like the lowest of the low. He had become someone he didn't recognise, someone he never wanted to be.

In the aftermath, David was engulfed with guilt. The realisation of the hurt he caused his wife and their family was overwhelming. Every day was a struggle.

He was left seesawing between wanting to escape the guilt whilst desperately wanting to fix what he had broken. Despite the challenge David chose to stay in the marriage, of course this was in part due to the fact that Sarah also wanted to try and rebuild the relationship, his decision stemmed from a deep sense of remorse and a genuine desire to repair the damage. He couldn't undo what he had done, but he couldn't walk away from the wreckage either.

He owed it to Sarah, to his kids, to himself and to at least try and make things right. His journey towards healing was difficult, it was fraught with arduous challenges, it involved intense spouts of counselling and therapy, both individually and as a couple. David had to confront difficult truths about himself as a had about himself and of course his actions.

It was about understanding his motivations, his failings and learning how to be a better partner and ultimately a better person. Today he talks of his experience with a sense of sober reflection. The road to rebuilding trust in his marriage is ongoing, there are good days and there are bad.

The scars of what I did will always be there, he says, but there are part of our journey towards something far better, something much more honest. It also highlights the often overlooked emotional turmoil of the unfaithful partner. The path to healing in such cases is steep, it requires confronting hard truths fast.

There's almost an additional pressure and you know arguably justifiably so on the unfaithful partner to deal with these things quick and rapidly whilst trying to be the best partner they can going forward and enduring the betrayed partner's pain and just working tirelessly to rebuild that trust. For many, like David, professional help and self-reflection can become crucial tools. It's really about understanding the why behind their actions and then learning to forge healthier patterns in the relationship.

David's narrative, much like Anna's before, underscores the complexity of relationships after an affair. It's a reminder that the journey of the unfaithful partner is not just about seeking forgiveness but also about that profound personal transformation. Okay, while we've explored the complexities of staying in a relationship after an affair, it's equally important to acknowledge that sometimes leaving is the healthiest option.

The decision to leave a relationship, especially in the context of betrayal, is profoundly personal and often fraught with emotional turmoil. It's not about giving up, it's about recognising when a relationship is beyond repair or it's actually just detrimental to that person's mental and emotional well-being. There are several signs that might indicate it's time to move on.

These include persistent feelings of unhappiness, lack of trust that cannot be rebuilt, ongoing resentment or when the relationship becomes abusive in any form. It's crucial to understand that staying in a harmful situation is not a testament to one's strength or commitment. To illustrate this, I want to share a third story, this time from Emily.

Emily had been married to Alex for seven years when she discovered his affair. Not only was discovering the affair a terribly painful thing for Emily but it was also a wake-up call to deeper issues in their relationship. Upon discovery of the affair, Emily was engulfed in a range of emotions not dissimilar to that of Anna that we heard from earlier.

There was shock, sadness and a profound sense of betrayal. Despite the hurt, she initially tried to salvage the marriage. She'd said that she thought that that's what she was supposed to do, you know, to fight for the relationship, for our family.

But as they attempted to work through the betrayal, she began to realise that the affair was symptomatic of a deeper issue, a lack of communication, emotional disconnect and unresolved personal conflicts. She said that she started to see patterns, patterns of neglect, of not feeling valued or heard. The journey towards deciding to leave was gradual.

She sought professional help and confided in some close friends which became a space for her to unravel her feelings and understand what she truly wanted. It was about learning to listen to herself, to recognise that her happiness and well-being were important too. The decision to leave came after months of reflection.

She said, Leaving the marriage was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. It marked the beginning of the new chapter. It was a time of mixed emotions, grief for what was lost but also a sense of liberation and self-empowerment.

She said that the journey after leaving was about rediscovering who I am, outside of the identity of a wife and that of the betrayed partner. Several years later and now in a new relationship she reflects back on the sense of peace and clarity that committing to that decision really helped her achieve. It led her to a path of healing, of self-love and building a life that really felt true to who she was.

Leaving a relationship, particularly in the wake of betrayal, is a journey that requires a great deal of courage and self-care. It's about setting healthy boundaries for your own well-being and seeking support from friends, family or wherever you can get it. This message is not about what is the right decision, which decision is better than the other.

It's about empowering you to make the decision that's right for you, regardless of your individual situation or circumstances, and basing that on a deeper understanding of your own needs, your own values and your long-term well-being. Remember whether you choose to stay or leave is a decision that takes strength and courage. What's most important is that it is in fact a choice and that that choice reflects your needs and leads you towards a healthier, happier life.

After hearing the personal stories of Anna, David and Emily, let's look at some of the psychological aspects at play. These insights are drawn from my own personal experience and that as a relationship coach. Firstly, let's talk about cognitive dissonance, the state where our actions conflict with our beliefs.

Anna's struggle to reconcile staying in a marriage that betrayed her values is a perfect example. This internal conflict is a common aftermath of infidelity, where decisions are often at odds with personal beliefs, leading to significant emotional distress. Then there's the social conditioning, which plays a substantial role in how we view relationships and how we handle betrayals.

Like David, many grow up with the preconceived notions of relationships, which can lead to actions like infidelity, when unmet expectations and needs arise. Similarly, emotional dependency, as seen in Emily's decision to leave, shows the importance of establishing her happiness, in this case, and her identity independently for a healthy relationship dynamic. I think this is really important to understand.

As a coach, I emphasise the importance of understanding the why behind our actions. It's very important to take control of why we choose to do the things we do and be okay with our decisions. It's liking our why, understanding our why.

This involves unpacking our emotions, our insecurities and sometimes past traumas. It's a challenging process at times, but essential for true healing and growth and can make such a significant difference on the other side. Both the betrayed and the betrayer need to embark on this journey of understanding to move forward, whether together or apart.

I also want to mention the role of forgiveness. Forgiveness, both self-forgiveness, in David's case, and forgiveness towards a partner, as in Anna's example, is crucial. It's important to note that forgiveness is not about condoning the hurtful partner, but about releasing the grip of resentment and pain, allowing for your own healing and potentially a new start.

It's not about the other person. I was on a call just the other day with a client and we were talking about the topic of forgiveness and there was this deep-set belief that forgiveness meant letting their partner off the hook, as though that they were condoning or approving somehow of that person's behaviour, their partner's behaviour. But of course this is not true at all.

I asked the question, if you were to forgive right now in this moment, let's just say that you could just do that, how would that affect your partner? Of course there was a moment of silence. It became very clear that it would have no impact on their partner at all, nothing. The only person it could possibly affect was them, themselves, because that's what forgiveness is.

It's about releasing that burden from you. When you're in a state of not forgiving, you are holding on to that pain and sometimes that's a very active choice, you very conscious choice even. But is it really helpful when it comes to moving forward? You can still be angry and upset and frustrated and disappointed and certainly not supportive of the actions of the other person, while still feeling forgiveness or still offering forgiveness, because you are the only person experiencing that feeling of forgiveness, just like you're the only person who's experiencing the feeling of withholding forgiveness.

And all of this plays an important part of your own personal growth after healing from an affair. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or choose to leave, it's about finding a path that leads you to a healthier emotional state and more fulfilling future relationships. Which leads me on to the final part of the episode where we explore how to navigate the crossroads after an affair.

Now it's about finding the path forward, whether that means rebuilding the relationship or starting anew completely on your own. A critical first step is honest self-evaluation. Ask yourself, what do I need from a relationship? Can these needs be met in the current situation? It's essential to differentiate between fear-driven decisions and those based on genuine desire for reconciliation or change.

Communication is key, especially in situations like Anna and David's, where the decision is to stay and rebuild. This involves open, often quite difficult conversations about needs, feelings and just how to move forward together as a couple. It's not just about talking though, it's also about listening.

I mean really listening and hearing your partner's perspective. The temptation because we're inside our own minds is only to focus on what it is that we're experiencing without really taking into account our partner's thoughts and feelings. Actively listening what it is that they're saying can make a big difference in terms of how you're interpreting their behaviour.

Because maybe up until this point you've been assuming you know how they think and you're assuming you know how they feel. It's very easy and very common for many people to walk around and believe that other people think the same way that we do and the reality is just so far from the truth. We often just assume that and sometimes it's through a little bit of people-pleasing.

Particularly if you've been in a relationship for a long time there's been lots of nodding and agreeing subtly in very small levels. Over a period of time you lead to believe that you truly understand what it is that your partner thinks and feels and more often than not it's not true. For many people professional support, counselling, coaching, therapy is invaluable.

I know I mentioned this on the podcast a lot and I sometimes feel an honest element of guilt like I'm trying to push my own services for example. Obviously if people want to come and work with me then the option is always available but that's really not the point. It's just the evidence supports that when we try and solve these really challenging problems on our own, although possible, is very difficult.

So by seeking professional support it can make such a difference in not only the length of time that it takes to heal from a difficult situation like this but also the quality in which you go through that process. It's not just about getting over and handling this specific situation. It's about building up resilience and learning tools and concepts and ideas that can help you deal with future situations much more effectively and much more intentionally.

Regardless of the healing path you choose, personal reflection is crucial. Taking time to understand your own emotions and your own thoughts and feelings and how to heal. Self-care is not selfish.

It's absolutely essential. Activities like meditation, journaling or just physical exercise, being in the outdoors, making connection with other human beings can be hugely therapeutic. Remember Emily's journey.

It was her commitment to self-reflection and care that guided her decision to leave for a healthier life. I'd like to offer four simple tips to help you if you're in this difficult situation of trying to decide whether to stay or leave or you've got these inner conflicts going on. First, set realistic expectations.

Healing can take time. It's not the only factor and there may be setbacks. Number two, establish clear boundaries.

Whether you stay or leave, define what is acceptable to you. Three, seek support. Don't do this alone.

Lean on friends, family, support groups or professionals. And finally, stay future focused. Focus on what you can build moving forward rather than what was lost.

Where we focus our attention in these situations has such a massive impact on the direction that we take and how quickly we heal. It's so often that I have conversations with people whereby they've been struggling in the same repeated cycle of misery and pain and upset and hurt for such long periods of time. This can be weeks, months or even years and they remain feeling this way because they keep focussing on everything that has happened.

The things that exist in the past which can no longer be changed. So rather recognising them as well this is the set of circumstances I have, how do I want to move forward? Instead it's focussing on these and look at all the ways these this set of circumstances are holding me back. And when we shift our perspective from that thing is holding me back to this is an obstacle that I need to overcome, how can I move forward? Even just that can be the shift that some people need to make an intentional change moving forward.

So let's just quickly recap those four steps. Set realistic expectations. Establish clear boundaries.

Seek support and stay future focused. All of those will help you get clarity on your current situation and make the decision-making part of the process, although still difficult, it gives it clarity, it gives it a framework, it gives it some structure to be able to start to intentionally focus on what it is that you want and how to move forward from that place. I want to leave you with this thought.

The journey after an affair is undoubtedly challenging but it's also an opportunity for profound personal growth and strengthening of relationships. Whether you choose to rebuild or to walk away know that there is always a path forward. It may not be the path that you had imagined but there is always a path forward as long as you are getting up every day, eating, sleeping, just existing in the world, then there is a path to be taken and at every given point you get to choose which path you take and I have confidence that when you apply these tools, techniques, do the work, that you will find the strength to actually get up and walk it.

Thank you once again for joining me on the After the Affair podcast. I'm Luke Shillings and I look forward to continuing our journey together well into 2024 which is looming and I look forward to speaking to you all again next week. Remember if you do need any support, any further resources, you have questions, then contact me.

You can reach out directly Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com. I'll talk to you all very soon.