60. Gaslighting an Affair? Take a look in the Mirror

It’s common after betrayal to catch yourself doubting your own mind and feelings. You may question whether you’re overreacting, misinterpreting evidence, or even to blame. That inner voice that shrinks your pain? That’s self‑gaslighting, and it’s one of the most damaging traps in the aftermath of infidelity.

In this episode, I unpack what self‑gaslighting really is, how it shows up after an affair, and how you can begin reclaiming your reality and self‑trust.

Key Takeaways:

• What self‑gaslighting is and how it differs from external gaslighting

• The common internal narratives that downplay your experience or shift blame

• Ways to validate your emotions and affirm your perception

• Tools like journaling, mindfulness and external reflection to counter self‑doubt

• How rebuilding trust in yourself is foundational to healing from betrayal

💬 Reflection question:

Have you found yourself whispering, “Perhaps I’m overreacting”?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After the Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 60 with myself Luke Shillings.

When I was suspicious that my wife was having an affair I found myself caught in an absolute whirlwind of thoughts. It started with questioning the severity of what was happening, thinking to myself well maybe it isn't really cheating, maybe it's just a close friendship and this doubt led to self criticism as I started to wonder am I just being too sensitive or too dramatic about it. Then of course in my search for answers I turned the blame inward thinking if I'd just been more attractive or if I'd just be more attentive then she wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

I began to doubt my own intuition telling myself I'm just being paranoid, she would never do something like that, I know it. And then to rationalise the painful reality I found myself excusing her actions thinking she was just going through a tough time and and it wasn't about me, she didn't mean to hurt me. Then even when faced with the undeniable evidence I questioned my understanding of it thinking well maybe these texts don't mean quite what I think they do and the fear of loneliness crept in leading me to believe that I have to put up with this because it's better than being alone, what am I going to lose? I was concerned also about how others would perceive my reaction so as I moved forward in time and the affair became present I then started to realise that I can't let anyone know how much this has affected me, they'll think I'm weak, they'll think I'm a failure.

I even questioned my memory, my perception telling myself oh well I might have just misinterpreted or or maybe I just misremembered the situation and then finally I felt a misplaced sense of obligation to be accommodating, thinking well I should be more understanding or perhaps I should be more forgiving. Each of these thoughts contributed to a harmful cycle of self-doubt and minimisation of my own valid emotional experience. So here's the question, did any of that ring true for you? Did you recognise any of the self-talk that I experienced? Do you recognise yourself doing that? Well if you do it could be a result of gaslighting, but not gaslighting as we normally know it.

So let's go back to the very beginning. The term gaslighting didn't appear in the public domain of English language and English usage at least until probably the mid-2010s. In fact in 2022 the Washington Post report described it as a trendy buzzword frequently used to describe ordinary disagreements rather than those situations that more accurately align with the word's origin.

The word was first used in a play called Gaslight in the late 1930s and was then further popularised in the early 1940s film of the same name. The plots of which essentially involve a man attempting to make his wife believe that she's going insane. Fast forward a few decades and the term started to become more widely used in psychoanalysis and psychology with a better definition of the word being widely recognised as a form of emotional abuse, something that involves someone who is deliberately causing another to doubt their memory, their perception or their sanity.

So let's paint a clearer picture. Imagine a partner hiding something and then denying it was ever there, making you question your memory or when confronted about an issue they deflect it by saying that you're too sensitive or you're just imagining things. It's a tactic that slowly erodes trust in your own judgement.

But what happens when this form of manipulation turns inward? After betrayal, particularly infidelity, it's common to start questioning ourselves instead of the betrayer. Self-gaslighting might sound like am I overreacting to the affair or perhaps I'm to blame for what happened. It's a defence mechanism where our mind tries to rationalise the pain or protect us from the harsh reality of betrayal.

Imagine you've discovered an infidelity and you tell yourself well maybe it's not as bad as I think or I must be misinterpreting their actions. This self-doubt is a form of self-gaslighting. It's an unconscious attempt to align our shattered reality with a narrative that things just maybe not quite as bad as we are currently believing them to be, which ironically can actually lead to more pain and more confusion.

Recognising self-gaslighting starts with understanding that first it's natural. Although it's unhelpful, it's a response to trauma. It's your mind's way of trying to cope with the immense pain of cognitive dissonance caused by betrayal.

But acknowledging this self-imposed doubt is the first step to reclaiming your reality and starting the healing process. I began this by sharing much of what I experienced during that time. I found myself caught in a cycle of self-doubt and despite the clear evidence of betrayal, particularly towards the end, I still questioned my own feelings.

Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Was my reaction too extreme? Was I just scared and running away? And this kind of self-questioning is a classic sign of self-gaslighting and it took time and introspection to really understand that these thoughts were just that natural defence mechanism. I was just trying to protect myself, trying to shield myself from the full impact of betrayal and the consequences that would potentially unfold. I'd also like to just share some of the things I've heard my clients say recently, which I think relate directly to this topic.

So I had one person clearly saying that after discovering their partner's affair, they kept telling themselves that maybe it just wasn't cheating, maybe they were just friends and I was reading too much into it. And of course I wrote that one down specifically because that's actually what I felt as well. Maybe they were just friends, maybe I was just reading too much into it.

And then another person had said, I blamed myself for my wife's betrayal. I thought that if I'd been a better husband or just better in some way, this wouldn't have happened. And of course this is such a common thought, it's such a common question to have of yourself.

These stories resonate with so many who have walked this path. Self-gaslighting can manifest in various forms, from denying the severity of the betrayal to blaming yourself for the actions of the unfaithful. What stands out in these stories to me is this common thread of self-doubt and self-blame and it's actually quite heartbreaking, yet incredibly common.

Recognising these patterns in ourselves and others is really the first step towards overcoming this part of the journey. So now let's talk about how we can recognise self-gaslighting and more importantly what we can do about it. This is a crucial step in our journey towards healing.

First let's identify the signs. Self-gaslighting often involves a constant internal dialogue that undermines your feelings. You might find yourself rationalising or excusing your partner's behaviour or persistently doubting your worth or feelings.

It's like having an internal critic that's constantly questioning your perspectives and your emotions. If we expand on that a little bit further and we consider that persistent self-doubt, well maybe that's if you constantly doubt your feelings and reactions to the betrayal, thinking that you're overreacting or just being too emotional. And then if you're rationalising that unacceptable behaviour when you find yourself making excuses for your partner's hurtful actions or trying to justify them in a way that somehow minimises your own feelings.

What about when we ignore gut feelings? If you're dismissing or ignoring your intuition that something is wrong, it's a form of self-gaslighting. Trusting your gut is essential and doubting it can be a sign that you're not acknowledging the reality of your situation. Again those blurred memories questioning your memory of events, especially the negative ones, or trying to convince yourself that they just weren't that bad.

Feeling guilty of all things for being hurt. Would you believe it? You're the one that's being betrayed yet you feel guilt for experiencing hurt. What an inconvenience! But if you feel guilty or ashamed for feeling betrayed or you think you should just get over it, that also could be a sign that you are self-sabotaging and creating a situation that is worse for yourself in that moment.

Sometimes we can constantly compare our situations believing that other people have it worse and therefore our feelings are unjustified. And it's just another form of minimising your experience. And then finally there's this fear of speaking up.

You're afraid to express your feelings about the betrayal because you fear you might be wrong or you might be overreacting. And this is something that can create a huge amount of uncertainty in that moment. But recognising all of these elements as self-gaslighting, becoming more aware of the language that we use when we talk to ourselves internally, can actually free us from a lot of the pain and discomfort that we're experiencing.

Because much of it is self-inflicted. But of course once we recognise these signs, we need to think about how we can address them. And the key is to build a stronger trust in ourselves and our perceptions.

Think about how that ties into last week's episode about trust. Once we start to build that trust within ourselves, we can have more confidence about the beliefs that we're choosing or the thoughts that we're choosing to believe. The thoughts which are actually going to help us move forward, rather than perpetuating the cycle.

Don't forget to affirm your feelings. Start by affirming them, by recognising them, by acknowledging them. Reminding yourself that your emotions are valid and you have absolutely every right to feel hurt, angry, confused.

There is never going to be a time where it's not okay to seek support. Talk to your friends, talk to your family or a therapist, a coach. Somebody who can offer a perspective outside of your internal dialogue.

They can help you both validate your actual experience and your actual feelings. But it can also offer a completely fresh look at how you're talking to yourself. What language you are using and help you move forward from this state of self-gaslighting.

Journal. Write it down. You might think, oh how many times have I heard Luke say, write it down, journal it, do a thought download.

There's a reason, there's a reason I'm saying this. Now of course everybody's gonna have their own unique method, their own preference. Whether it is writing or typing on the computer or recording into a dictaphone.

Some way of separating your thoughts from your mind and putting them external gives you the option to look back, listen back, read back and reflect on those in a way that you just cannot do internally. Despite our brains desire to try and tell us that we can. I've always considered myself as very introspective.

I'm very aware of my thoughts and my feelings. It's something that I've really always been able to do, at least to some extent. However I also cannot process the complex thoughts and feelings that I experience when I'm feeling dysregulated, when I'm stressed, when I'm anxious.

I can't do it internally. I have to separate them from myself and that usually is through the form of writing. But it can also be through the form of speaking, speaking to somebody else, having something reflected back.

It's a bit like looking in the mirror and seeing what is in the reflection and although we realise that sometimes we might not like what we see in the reflection, ultimately we can't do anything about it unless we're prepared to face what's coming up for us. And this state, it requires us to be mindful. It requires us to be self-compassionate and when we practise mindfulness to help us stay grounded in the present moment, we use tools and methods, breathing exercises, meditation.

You go out for a walk, you do something that allows you to be calm and put yourself first. Remember, treat yourself like somebody you really care about. Think about how you would support a friend going through a difficult situation.

If you're the kind of person that wants to offer them support and compassion and understanding and maybe offering them some alternative perspectives that perhaps they haven't spot, maybe they've got a little bit blinkered in their own situation. Well if you can do that for somebody else, you can absolutely do it for yourself. Healing is a process and it's okay to be where you are right now.

I'd also love to hear what strategies have worked for people. Of course everything I talk about in the podcast is exploring all the elements, all the different areas of infidelity and all the different stages or at least as many that I can think of. But of course it's wonderful to hear what other people have found useful, what other people have figured out in their own journey and let's try and learn from each other.

So if you've got a story that you would like to share or a particular tip that you'd like me to share with the rest of the listeners on the podcast, then let me know. Drop me an email luke at lifecoachluke.com and also thank you as well to everybody who completed the Trust Score quiz last week. The Trust Score quiz is still available so if you haven't got around to doing it yet, please do.

Learn about how you trust in your relationships, learn what areas you have weakness in and get a full customised report to be able to offer you tips and tricks and a better understanding of how to move forward based on where you are right now. If you're interested in completing the quiz all you need to do is go to lifecoachluke.com forward slash trust score. lifecoachluke.com forward slash trust score.

Remember breaking the cycle of self-gaslighting is a critical step towards healing. It's about relearning to trust yourself and your instincts. It's not an easy journey but it's a profoundly important one.

So as we move towards the conclusion of this week's episode let's focus on the most critical part of the journey. Healing is not a linear process. It's full of ups and downs but each step, no matter how small, is progress.

It's about rebuilding trust not just in relationships but more importantly within ourselves. The first step is often to practise that self-compassion. Give yourself the space to understand that healing takes time and that it's okay to feel all of the emotions.

Life is 50-50. A positive emotion cannot exist without a negative emotion. If we didn't know what feeling sad and upset and hurt was like then we wouldn't be able to appreciate the feelings of joy and excitement and happiness.

Everything is in balance and to live the full human experience we get to feel them all. Now we get to have a choice. We get to be fearful and live in constant discomfort and be afraid and try to avoid, react and resist the emotions that we don't want to experience or we get to embrace them.

We get to deal with that discomfort, be fascinated by it and consider how we can use that as a fuel to move ourselves forward, to drive us into something that we actually want to achieve and create in our lives. Be kind to yourself as you would be to a friend in a similar situation. Again rebuilding that self trust is crucial.

Start by making small decisions and trusting your judgement. Over time as you honour your feelings and your intuition your confidence will naturally grow and so will your perceptions or your ability to perceive. Moving forward means acknowledging the past but not letting it define your future.

It involves setting boundaries, rediscovering your self-worth and gradually opening yourself up to new experiences and relationships. Remember setting boundaries is about learning to set and maintain healthy lines around your space. It's crucial for rebuilding trust and respect in any relationship.

Finding joy in activities. Remember to engage in activities that actually bring you pleasure and fulfilment. Whether it's a hobby, an exercise or spending time with your loved ones, these activities can be incredibly healing.

Sometimes professional help is the best way forward. Sometimes we get very stuck and we feel like we can't move forward and seeking professional help really is the best solution. It helps overcome the biggest hurdles in the shortest amount of time.

Therapists and coaches like myself can provide valuable guidance and support and really help you navigate this difficult journey. To everybody listening remember you're not alone in this journey. There is strength in seeking help and connecting with others who understand what you're going through.

Your feelings are absolutely valid and your experiences are very real. Trust in your ability to heal and move forward. Healing from betrayal is a deeply personal journey.

It's about understanding, acceptance, growth. Keep believing in yourself because I believe in you and your ability to overcome the challenges you face. So that's everything I have for you today.

Please don't forget if you've yet to complete the Trust Score quiz, go to lifecoachluke.com forward slash Trust Score. It will take just a few minutes and you'll receive your report immediately. Until our next episode, take care of yourselves and I'll speak to you all next week.