45. Affair Partners - The bad smell that just won’t leave

When the affair partner remains in your life (whether physically, emotionally, or mentally), it can feel like a bad smell that just won’t fade. Their presence can be a painful and persistent reminder of betrayal, stealing your peace long after the relationship ends. For many betrayed partners, especially those navigating co-parenting or living in close proximity, this experience is agonisingly real.

In this episode, I share candidly from my own journey, how seeing the affair partner regularly triggered intense emotions, how I dealt with those reactions, and how I eventually reclaimed control over my story. If you're struggling with ongoing reminders, this episode will help you process the emotions, reframe the situation, and take back your power.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand why the affair partner triggers such visceral emotions and why it’s completely normal.

• Learn how to consciously shift your focus from them to yourself in moments of emotional overwhelm.

• Discover how to measure your healing progress by observing emotional shifts over time.

• Explore practical ways to reduce unnecessary pain without self-blame or drastic life changes.

• Reclaim authorship of your life by transforming reminders of betrayal into reference points of growth.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you had to navigate ongoing reminders of the affair partner in your life? How have you responded, and what’s helped or hurt your healing?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 45 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. There are few things less pleasant than a smell that just lingers.

Just one of these bad smells that just seems to hang around and you can't get rid of. There's several I can think of throughout my life. One was when I worked in the hospitality industry and well there'd be two parts actually.

One was the smoke from when people used to be able to smoke inside in pubs and restaurants and the other was from working within the commercial kitchens where you would have this. You couldn't actually smell it whilst you were working because all really you could smell was the food but the following day you'd get home get undressed and maybe put your clothes in the washing basket or and to be fair I was I was young at the time so probably on the bedroom floor and then wake up the next day and the clothes just stank of you know either just just tobacco type smell from the smoke or this sort of greasy oily smell from from the fat from the from the kitchens which are really really unpleasant. And then another one that sticks out in my mind was I'd had this Austin Metro again some time ago now.

It was a funny little car but I kind of loved it and some milk got spilt in the back and it ended up going into the into the carpet and I don't think I really noticed it initially but then I don't know if you've ever smelt off milk but this almost ingrained itself in the fabric of the vehicle and it was irremovable. There was just nothing I could do no amount of cleaning scrubbing anything could not get rid of this smell it remained there right up until the day that I finally scrapped the vehicle. There's another thing that has the same kind of essence as a bad smell and it's not technically a smell but it's the sight or the reminder of the affair partner.

I seem to see the affair partner from my own infidelity story way more regularly than I would like to. This is in part because he lives very close to where my kids and my ex-wife live so I visit obviously very very regularly and I will see him probably two to four times a week on average not to speak to but certainly within speaking distance on multiple occasions. Sometimes just as I'm driving down the road and he's coming along the path and the temptation to just swerve and make that problem go away would you know I'm not saying that those thoughts don't exist underlying obviously I'm not recommending that as an approach as I've heard that prison life is not that much fun.

So however I mean joking aside and I know I say joking but I know that many listening who have been in this situation or maybe even are in this situation these thoughts can feel very visceral they can feel very strong and I certainly remember a few years ago shortly after the affair that's how I felt. I really did want to to do harm and it was probably my calm nature to some extent and my desire to you know be a good role model to my children and to maintain a really solid co-parenting relationship with with their mother and also because I also didn't actually want to go to prison or suffer any of the consequences that that something like that might bring along. Another element that I found quite difficult to handle in the early days was when the affair partner was still in the relationship with my then ex-wife or my now ex-wife and of course we have children together so having him gradually integrate into their lives although subtly at first it was a very very challenging time something that I was not comfortable with and there was a really strong internal force coming from me that would sometimes give me the ideas to act irrationally and try and win things and play silly little games and try and manipulate and control and I did my absolute best to not act on those things as much as I could.

I'm not saying that anything didn't slip through the net but generally speaking I believe that I was able to keep it to a level that I can at least you know sit here today and talk back to you about that time and feel okay about. I feel like I showed up how I wanted to in that situation all things considered but it was certainly a very very challenging time. In some respects fortunately perhaps the relationship that my wife was having with this guy lasted for maybe a year I think in total something like that so that problem in itself did eventually go away for me so I suppose there's three elements one is the one is the first that your your husband or your wife is now in a relationship with another person they've taken that role that's that's difficult in itself then there's the element that the affair partner is maybe now becoming integrated into your existing life and even if you haven't got children it might just be through friends or family members or you know I had a good relationship with my and still do in fact have a good relationship with my in-laws or my ex-in-laws you know these kinds of things that things that you don't necessarily think about to begin with but over time you feel like you've been ejected in every sense of the word even though you were you know in terms of the the infidelity specifically were innocent let's say.

Then of course there's this this aftermath even once that has all gone and that has moved away and you've healed and you've forgiven and you've you've moved forward it doesn't mean that those reminders start can't still still happen. As we've already established dealing with the affair partner post infidelity can be challenging for several reasons. First the presence or reminder of the affair partner can trigger those intense emotions you know the anger betrayal jealousy or sadness as they are just a symbol of the infidelity that occurred is like a constant reminder.

This is especially difficult when the affair partner is still involved in some way or lives physically nearby like I've just mentioned and this can feel like a constant reminder of that betrayal. Secondly it can create a sense of confusion or uncertainty about your own identity and your own self-worth leaving us with questions like well wasn't I good enough or what do they have that I don't? And then finally it can make it harder just to move on when you're being frequently reminded of the affair. We attach these memories to this person we attach these memories to certain things even certain things that happened within the relationship before the affair happened that just all serve as little reminders of what we've lost what we had what we no longer have.

But these are all just stories so first thing I want to say here is it's okay it's okay to feel the way you do it's okay to feel frustration and jealousy and sadness and anger and betrayal you can feel those emotions there's nothing wrong with those that experience. Your feelings are valid and I want you to know that you're not alone in this struggle. It's okay to feel the way you do because your feelings are a natural and normal response to a deeply painful situation.

Infidelity is a significant breach of trust and it's natural to experience a range of emotions as you process what has happened. It's important to remember that everyone's healing journey is unique and your feelings are valid regardless of their intensity or their duration. By acknowledging your emotions and allowing yourself to experience them without judgement you can start to process the betrayal and move forward towards healing.

One of the things that I've learned from my own journey and it's also something that I help my clients see is that we cannot control the actions and the behaviours of other people. We can't force them to move house or to not show up in certain places or we don't bump into them in the supermarket those things can and will happen. We may also come into contact with these people at social events at family gatherings, parties, birthdays and things where both partners have been invited because of the mutual connections that they have.

Or perhaps we just see photos and things on social media that just trigger and remind us that our situation has changed. We're not in the life or role that we once were and now somebody else is in some way taken on some of that responsibility. But what we can do is we can control how we think about it.

We control how we feel about it even though it often doesn't seem that way and we of course can control our actions and our reactions. Now no one and myself included are not saying that that's easy. In fact it's often far from it but it is well within our power and simply knowing that you have that control that you are ultimately the author of your own story, you are the one that turns each page, you are the one that writes the next chapter, it's all there for you to be able to make those choices and take control, then that can reintroduce a significant level of autonomy back into your own relationship and know that you are no longer a victim to these other people's behaviours.

A useful strategy is to consciously shift your focus from the affair partner back to yourself. Ask yourself what can I do to take care of myself in this situation? Remember self-care isn't just about spa days, bubble baths, days out with the lads, it's about making choices that protect your emotional, mental and your physical well-being. It's getting enough sleep, it's eating, it's going out for walks, it's being with nature, it's being present, it's being aware, it's appreciating your family and your friends and just being alive.

And when we're reminded of the affair, especially after the affair partner is in close proximity, it can trigger a flood of emotions but this is normal. But it's crucial not to dwell on those reminders or give them more power over your life than they deserve. This might sometimes involve changing some routines or habits, seeking support from friends, family or professional.

Now I'm not suggesting that you change everything in your life to fit around the inconvenience, let's say, of the affair partner in this case. You shouldn't necessarily have to move house or change job or change all of your social settings or friends or all of the other things that you could potentially modify as a result of this. But if there are certain things that you can remove that are relatively harmless and ease you psychologically, ease your emotional experience, then why not choose those? If it is a case of taking a different route to work so that you don't drive past the house or the thing that you see every day that reminds you, then just do it.

Why put yourself through that unnecessary pain? Maybe there'll be a day where you can and you do feel more ready to go and face that and see how you feel. And often actually it can be in that seeing, in that that constant re-trigger that can give you a great point of reference in terms of how you're doing on your healing journey. But when you're faced with it all the time, it's impossible to notice anything.

If anything, you'll gradually get worse not better. There's an interesting balance here. Sometimes because we are responsible for our own thinking and therefore we are responsible for how we feel and we're responsible for how we therefore act, it can sometimes feel when we're not doing those things that gives us an excuse to beat ourselves up about it.

That, oh well I'm not doing it good enough. I can't even, I can't even do this. Not only was I not good enough in the relationship, I now can't even heal myself even though I understand it.

I've been listening to this for ages and I still can't figure it out. This idea though, this self-sabotage that we sometimes do to ourselves, is all about expectation. It's about assuming that healing is a linear process and of course it's not.

It's when we think that tomorrow is going to be better than today and that's the same rule that we apply for every day, as though every next day is going to be better than the previous and might sound like a nice goal. The reality is life just doesn't work that way. There are going to be some days that are better than others and they're going to be some days that are worse.

So don't judge yourself harshly for these rough days that come along. It is okay to grieve. It's okay to feel the loss.

It's okay to feel the pain. These feelings in fact are a testament to your ability to love and trust and even though these attributes were perhaps arguably taken for granted by your ex-partner, they make you who you are and that's a person who's capable of deep connection and significant commitment. Significant commitment to the journey of doing the hard thing to get better and that's exactly what you're doing right now and that's exactly the journey that I'm helping the people that I work with do as well.

If I think about bringing it back to the affair partner in my relationship, I see this guy like I said quite regularly. How do I feel about it now? Well actually I don't feel a great deal for a long time. I did intentionally use it as a reference point.

So when I did see him or I drove past the house or there was something that reminded me, it would give me a sensation, a feeling to begin with that was really intense and you know really visceral and sometimes I get upset, sometimes I get angry, sometimes I just wanted to run away, sometimes I just you know I was maybe going to see the kids and it made me want to just turn around and drive the other way but then over time it was I was able to notice the change in how I was feeling every time I saw it or I saw him and it made me really acknowledge how much progress I'd made because at the end of the day my relationship with him was nothing more than my thoughts about him just like my relationship with my ex-wife was or my relationship with the kids or my relationship with anyone. They're just my thoughts about those people so it's within my power to adjust how I want to feel in any of those relationships and the relationship with him had changed. He had betrayed me as well.

Of course he was a friend, it was somebody that I knew but feeling anger or hatred or betrayal towards him, vengeance, were not useful. I was the only person experiencing it. He was just living his life.

He probably didn't care. Well he certainly didn't know what it was that I felt and even if I'd told him, even if I'd let him know in some way, I mean really what impact would that have actually had? I might have felt better for a moment but how long would that pleasure have lasted and would have it actually changed anything? Well no, the answer is no, it wouldn't have made any difference. Not to me, not really, not in the grander scheme of things.

So now when I see him I feel fine. It just doesn't concern me anymore. It doesn't bring back any of those memories even though I could go there if I chose to.

I'm just perfectly okay with it. I actually have quite a lot of compassion and quite a lot of understanding and I suppose you could say forgiveness in some respects because again by me holding on to those emotions it was only me that was feeling any of that. It was me that was carrying the burden, not him.

If I'm honest, probably the only thing that I still don't particularly like is that when I'm walking down the street and I see somebody, generally speaking, I will acknowledge them, I will nod, I will smile, I'll say hello, I'll say good morning. Those kinds of things and of course with him that's just not going to happen anymore because that particular level of trust that was broken, it's just not something I want in my life. It's not because I'm afraid of anything.

It's not because I'm afraid that if I were to let him back into my life, even if that was an option, that he would betray me again. It's just that I just don't want that for me. He can live his life fine and I hope that he's happy.

I hope he eventually finds what it is that he's looking for in his life and hopefully he can do that in a way that doesn't involve damaging another relationship. But of course that's not my problem or my concern. In many ways I think that I, and probably even you listening today, can actually be thankful for him because if it wasn't, in part at least for him, then I would not be sat here talking to you about this right now.

I would not be working with my incredible clients and helping them on their healing journeys and rediscovering themselves after their own infidelity story. I would not be helping you on your journeys in whatever form and however that can help. I would not be creating the social media content and the weekly subscriber email and all of the things that I'm doing.

My life is completely changed as a result of his and of course my wife's actions that have created something so much better. Now don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for that. I could have gone in a very different direction and I have chosen not to.

I've chosen to use the experience to pivot and make something so much better from it and I know that can be true for every single person who's experienced the same thing. I absolutely believe that 100%. You have the power to change your story.

There's no, no one knows what that's going to look like. Nobody knows. I still don't know what my tomorrow looks like, not really.

You know of course I have plans, I have goals and I have dreams but as I have evidenced so many times in my own life and you I'm sure will experience the same, we don't know what comes tomorrow. But we do have the ability to make the choices today anyway, regardless. So I want to remind you that no matter how difficult the situation may be, remember that you're more resilient than you realise.

You have the power to navigate through this, to grow and to find happiness again and if you want any help with it, you know exactly where I am. You can visit LifeCoachLuke.com. You can contact me directly at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com and we can be talking in no time if you would like me to help you. It's no obligation.

I offer 30-minute free calls to anybody that's going through this situation. If it turns out we're a good fit, then sure we can talk about what that might look like. But if it's just to help you on your day, help you get some clarity around your situation, then that is literally what I'm here for and I'm helping many other people do the same thing as we speak.

So please, you know what to do. Okay, thanks ever so much for being with me today. It's been an absolute pleasure as always and I will talk to you again next week.