58. Why We Stray: Does Attachment Theory Explain the Unthinkable

If you’ve been betrayed, you’ve likely asked, “Why did this happen?” This episode offers one of the most insightful answers: attachment styles. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, secure, or somewhere in between, understanding how your attachment style shapes your emotional world can be a decisive step toward clarity and healing.

In this episode, I explore how attachment theory can shed light on infidelity, both as a cause and as a path to recovery. You’ll gain practical tools and deep insight into how your emotional blueprint may be influencing your choices and your pain.

Key Takeaways:

• The four main attachment styles and how they influence intimacy and betrayal

• Why anxious and avoidant patterns can both lead to (and be hurt by) infidelity

• How secure attachment creates emotional safety that helps prevent cheating

• A balanced view on whether knowing all the affair details helps or hinders healing

• How understanding your attachment style can guide your recovery after an affair

💬 Reflection questions:

Which attachment style do you identify with? Have you noticed any patterns in how you connect or disconnect from your partner?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the After the Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 58 and I'm your host Luke Shillings.

For some time now I've been wanting to do an episode on attachment styles and I think I maybe have mentioned it on the podcast once before but certainly plenty of times in my own mind and to some of the people that I speak to. So today I'm going to do just that. First of all I'd like to make a recommendation and that is the book Attached.

It's written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and I highly recommend you read it specifically if you enjoyed this episode. So what are attachment styles and how do they relate to infidelity? In simple terms attachment styles are patterns of how we think, feel and act in close relationships. They stem from our early experiences with caregivers, often our parents, and extend into our adult relationships.

According to Levine and Heller there are three main attachment styles. Secure, anxious and avoidant. So let's begin by taking a closer look at what attachment styles really are.

The concept stems from attachment theory which was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby. Originally applied to understand the bond between infants and their caregivers, researchers later found that these early attachment styles often persist into adulthood affecting our romantic relationships, friendships and even our interactions at work. So how are they formed? Well essentially attachment styles are ingrained emotional and cognitive blueprints that guide us in how we relate to others.

These patterns start developing as early as infancy. If our emotional and physical needs are consistently met we're far more likely to develop a secure attachment style. If those needs are met inconsistently then we may develop anxious or avoidant tendencies.

Now before we go too in depth let's just summarise what these attachment styles are. So secure attachment Individuals with a secure attachment style find it relatively easy to get emotionally close to others and are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. They're not overly concerned about getting too close or keeping emotional distance.

They are in fact secure. An anxious attachment style. Anxious individuals often worry about their relationships.

They fear rejection and abandonment yet their cravings for emotional intimacy often inadvertently drive people away. Sound familiar? Then there's avoidant attachment. Those with an avoidant style are uncomfortable getting too emotionally close, too emotionally intimate and as a result often keep people at arm's length to maintain a sense of independence.

Now you may wonder why does this matter in the context of infidelity? Well understanding attachment styles can serve as a powerful lens through which to view not just the act of betrayal itself but also the dynamics that have been at play leading up to it and most importantly the road to recovery afterward. Okay everybody still with me? Let's go a little bit deeper. Let's look at secure attachment and infidelity.

Individuals with secure attachment styles are generally comfortable with intimacy and independence. They usually form stable lasting relationships. Now how does this tie into it? Well secure individuals are far less likely to cheat first of all, largely because they're just content within their relationships.

They communicate openly with their partners and work through their problems. If you're secure and you've been cheated on it's crucial to understand that the infidelity is not a reflection of your ability to maintain a healthy relationship. Now that we have a foundational understanding of the attachment styles let's dig a little deeper into how a secure attachment style relates to the complex issue of betrayal.

People with a secure attachment are often seen as the ideal when it comes to forming and maintaining healthy long-term relationships. This isn't to say they are perfect though but their way of connecting with others tends to be balanced and realistic. They're pretty good at communication and problem solving.

Secure individuals are excellent communicators in fact. They are not afraid to express their feelings or to listen to their partner when they need to talk. In the context of infidelity a secure individual is more likely to confront issues head-on, seeking dialogue to solve problems rather than escaping into a kind of dishonest liaison of sorts.

People with secure attachment styles tend to create an environment of emotional safety too. This often serves as a preventative barrier against betrayal and infidelity. When partners feel emotionally secure and valued the lure of an affair just diminishes.

Emotional safety acts as a kind of protective barrier, protective buffer let's say, enabling both partners to openly discuss temptations, attractions or unmet needs before they escalate into betrayal. If a secure individual is cheated on their balanced approach to relationships becomes a valuable asset in the recovery process. They are likely to separate the act from the person and the relationship as a whole, viewing the betrayal as a serious but isolated incident rather than the defining act that shatters their own self-worth or the relationship itself.

This helps in the healing and if applicable the reconciliation process. There's a lot to be learned from this even if you are not, even if you're listening to this and not recognising yourself as a secure individual. Recognising the benefits of separating the individual components of the situation can make a huge difference otherwise it's so easy to allow each element to blend and affect the other.

The betrayal can have an impact on the entire relationship which isn't really true. There are lots of things that probably happened in your relationship which were great, things that you loved, that's probably why the pain is so much because of all those positive things that have now been impacted by this betrayal. But it doesn't overwrite them, it doesn't change anything that happened.

It still is although a serious but ultimately isolated event which can be approached in that way and makes it much more easier to heal and just more manageable. One more thing I would like to add with a secure attachment style is that if a secure individual happens to cheat, which while less likely is still possible, they are more likely to own up to their actions and to commit to the healing and recovery process. This could mean anything from couples therapy to individual self-work to understand why they strayed.

In summary a secure attachment style doesn't make you invincible to the realities and complexities of infidelity. However the traits commonly associated with secure attachment, effective communication, emotional safety, resilience and accountability can act as both a preventative measure and as a healing tool. Okay let's move on to anxious attachment and infidelity.

Anxious attachers are often preoccupied with their relationships. They tend to be more sensitive to signs of rejection or abandonment. Anxious individuals might cheat because they seek validation or they might be overly suspicious or accusatory towards a partner who cheats, even if the betrayal was a one-time mistake.

If you have an anxious attachment style and you've been betrayed you might find yourself obsessing over the details, wanting to know every little bit of information, always asking questions. Now from my observations based on hundreds of conversations on this specific issue is that it's just not useful. However to offer a balanced view of the situation let's just consider some of the major pros and cons of doing so and this is a little bit of a divert from the attachment style but I think it's important.

So the pros of seeking all the details, well it could offer clarity and closure. You know understanding the full scope of what happened can sometimes offer a sense of closure. You may have questions that if left unanswered could lead to ongoing anxiety or mistrust.

Now this is really true, there's definitely certain bits of information which can help in the healing journey. However as you've probably heard me say before the response you get to each question often leads to more questions. It can also help you make informed decisions.

Having all the details can help make a maybe a more educated decision about whether to remain in a relationship or not. It can also provide accountability by asking for details. You can hold the unfaithful partner accountable for their actions as it requires them to fully face the consequences of their betrayal.

However this, I don't know, I'm uncomfortable with this. Of course it is important for the betrayer to be accountable for their actions. It should not be used as a against them in future conflicts and disagreements.

Then it can also be useful for identifying patterns because understanding the circumstances around the affair may help identify if this was a one-time mistake or part of a pattern of behaviour that is likely to be repeated. Okay so there's your pros. Clarity, informed decision making, potentially increased accountability and might help identify patterns.

What about the other side of the coin? The cons. So it can take a pretty significant emotional toll. The details can be painful and triggering.

They may lead to obsessive thoughts that really amplify emotional distress. It can lead to re-traumatization. Every time the details are discussed or even thought about it can feel like experiencing the betrayal all over again.

It can have quite an impact on the reconciliation. If the couple decides to stay together, knowing too many details can be a constant source of pain and mistrust, making it difficult to rebuild the relationship. And then finally there's also the confirmation bias.

When hurt people often look for information that confirms their worst fears or their worst biases or their worst beliefs which can really significantly affect and somewhat skew the recovery process in a negative way. And this obviously is not helpful. So with this in mind we could perhaps offer a slightly more balanced approach if seeking the details is something that seems or feels important to you.

Some kind of middle ground strategy could be to seek enough information to feel assured that you understand the general circumstances of the affair but not so much that you're overwhelmed with all of the distressing details. You might also set boundaries around the conversation, perhaps specifying the types of questions that are off limits or agreeing to limit the discussion to a certain time frame. Okay so let's get back on to the main topic.

Where anxious attachment. So this is where things get a little bit more complicated. People with anxious attachment tend to crave emotional intimacy but are often plagued by insecurity and fear of abandonment.

And this can create a real sort of cyclical pattern that inadvertently pushes their partners away despite their longing for closeness. So let's first discuss how the cycle of anxiety and neediness in anxious individuals could unintentionally contribute to an environment where infidelity might occur. An anxious person often requires constant reassurance to calm their fears and while this is obviously not an excuse for a partner's infidelity it can contribute to an emotional atmosphere that some just might find suffocating.

People with anxious attachment are far more susceptible to emotional affairs, often seeking validation and reassurance that they sometimes feel they aren't receiving from their primary relationship. The other person or the affair partner becomes a sort of emotional crutch providing the affirmation and support and attention that they feel starved of somehow. This of course is a slippery slope that can quickly lead to a full-blown affair.

On the flip side an anxious person's hypervigilance could act as a double-edged sword. When it comes to discovering an affair their keen sense for changes in emotional tone could lead to a quicker discovery of betrayal. But this also may escalate into obsessive behaviours like snooping, spying and ultimately further damaging the trust even if there's no affair happening.

After an affair the anxious individual's fear of abandonment may actually make them more inclined to reconcile, sometimes hastily and without adequate resolution. This may lead to a recurring cycle if the root causes of the infidelity aren't properly addressed. Given their emotional complexity anxious individuals may benefit more from professional guidance when dealing with betrayal.

This could be one-on-one counselling or coaching or even couples therapy which offers a safe space to navigate their intense emotions and inherent contradictions concerning attachment and betrayal. Ultimately an anxious attachment style adds complex layers to the equation of an affair or betrayal both as a cheater and the one being cheated on. Understanding these details is key to breaking the cycle and finding a path to recovery or reconciliation.

Okay that's two out of three done. Our next stop on this journey through attachment and infidelity is the avoidant attachment style. People with this style tend to keep an emotional distance from their partners which creates its own unique set of challenges when betrayal comes into play.

Firstly the emotional detachment commonly observed in avoidant individuals can sometimes make them more susceptible to infidelity. They may not feel as emotionally invested in the relationship which could lower the barrier to cheating. It's not that they don't care it's just that their way of showing care is different and less overt which can be misunderstood by their partners.

Avoidant individuals may be more likely to engage in physical rather than emotional affairs. The absence of emotional connection in such situations allows them to keep their primary relationships at an arm's length consistent with their general attachment style. Avoidants often exhibit a pseudo-independence acting as if they don't need anyone.

If infidelity occurs whether they are the one cheating or the one being cheated on this pseudo-independence might make it easier for them to sever ties and move on at least superficially. However this doesn't mean the emotional impact isn't there it's just buried much deeper. If an avoidant person is cheated on they are likely to resort to denial as a coping mechanism.

Acknowledging the pain would mean acknowledging their emotional vulnerability which goes against their nature. As a result the real issues may never get adequately addressed leading to repetitive patterns of infidelity or emotional neglect. In cases where reconciliation is sought the avoidant individual may struggle with the emotional openness required for successful couples therapy or even individual therapy.

It will take a skilled therapist to navigate these difficult times and help both partners understand the underlying emotional currents. In summary avoidant attachment styles add another layer of complexity to the already complicated issue. Understanding the traits associated with a style can help partners realise what they're up against making it easier to decide whether to walk away or work through the issues with professional help.

Okay so that's the three main attachment styles however there is one additional element and I want to talk about the anxious avoidant attachment style sometimes referred to as the disorganised attachment style or the fearful avoidant attachment style. This is a bit of a complex one as it combines features from both the anxious and the avoidant styles. The individuals with this style often find themselves caught in a more of a push-pull dynamic which makes their approach to infidelity quite unique.

Fearful avoidance or anxious avoidance are often in emotional turmoil feeling both an intense need for intimacy and a fear of getting too close. This internal conflict can make relationships exceptionally challenging and may even set the stage for infidelity as a form of self-sabotage or as a test of their partner's commitment. Given their internal contradictions anxious avoidance might find themselves attracted to intense dramatic relationships that mirror their inner emotional state.

This can include relationships where betrayal occurs either as the perpetrator or the victim because the drama and the intensity feel normal to them. Anxious avoidance might also find the notion of a third person in the relationship either as an affair partner or as a competing interest actually quite appealing but also threatening. This external element serves as both a barrier to full intimacy which they fear and an element that could potentially deepen emotional bonds which they crave.

One of the most challenging aspects for the anxious avoidance post-infidelity is their contradictory desires. On the one hand they may just feel justified or even relieved if they were the ones who cheated viewing it as an inevitable result of their emotional conflict. On the other hand they can also be profoundly hurt and feel even more justified in their fear of intimacy if they are the ones who have been cheated on.

Recovery and reconciliation after infidelity is a tough road for anxious avoidance. They may be prone to switching between wanting to leave and wanting to stay contributing to an environment of instability. Their turbulent nature requires a highly nuanced approach to healing often necessitating specialised or even therapeutic intervention.

Now I just want to highlight here that many people listening particularly during this difficult part of your relationship, something that you never expected to feel, your emotions are going to be all over the place and there might be a lot that you've just heard in the anxious avoidant attachment style that seem like they fit but do they fit across your lifespan? Do they fit in the wider picture or are these being magnified in this specific situation? This is something that I would definitely question before you automatically try labelling yourself as anxious avoidant. Of course one way to get a better understanding of this is with the help of a professional or actually the book that I recommended to begin with Attached. Read that book and there's plenty of questions and guidance in there to help you better indicate your attachment style and that of your partner's.

Regardless of your attachment style the aftermath of infidelity is painful but understanding your attachment tendencies can provide invaluable insights into your own healing journey. It can help both the betrayed and the betrayer understand the underlying emotional landscape that contributed to the act. We've covered a lot of ground today and diving into the nuances of the various attachment styles and how they interact with the delicate issue of infidelity.

Now let's look ahead. How can understanding these attachment styles be a pathway to recovery and possibly a stronger relationship? First and foremost the self-awareness that comes from simply understanding your attachment style can be a game changer. Whether you're the one who's cheated or the one who's been cheated on, knowing how your attachment style influences your actions can lead to a more profound understanding and effective coping strategies.

But the same is also true of maybe getting a better understanding of what your partner's attachment style is too and how that relates to yours, which is something that I've not covered in as much detail on this episode. Different attachment styles may require different types of healing. An anxiously attached individual might benefit from repeated affirmations and open dialogue, while an avoidant might need space initially before engaging in conversation.

Tailoring the healing process to the attachment style can make the road to recovery more effective. Understanding your and your partner's attachment style isn't just good for recovery, it's actually excellent for prevention too. When both partners are aware of their attachment patterns they can work to create a more secure environment, thereby reducing the risk of infidelity.

Look let's be real, navigating aftermath of infidelity is complicated. It's emotionally charged and it's fraught with all kinds of pitfalls. A relationship coach or therapist can guide you through this difficult time, offering insights that are tailored specifically to your attachment style.

Lastly, the ultimate goal for everyone should be to aim for a secure attachment style. While not everybody starts there, understanding where you fall on the attachment spectrum can offer a roadmap to becoming more securely attacked, leading to healthier, more resilient relationships. And that wraps up today's episode.

I hope you found these insights valuable. Whether you're dealing with the aftermath of infidelity or you're just looking to fortify your relationship against it. And remember self-awareness can be your best ally on the road to recovery and relationship happiness.

Please feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences and questions. You can contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com. You can visit the website www.lifecoachluke.com if you have more questions, if you want to understand more about what working with a professional might look like. And ultimately, if you have been sat on that fence and you've recognised something in today's episode that has just given you some clarity, there's been something has opened up in your mind that you haven't seen before that you really want to dig a little bit deeper on, then let's talk.

As always, it's been my absolute pleasure and I look forward to speaking to you all again this time next week.