62. Overcoming Thought Addiction after Betrayal

When you've been betrayed, your mind can become your biggest obstacle. Endless “what ifs,” self-blame, and intrusive doubts swirl in your thoughts, so much so that they can begin to feel inescapable. But what if you're not just thinking these thoughts... what if you're addicted to them?

In this episode of After the Affair, I explore the idea of thought addiction, how painful thinking loops keep you stuck after infidelity, and how to break free from them. You'll discover the beliefs that hold you back and learn practical strategies to reclaim peace, clarity, and power in your healing journey.

Key Takeaways:

• Identify the most common thought patterns that emerge after betrayal, and why they feel so compelling.

• Understand the difference between natural emotional responses and unhelpful thought addiction.

• Learn why obsessively trying to "fix" your partner or the relationship can stall your healing.

• Explore empowering thoughts that foster emotional detachment and self-worth.

• Discover how to refocus on what you can control: your mind, your choices, and your future.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you noticed certain thoughts playing on repeat since the betrayal? Which ones are hardest to let go of, and which ones are helping you heal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. You're listening to episode number 62.

Okay so addiction. If I say the word addiction what comes to mind? It's almost like playing a word association game. I say addiction you say drugs.

I say addiction you say alcohol. I say addiction you say gambling and so on and we don't associate directly with any of those pre-determined ideas of what addiction is then we tend not to notice how, or at least how potentially susceptible we are to addictive behaviours. So let's just clarify addiction.

Addiction is when somebody can't stop doing something even when it's causing them harm. So it's slightly different to a habit because addiction always has a net negative outcome. It often involves a strong need or desire to keep doing the activity or using the addictive substance like drugs, alcohol or even engaging in certain types of behaviour.

Again despite the negative effects that it's actually having on their life and this need can feel so powerful that it's really quite hard to resist leading to a cycle that's very very challenging to break. So maybe you aren't addicted to alcohol. Maybe you aren't addicted to drugs.

Maybe you aren't addicted to gambling but are you thought addicted? Particularly after betrayal. For example why did this happen to me? This is such a common thought. A common thought that reflects a search for reasons or justification behind the betrayal.

Or maybe I'm just not good enough. Feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt can become predominant leading to harmful self-perception. I should have seen it coming.

Oh god I should have seen it coming. Blaming yourself for just not recognising the signs of betrayal earlier. I can never trust anyone again.

Of course this fear-based thought pattern can significantly affect and hinder your future relationships. Maybe everything was a lie. Questioning the authenticity of the entire relationship and doubting every single detail of it.

How can you trust again? Or maybe I need to get revenge. Thoughts of retaliation or wanting to make the betrayer feel the same pain that you did is completely normal. It's not useful but it's certainly natural.

When you are done or considered that you have experienced harm or hurt or discomfort as a result of somebody else's actions it's actually quite a natural response to want to avenge that scenario. But when you play that through even in your own mind it's pretty quick when you realise the utility in doing so. There is none.

It never ever works. Revenge is not possible without multiple knock-on effects. You can never just isolate that one person and make them feel just the right amount of pain in just the right amount of... for the right amount of duration under the perfect set of circumstances without impacting other people, other relationships or having some longer knock-on effect that was difficult to predict at the time.

Let alone the consequences that you might suffer as a result of taking out that revenge. If it's something that risks, you know, criminal charges or worse, it's just not worth it. Some other thoughts that I was thinking of, you know, what if I'm alone forever? You know, fear of not finding love or companionship again.

I remember thinking that my wife was the... that was it. It was like I found it. I found the one.

Which I remember feeling quite, I don't know, naive maybe? It's quite strange. You know, what if they never truly loved me? You know, doubting your partner's affection or the commitment during the relationship might seem an easy thing to grasp onto when you've been betrayed. You've had your heart ripped out.

But is that true? How about I must fix this? I really need to get them back. This obsessive focus on repairing the relationship or winning back the betrayer. Particularly if you're in a position where you're trying to rebuild the relationship and now you're taking on the entire role of doing that.

But you still see them as the problem. They are the problem and therefore they are the things that need to be fixed. They have to change.

This person has to change for me to be able to move forward. And I'm not just talking about the act of betrayal, the actual infidelity itself. I'm talking about all other elements in that person's character, their personality, their tendency to deal with emotions in a particular way, to how they handle certain situations, particularly in social events and social situations.

You know, all of these things that come up that you don't find comfortable but you believe the solution is in fixing them, rather than accepting that person for exactly who they are. Flaws and all. You know, I think sayings like that are so easy to say, but they're actually much harder to truly acknowledge and believe and follow through.

You know, this idea that I accept my partner, warts and all. You say that, actually maybe, or at least I've certainly witnessed enough people doing this, and maybe I think even I've been guilty of it myself in the past, where although I'm saying it and I'm half believing it, I'm also kind of relying on the fact that I never need to use that card. I never need to actually follow through on the warts and all part.

But the reality is, that is the goal, that is the objective, it's that unconditional love. It's like I'm going to love you for who you are regardless of your behaviour, your actions, your choices, your decisions. Now, of course, in this topic it seems so jarring to even consider that an acceptable idea.

Because it's like, well okay, is Luke telling me that I just put up with the betrayal over and over again? Does it mean that, you know, I can just, you know, thought work my way around this situation? I can just better manage my emotions and not get so upset when they betray me? No, of course that's not what I mean. Of course it's not. When we're faced with situations that we're choosing to engage in, we have the option to think about it in a different way, which can affect our emotional regulation.

When we're in a more regulated state, we're able to make much cleaner and clearer and intentional and focused decisions about every element of our life. So that part is very, very useful. However, if every time you touch the fire, you get burnt, then at some point you have to stop touching the fire.

And that is the same when it comes to partners who are repeatedly betraying. But in the same way that the fire is not inherently bad, it's just something you don't want to keep burning yourself on. So stop touching it.

And one other thought that gets stuck in our minds is, this is my fault. It's that assuming responsibility for your unfaithful partner's actions, which is bizarrely often accompanied by guilt and shame. When we tie all of these things together, let's just run through this list.

Which ones ring out for you? As I read them out, what is it that sticks out in your mind that resonates the most? Why did this happen to me? I am not good enough. I should have seen it coming. I can never trust anyone again.

Everything was a lie. I need to get revenge. What if I'm alone forever? What if they never truly loved me? I must fix this.

This is all my fault. Thoughts like these can be addictive. We can repeat them.

We hang on to them. We tell ourselves them over and over and over again. But they never lead anywhere.

They keep us stuck. They prevent us from moving forward. I know this because the list of thoughts that I've just read out are from my own journals.

I remember feeling them, like really believing them as well. But when I was in that frame of mind, although the awareness was there, the accuracy of what I was assessing was not. What I was telling myself were essentially lies, or at least an unhealthy, unhelpful narrative.

But it doesn't have to be that way. It was only in me actually writing these things down at the time and then looking at them and actually just questioning, like, hang on a minute, is that true? Do I really believe that? Is that the most sensible way to look at this situation? How is that helping me? What control am I giving myself in this moment? And I realised very quickly that I wasn't. I was actually suffocating myself.

I was restricting myself. I couldn't move forward if that was the line of thinking I was going to take. Now it didn't mean I could just flick a switch and completely rewrite everything that I believed, but I could start questioning and challenging those thoughts when they came up.

So here are some of the things that I started to use to move forward, and then hopefully some of them may resonate with you too. I am worthy of respect and love. Just that affirmation of personal value and self-worth, regardless of the betrayal.

This experience does not define me. It does not define my entire life. Again, just recognising that the betrayal itself is just one small part of an incredibly complex, multi-faceted life journey.

I am capable of overcoming challenges. I already had plenty of evidence of this in my life, through a variety of challenges that I've faced, and been able to overcome them, and in almost all cases, come out better, or at least in a way that I had never imagined. And emphasising the personal strength and resilience that I had faced in the past, and applying it to the present, helped me move forward.

And okay, even if you feel like you don't have that evidence, start small. Maybe this is the time to start. To start to build up that evidence that you can be resilient, you can be courageous, you can face these unhelpful thoughts, these unhelpful beliefs, and use them as the catalyst to make that first step forward.

I can learn and grow from this experience, and oh wow have I learned and grown from this experience. You know, several years ago I never expected that I would be sat here talking to you. I never imagined that I would be on this journey of understanding, this journey of growth, this journey of helping and supporting people who are going through similar things that I have experienced in the past.

Viewing betrayal as an opportunity for personal development and deeper understanding, if anything, has probably been the most significant thing that I couldn't have predicted going into this. But I'm so glad that it did. Okay, let's keep going.

I have the power to create a positive future. Well of course you do. You have the ability to create whatever it is that you want in your life.

If we set a goal, and then we break that down into its intricate steps, it just becomes a case of putting one foot in front of the other. But we need something to aim towards. So let's start by creating that.

Develop it in your own mind. Get it down on paper. Try to understand what a positive future even looks like for you, and then work out how to take those steps towards it.

I can find happiness again. Maintaining hope and confidence, much like the previous thought around positivity. Maintaining hope and confidence in the possibility of a future that you can enjoy, and you can feel contentment in, and satisfaction, and fulfilment.

This was a fairly useful one for me, certainly to begin with, and that is that I am not alone in my struggles. Acknowledging that there are so many other people going through this shared human experience, and the pain, and the fact that that means that there is so much availability for support. There are so many people in these shared experiences, and actually there's a temptation to feel very alone.

I spoke to it a little bit, either in last week or might have been the week before this episode, about how I'd felt, particularly during the time while I was, you know, feeling that paranoia, that uncertainty about what was actually happening. Is this really happening? Am I misinterpreting the situation? And that was a point where I wasn't communicating with anybody else. I was keeping it all internal.

I felt very alone. I really did feel like I was the only person suffering this life-changing event as it was happening. But that just wasn't true.

There are lots of people experiencing similar things, and we can all use our individual experiences to help each other grow, because no two person's path to recovery is going to look exactly the same. We take the bits that are useful, and we leave the bits that are not. I don't expect people listening to this podcast to take every single word, every single possible tool, tip, example, and follow it exactly to lead to healing.

Some people will take some parts, and some people will take other parts, and I encourage you to take the bits that feel most true and in line with who you are. I can rebuild trust in my own time. Do you understand that rebuilding trust is a process? It's not something that you can just switch on and off.

And allowing yourself that space and that time to do that is essential. We put so many expectations on ourself about how we should be doing, how far along the journey we should be by now. Don't you trust me yet? Can't I trust my partner yet? Again, these expectations that we're just piling on to ourself, and then feeling like we're failing by not achieving them by a specific time.

So, make your own timeline. There is no rush, but as long as it's a journey that you are embarking on, then you're heading in the right direction. I choose to focus on what I can control.

Now, I should have put this back at the top, and interestingly, maybe I wasn't aware at the time that I was writing these things down. But when I have people come and work with me now, that's pretty much where we start. We start with looking at the things that you can control versus the things that you cannot.

Because it's within the things that you can control that you actually have the ability to use that agency, that autonomy, that apply your skills and knowledge and ability to achieving the things that you can control. Whereas we spend most of our time feeling disconnected and frustrated and trapped by all of the things that are outside of us, all of the things that are external, and ultimately the things that we cannot control, which is not useful. So, I choose to focus on what I control, and I highly recommend that you do too.

And finally, my feelings are valid, but they don't control me. I like to think of feelings and emotions a little bit like signposts. They are options, they are notifications, they are warnings even.

They are things that are providing us with information, like we're stood at a junction, we've got all these different signposts, there might be a stop sign, there might be a giveaway sign, there might be so many miles to this destination, so many miles to that, no vehicles over this height, down this road, you know. It's providing us with all this information and then it's for us to then take those messages and choose to act in a line with our values and with a line in a line with our intentions, so that we can achieve the things that we want to achieve at any given point in time. So, really being respectful and recognising your own emotions without being overwhelmed by them is an incredibly, incredibly freeing experience, and again something that is critical in not just healing from betrayal, but in all areas of life.

And I think that's important point to make here. Okay, this podcast is called After the Affair. I am an infidelity recovery coach.

I am clearly talking to people who have experienced betrayal. However, the concepts, the tools, the way that we describe emotions, cognitive ability, and relationships as a whole, applies in every area of life. If you apply these things, they don't just improve your healing journey around betrayal, they have an impact in all of your relationships.

Relationships with your children, relationships with your family, relationships with your work colleagues. It's a relationship with yourself, of course. You know, all of these things are about being kinder to yourself, putting yourself first, so that then everybody else gets the best version of you.

I can't emphasise that enough. So, with that in mind, I'm going to read back through that last list of alternative ways of thinking that are more respectful to ourselves. But instead of thinking about them just in the concept of betrayal, I want you to think about them in relation to all areas of your life, and see how they take on a different twist.

So, I am worthy of respect and love. This experience does not define my entire life. I am capable of overcoming challenges.

I can learn and grow from this experience. I have the power to create a positive future. I can find happiness again.

I am not alone in my struggles. I can rebuild trust in my own time. I choose to focus on what I can control, and my feelings are valid, but they don't control me.

And with that, and with that, I offer you the opportunity to take some time to reflect, and to think about how these things can impact your life on the greater scale, and not just focussing on that one specific detail. As big as that detail might seem right now, it is one detail in the grand scheme of things. So let's try and expand our minds and explore all of the areas that we can modify, improve, adjust, accept, forgive, process, and ultimately just take responsibility for.

Because that's where the real power is. Before I go, I'd also like to offer a congratulations. Congratulations to each and every one of you, because if you are here, and you are listening to this, then you are taking responsibility.

You are expanding your knowledge, you're expanding your understanding, which puts you in a far stronger position when it comes to healing from betrayal, and just moving forward in your life in general. Because at the end of the day, it's a bumpy old ride, so let's do what we can to smooth that journey out as best as possible. And I will be here to try and assist you in that, and I will do exactly the same next week.

So I'll talk to you all very soon.