61. Once a Cheater: Possibly a Keeper?

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s easy to fall into the trap of black-and-white thinking, especially with beliefs like “once a cheater, always a cheater.” It feels protective, even empowering. But does it reflect the full truth? And more importantly, does it serve your healing?

In this episode of After the Affair, I explore the emotional, psychological, and relational complexities behind infidelity. We’ll unpack why this age-old phrase might be too simplistic and how embracing a more nuanced perspective could support your journey toward peace, clarity, and self-respect, whether you stay or go.

Key Takeaways:

• Challenge the myth: “Once a cheater, always a cheater” may do more harm than good; there’s more to the story.

• Understand how shame, remorse, and growth can lead to true behaviour change after infidelity.

• Explore the role of identity and how both the betrayed and unfaithful can unconsciously live into damaging labels.

• Learn why context, past trauma, and emotional disconnection are often at the root of infidelity.

• Discover how therapy, coaching, and genuine self-reflection can transform a betrayal into a turning point for deeper connection.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you struggled with the belief that people never change after infidelity? Or have you experienced remorse and transformation yourself?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings you're listening to episode number 61. Let's start with a couple of familiar scenarios.

First let's consider the lottery. When we hear about somebody winning the jackpot suddenly the idea of purchasing a ticket becomes so much more appealing. Despite the odds still remaining, well staggeringly low, the success of one individual can actually quite significantly distort our perception of probability.

Similarly thinking about lightning. Well there's a popular saying that lightning never strikes the same place twice yet in reality lightning does strike the same place multiple times especially when we think about tall structures. This phenomenon counters our ingrained belief showing how a single occurrence can mislead our understanding.

These examples highlight a crucial aspect of human psychology. How a single event can disproportionately influence our perception of the likelihood of that event occurring again. But does this principle apply seamlessly to human behaviour, specifically infidelity? The saying once a cheater always a cheater has been around for ages.

It's a blanket statement that doesn't account for the complexities of human behaviour and relationships. So today I want to explore why this idea could be a little too simplistic. This phrase is often thrown around as a warning or a definitive judgement on someone's character after they've committed infidelity.

But what does it really imply? It suggests that people are incapable of change, that their mistakes define them forever? However as a relationship coach specialising in infidelity recovery I've witnessed firsthand that this just isn't the case, at least not most of the time. People are not static. We are continually evolving, learning from our experiences and capable of profound transformation.

To understand why this myth is too simplistic we need to look at the nature of infidelity itself. Cheating is often the result of multiple factors. Emotional disconnect in the relationship, personal crises, unaddressed past traumas or even just a momentary lapse in judgement.

It's rarely about just the act itself, it's about the underlying issues that led to that decision. This saying also overlooks the crucial role of remorse and the desire for change. Many individuals who cheat experience profound regret and take active steps to understand and address the reasons behind their actions.

They engage in self-reflection, seek professional help and work to rebuild trust in their relationships. Aside from that, labelling somebody as a forever cheater can be quite harmful. It can hinder their potential for growth and reconciliation, not just in their romantic relationships but in the way that they view themselves.

And okay you might believe that they deserve it but when we identify, we've spoken about this in previous episodes, when we create an identity for ourselves it's very easy for us to live into that identity and this becomes the same for somebody who has been unfaithful, who has made a questionable decision and that includes you know we are all vulnerable to this idea, this concept. So as we explore this topic today we'll challenge this narrative a little bit more and open up the dialogue about capacity for change, growth and healing after infidelity. But before we do that let's go to the place we probably don't want to go.

That's the statistics. Statistics around infidelity are notoriously difficult to both obtain, believe and to be honest to understand in context to each individual situation. However they do exist so I'll attempt to cover what I can.

One of the more startling statistics is that infidelity occurs in up to 70% of unmarried partnerships, highlighting a significant prevalence of cheating in non-marital relationships. Individuals who have cheated in one relationship are approximately three and a half times more likely to cheat again in a subsequent relationship. Additionally up to 45% of individuals who cheated in their first relationship also did in their second.

Around 22% of men and 13% of women admit to cheating in their relationships, including those who report being happy in their marriages. This challenges the notion that infidelity is solely a result of a relationship dissatisfaction, which is often what we believe, particularly as the betrayed spouse. Some scientists suggest that the more a person cheats and lies, the more this behaviour becomes normalised in their brain.

This is similar to living into that identity, it becomes the norm because that's what they expect of themselves and it's also what other people expect of them as well. And this can make it difficult for individuals to recognise both the wrongfulness of betraying but also the lying in the relationships once it becomes part of their normal life. While past behaviour can be a strong predictor of future behaviour, it's important to note that it's by no means a determinant.

Those with a long history of infidelity are more likely to repeat such behaviour, but someone who cheated once, especially if it was a long time ago and under different circumstances, is far less likely to cheat again. The presence of guilt and a conscience can be significant in preventing future infidelity. Most people who cheat do feel guilty about their actions and are troubled by going against their own morals.

Sometimes this isn't verbalised but to say that it's not going on internally for most people then it's just not true, which can act as a deterrent for future cheating as well. The way an individual responds to the revelation of their infidelity and how they handle the aftermath can provide massive insights into the likelihood of being faithful in the future. This response is crucial for understanding their capacity for change.

Many relationship counsellors, therapists and coaches like myself have also observed many cases where individuals who cheated did not repeat the behaviour. Some cheaters learn from their mistakes and remain faithful for the rest of their lives. Perhaps this is because they took that step towards healing.

It was a very intentional decision to want to resolve the situation and therefore professionals who help people through this situation see a disproportionate number of these sat in their meetings or therapy sessions or coaching calls. So I think as an overview although the statistics don't always paint the best of pictures there is definitely hope and looking at one statistic and applying it across the board is not logical or rational despite the temptation to do so. Humans are complex beings.

Our actions are influenced by a vast multitude of factors. Emotional needs, past experiences and of course our own environment. When somebody cheats it's not always a reflection of their character.

Often infidelity is not just about physical attraction or desire. It can stem from unmet emotional needs within a relationship. People can feel neglected, unappreciated or just emotionally disconnected from their partners and in some cases an affair is less about the person that they're with and more about trying to fill a void or find validation.

Our past experiences, particularly during our early years, significantly shape our behaviours in relationships. For instance, individuals who witnessed infidelity in their parents, let's say in their relationships, might unconsciously internalise certain patterns or they might cheat as a way of coping with unresolved trauma or attachment issues. I witnessed betrayal in my early years and I suppose if anything it influenced me to always remain faithful because I saw that the pain and hurt that it caused not just to myself but to to my mother and just the family dynamic as a whole.

There are also situational factors to consider that play a crucial role. Sometimes cheating occurs in moments of weakness such as under the influence of alcohol or during times of high stress. These situations don't justify the behaviour of course but they do go some way to help explain how someone might make choices that they wouldn't otherwise make.

There are also psychological aspects to consider. Some individuals might struggle with issues like low self-esteem, narcissism or a constant need for excitement and novelty. These traits can lead to behaviours that seek instant gratification even at the cost of hurting a loved one.

Understanding these factors is key. When we comprehend the why behind the action or at least an understanding of it, it can open pathways to forgiveness whether that's forgiving your partner or forgiving yourself. It also helps in rebuilding relationships with stronger foundations or making healthier choices in future relationships.

Remember the goal here is not to oversimplify the complex nature of human behaviour but to shed a light on the many dimensions that influence our actions especially in the realm of love and trust. While infidelity is devastating it's not always a recurring pattern. Many individuals who cheat feel deep remorse and take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

They work on themselves and their relationships to rebuild trust and understanding. So can we view infidelity as an anomaly rather than the norm? A single instance of cheating doesn't necessarily dictate a person's future behaviour nor does it highlight the many individuals who use this painful experience as a turning point for personal growth and relationship strengthening. One of the key elements in transforming an act of infidelity into an anomaly is the presence of genuine remorse.

When individuals truly regret their actions, acknowledge the pain they've caused and commit to change, the likelihood of repeating the same mistakes significantly diminishes. This remorse often leads to a deeper understanding of both themselves and their own values. Many couples also find that after the instance of betrayal engaging in coaching or therapy can be transformative.

It's an opportunity to address underlying issues, improve communication, set healthy boundaries and rebuild trust. Professional support can provide tools and strategies to help couples navigate their relationship in a more open and honest way. Understanding that infidelity can be an anomaly allows us to see the potential for growth.

It reminds us that while cheating is a breach of trust it's not always a permanent scar on the relationship. With effort, understanding and commitment it's possible to emerge from the shadow of betrayal with a relationship that's stronger and more resilient. Also, looking at a larger pool of statistics does not provide an accurate representation for you or your partner.

For those who have been betrayed, is your partner's behaviour the anomaly or is it the norm? If you are the one who was unfaithful, ask yourself, was my act of infidelity a reflection of a deeper unresolved issue or was it a moment of poor judgement that I genuinely regret and I have learned from? What steps am I willing to take to ensure that it doesn't happen again? Reflecting on these questions is crucial. Each situation, each relationship is unique. The statistics we discussed earlier offer a general view but they don't dictate the outcome of your individual story.

It's the actions, choices and the commitment following an incident of infidelity that truly shape the future of the relationship. Understanding this distinction can hopefully help guide you in making decisions that are right for you and your relationship. Whether you're working towards rebuilding trust or moving forward independently, the path you choose should align with your values, your needs and of course with your personal growth at the top of the pile.

Remember, while past behaviour can be a predictor, it is not the ultimate determinant of the future. People can change and relationships do evolve. Recovering from infidelity is a deeply personal journey.

For some it may mean ending the relationship, while for others it could lead to a stronger bond built on renewed trust and understanding. The key is to focus on what's best for you and your healing process and also what you can control. So is it true that once a cheater always a cheater? As we've seen today the answer isn't so black and white.

People can and do change. Understanding this can be a critical part of the healing process after infidelity. Remember you're not alone on this journey and I'm here to support you every step of the way.

So let's get clear on exactly how I can help. Here are four ways that that can happen. One, if you're new to the podcast, this is the first episode that you've listened to, then there are 60 more episodes that have come before.

There is plenty to get stuck into on all elements of infidelity and how to heal from betrayal. Number two, join my email subscriber list. You can do this simply by visiting lifecoachluke.com forward slash subscribe and receive emails every week which complement the podcast, additional resources, access to up-and-coming workshops, discounts and just a more personal take over and above the podcast that will hopefully help your healing experience.

Number three, reach out. You can contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com. I reply to all of my emails personally. There's no in-between person.

It's literally just a conversation between you and me and I might be able to help you in your current situation. Plus if you're enjoying the podcast and finding it really useful then many people email me and tell me and I'm not gonna lie I feel quite good about it. It means I know that what I'm doing is worthwhile.

My goal when I set out to launch this podcast was quite simple. It was to talk about infidelity in a very neutral way to try and open it up to a wider audience so that people could better understand that a. it happens a lot in the world and because of that we might as well try and figure out the best way to navigate it, the best way to to process and move forward quite literally. But also there was a simple goal and that was this belief that as long as I knew I was helping at least one person it felt like that was it.

It was worth it and anything else on top of that is just a bonus. So when I do receive comments and emails and positive ratings and likes and things on the podcast apps it's wonderful. So if you feel inclined to do that, you don't have to of course, but if you feel inclined to do that then it is very welcome and it certainly helps my ego a little bit.

And finally, four. So perhaps you have been listening for a while. Perhaps you are still struggling.

You understand many of the things that I talk about logically, rationally. They make sense cognitively but are struggling to actually implement them in your life. Perhaps you're lacking accountability.

Maybe you are listening to it and thinking well that sounds a little bit like me but not quite like me and you want something a little bit more personal. Then let's talk. Let's have a conversation to better understand exactly where you are in your journey.

Now I know this can be a scary step. There's been a long time where you have been sat there thinking I can do this. I can do it myself.

I've got all the resources. I've got everything I need. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just not.

I'm just not moving forward and I don't know why. I don't know why I keep remaining stuck. So let me help you become unstuck and that starts with a 30-minute free discovery call.

You can schedule your call by visiting LifeCoachLuke.com and hopefully we'll speak very soon. Now before I finish we started with once a cheater always a cheater and if there's one thing that we've learned today is that just because something was doesn't mean that it will always be. Did you know there is also a phrase for somebody who has been betrayed but is not moving forward.

It is once wounded forever guarded but guess what that also doesn't have to remain in the same way. So I'll leave it with you. The choice is there.

We can apply these titles. We can apply these labels and we can live into them and we can believe them or we can throw them out and we can make our own choices and modify the statistics for the future. I can't wait to speak to you all again next week.

Have a great week. Talk soon.