53. Betrayed and Doomed - Spot the Signs and Know When to Walk

Feeling disconnected, constantly arguing, or questioning whether your relationship has a future? You're not alone, and you're not wrong for wondering. In this episode of After the Affair, I break down the unmistakable signs that a relationship may be beyond repair and what to do when you're stuck in the emotional aftermath of betrayal.

You'll learn the difference between a rough patch and a dealbreaker, and how to take action that aligns with your self-worth and emotional well-being.

Key Takeaways:

• How emotional distancing and constant conflict signal deeper relationship issues.

• Why repeated betrayal and lack of respect erode trust beyond repair.

• The impact of cognitive dissonance and unresolved internal conflict on decision-making.

• How to set and uphold healthy boundaries with love, not control.

• When it's time to stop hoping and start healing by walking away.

💬 Reflection questions:

Is your relationship draining you more than it's sustaining you? What signs have you noticed in your relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. You're listening to episode number 53.

How do you identify the signs that may indicate that your relationship is doomed? It's a heavy topic but understanding this and I think this follows on nicely from last week's episode because it's talking about some of the red flags and what can be the steps that we take forward towards resolution. Whether that means repairing the relationship or moving on for the sake of both parties, it's not always that straightforward so let's have a look at what's involved. The first sign we're going to discuss is emotional distance.

This is when one or both partners become increasingly detached over time not just physically but emotionally as well. Now of course every relationship has its ups and downs but if you find that your partner is consistently unresponsive or if you yourself are feeling somewhat detached it could be a sign of deeper issues. Emotional distance often appears through a lack of communication, reduced affection or feeling like you're living completely separate lives even whilst you're sharing the same space.

I can relate to this completely from the period when I was happily married and yet our day-to-day lives were probably somewhat routine. We were like ships in the night. I've spoken about this before.

We both worked full-time, we had two young children and just for the household to function, or at least that was my perception, then it wasn't that unusual for us to almost be just fulfilling roles. It was almost like a job where there was a certain schedule of which things should happen in a particular way. I'm not saying that that doesn't need to happen as well but being aware of that and not not allowing that to essentially rule the relationship can make a big difference.

The second sign I want to think about is constant conflict. Of course arguments are normal in any healthy relationship. In fact I believe that arguments to some extent are essential or at least disagreements.

They are essential in any relationship because it prepares us, it allows us to to be able to deal with situations that we otherwise wouldn't. If every time the potential for an argument or disagreement came up we didn't go into it, we ignored it, we were people-pleased, then eventually there'll be something that's too big that cannot be ignored. But because you haven't built up that understanding of how your partner actually have processes under pressure, how they actually deal with the situation, maybe you yourself aren't really comfortable with it either, you've become too afraid of how you think you might react and have just stayed so clear from it, something big comes up and you can't handle it, you can't make your way through it.

Although arguments in relationships are normal, there is a point where they become the rule rather than the exception and of course that's when we see this alarm, this alarm bell ringing, this red flag, especially if those arguments seldom reach a resolution or even a compromise. If you find that you're having the same fights over and over again or if arguments are increasingly hostile or disrespectful then you might be heading towards an unpleasant dead end. Now it goes without saying given that this is an infidelity recovery podcast, betrayal and distrust.

This one's a tough pill to swallow. As someone who specialises in infidelity recovery I can't emphasise enough how destructive betrayal can be to a relationship. This doesn't have to be physical cheating, it can also include lying, hiding things or emotionally stepping out of the relationship and of course when that trust is shattered rebuilding it is a long and arduous process and sometimes on occasion it's not even possible.

Next up is lack of respect. If you find that you or your partner are frequently disrespectful, name-calling, demeaning comments, belittling each other all the time or maybe even trying to exert control over one another, these are major red flags. Respect is one of the foundations of any successful relationship and without it the relationship is sort of built on shaky ground.

This is often why, and of course this isn't exclusive, there are exceptions, but it's not uncommon for a relationship that has formed through an affair is often not going to last and that's usually because the foundations of the relationship did not start on solid grounds. Now of course there are exceptions, there are people who have affairs, truly fall in love, stay together regardless of the the pain that other people feel in the in that situation and maybe they were the perfect match but the relationship just didn't really get off to the best of starts. Generally speaking though it's almost always a really poor way to begin a relationship.

Sometimes we're just not compatible with our partners. If you think about the beginning of any relationship it's often filled with really high emotion. Relationships start out wonderfully but gradually they reveal fundamental differences in values, life goals or visions of our future.

It's even more problematic when one of us is willing to compromise and the other one isn't. Or perhaps maybe one person has stated their thoughts and beliefs about their future but the other partner hasn't really taken on that board. For example entering into a relationship where one partner says that they don't want to get married and the other partner has sort of been okay with it because deep down they're thinking oh well you know maybe they'll change but the reality is maybe that's just not the case.

So setting up on those potential incompatibilities and not communicating them can be a real problem. Relationships shouldn't be a constant battle to align your core values. It's perfectly okay to have different interests and disagree on certain things but when it comes down to those core values really they should be a partnership where those are in line, they're in harmony or at least they can coexist together.

Now these signs are just that. They're just signs. They're not a death sentence and any one of them individually does not mean anything significant.

Of course if you're starting to see multiple of these things piling up then you probably need to pay a much much closer attention. However even on their own once they cross a particular threshold then it is worth approaching, considering and it's like okay is this relationship a one I want to be in or is there something I can do about it to change its trajectory. So next I really want to talk about some of the psychological perspectives on why relationships go south and how human behaviour factors into the equation.

So when we think about the role of personal responsibility and this is something I forgive the phrase harp on about all the time because one critical factor is personal responsibility. In a struggling relationship it's easy to blame the other person for everything that's going wrong. But what happens when both individuals take responsibility for their actions and emotional well-being? Well this mindset shift can be a cornerstone for change and possibly even recovery.

Something else to consider is the power of your why. Understanding the why behind your actions and the relationship itself can be game-changing and extremely enlightening. Are both parties aligned in what they're seeking from the relationship? Knowing your mutual or individual why can serve as a guiding principle that helps navigate challenges and conflicts.

I've loosely mentioned before the concept of want matches and I will record an episode specifically on those but just getting the idea that both individuals are going to likely want lots of things together and there's going to be a few things that they want independently. There might be certain activities, hobbies, groups of friends, you know particular goals, work objectives, a combination of things that that may align or misalign. By communicating those things with each other in advance well a you can figure out what it is that you're both aligned on and do those things together and get more fulfilment out of it.

But also it means that you can open and release the space to your partner for the things that aren't aligned and not begrudge it and not feel resentment towards it and if you or your partner wants to seek things externally then that option is always there for them. I'm not talking about affairs of course I'm just talking about relationships and the different things that we get from different people. Our own internal dynamics often influence how we behave in relationships.

If one part of us is acting as a saboteur, maybe encouraging emotional withdrawal or sparking conflicts, then it's crucial to identify and understand this aspect of ourselves and by doing so we can work on a more harmonious interaction with our partner. This is something that is approached in much more detail through IFS or internal family systems and this is again something that I would like to talk more about but it's too big a topic for for just this part of this episode. You've heard me talk about this before cognitive dissonance or the stress experienced when holding two conflicting viewpoints.

This can also be a real factor in troubled relationships. For example you may love your partner but find their behaviour unacceptable. This is a strange thing to experience.

I love being with my partner but there are certain things that he or she does that really cause me trouble and make me question whether they're the right person for me or I find them very challenging or I wish they would behave in a different way. So simply just acknowledging this internal conflict that first of all that's the first step to addressing the issues at hand but then you can start to look at what that really means and what that's creating for you. But just being aware of that cognitive dissonance it's a good a good good thing to pay attention to.

Boundary setting. This is last but not least in this section so let's talk about it. A lack of clear boundaries can lead to complete emotional exhaustion.

It leads to misunderstandings and of course yes the cancer of relationships resentment. Knowing where one person ends and the other begins is just essential for a mutual respect and the long-term health of any relationship for that matter. So let's take a look at where we've got to so far and just do a quick recap.

Some of the things that we want to watch out for in our partners and in ourselves include emotional distancing, regular conflict particularly ones that's more hostile and disrespectful, of course betrayal and any kind of distrust, any signs of lying or particular things being hidden, a lack of respect for your partner or notable lack of respect that they have for you, just a straightforward incompatibility. Maybe things looked perfect in the beginning but now as the relationships have evolved and developed that you are starting to see some real core differences, core values and there are certain things just that just aren't worth fighting. The next point was looking at the psychological impact so we're looking at our own personal responsibility.

How can we take responsibility for our situation rather than blaming it on the external? Then really getting clear on our why. Why are we in this relationship and what is it that we want from it? We touched on the concept of from internal family systems the different parts of us wanting different things and how they themselves can work against us or for us depending on how we're approaching them. And then there's the cognitive dissonance that we experience.

This inner conflict where we have two completely conflicting beliefs or ideas which leave us in a place of uncertainty and confusion and often never really feel settled. It's always under tension, pulling in both directions. And then finally there was the boundary setting, making sure that there are clear boundaries and safe boundaries in the relationship to know where you begin, where you end and where your partner begins and where your partner ends and how those two boundaries interact with each other.

So okay what can we do to actively do something about this? Well the first is just open and honest communication. Just communicate with your partner. It sounds so simple though obvious yet most people don't do it.

We get tied up with the day-to-day of being in a relationship, all the practical things like getting the kids ready for school and organising trips and maybe figuring out what social events we're attending or which bills need paying and you know some DIY or repair work around the house and all of the things that are sort of part of life but you're not really doing it as a couple in a fulfilling relationship. You're doing it more just because that's like your role which is a little bit different. So communicating that and communicating what it is that you both want makes a big difference.

It may be uncomfortable but facing the problem head-on is crucial. Consider setting aside time to talk and when you do speak honestly but kindly and try to avoid blame. Okay so we touched on the importance of boundaries earlier.

Now it's time to truly evaluate yours. Are your boundaries clearly defined? Are they being respected? And if not, establishing firm boundaries can help create a healthier interaction dynamic in the relationship. Remember a boundary is made up of a request and a consequence.

So for example this could look like if you continue to raise your voice every time we discuss something that we disagree on, this is the request, then I'm going to either change the subject or remove myself from the room. So that's the consequence. So you're making a request for the other person to change their behaviour.

However you are not dependent on that person changing their behaviour. You're just letting them know how you will react, how you will respond if they continue to do it. Boundaries always come from a place of love.

They're always a very healthy thing that's set to protect your emotional well-being but they also protect that of the other person too even though it doesn't seem so obvious in the moment. If you want to learn more about boundaries then go back to episode number 13 I think. Know your boundaries.

Sometimes taking a step back simply to evaluate the relationship can provide invaluable insights. Whether that means spending some time apart or merely taking a weekend to reflect on your own, a little distance can often bring a huge amount of clarity. Make difficult decisions.

Look I know it's tough and it might not be the most appealing choice but sometimes it really does come down to making tough choices. If the relationship is harming your well-being or if irreparable breaches of trust have occurred, the healthiest option might be to end it. This is never easy but sometimes it's necessary for the well-being of not just yourself but for both parties.

As always I would highly recommend seeking professional help if this is something that you're struggling to do on your own. Sometimes the issues are just too complex to handle on your own. Maybe you don't have the experience.

I mean at the end of the day most people who have experienced betrayal have no experience with how to deal with the emotional trauma and impact that they can have in their lives. So seeking the advice from a certified counsellor, therapist or relationship recovery coach like myself can provide much needed perspective and some great coping strategies. And of course being someone who specialises in helping people recover from betrayal, I can tell you firsthand and I know that my clients would attest to the same, that professional guidance often makes the significant difference, the key difference between a relationship's survival and its dissolution.

And even if the outcome of the relationship is perhaps not what you imagined it would be, having that support and that guidance can make an incredible difference to how you move forward into future relationships. So again let's just offer a quick review of where we're at. Some of the things that you can do to help reduce the likelihood that your relationship is in fact doomed is increase your open and honest communication.

It's evaluating your boundaries, setting them in place and understanding what boundaries really are. Taking some time to reflect, taking some time out. What is it that you really want from your relationship? Sometimes you just have to make difficult decisions and that's okay.

And then of course seek help and support as and where you need it. Okay before I finish this episode today I just wanted to add in a few key things that you might be wondering. We're talking about relationships that are potentially doomed.

So what are the things to watch out for to know that actually this really is the time to just go? Like I don't need to work through this, I don't need to hang around, I just need to open the door and walk out. So the first one and I think this is pretty obvious. If there is distinct emotional and particularly physical abuse and actually they're both equal, it's just that physical abuse is often easier to spot, whereas emotional abuse can often build over time so it's not always as apparent.

But the first and most immediate reason really to leave a relationship is if there is abuse of any sort. Nobody, nobody should endure an environment where they're being mistreated or disrespected at this level. There is no exception and of course if this abuse crosses a certain line then you should seek professional support whether that be through your counselling or whether it be through the police.

You have to take action. The next one is chronic betrayal. So if betrayal is recurrent with no genuine efforts from your partner to make a change, it really could be time to re-evaluate the viability of relationships.

Trust is foundational and without it a healthy relationship is virtually impossible. Now people can cheat and people can then make significant changes in their life and relationships can flourish as a result after infidelity. That's definitely possible.

Where you have seen cheating over and over again and this broken trust has just been a pattern of the entire relationship on all levels, then yeah, I'm sorry, even if it's tough to admit and maybe you think that your partner loves you, I can assure you that how they're displaying their love to you is not love and it's not the love that you are probably seeking. So please consider coming to an end. At least start talking to people about it.

Sometimes a relationship can just be a constant emotional drain. Now this can sometimes just be down to the incompatibility that we spoke to earlier. Ultimately a relationship should add value to our lives and if you find that the relationship is constantly draining you emotionally, causing you way more stress and unhappiness than joy, then it may be time to step back and reassess.

And even though I talk about taking control of our own situation, taking full responsibility of it, the fact that it's our thoughts that create our feelings and that ultimately we are creating our own experience, sometimes you need that space to grow and remaining in the relationship is like wearing a hooded coat, you know, like a balaclava where you can barely see what's going on and you can't feel an experienced life. You feel numbed and trapped. So if emotional drain is a big part of your relationship and you're struggling to get the freedom, you never feel fulfilled or happy or content or any emotion that you desire really, then perhaps now is the time to look elsewhere.

Stagnation and just general lack of growth, you know, a relationship should be a partnership and by partnership usually there is some greater goal. There's something where the relationship becomes greater than its past in some way, you know, whether both you have shared objectives, whether it's building a family, whether it's a business thing and again this can vary significantly from one person to another. So please try not to fall down the trap of looking at what everybody else is doing and thinking that that's how it should be for you.

All I'm saying is that there should be something deeper within you, whether there's some goal that you want to achieve, whether there's a level of fulfilment that you believe that you can offer each other, some project you want to embark, some mission that you want to follow, whether it is building a family or there needs to be something over and above just monotony and just that routine, just trudging through life on a day-to-day basis and nothing's changing. Now that only actually takes one of you to really make that difference but of course if you feel like you're being held back due to that stagnation, due to that lack of growth, then perhaps now is also a time to part ways. And then of course there's just irreconcilable differences.

Sometimes two people are just not compatible in the long term, whether that's due to the different life goals that I've just spoken about, a difference in values or even just expectations about the relationship. Maybe you've been brought up from two very different environments, you've had different parental influences, different societal influences and you just don't match. And the effort to try and change yourself or have them change themselves to try and please the other, which is never a good thing by the way, it's just not not worth it.

So again sometimes it's just a case of calling it a day within that relationship. Look, I get it. Ending a relationship is never easy and it's not a decision to be made impulsively.

Please take the time to weigh your options, possibly with professional guidance, but remember walking away is not a failure. Sometimes it's the most courageous thing that you can do. So that's everything I have for you for today's episode.

I hope that this topic, this conversation has helped provide you with some meaningful insights, whether you're in the process of making this difficult decision or supporting someone else who is. If you've enjoyed this episode and found it helpful, please don't forget to rate, review, share it, leave a comment, do anything you can because it all helps get it in front of more people. And as you know as much as I do, when we're in this painful place we all need a helping hand and of course with your help I can help talk to more people.

So thank you ever so much. I will speak to you all again next week.