55. The Invisible Weight - Societal Pressures after Betrayal

Society has a lot to say about betrayal, and most of it isn’t helpful. Whether you’ve been cheated on or made a mistake yourself, you’ve likely felt the pressure of others' opinions. From friends urging you to “just leave” to social media painting idealised pictures of healing, it’s easy to feel like you're doing it all wrong.

In this episode, I explore how these societal pressures after betrayal often make recovery harder, not easier. I share powerful mindset shifts to help you break free from outdated norms and reconnect with what truly matters: your own values and clarity.

Key Takeaways:

• Recognise how historical and cultural narratives shape modern responses to betrayal

• Understand the media’s role in reinforcing unhelpful relationship stereotypes

• Learn how friends and family, though well-meaning, can unintentionally cloud your judgement

• Discover the subtle but damaging effects of social media on post-betrayal healing

• Reclaim your autonomy by aligning your choices with your own emotional truth, not public opinion

💬 Reflection question:

How have societal expectations shaped your own response to betrayal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. You're listening to episode number 55.

Societal expectations, oh the joys, the things that we have to deal with when we've experienced betrayal either as the betrayed or the unfaithful. Everybody else seems to have an opinion about how they think we should feel, act and respond during our journey together. So I want to look at this in a bit more detail.

So to kick things off let's take a little trip down history lane shall we call it. Infidelity and betrayal have been around for as long as human relationships have existed. What has changed dramatically however is society's view of it.

In some cultures and eras infidelity, especially by men, was almost accepted as the norm. Fast forward to today and the narrative is far more condemning, albeit still complicated by double standards. The key takeaway here societal expectations are fluid and they often change faster than we can adapt.

To really get to the heart of societal expectations following betrayal it's essential to understand how history has shaped our current beliefs. If we go way back we see that in ancient stories societies like Rome or Greece marital fidelity was not always a given, especially for men. In these patriarchal societies men had considerable liberties while women were expected to remain faithful under the threat of, well, severe consequences.

Fast forward to the Victorian era and you find yourself in a society that publicly condemned infidelity but also had a lot of it happening behind closed doors. The fallen woman trope began to take shape, casting women who strayed as morally corrupt while men were often given a pass. In the 20th century, especially with the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s, we started to see a more nuanced, although still complicated, view of infidelity.

The emphasis began to shift towards personal happiness and emotional fulfilment. The societal judgement didn't disappear overnight. Now, bring us forward to current times in the 21st century, infidelity still remains a pretty hot topic and somewhat taboo, but the narrative has started to shift again.

With the advent of the Internet, online affairs have entered the picture, challenging traditional definitions of infidelity. Moreover, there's a growing understanding of emotional affairs which don't involve the physical intimacy that is usually associated but can be equally, if not in many cases, more damaging. So, as you can see, societal expectations about how one should react to betrayal have shifted immensely over the years.

While the core emotional impact may remain consistent, the lens through which society views it is continually evolving and will continue to do so, and this is crucial to understand because it reminds us that these expectations are not set in stone. They are a reflection of cultural values at a specific moment in time. Understanding this can liberate you from the constraints of what you think you should do, allowing you to focus on what you feel is right for you.

Now, moving on, the scorned wife, the vengeful husband, the immediate divorce, these are stereotypes that don't always align with the messy, yet painful reality. The telling of these situations often simplifies the complex emotions at play. Real life is not a two-hour movie with a soundtrack.

Remember that your story doesn't have to align with what we've been conditioned to believe is the correct course of action. Now, let's turn our attention to a significant societal influencer, media. When I say media, I'm talking about a wide spectrum.

Movies, TV shows, books, tabloid stories, and even the reality TV shows that we see. All of these forms of media portray betrayal in ways that seep into our collective consciousness. Think about classic films or literature where infidelity plays a role.

Movies like Fatal Attraction don't just tell stories, they reinforce the stereotypes. In Fatal Attraction, for example, the other woman is portrayed as a deranged individual, steering the narrative towards demonising the person that's not part of the marital equation. Simultaneously, the betrayal of the betrayed partner often falls into one of two categories, either the unwitting victim or the person who should have seen it coming.

TV also often simplifies the intricacies of relationships into digestible plotlines, all neatly resolved in somewhere between, you know, 30 and 60 minutes, not counting commercials, and even talk shows where people share real life experiences, often wrap these up in with a neat bow, offering a clear-cut solution or assigning blame, feeding into that societal need for quick fixes or straightforward answers. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes when a message is being delivered on the media it needs to be, you know, restrained into a particular time slot. For example, I have been interviewed on various other podcasts and they vary from 15 minutes in length to 90 minutes in length, and of course the elements that can be discussed and the depth that can be gone into vary significantly depending on that particular time frame.

So just remember it's not always about the content itself, it's more about its context, and just recognise that these situations are often way more complicated than they look. Look, we're on episode number 55 of the After the Affair podcast now and I still feel like I've barely touched the surface in terms of the types of conversations and things that can be explored on this topic, so trying to make a societal judgement based on some 20 or 30 minute interview that you've seen on TV or some article that you've read in an Ask Deirdre column within a local magazine is an unrealistic expectation to set for yourself. And this feeds into, you know, not forgetting the influence of tabloids and celebrity culture.

When a celebrity cheats or is cheated upon the narrative often turns into what you might call a morality play, which seems to become public property just to be dissected. The spotlight turns what is a deeply personal and painful experience into a public spectacle, setting a collective example of what's deemed socially acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. What we need to remember is that these portrayals are all a form of storytelling.

They are not instruction manuals for how we should navigate portrayal in our lives. The media can influence societal expectations, and it does, but we should be cautious not to mistake these narratives for real-life complexities. Your story is uniquely yours.

And while movies and novels can offer a form of escapism or even catharsis, they shouldn't dictate how you approach your own recovery journey. One of the most immediate forms of societal expectations, the ones that can often hit closest to home, and ones that I definitely relate to, come from our inner circle, our friends and our family. These are the people that we've known for years, if not decades, and their opinions often carry a lot of weight in our lives.

When betrayal happens, friends and family typically have one of two reactions. Either rushing in to fix things, you know, in a well-meaning advice or, you know, caregiving way, or they retreat because they're unsure how to address the elephant in the room. Those who step in usually have the best of intentions, providing an ear to vent to, shoulders to cry on, or perhaps even logistical support like a place to stay or help with the kids.

The challenge arises when their emotional involvement starts to steer your own decisions. Phrases like, if I were you, I'd leave him. Or, she made a mistake, you need to forgive her, start coming into play.

While the advice may come from a place of care, it can add an extra layer of confusion to an already challenging emotional landscape. It's like having a group of people in the back of your car while you're driving through a city that you're unfamiliar with, all shouting different directions. It's almost impossible to focus and you never know which is the right way to go.

Another aspect to consider is the generational influence. Older family members might hold more traditional views about marriage and fidelity, stressing the importance of staying together, you know, for the sake of the family, while younger friends might push for a more immediate separation as an act of self-respect. This intergenerational dialogue can create a complex web of expectations, pushing and pulling in completely different directions.

And of course there is no right or wrong and sometimes in these situations where there are polarising opinions, sometimes it's about taking the best of both and trying to make something that works for you. And then we have the problem of social bias. If your circle has already experienced betrayal in their own lives, their advice might be tinted with their personal outcomes, either as cautionary tales of idealised solutions or resolutions.

While their experiences of course are valid and it's not about denying them or saying that they are right or wrong, they aren't necessarily predictors of what's going to be best for you. So remember, while external opinions can offer different perspectives and can be useful, ultimately the journey of healing and the choices that come with it are yours to make. Your friends and family might be a part of your support system, but they are not the people who tell you how to recover.

And in this trying time, just make sure that you centre yourself in your own decision-making process, taking advice as mere suggestions rather than mandates. Now let's talk about the double-edged sword that is social media. On one hand, platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or X allow us to connect and share experiences with a broader audience that way more than ever before.

And on the other hand, they perpetuate a culture of comparison, judgement and sometimes pretty unrealistic expectations. When betrayal happens in a relationship, social media can turn into a battlefield of opinions. There are articles, blog posts and videos offering a myriad of advice.

Ten signs your partner is cheating, how to win them back and why you should leave them immediately. Sometimes it's as if there's an invisible jury out there trying to weigh in on your actions and reactions against what they believe is the quote-unquote correct or healthy way to heal. But let's not forget for a minute about the artificial, somewhat curated lives that people present online.

We're all guilty of it to some extent. You know, most people don't want to go and display all of the rubbish, mundane, boring, dull things that happen in their life. It's usually a somewhat more embellished version of reality.

But you know, we know that. We know that from our own experiences, yet we seem to ignore it when we look externally. If you've recently experienced betrayal, scrolling through pictures of seemingly perfect couples can really intensify feelings of inadequacy and failure.

The question why couldn't my relationship be like that might haunt you, even when you intellectually know that social media only shows a fraction of someone's life. Another tricky area, particularly with social media, is support groups or forums that are designed to help people going through betrayal or any kind of challenging experience. And while these can be invaluable resources for sharing experiences and tips, they can also foster a sort of groupthink.

What worked for one person is not a one-size-fits-all solution, but in a somewhat, I don't know, an echo chamber of a social media group, it can really start to feel that way. What about cancel culture? This modern trend to publicly cancel people for their mistakes, including infidelity, puts immense pressure on couples to conform to what society deems as the right course of action. This can exacerbate the already complicated feelings around whether to stay, leave or seek reconciliation.

In summary, social media has a significant impact on shaping societal expectations and it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon, but it's crucial to remember that these platforms are not the real world as such. They're more like a soap opera, they're more like a fly on the wall, they're more like a documentary where things are being concise and manipulated and distorted to reflect a mixture of what might be facts linked with opinions and sometimes just outright fantasies. In your journey of healing from betrayal, use social media cautiously.

Take what serves you and leave what doesn't. And above all, remember that your path is yours to walk alone. So as I conclude this episode, I want to leave you with this thought.

Societal expectations will always be there and while they can offer a guideline or a framework, they should not be the blueprint for your personal journey. The only correct way to deal with betrayal is the way that aligns with your values, your emotional health and ultimately your future happiness. Thank you ever so much again for joining me on this episode of the After The Affair podcast.

Remember you are not alone and your path to healing really is yours to create. One of the biggest challenges that we face after betrayal is the loss of trust. So I wanted to share something that I've been working on recently.

It's the relationship trust type quiz. This is a unique tool that I've developed based on my experience as an infidelity recovery coach and will hopefully offer some significant insights into the trust and dynamic in your relationship, especially as you're navigating the aftermath of an affair. So you'll gain a deeper understanding of the trust you and your partner share, identify potential areas for improvement and healing and then receive tailored advice written by me for your specific trust type to guide you in your recovery journey.

It's pretty simple. The quiz takes about three minutes to complete. It's online, you can be done on your mobile or on your desktop.

You'll get your trust type and learn whether your trust is conditional, self-anchored, earned, optimistic or distrust. Receive your trust report and get actionable advice tailored to your results, guiding you on what to focus on to rebuild and strengthen your relationship. To access this quiz I'll pop the link in the show notes or you can visit lifecoachluke.com forward slash trust.

That's lifecoachluke.com forward slash trust and I can't wait to speak to you all next week.