49. A Choice No One Talks About: Are you Volunteering to be a Victim?

When betrayal shatters your world, it's easy to feel like life is happening to you. You didn’t choose the affair, the heartbreak, or the devastation, so why does it feel like you’re stuck in that role, long after the dust has settled?

In this episode, I unpack the unspoken truth about the victim mentality many betrayed partners unknowingly adopt. I explore the emotional traps that keep you stuck, and more importantly, how to set yourself free. If you're ready to take your healing into your own hands, this episode offers the tools and mindset shifts to help you move forward with strength and purpose.

Key Takeaways:

• The hidden cost of holding onto a victim mindset after betrayal

• Why “being a victim is voluntary” might be your biggest wake-up call

• How to reclaim your personal narrative and step into emotional agency

• Practical tools to stop self-defeating thoughts and reframe your experience

• Why gratitude and future-focussed thinking are key to lasting transformation

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you unknowingly adopted a victim role in your healing journey? What would it look like to reclaim your power today?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello everybody and welcome back to episode number 49 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Can I just take a moment to say how grateful I am that you have joined me today. Whether you have been listening from the very beginning or these are the first few words you've heard me speak, honestly it's a true honour to play a small part in your life and healing journey so thank you.

In today's episode I'm hoping to have a profound impact on your healing journey. For today's topic I'll delve deep into an area that many of us who have experienced betrayal find ourselves entangled in. The victim mentality.

Of course the victim mentality doesn't apply just to betrayal, it can show up in all areas of our life so it will be useful even if this isn't something specifically that you have been through. As always my aim is to share perspectives that encourage exploration and personal growth and trust me when I say I know how easy it is to become entangled in a web of resentment, confusion and self-pity when betrayal hits home. I've been there and I fought my way back so I truly speak from both personal experience and my professional coaching practise.

When I came through my own infidelity experience I had a lot of resentment to the situation, to this word infidelity. I had a lot of anger and frustration because I felt like a victim. I didn't deserve this, I'd done nothing wrong.

I was able to sort of almost feel quite good in the mindset that well I didn't cause this. If anything I actually felt a little bit smug in all honesty but I soon came to recognise how useless this approach was despite it giving me that short-term hit. Today's episode is dedicated to unshackling the mind from the trappings of victim mentality.

When betrayal turns our world upside down it's almost instinctive to fall into a pattern of thinking where we see ourselves as victims and while the pain and the hurt is real and there's no denying the actions of the unfaithful, the perpetrator, the danger really does lie in allowing this victim status to become a kind of long-term identity. I want to explore three pivotal topics, three pivotal areas that will shed light on how to break free from the self-imposed chains of victimhood. First we'll look at the dangers of adopting a victim mentality in the first place and how it in itself can hinder recovery and personal growth.

Second I want to explore the power of taking control of your narrative, reframing how you perceive your own life events and lastly I want to discuss actionable techniques to help you overcome victim mentality from challenging self-defeating thoughts to focussing on the future. Now running through this entire thread there is a key insight that I don't want you to miss so I might mention it a few times. Being a victim is voluntary.

It's a bold statement and I'll dissect it a little bit more later but just keep that in the back of your mind as we explore today's material. So the danger of adopting a victim mentality, I mean what's the problem? We've all heard the saying life isn't fair. I think we've all felt it at some point and anyone who's experienced betrayal knows this all too well.

When someone we love and trust pulls the rug from underneath our feet it's completely natural to feel like a victim and in this initial stage yeah you are a victim of someone else's choices, we're not denying that, but here's where things get tricky. Holding on to that victim mentality beyond the initial impact can be incredibly destructive. So what are the dangers of clinging onto this mindset? Well firstly it can create a cycle of self-pity and resentment that just completely prevents you from being able to heal and move on.

Your thoughts become a revolving door of why me and life is unfair, leaving you trapped in a kind of an emotional quagmire. Secondly when you see yourself solely as a victim you're handing over your power to the person who betrayed you. In essence you're allowing them to dictate your emotional and psychological state and believe me you don't want to give them that kind of control.

Lastly and perhaps most crucially a victim mentality can halt personal growth. In our quest and our search for answers and justice it's easy to lose sight of the vital truth that life is filled with challenges that are also opportunities for growth and opportunities for self-discovery and when we play the victim we are voluntarily surrendering these opportunities. So again just keeping that key insight in mind, being a victim is voluntary.

It may sound tough but it's not about downplaying the hurt you felt, it's about emphasising your agency in moving forward. So are you ready to move beyond this restrictive mentality? Let's look at how we can empower ourselves to take control of our own narrative. Once you've recognised the dangers of victim mentality the next logical step is to rewrite your story, reclaim your narrative.

So what do I mean by this? Well the stories have a powerful impact on how we perceive ourselves in the world around us and the good news is you're the author of your own story. Firstly take a step back and consider the language that you use when discussing your experiences. How do you define the betrayal? If your internal dialogue is steeped in phrases like I'm ruined and I'll never trust again then it's probably time to rewrite that script and while it may feel somewhat counterintuitive try framing the event as a chapter in your life rather than the whole book.

Next you can take the reins of how to react to the betrayal. Remember you have the power to interpret the meaning of what has happened to you. Maybe this unfortunate event can be the catalyst for personal growth, stronger boundaries or even a deeper understanding of human behaviour including your own and here's where we can flip that insight on its head.

The being a victim is voluntarily. If you voluntarily take charge of your narrative you can transition from the role of victim to the role of survivor or better yet a thriver. You not only survive the ordeal but you thrive because of the new self-awareness and resilience that it's in actually instilled in you.

So how will you choose to narrate your life from this point forward? Will you allow the betrayal to be a life sentence or can it be a turning point for you? So how can we actually do this? Let's look at some techniques to overcome victim mentality. We've talked about the dangers of it and the power of owning your own narrative. Now let's focus on actionable techniques you can implement today to break free from the self-imposed prison of victimhood.

First challenge self-defeating thoughts. Challenging self-defeating thoughts is easier said than done, I get it. Our minds can be a breeding ground for negativity especially when dealing with betrayal.

You find yourself looped into thoughts like I can't move on or I'll never trust anyone again or I'm too broken to heal. While it's natural to feel this way initially it's crucial to confront these thoughts head-on. Firstly recognise that thoughts are not facts.

Just because you think something doesn't make it true. Your thoughts are interpretations and reactions and they're often shaped by past experiences and societal norms but they're not the law. Secondly practise thought stopping.

When you catch yourself spiralling mentally say stop or visualise a stop sign. This can disrupt the flow of the self-defeating thought and gives you a moment to recalibrate. Now replace the negative thought with evidence of your resilience.

Remember the time you landed back on your feet after losing a job or recall how you navigated through past challenges or how you've been a pillar of strength for somebody else in their time of need. These instances are proof of your resilience and your ability to overcome adversity. Another method is to use cognitive reframing.

Instead of saying I can't ask yourself how can I? For instance if the thought is I'll never trust again reframe it to ask how can I learn to build trust again and this shifts your focus from the problem to the solution. Lastly try and make this a consistent practise. Like anything the more you engage in something the better you get at it and therefore the more you engage in challenging self-defeating thoughts the more natural it becomes and eventually you'll find that your automatic thoughts start to shift becoming more aligned with a mindset that propels you forward rather than hold you back.

Next let's talk about gratitude. Gratitude is often touted as a feel-good practise almost to the point of sounding cliche but make no mistake there's a reason why it has stood the test of time as a healing modality. When you've been betrayed you're flooded with feelings of loss, humiliation and bitterness and in such a state the last thing on your mind might be to feel thankful.

However that's precisely why it's crucial to introduce gratitude into your routine. Start simple. At the end of each day list three things that you're grateful for.

These don't have to be grand or life-changing it could be as simple as a warm cup of coffee, a call from your friend or a moment of laughter that broke through some sadness. What's important is the act of consciously shifting your focus. The practise of gratitude has scientifically backed benefit.

It's been shown to improve mental health, reduce stress and increase emotional well-being. How? Well by triggering the release of endorphins and serotonin, the feel-good chemicals in our brain, this biochemical shift can lead to a more positive emotional state providing you with a better platform to then tackle your ongoing challenges. Also gratitude can become a form of mental resilience.

As you focus on what you still have and what's possible for your future you start to realise that your life isn't defined by a single portrayal or setback. Your existence has layers, dimensions and an array of experiences that can make it rich and meaningful. Gratitude is a lens that changes how you see the world and yourself.

It takes you from a mindset of scarcity where you're focused on what you've lost or what's been taken from you to a mindset of abundance where you start to see opportunities for growth, love and new experiences. So why not give it a try? A small gratitude journal or even a note on your phone can be the first step towards shifting your perspective and reclaiming your mental space. The third area I'd like to point towards is focussing on the future.

Being a victim is a present moment experience but it's based on past events. But your future? That's a canvas yet to be painted and you hold the brush. Remember our key insight, being a victim is voluntary.

If you find yourself anchored to a painful past, feeling like it defines you, it's important to understand that you have agency to cut that anchor and move forward. The first step in focussing on the future is setting clear intentions. What do you want your life to look like in a month, a year or even five years from now? Visualising a future where you are healed, where you are thriving can act as a beacon guiding you through the fog of your current emotions.

Next, break down these grand visions into actionable goals, actionable steps. If you can't imagine trusting someone new right now, that's okay. Start with something smaller like joining a group where you can socialise in a low-stakes environment.

Every step forward, no matter how minor it seems, is a victory. The power of focussing on the future also lies in its ability to provide you with a sense of purpose. When you're blinded by the aftermath of betrayal, it's easy to lose sight of your larger life goals.

Reconnecting with your ambitions and aspirations can give you a reason to push through the discomfort and the fear. Now, this doesn't mean that you should ignore or bury your feelings about the past. On the contrary, acknowledging them is crucial for healing.

However, there's a difference between processing past events for the sake of healing and ruminating on them for the point of paralysis. Cutting the metaphorical anchor doesn't mean you forget what happened, but it does mean you no longer let it hold you stationary. It means you claim the right to navigate your life forwards towards new experiences, relationships, and opportunities that align with who you are becoming, not who you were.

So, as you go about your healing journey, keep one eye on the horizon. Your future is not just a place you'll go. It's a place that you'll create, and that creation starts today.

So, there you have it. Three actionable techniques, challenging self-defeating thoughts, practising gratitude, and focussing on the future. Each one offers a practical route out of victim mentality and towards a more empowering state of mind.

The key insight today is both a wake-up call and an invitation. Now, let's clarify. No one is saying that you volunteered for the betrayal or the hurt that came with it.

Those were circumstances thrust upon you and the pain is very real. But when it comes to your continued emotional state, your approach to healing, and your outlook on life, that's where the voluntary aspect does come into play. The victim mentality is like quicksand.

The more you struggle in it, the deeper you sink. But the moment you decide to stop being a victim is the moment you start to free yourself. This decision opens up the door to reclaiming your narrative, engaging in personal growth, opening up the opportunity for forgiveness, and choosing how you will navigate the complexities of all human relationships, not just your romantic ones, and the emotions that you have moving forward.

Today, we've taken a journey through the landscape of victim mentality, a trap all too easy to fall into when faced with betrayal. We've explored the dangers, how it arrests personal growth and disempowers you. We discussed the empowering act of taking control of your narrative, shifting from being a victim to becoming a survivor or a thriver, and finally we covered practical techniques to kick-start this transformation.

Techniques that you can begin implementing today. Remember you have the agency to rewrite your story and to rise above the role of a victim. No one can take that away from you unless you let them.

If you or anyone you know are struggling with the topics discussed in today's episode, or any of the other episodes in the podcast to date, then reach out. Now is the time to talk. I get it, it can be very frightening to consider talking to somebody about your situation, when maybe you've not really told anybody up until this point, or even if you have, they've been very loose details.

I completely understand. I can also promise that I will offer a truly safe space for you to share and there's no obligation to move any further but it might just help you move forward in your journey so far. If you've still got questions and you're still uncertain, then visit my website and check out the Frequently Asked Questions section at the bottom of the home page or you can click the button in the top bar.

As always you can email me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com or use the chat and whatsapp feature available on the website as well. Thank you ever so much for joining me today in this somewhat enlightening episode of the After the Affair. I'm as always completely committed to supporting you on your healing journey, so let's unchain our minds, liberate our lives just one step at a time and I'll speak to you for episode 50 next week.