46. From Struggle to Triumph - Heather O’Connor’s Tale of Reinvention after Divorce

What happens when your life falls apart, but you decide to rise anyway? In this episode, I’m joined by Heather O’Connor, divorce and custody attorney, single mum of three, and a woman who transformed heartbreak into purpose. Her story is one of reinvention through pain, healing through hardship, and reclaiming her life on her terms.

Heather shares how surviving a toxic marriage, facing financial hardship, and raising young children alone became the fuel that led her to change not just her own life, but also the family law system. This is a must-listen for anyone navigating divorce, co-parenting, or trying to rebuild after betrayal. You’ll walk away with hope, strength, and a reminder that you are never stuck and that reinvention after divorce is possible.

Key Takeaways:

• Discover how choosing yourself is the catalyst for deep healing and personal power.

• Learn how emotional detachment and letting go of false hope can free your future.

• See why self-abandonment often feels noble, but leads to burnout and resentment.

• Gain insight into co-parenting dynamics and why your healing impacts your children, too.

• Be inspired by how to turn adversity into advocacy and pain into purpose.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you ever felt trapped by your circumstances but knew you were meant for more? What helped you begin again?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 46 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Joining me today is Heather O'Connor.

She's a remarkable divorce and custody attorney who turned her personal struggles into a catalyst for change within the legal system. Trust me you'll want to pay close attention to Heather's journey. In this episode Heather shares the challenges she faced as she navigated her way through the intricate web of divorce and custody battles.

She shines a light on the often overlooked emotional toll that divorces can take on both individuals and their children and let me tell you it's not always easy. Heather's firsthand experience taught her invaluable lessons about trust, forgiveness and the power of self-validation. She's here to remind us that even in the midst of heartbreak there is always hope for a brighter future.

Heather's sincere and empathetic approach to her clients journeys has transformed lives and legal outcomes alike but as you'll hear it wasn't always smooth sailing. Heather had to find the courage and determination to overcome her own personal trials. So if you're someone who knows what it's like to feel lost, to grapple with trust issues or to face the reality of a failed marriage then this episode is for you.

Heather's story will inspire you to embrace change, prioritise your own happiness and emerge stronger and wiser on the other side. So without further hesitation let's get straight into today's chat. Okay Heather well thank you very much for joining us on the After The Affair podcast.

I've been really looking forward to speaking to you. I'd love you to be able to sort of explain to the listeners who you are, a little bit about your personal journey and maybe also if there's been any kind of key pivotal moments that have helped you get you where you are now. Sure, so I am a divorce and custody attorney in Massachusetts so the reason I got into that was because of my own divorce.

My marriage had gone downhill, I had three kids under the age of six at the time and it just was not a good situation and as I was going through it what I noticed was that attorneys you know knew the law, they knew the legal jumbo, they knew the terms what to say, they they knew to tell you what you should or shouldn't agree to but it was lacking this this side which I couldn't connect quite well I was going through it as to what was missing and I was sitting speaking with one lady one day who had had a very similar situation to me and she was like my attorney's good they just don't get it and it was that it that I had been feeling was desperately missing within the family law process and it was the empathy the understanding it really the personal connection of understanding when you go through some sort of trauma where you have a relationship and it falls apart you are angry on one hand you know especially where my relationship wasn't healthy I was happy on another hand I was devastated by the loss of everything I believed in I was terrified of what that meant for me what it meant for my children in our future so there were all these different emotions that you're often experiencing all at once and it left you in this emotional ball of wreckage where a lot of times it was very easy to self disrupt and so what I saw was I wanted to do something and change something within the legal system so when people were going through similar situations we could get them to a point where they're not only coming out with a great legal and legal result but they're really doing something to start changing their life on a personal and almost a personal development outlook because you can't move forward until you've done that you get so contained in everything you've been through that until you start either rebuilding boundaries you know accepting your responsibility for where things got to so you can change to start redoing habits so that you don't end up in the exact same situation you're in and all of that is what really creates a good outcome so I went back to school I didn't have a college degree at the time I did community college undergrad then law school my kids basically went to school with me all the time and in 2016 I finally took the opportunity to open my firm and we've had amazing success because that is the focus of our firm it's not just the legal result it's how do we fix everything behind the scenes amazing I love how you can take these these painful and unwanted situations in our lives and it's another fantastic example of being able to turn that take go from that place of adversity and really also see a problem within the system there's almost like a gap in the market from a from almost like a business perspective as well but in terms of being able to to help people and you follow your own dreams and work like crazy by the sounds of it to achieve those goals and yeah absolutely amazing you've mentioned at one point in there that the relationship was was not healthy but you also said that but you were happy too so just whether I misheard that or not just want to understand a little bit more about the dynamic it was more it was more so nobody gets married to get divorced you know you get married and I think the majority of people commit it might not be the best situation but they're going to make the best of the situation and so there were parts of my marriage that were good you know and that were happy and we were a family but then there were parts you know that were very very bad my my situation was riddled with domestic violence you know we're both me but my cutting point was when I found out it was also affecting my kids you know physically so that was where I drew the line where it was like if it was happening to me as a mother wanting to keep my family together I was willing to put up with that you know there I'm sure there would have been a point where it was no more but it was really after I found out that my kids were being you know abused as well that I said I'm filing like it's over so that that's kind of where yeah so with not just your situation but with many of the people that you work with as well and the situations that you see how does somebody in an unhealthy relationship regardless of exactly what that looks like but maybe it's been sort of recognised to themselves that it is unhealthy for either poor boundary setting maybe there is some kind of abuse whether it be emotional or otherwise but of course this is a spectrum there's a wide range of from healthy to unhealthy and you know there's some very easy to identify and some less so so for people in a relationship where they may be you know there are parts of it that do feel good and seem good and there is you know it paints this picture this idea of maybe what they thought marriage in a long-term relationship looks like but there's also this other clear part the that's sort of digging away how do you help people see and what are the most critical factors to take into account when considering ending the relationship and maybe you know being proactive particularly from the the woman's point of view their perspective because that's actually quite a brave and societally less expected thing for people to do and I don't agree with that at all but in terms of what people's expectations are unfortunately I think that is still true to some extent in the Western world at least yeah I think you know there's two different things here because one I'm an attorney I'm a divorce attorney and I do often get the question when how do I know when is the time to get divorced and as an attorney I can't answer that you know that that is not my spectrum it's not my place you know so there's that so pushing that aside you know and coming from more of a personal opinion and not a legal where now I'm sharing my opinion and not you know my legal opinion. That's fine I'll make that very clear I understand again just to clarify for everybody. So nobody can be like well the divorce attorney told me to get divorced.

No I completely I totally understand and I appreciate it. But I think it depends I think people can come back from even the worst situations if both people are on the same page willing to put in the work willing to put aside the hurt you know not that you just forgive and forget but willing to really make a difference and put that other person as their priority in their life again because at some point that has fallen apart. If that can happen I think marriage can still work you know and and that's the question that I get on the legal side is how do I make it work and I'm like go talk to your therapist you know but as a personal opinion that's what I think what I see too often is one person is willing to put in the work they want to change things they want to be the one you know they and they want the other person to do it but that other person either isn't willing to isn't able to isn't healthy enough to be able to do it but doesn't want to do the work to change themselves and when you can't you know you cannot change anyone else but yourself so if that other person is not on the same page is not putting in the work is not putting in the effort that then you know you're it's a waiting game how how long are you going to wait to stay in a situation and one other thing you know I hear a lot of people say I want to stay for the kids and I get it because I did the same thing you know I I wanted my kids to have that two-parent relationship where you do things together and you celebrate holidays together but is that a good role model for your children to be in an unhealthy unhealthy relationship and take away you know cheating take away domestic violence take away the really unhealthy things even just an unhappy marriage where you don't respect each other is that what you want to model for your children as the ideal that they're going to grow up and repeat and that's part of the equation and I think you know I've looked through your things I think you do an excellent job and you've been able to help a lot of people and I agree with a lot of the things you say because when you're thinking about those things it's not it's not just talking you know anybody can talk you can talk to a stranger at a coffee shop but when you're really making progress you want to be in a safe scenario but you want somebody who makes you uncomfortable and pushes you to really challenge you know your beliefs and what you think because if you just keep doing the same things you've been doing you never change and in any situation the only person you can change is you and you know this is one of the things getting back into the legal side of it as a lawyer the we get the best results for people who start that internal change at the very beginning of the process because everything in their life starts to change even how the other person responds to them starts to change so it might not change that person but it does change their situation and it just creates a much better you know both legally and personally a better situation all the way across the board yeah exactly and I think I see the same so the majority of people I work with are trying to save their relationship that's often often the case and whether that they'd be the betrayed or the unfaithful mostly as you know working specifically with with betrayal we'll be right back in just a moment are you feeling lost and confused after infidelity introducing the on-purpose coaching programme the path to transforming your pain into empowerment by taking back control the on-purpose coaching programme is specifically designed to help you go from feeling paralysed by betrayal to feeling empowered and secure in your relationships as someone who has already walked this journey I understand your struggles and provide a customised coaching experience tailored to your unique situation don't let betrayal define you take control of your life and regain your confidence visit lifecoachluke.com today to learn more about the transformative on-purpose coaching programme plus you can book a let's talk discovery call to explore how I can support you personally and don't forget to subscribe to receive the latest relationship tips and tricks in your email box once a week take the first step towards a stronger more empowered you visit lifecoachluke.com today and unlock your true potential let's get back to the show that at least one partner in this case is actively wanting to to solve the problem and of course they're wanting the other person to come along that journey with them and that isn't always reciprocated at least not in the way that they they want they might prepare to take one step or two steps but they're not prepared to take the five or ten steps that that they're willing to but there are also examples where maybe the the experience infidelity was actually in a previous relationship or it was from some time ago and they have now come to a point where that they've embarked on this journey of self discovery this this this awareness the understanding themselves in a way that they have never done before being able to make take much more responsibility for themselves and make much more intentional decisions and have they the the often common reflection is had i have understood this and known this now i would have approached the separation the divorce the the split up the how we dealt with the kids in such a different way so because you're dealing primarily with that decision of divorce already has been made yeah so in terms of obviously there's the legal element but in terms of your your role within your your business your your firm and how do you support and look after your clients beyond that decision making process and how does that differ from what you experienced when you went through it yourself yeah i think for me i i had to do the journey you know there was nobody showing me a new way to think or pointing me in that direction or saying you know go see a coach go see a therapist it was oh let's just get you out of this legal issue that you have and get you the best result that we can or at least what they think is the best result for you and um there's like three things that i want to say but basically the hardest part you know as a practitioner and somebody who's helping somebody through a divorce is you see oftentimes if there's you know let's go with cheating because i know that's that's your main thing when you see that there becomes a huge distrust in everyone that's around them and we also see that you know that comes into play on us where if there's any sort of decision they need to make it starts well how do i know you're on my side how do i know that you're not actually working behind the scenes to make it better over here and that can be a very difficult you know scenario to represent because our goal is to get the divorce moving forward and that's why we start pointing somebody in the direction okay there's definitely some issues here that you need to get through so we can do our job so i think on a practitioner level that's where we see it or the other the other place where we see it is just that anger you know that anger and the resentment and that can be on both sides you know it can be a wife who's cheated on her husband it could be a husband who's cheated on her wife and that divorce come becomes about revenge and that's never what you want your divorce to be about you know it might give you that immediate satisfaction of screw you you know i'm going to make this hard for you you don't you don't get to just ruin my family and walk away and maybe on a personal level you have to go through something like that but do it with a coach do it with a therapist don't do it in the divorce process because it just makes things more expensive it makes things harder you know you there's a lot of times um and it's really interesting because i just posted on social media so my husband and i just spent the day with his ex-wife her boyfriend and you know my husband and his ex-wife's kids and it was great and it was a long time in the making but it was an absolutely amazing day and i posted about it and then i started seeing messages from some of my old clients who had horrible divorces and they were like it's taken years but we've finally been able to get to that point so if you can minimise the anger within the actual divorce process and again you can't make the other side do it so you know you can only control you but if you can minimise that anger and the resentment throughout the process you might be able to reach that point sooner where it's a good situation for everybody you know not not just that that contentiousness within the divorce that's so true and i think with regardless of the the reason for the breakdown in the relationship it's so easy to blame and put everything external and display it through anger and the idea of revenge and and it feels right in the moment it's like i'm hurting you should be hurting too in fact you should be hurting more than i am because the only reason i'm hurting is because of you that that's that's how it feels you know and i suppose to somewhat loose extent that is true subjectively depending on the situation but generally speaking how we feel is well within our control and we can choose to either hang on to that anger we can hang on to that resentment that bitterness and ultimately keep blaming but then we're leaving ourselves permanently in that state and then we're making decisions from that place and like you say going through something like a divorce which is a stressful experience even if it goes smoothly you know even if all the the the t's are crossed and the the eyes are dotted so to speak that it's still uh you know a less than desirable experience because like you say people at least i believe and from everybody that i know personally and i've spoken with who have who have got married they got married with the intention of remaining married they didn't get married with the intention of getting divorced that was never you know all they did it opened the door to the possibility of divorce but it was never that intention and to to hang on to that and drag that through the rest of your life and not just the divorce process i think is is is very dangerous and but but it's done and without that guidance and support or even the acknowledged even to know that it even exists because you're looking at everybody else you're looking at what other people have done you're looking at what your mates say and your friends and your family oh yeah screw him you know take him for everything he's got you know all this kind of and and this happens on both sides of course and it's it's meant well but ultimately we feel it's about what we're feeling and it's whether it's pleasant or not and it's if we want to be in a state of constant discomfort and that's where we actually want to spend the time of which nobody does of course then by hanging on to that anger and that resentment and and you know restricting the opportunity for forgiveness and and things like that really keeps you stuck so bringing back to when you made this change you know you you had gone gone through the divorce process yourself you decided that you wanted to to make an impact yourself and you like you say you had three children under the age of six and at that point required all of the qualifications and things that were necessary to fulfil your dream where did you find the courage the the um the the everything that was required to to do that at that i mean i've got i've got two children they're currently six and ten and they were three and six ish when when i got divorced and it's a hard work you know even you know even when it's split across two parents you know and to to do that independently took something and sorry i'd love to know how sure so i think when i initially made the decision it was i i was a little under the impression that every attorney was rich i found out later that just is not true like i've been very very successful but i was hanging my hat on the wrong peg there however i i saw something that needed to be changed and i saw something that i thought i would really enjoy and i said to my attorney you know it was a point i didn't have any money like we we didn't have a lot i had like i said nothing but a high school diploma um at that point the economy had really taken a turn everything was down and i looked at it as i could spend the next you know 7 to 15 years of my life struggling to be able to achieve a goal that i think will put me in a better position be able to put my kids in a better position or i can bartend and probably struggle for the rest of my life not improving myself just so i can make ends meet and i remember looking at my attorney he said heather you know you've got three little kids you have an ex who doesn't like to pay child support how what are you going to do and i looked at him and i don't know if you've seen legally blonde but it was one of those moments where i was like wow i'm gonna go back to school and i'm gonna become an attorney and i'm gonna open my firm and i'm gonna change divorce and he was like uh yeah um so really like what are you what are you gonna do i was like no that that's what i'm gonna do and then you could see the realisation sink into his face as he realised i was not just joking and um and he said do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into and again i was like nope but i will figure it out so did you feel like you were i mean not necessarily then but but even now looking back on reflection did you feel like you were reacting to the situation as in was there was there an element of like um so the right word i don't want to say blind ignorance but almost like naivety in the sense that it's like yeah i'm not sure exactly i was very ignorant to how much work it would be and i say now had i known how much work it was going to be i might not have done it but i'm very glad i was ignorant and you know and that's how i went through it of i'm gonna have to figure this out but i also was very aware of the fact kids get sick school gets cancelled you know i had to plan far in advance where my classmates had you know the the ability that if there was a snow day they they could take the day off i always had to be on and had to be over prepared as well as the fact i didn't have money i couldn't pay for school so i knew i needed scholarships i needed straight a's i needed perfect scores i needed to do everything i could to put myself in the best situation and i didn't take a second of that for granted you know there were many many sleepless nights there was one year where my son got me red bull for mother's day because he's he was like you need some energy you know it was it was definitely a sacrifice and there were there were definitely things you know i've had this conversation now my kids are all grown adults of you know a lot of times they felt like i was putting them on the back burner and that's very hard for me to even deal with to this day even though i do believe it was the right decision for a lot of reasons to to hear your kids say you know we we felt like school was more important we felt like you chasing a dream was more important than us that was hard but if i wasn't chasing that dream i would have been working 60 70 hours a week as a bartender you know scraping by and it still would have been the same situation it just wouldn't have got me the result that it finally got me you know when after all the hard work was put in and i say that tongue in cheek because i'm still putting in the hard work of course but then i also think a huge push for me was so we we had moved to an area that is pretty very poor for from where we live you know it's an area that's known for having multi-family houses for having people who are very very low income and my kids went to public school and this was while i was going through the process and my daughter um where we were was heavily portuguese speaking and so they told my daughter who i think at that point she was in like sixth grade fifth or sixth grade and they said well you need to take portuguese as a foreign language because you're from here people who are from here don't leave like basically you're stuck because of where you're from and she wanted to take mandarin because she was like i want that's the that's the most spoken language in the world like i want to do something that is going to help me move forward in my future and they were like no you have to take portuguese and she came home and she was really upset telling me the story but she said you know my teacher looked at me and said you can't do this and she stood up and she goes mom i looked at that teacher and i looked around the room and everybody was looking at me and i said don't you dare tell me or anyone else in this room that you can't be something in life because of where you are because i see my mom get up and go to school every day to be a lawyer and that's what she's going to do even though we don't have anything so don't you put us down i will tell you that invigorated me and every hard moment where i struggled with am i doing the right thing i thought of that and this is another thing because i've now brought this conversation up to my daughter who's like oh i kind of remember that but for her it wasn't a big deal for me that was my push and every time i was like i can't do it i would think of that moment and think of the the responsibility really i had to show people you are not stuck and that's how i use my story now of where i've come from and where i am and where i'm going that nobody is stuck if they don't want to be all they have to do is put in the hard work put in the dedication and you do have to sacrifice yeah yeah and well and that's amazing and i can i can completely understand how what an impact that must have had for you and and to really fuel that that drive to continue that that sort of almost almost almost sort of like self-validation in a way that confirmation that that this is the path i've chosen this is the path i'm taking and and i have i have my own back as a result and mentioned earlier that that people can often stay in relationships for the wrong reasons and one of those reasons being the children it's like oh well it's because they don't want to cause like unnecessary disruption to homes or all the things that come that come with it the the difficult conversations that need to be had to understand why mommy and daddy aren't you know together anymore and and of course i completely understand that it's it's a scary and frightening thing to to have to deal with and plus there's also the the dream and the belief that we know you got married you got with your partner you had children it was happy ever after that that was what you believed and having that belief system and that dream sort of like stripped away bit by bit is you know not something that anybody really wants to face up to but then after that there's the the point where you do separate and you now are in some kind of co-parenting type dynamic and i've said this before on the podcast but one of the things that i really recognised for myself was to begin with i was focussing on the kids like they were my driving force which was really useful it was like a useful stepping stone stone it was almost like a just something i could concentrate and focus on for a period of time whilst i was going through that initial healing stage but then i realised that for me to provide for my children in every sense not just financially but emotionally to be there for them to support them to encourage them to to enjoy them and embrace everything they have to offer that i realised putting myself at the top of that pile myself first by choosing myself then they get to benefit anyway and everybody else benefits accordingly and my life has changed significantly as a result of probably that one particular i'm sure there's been many shifts but that one particular shift i always come back to it's like oh hang on this is not about making it right for everybody else it's not living in that eternal people-pleasing brain of mine where i just want to try and make things better for people no this is this is about me and then everybody else gets the best of me anyway so it's like a win-win situation and so i could see how that would play true in your situation as well yeah and i think just to add to that because i think that is so vital not only for people who are coming out of relationships but for anybody at any point in their life you know it's something that i even within my firm i preach of what the areas that we deal with are extremely emotional extremely stressful and as an attorney of course i want everyone working because i do like a profit you know we want to be a profitable business but there's only so much you can give and unless you are you know putting yourself in a situation where you're happy where you're healthy you're going to burn out you're going to get run down and you're going to have to quit you know and that's not the right situation and i see this a lot in you know i'll speak specifically for moms because that was my experience is you see you know you have children and your children become your life they become your everything and i think in a lot of ways that's great you know you they have to be your priority they need you know they need the the the raising and the role modelling and the being there and being involved but i think so many people get so um so mixed up in that where that's all it becomes and they often lose sight of the relationship you know they're too tired to deal with that relationship and i'm not even saying on a negative you know where they're they're purposely doing anything it's hard you know it's very very hard to raise children and it's easy for you know you're not necessarily prioritising to to go by the wayside that could be your spouse that could be you and i think life is all about balance and it's when you can find that balance that's that's the best thing you can give your kids is showing them that you're happy that you regardless of the situation because again you cannot control the things that happen to you you can't control whether you get laid off from your job whether your spouse gets fired you know you can't control all those things but you can't control how you react to them and how you move forward from them but without that balance it's it's next to impossible yeah absolutely and i think the the the priority thing is an important one because you're right there's a there's a certain capacity that we all have to deal with any given situation there are only so many hours in the day and there are only so many things that we can do and we can some people can define themselves as busy um but that's completely subjective because i know i know people who you know there's been times in my life where i thought i was busy and i then meet people who have got seven kids and working a full-time job and then i think in my my my life it doesn't even come close to busy in comparison to that and i and i think it's there is the definite difference between generally speaking of course as with everything there's exceptions of course but when when we look at the role of the mother versus the traditional role of the mother versus the traditional role of the father let's say just for the sake of keeping it simple it's so common or at least it seems to me to be so common that the mother will obviously pay a huge amount of attention to the children and for good reason and and do all of the things that that are required but that does mean the priority is with the children and by definition that means the priority around the relationship the marriage the husband and other things not not just those but other things they start to take a side and okay for a period of time that's acceptable and that's fine and it's expected but when this go this this what starts out as a few months becomes a few years which eventually becomes decades and then let's even just say it's the 18 years it's the point where your kids grow up and start to to to move out and form their own adult lives and you know live separately and go off to college and do other things and then the mother is so often left in a position of like well who am i i've played this role for the last 10 20 years or so and i've focused all my attention on that because that was the most important thing to me and now i'm coming out the other side of that and what do i do i don't know the person i'm living with anymore you know we've sort of we've functioned as co-parents in fact that's kind of who we've been we've been co-parents we've kind of forgotten who we were we've forgotten that person we fell in love with to some extent and this is in this is even in what we could generally speaking consider healthy relationships and obviously i'm talking to you as a human being here not as a not as a lawyer or anything like that it's this is this it's i'd be interested to hear how that resonates with you whether that's something that you have experienced or whether it's something that you see amongst the people that you have worked with yeah and i think you know to to jump in my own personal experience because i like sharing that better than other people's i will share other people's but i feel like they should share their own um for me i remember you know after i went through my divorce i did a couple years of therapy where it was it was really rebuilding myself and i remember her sitting down and saying all right let's figure out what you like and it the question what's your favourite kind of pizza and i sat there and i was like i don't know because normally it's what does everybody want and then i'll just eat that and it to me it was one of those moments where i realised how much work i hadn't done on myself you know where that i didn't even know something as simple as my favourite type of pizza you know because everything had become about what what does everybody else need let me take care of those needs and you know i'll figure i'll figure myself out later and that's seen as amazing from everybody's perspective as well as in like from external you know it's it's perceived like oh wow what an amazing mom she's like so caring and so attentive and so so loving and thoughtful and and everything like perfect in in some ways it's like a sort of moulded in that way in some shape or form but actually that's all you're doing is you're being that thing for everybody else yeah you give up you give up a lot of yourself yeah and i think a lot of times people do it naturally you know it's the same thing when somebody goes to work they give up so much of themselves that you know and i'm i i will admit i'm a workaholic you know i i love to work you know it it drives me to see progress to see things growing to hear good stories coming from people i love that and for me it's very hard balance still is very very difficult for me to the point where my my husband's youngest daughter came in the office one night and she's like um heather are you um are you gonna divorce my dad and marry your computer and i was like oh no i was like all right shut it down but again you know it's balance it's the same thing with being healthy you know you can diet and you can work out like crazy and you can drop 100 pounds but if you don't maintain that balance you're gonna go right back into where you are and i think it's often you know i i do see the tendencies of giving up myself through my relationship now i give up a lot of myself through work that's something that i struggle with you know because when i'm in i am all in and it's very hard for me to pull back so that balance in life i think is what makes a healthy lifestyle and not just one area a good thing but it's something you know i still see to this day and i think i mean just recognising those those traits those characteristics of of yourself and not using that against you it's like acknowledging that this is who i am this is how i function this is how i work but recognising the impacts that that can have even if occasionally it does take someone else just to remind you on you know just to sort of bring it back to the top of the the agenda and i you know we're all guilty of that without shadow of a doubt we you know me myself i focus obviously quite heavily on on my work and helping my clients and and doing what i can to to support people in any way that i can but of course i also have a family and two children and you know and people that need and want me and also people that i want and need as well you know it's it's two ways it's not there's no there's no like one one way traffic i think that's when i think about the balance for me that's the the key the key element is that i'm balancing both my desire and wants and needs with that of the people that i care about and value who and obviously i take full responsibility for myself and i expect the people around me to do the same for them including my children to some extent i mean i know they're only young but but just starting to to encourage and and so they don't grow up in expecting or blaming the world blaming the circumstances for their misfortune or that their discomfort or whatever whatever that looks like so lastly as for somebody who's been on this journey of victim to victor or survivor to victor something to that effect what would be one message that you would like to pass on to someone who was in the situation that you were in years ago i think acknowledging the fact that it's hard acknowledging the fact that you don't have to be the person wearing the cape at all times you know it's okay to be upset it's okay to have to you know kind of get out the hurt but you have to be able to move forward you can't hang on to that you can't let that fester inside of you because all that's going to do is hurt you you know and i'll say it i don't know if my ex's family will watch this or whatever but you know after our divorce things didn't suddenly get better our our relationship was extremely contentious you know there was constant fighting over the kids because he wanted them to come live with him so he was constantly undermining me there was a lot of things wrong and even to this day my ex's side of the family i think often takes the stance of it's us against them instead of just you know it's two families that couldn't work out together but we still have these kids and it created a lot of conflict that i think over the years didn't necessarily need to be there but i actually thank my ex at this point for putting me through a lot of the crap that i had to go through because it wouldn't have given me the same viewpoint that i have now to be able to do what i do so my ex's life is very very different than mine now and sometimes you know i do a little bit of the look look who worked it out and so you know you can you can go just let it go your future will be so much better if you don't hang on to it and you just focus on how you can make yourself better instead of trying to fight with the other person or change what they are and who they are because you can't change a jerk you know you just can't do it so i think that's probably the one thing i'd say is the sooner you can start changing it in you the better off your future is going to be never a truer word you can't change a jerk it's funny but you you're right the point the point is whether that is is true or not is the reality is we can't control the other person full stop that's it we can loosely influence at best but to be honest it's not worth the effort most of the time it's just focus on what on the things that you can control which is you and how you react to any given situation so so it's been absolutely inspirational to hear your story and learn a bit more about you and and i'm i've no doubt that people find this extremely both entertaining and valuable in in all the ways so with regards to your law firm obviously you're based in massachusetts and obviously i'm in the uk and i have listeners globally of course so what realm of or what sort geographical area do you work with is it specifically in your local area is or how far do you expand yeah so um attorneys over here are licenced per state so we're licenced in massachusetts and rhode island but we really focus solely in massachusetts pretty much anywhere we're a very very tiny little state over here um so we it's like two hour drive from between the we represent in but um i've been told that our tiktok is pretty entertaining i've actually looked at it myself and i would agree so so i think you know even if it's something that the reason that i i love social media and i love putting the effort into content there yes of course it's a marketing tool but it's a way to be able to get a message out to so many more people people that i know will never be able to hire us you know whether it's because they can't afford it or they're just not in massachusetts and there's no way that we could ever help them but sometimes hearing somebody's other story or hearing a different way somebody says something can make such an impactful change that it doesn't matter and it's one of the things i love about programmes like this i love about social media is your your audience is so broad and you can help so many more people just by putting out one piece of content or on tiktok like 20 000 pieces of content and um you know they can watch that whenever they want and i try to be entertaining i try to be informative you know we try to do a little bit of everything because i find it really fun and i think it's a great way to help people move forward past a really crappy situation yeah i mean obviously i'll pop all the details in the show notes but what is your tiktok handle um o'connor family law all one word okay perfect well thank you ever so much heather it's been an absolute pleasure yeah absolutely i've enjoyed it so thank you i think heather's story is a testament to the power and determination of hard work despite facing financial constraints and being a single parent she embarked on a journey to fulfil her dream of becoming an attorney she wanted to create a better future for herself and for her children and also for those who have experienced a similar situation to hers so if you find yourself going through a divorce or a difficult time in your relationship where you are facing potential separation or you know somebody who is remember the importance of seeking guidance and prioritising that personal growth that we speak about so often letting go of those negative emotions and take heather's story as a beacon of hope showing that it really is possible to rebuild your life and find happiness even after a challenging experience like divorce once again it's been an absolute pleasure to have you all here with me today as we've followed heather's journey and i can't wait to speak to you all again next time.