63. What if it was me? Self-Reflection in the Wake of Betrayal

After betrayal, one painful thought haunts many of us: “Was it my fault?” This question can spiral into guilt, shame, and self-criticism, leaving you stuck and questioning your worth. I know this because I’ve been there myself, and I’ve heard it countless times from those I coach.

But infidelity is always a choice made by the person who cheats. Still, exploring your role in the relationship can be a powerful opportunity for healing, growth, and building future clarity. In this episode of After the Affair, I’ll unpack the difference between blame and self-reflection after breakup, and how to turn your painful questions into tools for personal transformation.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand why “Was it me?” is a natural yet misleading question after betrayal.

• Learn how self-reflection differs from self-blame and why it’s key for healing.

• Explore how communication, boundaries, and unmet needs shape relationship dynamics.

• Discover how betrayal can be a catalyst for resilience, emotional growth, and self-trust.

• Take away practical reflection questions to help you grow without carrying false guilt.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you ever found yourself asking “Was it my fault?” after betrayal? How has that question shaped your healing?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After the Affair podcast. I'm Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 63.

So let's get stuck in with a difficult question and it's a question that I think comes up for most people who have experienced betrayal. I certainly know it did for me. I also know it regularly makes an appearance in many of my clients stories as well when we ask ourselves well what if it was my fault? The affair.

What if I'm the reason that my partner had an affair? I mean it seems like a fair question. I was certainly there. I was in the relationship.

I acted in a particular way. Maybe my actions actually drove her to look elsewhere and have an affair. No look I know you know me better than that by now.

Of course infidelity in a relationship, although complicated, is never solely the fault of one partner. In fact actually when we consider it from the perspective of responsibility it can only be the person who has betrayed that is responsible for the act of betrayal by definition. However as difficult as it may be this can sometimes be a useful question to ask ourselves or at least we could maybe reframe it slightly.

So rather than what if it was my fault maybe we could ask ourselves well what part did I play? Or what could I have done differently? Not with the intention of beating ourselves up but really to use this experience as a mirror to reflect on ourselves. Again not to place blame but just to understand and to grow because surely if we can learn something from this moving forward then well why wouldn't we? When we experience betrayal our first instinct might be to look inward and quite critically as well. It's a pretty natural human reaction you know we'll ask ourselves you've heard me say this before but I'll run through them again you know could I have done something differently? Was there something I missed? You know these questions while they stem from a place of pain can also be the starting point for journey of self-discovery.

In my own experience and in the experiences of many people that I've coached I've seen how these moments of introspection can be so transformative. Usually at the beginning of a coaching clients journey or anybody who is trying to get over betrayal one of the first things that they want to do is go back to a point in time where everything was as it was before the affair. But when we start analysing that and looking at it in a bit more detail it's not always quite as pretty and rosy as we remembered it.

When we start looking at the behaviour and the relationship and the communication and how everything was it doesn't always fit that ideal perception of the perfect relationship. It's not about scrutinising every flaw or questioning your worth it's about acknowledging that every relationship is a two-way street and with dynamics and patterns shaped by both partners reflecting on these patterns doesn't mean you are responsible for the betrayal but it does mean you have the power to learn from this experience. For example consider communication in your relationship.

Were there unspoken frustrations or needs? Did you feel heard and understood by your partner and did you make an effort to understand them? More often than not we find that communication breakdowns play a significant role in relationship difficulties and this doesn't justify infidelity but it can highlight areas where we might grow and improve ourselves in future relationships. Or perhaps think about boundaries. Were your boundaries respected in your relationship? More importantly did you clearly define and uphold your boundaries? Did you even have boundaries? Understanding and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for any relationship.

Sometimes the pain of infidelity can reveal where our boundaries were unclear or not respected offering us completely different viewpoints and insights into how we might approach them differently in the future. It's also worth exploring our own needs and expectations within a relationship. Were your needs being met and were you vocal about them? Were your expectations realistic and communicated effectively? Often we operate on assumptions and unspoken expectations which can lead to misunderstandings and disappointments.

Reflecting on these aspects can teach us the importance of clear communication and understanding in maintaining healthy relationships. In this self-reflection journey it's essential to approach yourself with kindness and compassion. This is not about self-criticism it's about self-awareness.

It's about understanding your role in the relationship dynamics. Not to blame yourself but to empower yourself with knowledge and insight. This knowledge can be a powerful tool in your healing process and in building a stronger more fulfilling relationship in the future whether that's within your current or future relationships.

As I move through today's episode just keep in mind that this journey of exploration is about finding strength in your own vulnerability. It's learning from your experiences and growing as an individual. The goal is not to find fault with yourself but to emerge stronger, wiser and more self-aware.

I want to dive into the heart of personal transformation after experiencing infidelity. I've often said that in the darkest times we can find the greatest opportunities for growth. It's often the catalyst that was unexpected.

It's this power, this fuel, this energy that comes from an unwanted or undesired situation. While dealing with infidelity is obviously without doubt very painful it also presents a unique chance to look inward and to learn about ourselves in ways that we just haven't done before. One of the most significant areas of growth I've observed both in myself and those I've coached is the discovery of personal strength and resilience.

When faced with a devastating reality of your partner's betrayal it's natural to feel broken but within this breaking there's an opportunity to rebuild, often stronger and way more resilient than before. This isn't always obvious at the beginning but it's only when we look back at the various time points during the journey that you can really recognise these foundations that have been put in place, these structures. It's like everything has been done with intent and it's a far more stable ground to be stood on when faced with any future discomfort or unforeseen circumstances.

For instance I worked with one client who after the initial shock of the affair began to explore parts of himself that he just completely neglected. He rediscovered old hobbies, reconnected with friends, made new friends and started setting very specific personal goals. This process wasn't just about distraction it was about a complete rediscovery of self-worth and identity outside of the previous relationship and actually it was separate to any future relationship as well.

This was a rediscovery and growth on the individual level which everybody that he would then come into future contact with would benefit from. Another vital aspect of post-infidelity growth is learning to trust again. This doesn't just mean trusting your future partner but trusting yourself.

Many people question their judgement after being betrayed and that's reasonable but through careful introspection, careful self-discovery and some healing it's possible to completely rebuild this self-trust. It involves understanding what happened, recognising red flags and also just acknowledging the strength in your decision-making and intuition. You can learn lots more about self-trust in some of my previous episodes.

Let's also talk about emotional intelligence and awareness. Navigating the aftermath of infidelity often requires us to confront and process a range of intense emotions. Anger, grief, confusion, bitterness, resentment.

This emotional journey while challenging can deepen our emotional understanding and our empathy. We get to live and experience the whole human experience and that includes all emotions. Although some emotions clearly are less desirable than others, we still get to experience it and when we sit back and we don't judge the emotion for what it is and we just acknowledge and become aware of the experience that we're having in our body in that moment it's actually quite amazing.

It's only when we attach the stories to it that does it give it the the meaning of dread and uncertainty. But it can really teach us about our own emotional triggers and how we respond to them when something happens and we feel something in our body. The more alert we become at recognising that feeling, the quicker we can respond to it.

It's a bit like having somebody hurt themselves and somebody immediately jumping to call for help. This is what your inner emotional system allows you to do. Something happens, you're interpreting it very quickly but not necessarily very consciously, but your body sends you a signal, a warning straight away and when you get that and you recognise it for what it is then you can act much more intentionally going forward.

This is absolutely invaluable not just with infidelity but in all aspects of life. Additionally there's the aspect of communication. In the wake of an affair many find that they need to communicate their feelings, boundaries and needs just way more clearly.

This might be in the context of the current relationship, in its aftermath or in future relationships. Learning to articulate feelings and needs is a very powerful form of personal growth, leading to much more honest and fulfilling connections. I also want to touch on the growth that comes from forgiveness.

Now this doesn't necessarily mean forgiving the person who hurt you, although that can be part of some people's journeys. More importantly it's about forgiving yourself. It's about releasing any self-blame or guilt and understanding that you did the best that you could with the knowledge and resources that you had at the time.

This is not a competition, it's not a comparison, you're not trying to do it at a particular pace. What's important is you recognise that forgiveness is ultimately for yourself. If you can forgive you get to release the burden that you are carrying with you and that burden weighs and it hurts.

But it can also become quite comforting. It'd be quite fearful to let go of it because you feel like the other person's getting away with it. But it's not about the other person, you are the one in discomfort and by holding on to that you are actually also hurting yourself.

I encourage you to think about this really carefully. Think about all of these areas of growth. Whether it's rediscovering your identity, rebuilding trust, enhancing your emotional intelligence, improving communication or learning forgiveness, each of these areas opens up such a huge path to a more fulfilled and self-aware life.

I remember when I first moved out after my partner's affair had happened and I saw the future in a way that initially was terrifying. It's like I just did not know what came next. But then I reframed it into this idea that I would now have this blank canvas.

This blank canvas of opportunity which wasn't quite available to me in the same way beforehand and it meant that I was able to essentially paint and narrate anything I wanted. And it really was down to what actions I then took, which direction I went, what decisions I made and that all came from really understanding myself first. So going through everything that I'm talking about in this episode, I'm not just dragging these things from some self-help book, these are actual things that I applied to myself during my own healing journey and it's also the tools and techniques and ideas that we explore when working with my coaching clients as well.

At this point you might be wondering okay but how? How do you do this? So I want to list some questions that you can ask yourself. These questions aren't meant to assign blame but really try and help you foster some understanding and growth. So first I want you to consider the dynamics of your relationship before the infidelity.

So we're talking before the affair happened and I want you to ask yourself these questions. Question number one, did I fully express my needs and desires in the relationship? I want you to reflect on whether you communicated your expectations clearly and assertively. Were there unmet needs or desires that you didn't voice? Question two, how did I respond to conflict? Think about your approach to disagreements and tension that appeared in the relationship.

Did you engage constructively or did you tend to withdraw or even escalate by reacting? Question three, what were my contributions to the relationships atmosphere? So I want you to try and assess the energy and the attitude that you brought into the relationship. This is not about apportioning blame and saying oh well I behaved this way because. We just want to know what it is that you brought to the relationship.

Were you supportive? Were you distant? Were you critical or were you nurturing? Question four, did I set and respect healthy boundaries? Consider whether you established clear boundaries and if they were respected by your partner. Reflect on how you respected your partner's boundaries as well. Question five, how did I handle my partner's growth and changes? Look, relationships evolve as people grow.

To think that two people would maybe meet together let's say after school age you know 18, 19, 20 and then spend decades literally together. The likelihood that those two people are going to remain the same is well zero. People are going to change and evolve both independently and as a couple.

So think about how you reacted to the changes in your partner's life and their ambitions and their personality. Question six, what did I ignore or avoid in the relationship? This can be one of the toughest questions. Were there red flags or issues that you chose to overlook? What were the reasons behind your avoidance? These questions are designed to spark the introspection I've been speaking about and perhaps even reveal areas for personal growth.

Remember this isn't about finding faults in yourself but about understanding your role in the relationship dynamics and how you can evolve from this experience. As you think about these questions it's essential to approach this process with compassion and kindness and honesty. It's not about beating yourself up over actions that you once did, whether you regret them or not.

It's about learning from them. This self-reflection can lead to significant insights, helping you build stronger, more fulfilling relationships in the future. So take your time with these questions, rewind and re-listen if you need.

Write down your thoughts, maybe you could discuss them with a trusted friend or if you're already seeing a therapist or other professional, again bring these up, talk through them, help yourself explore. If you'd like to have a conversation with me then please reach out, answer some of these questions in an email. If you'd like to talk about them on a one-to-one basis let's book a free let's talk discovery call.

You can do this quite simply by visiting the website lifecoachluke.com and we can explore this in more detail. Before we conclude today I want to share a few examples from those who I have spoken with, some conversations I've had with some of my clients, just to illustrate the diverse experiences and learnings from the aftermath of infidelity. Now of course these names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

First there's the story of Alex. Alex wrote to me saying after my partner cheated I was consumed with self-doubt but through reflection I realised I'd have been ignoring my own needs for years. It was always about pleasing my partner.

This painful experience taught me the importance of self-care and asserting my needs in the relationship. Then we have Jordan. Jordan was a client and he'd said I used to think communication was my strong suit but after going through the recovery process I recognised that I often held back my true feelings to avoid conflict.

This realisation had been a turning point for me in learning to express myself more authentically. And finally there's Mia. Mia is somebody who I had an email exchange with a few months back.

She wrote I always blamed myself for my husband's affair but after months of self-reflection I understood that while I wasn't perfect I wasn't responsible for his choice to be unfaithful. This helped me forgive myself and start rebuilding my life with a stronger sense of self-worth. These stories highlight the varied but universal nature of the journey through infidelity.

Each person's experience is of course unique yet there are common threads of self-discovery, learning and growth. Hearing from Alex, Jordan and Mia we see how reflecting on personal behaviours and patterns can lead to profound changes in how we view ourselves and our relationships. I want to thank everybody who shared their story with me whether that's been through email, in group forums, with me directly as a client.

I absolutely value and I feel so honoured to be a part of your journey. Whether you're listening to this right now or not I know that if I've spoken to you in the past I'm sure I've shared my gratitude. But for those listening I hope these examples encourage you to engage in your own process, your own process of self-reflection and growth.

Remember the goal is not to find fault but to discover paths to a more fulfilled and self-aware existence. Thank you again for joining me today on the After The Affair podcast. If you found value in today's topic then please share it with others who might benefit.

Visit LifeCoachLuke.com for more resources and support. Go to LifeCoachLuke.com forward slash subscribe if you're not already part of the email list. Join me next time as we continue to explore the complex journey of healing after infidelity and remember every experience even the painful ones can lead to profound personal growth.

So take care and I'll speak to you all next week.