47. Understanding Cheaters

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s natural to search for answers. Why did they do it? What were they thinking? How could they? These questions often swirl endlessly in the mind of the betrayed partner. In this episode, I explore these very questions, not to excuse the behaviour, but to understand it.

Understanding the cheater’s mindset can feel counterintuitive, especially when you’re the one in pain. But sometimes, clarity comes not from judgement, but from compassion. Today, we unpack the emotional complexity, cognitive dissonance, and societal narratives surrounding infidelity, so you can begin to release resentment, reclaim your peace, and find real closure, whether you stay or leave.

Key Takeaways:

• Discover why understanding isn’t the same as condoning and how it creates space for healing.

• Learn the common emotional voids and unmet needs that can lead to betrayal.

• Understand the role of self-deception and internal justification in infidelity.

• See how societal black-and-white thinking often blocks meaningful recovery.

• Reclaim your power by shifting from blame to empathy without sacrificing your boundaries.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you ever tried to understand the why behind the betrayal? How did it affect your healing process?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 47 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Today I'd like to talk a little bit about some of the questions that many people are seeking the answers to and that is understanding the cheaters mindset.

My goal here is to not justify or vilify but to better understand. Understanding can often be the first step to healing and perhaps even forgiveness. So let's unpack this complex web of emotions, societal judgments and inner turmoil in today's episode.

I imagine that many of you listening will have come across Facebook groups and internet forums where people are sharing their stories and their situations around infidelity and betrayal. And of course this is a great platform sometimes to be able to you know embrace and feel less alone by having other people with similar or shared experiences so you can feel part of something again particularly after you felt so alone following betrayal. The problem with some of these groups is that there are people who carry an extreme level of bitterness and resentment and although these are perfectly normal emotions to feel after betrayal, when we harbour those emotions and let them fester over time they will always lead to something that we don't want and there will be a significant restriction in our healing journey.

So one of the things I wanted to do today was look at the mindset of a cheater because when we can only put ourselves in the position of the betrayed and then put up a barrier of resentment and bitterness and hate then it becomes very difficult to move forward because we can't see past that wall. When we talk about infidelity we often oversimplify it without really diving deep enough into the psyche of the individual that's involved. But understanding the mindset of a cheater can help us to approach the subject with more understanding and less judgement.

Often at the root of infidelity there's a significant sense of longing or emotional absence and while it's easy to assume that every act of betrayal stems from pure physical attraction or sometimes a momentary lapse in judgement, the reality is frequently far more complex. Many times the unfaithful partner feels a disconnect in their primary relationship and this could be emotional, intellectual, sexual or even spiritual. They might feel undervalued, unheard or just unseen and although this does not justify their actions it can go some way to explaining the emotional void that they're trying to fill.

Then there's the aspect of internal justification. For an individual to go against their vows or the commitments that they made in the relationship they often employ these like mental gymnastics to justify, to make their actions fit within their own moral framework. They might convince themselves that their primary partner no longer loves them or that they deserve happiness or that this is just a one-time thing and therefore doesn't count.

This self-deception is part of the cognitive dissonance that many cheaters experience, constantly battling between their actions and their own core values and beliefs. Again for clarity I'm not saying that cheating is in any way excusable. Instead I'm just emphasising the importance of understanding the somewhat complicated and multi-faceted emotions that drive these actions.

It's only with understanding that there can really be a genuine dialogue and that can then in turn lead to potential healing. I'd like to now turn needles slightly more towards society's black-and-white view of cheaters versus a more nuanced reality. Society has always had a tendency for oversimplification.

We like our narratives straightforward. We like the villains to be clearly marked and our heroes to be shining brightly. This binary approach is particularly evident when addressing infidelity.

The cheater is vilified while the cheated upon is painted as the innocent victim. While there's undeniable pain caused by betrayal the story is rarely ever so black and white. Firstly the label of a cheater often neglects the myriad of situations and emotional states that lead to that act.

As previously discussed the reasons behind infidelity are varied and complicated. Labelling someone solely based on an act of unfaithfulness reduces them to that act alone which completely overlooks the multi dimensional human being that they are. Secondly while society has been slowly evolving in its understanding of human relationships there remains a significant stigma attached to those who have been unfaithful.

This stigma often forces the act and its accompanying emotions deep underground. The shame, the guilt and fear of societal judgement can completely prevent open dialogue which is essential for both healing and for understanding. It's easy to paint in broad brushstrokes of good versus bad but that just doesn't leave any room for the grey areas which is ultimately where most relationships reside.

Relationships have their ups and downs and while nothing justifies betrayal understanding these nuances can provide a fuller more compassionate view of the situation. Lastly by holding on to this binary perspective we might unintentionally perpetuate the cycles of hurt. If someone is forever labelled and shamed where's the incentive for introspection, growth and change? By offering a more nuanced view we encourage understanding, dialogue and ultimately the potential for redemption.

Now with all of this in mind how do you offer understanding and empathy without condoning the actions of the unfaithful partner? As we've journeyed through the complexities of the cheaters mindset and the societal perceptions that surround infidelity it's crucial we address the key component. How do we differentiate between understanding and condoning? Well empathy is about stepping into another person's shoes, seeing the world through their eyes and feeling what they feel. When we talk about understanding the mindset of someone who's been unfaithful it's about acknowledging their emotions, their reasons and the intricate web of factors that contributed to those decisions.

It's about humanising them. However understanding should not be mistaken for approval. Recognising the challenges and the emotional turbulence a person went through doesn't mean that their actions were right or justified.

Infidelity at its core is a breach of trust and the pain and hurt it can cause is very very real. So why is this distinction important? Well by separating understanding from condoning we create a space where genuine dialogue can happen. When someone feels heard and understood they're far more likely to open up, look inwards and engage in genuine and authentic conversation about their actions.

It allows for a more profound healing process not just for the unfaithful partner but for everybody involved. On top of that by approaching the situation with empathy we pave the way for potential reconciliation or if not reconciliation then at least closure. Holding on to anger and resentment while entirely valid can be corrosive over time and offering understanding can be the first steps towards releasing those burdens.

In conclusion we've journeyed into the intricate elements that is the cheater's mindset. We've seen that behind every act of betrayal lies a complex myriad of emotions, justifications and often pain. But as we attempt to comprehend this complexity it's essential to remember a key takeaways.

Remember human eyes don't justify. Every story has multiple sides and while we should always strive to understand the emotions and reasons behind an act it doesn't equate to condoning it and by humanising the person we aim to promote that conversation, that connection, that dialogue and not justify the betrayal. Also it's important to look beyond the black-and-white.

Remember relationships and humans in general operate in shades of grey. Labelling someone solely based on their worst act just oversimplifies their entire being and doesn't leave room for any growth or change either within them or within yourself. Empathy can be powerful.

It's a useful tool to offer understanding and can really improve in the healing journey. While the pain of betrayal is intense and real approaching the situation with empathy might pave the way for reconciliation or if not then at the very least it helps with closure. I'd like to thank you again for joining me on another episode of After the Affair.

Remember as we navigate the difficult world of relationships and infidelity specifically my goal is always to help you better understand, to grow and move forward in your recovery or healing journey. If you or someone you know is grappling with these issues I'm here to help so please reach out. You can contact me directly at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com. However if you want the quickest response then visit my website www.LifeCoachLuke.com. Click the little button in the bottom right hand corner and you can contact me directly via WhatsApp.

I'll always aim to respond as quickly as possible in those situations unless I'm asleep of course. So with that until next time take care and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll talk to you next week.