38. Breakthrough Conversations with Diana Maria Indries

When communication breaks down after betrayal, reconnecting can feel impossible. You might be aching to bridge the gap, but don’t know where to start or even what to say. In this episode, I’m joined by Diana Maria Indries, the creator of Better Topics, a relationship game designed to help couples have deeper, more meaningful conversations without pressure, blame, or awkwardness.

Diana shares her inspiring journey from corporate NHS manager to relationship game creator, and how her own frustrations with shallow relationship tools led her to design a game that gets beneath the surface. Whether you're rebuilding after infidelity or trying to re-establish connection in a struggling relationship, this episode offers hope and a tangible way forward.

Key Takeaways:

• Discover how structured questions can reignite emotional intimacy and trust.

• Learn why settling in relationships leads to resentment and what to do instead.

• Explore how unmet expectations and lack of communication fuel emotional detachment.

• See how the Better Topics game turns awkward conversations into bonding moments.

• Understand the power of taking 100% responsibility in your relationship healing.

💬 Reflection questions:

Do you struggle to talk to your partner without it turning into conflict or silence? What’s helped you open up, or what’s getting in the way?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to episode number 38 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Today I'm being joined by Diana Indries. Diana was a manager in the corporate world of the NHS in the UK and is now the creator and the CEO of the card game or the relationship card game Better Topics.

Relationships are her longtime passion and over the past few years she has taken this to the next level and is helping thousands of couples in over 176 countries with their relationship issues. As fun education and educating through games is a big passion of hers she's helped couples improve their relationships and communicate more effectively while still having fun by playing the Better Topics game for couples. The game also won the innovative gaming product of the year 2021-22 at the Central England Prestige Awards.

But to find out more and learn a little bit about Diana's story and how she's got here then let's jump straight into the conversation. Well good morning Diana it's a very sunny Friday morning here in the UK. I've just been out for a run myself this morning and topped up the the burn from earlier this week.

It's absolutely wonderful to have you on the podcast. I think I'm gonna be better off just letting you introduce yourself and letting the guests know a little bit about your background and what it is you do what is you did and what you're doing now and how that's all come about. Well first of all thank you Luke for having me on your podcast and indeed it is a very sunny morning in Sheffield as well which is amazing.

I've actually just went out for like an hour walk because we have a massive park just nearby the house and I couldn't believe it like it's it's finally somewhere it's finally here. Exactly it really is. It's so lovely out there at the minute.

Yes so about my background I actually graduated law in uni which was a hundred years ago. Approximately. And then because I'm originally from Eastern Europe and then I straight away moved to the UK straight after uni and what my original plan was to be here for like three months maybe six months because the economy at that point was very very different from Romania so you know many of my friends and colleagues would just like come out you know work for three to six months the odd job get some money together and then go home and either buy a car or maybe even use it as a down payment for a house because you know the economy was so different then.

Sure. And my idea was the same you know it's like I'm gonna go out like a few months you know make some money come back and then my plan was to study for the following year's magistrates court exam because in Romania after you finish law school you have to have like another exam and then two years training and then you can actually be a judge or a prosecutor depending what you choose. So that was my initial plan then and a week into being in England I called my mom and I said I'm not coming back in three months and at which point obviously my mom freaked out and then I called my brother as well to just come out because you know there's no point to stress so much for so little pay in another country when for example in the UK I was making three times four times maybe that even working I don't know in a random shop because that was my very first job in UK.

So after a while after I settled in in the UK I decided that okay I want to stay here for a long time and you know I want to make something of myself basically because I've always been very driven in my life and career so I started working in NHS. I started in the admin side as office admin and then I worked my way up all the way to management and you know when I first started I thought that once I get to a management position I'll be happier I'll have a better pay and also what was very very important for me I would have creative freedom into the things I would want to implement things how I would want to change also because I've started from the lowest admin position and I worked my way up at every level I've seen so many things that could be improved so I thought you know once I'm a manager I'll be able to do all these amazing things that I always thought you know should be done in the in the field but once I got there I realised that that wasn't the case I didn't have the freedom I wanted I didn't have the creative freedom I wanted and my job basically just required me to take things from my managers and just distribute them to my team and that was it like nobody needed me to have great ideas because that would just mean more work for everyone and nobody really wanted that and at the same time you know in the meantime I've met my husband we got married very quickly and you know I was starting to not be happy at work anymore and struggle with it and trying to find my drive back but then I was looking at my husband who would work literally from 8 in the morning till 10 11 at night constantly working being on calls with people and he would still be super excited at the end of the day you know so I was like I don't know how that is I want that for myself because you know I thought we spend so much time from our days doing work basically I want to enjoy it same as my husband was enjoying it you know you would always be super pumped like he would be excited to work come Monday morning he would be super excited to start working and I would just look at him and I would be depressed that I have to go to work and I was like so I'm clearly doing something wrong because clearly you can actually have fun doing this too so we started brainstorming what else could I do other than NHS because at that point I already spent almost eight years in NHS and I really enjoyed it to a certain extent and but I felt I wanted to do something else something more challenging more creative and you know all the things that I couldn't do in my NHS government job I wanted to do on my own you know and I started brainstorming what that would be like and during the same period of time I was getting these so-called carded in for couples but many of them would have only one of questions you know on a piece of paper things that you would ask your partner and then that's it and I was very very very frustrated with these games because first of all there wasn't anything to play with second of all some of them would only be drinking games with your partner which we don't drink so that was like okay what else are we gonna do and thirdly most of those questions didn't really help a relationship per se you know so because I was also interested in relationships for many years you know I've been dating since I was like I don't know 15 16 and you know with all that experience came a lot of stress as well anxiety heartache you name it I've been through all of them and also a lot of people around me telling me that I should just settle you know so all of those led me to actually thinking I want to do this right you know I was at the point in my life where I wasn't dependent on anyone I was having my own money I even own my own house by that point you know I was like I want to have fun with someone and enjoy my relationship instead of just having to settle down or even create more problems for myself so you know I went to a lot of courses and books as well and training as well on how to actually have a great relationship because what I found was that all of the things that I knew about relationships were from either romantic comedies from what I've seen around me from what other people have told me but I never actually had an actual training for it you know because for example in a workplace scenario if you want to achieve a certain position you might need certain skills you will go and develop those skills one by one you will take a course on it you will read a book on it and you will do all of these things and you will start doing it you know to perfect that skill and I thought why am I not doing the same in relationships and I was like I can actually have the same approach in this and I started having that so that's why when you know I've actually got together with my husband he was very very impressed and loved the way how I always work on our relationship you know and even getting these games these card games were something that I thought we can both do together because you know it's quality time spent together but also we're working on the relationship and strengthening the bond which I think it's very very important especially in a romantic relationship so you know out of my frustration with these card games and also being you know in a time in my life where I wanted to do a massive shift in my career we actually got this idea what if we create our own game and how would that look like okay if we could actually create our own game what would be the elements that we would put in it so this is how better topics got created because literally we took everything that we liked from other board games because we have so many in the house and we included in these so basically you have the surprise element you know depending what type of cards you're dealt because you have to shuffle them and then deal out five cards each and then you have the game like element which are modifiers so alongside the repeatable questions which again was a very important thing for us for to create the questions in a way that you can ask them every week but the answers will be always different because whatever we go through every week changes anyway and so we have that surprise element and then the repeatability of a game that you can play it over and over again is just it's not a type of game that you play it once and then you can gift it or give it away or just throw it away because that's it you're done with it and also the surprise element which is the modifiers where you can use them to either ask more details for the question or even reverse the question cancel it maybe you know so if for example I think I got my husband locked in because you know it's a bit of a difficult question he can cancel the question I'm like okay then yeah and also alongside the discussions that the cards bring to the table we've included a part which are the rewards in the cards so basically whoever wins the game. Rewards did you say? Yes.

So whoever wins the game you know they get to choose their own reward and that is always either something to do together or something that your partner needs to do for you basically so alongside of having those important discussions that actually help a relationship other than what's your favourite colour what's your favourite ice cream and these random things which okay they might count to a certain extent but they're not crucial for a relationship and you know for a bond connection basically and yeah that's how it started and I started working on the questions which took us a while and then in June 2020 in the middle of the pandemic we've decided to launch it although we didn't feel we were 100% ready but because of what happened we thought that people actually need this because many we found even from our friends many people that were in relationships they were literally physically locked in with their partners and had no idea what to do with each other they literally had no idea because people were telling them oh we have to talk to each other and they're like okay but how about what they didn't even know how to start those important conversations so you know we thought okay this is the best time to launch it because it will actually help a lot of people. Wow well firstly thank you that's an incredible introduction and sort of explanation of your journey so far and there's so many things I've written down as you were talking so many similarities as well and I think I think even just the fact that there's a lot of similarities you know the sort of the being driven the being in an employed role where you could see where there was improvements being to be made in so many areas and I feel like many of the jobs that I've had over my life that's exactly who I've been in that job always worked my way up to the top and wanted to be able to improve and then of course it gets to the point where in this like middle management type role you just don't have the power and you end up just being that middle you're still got you're still ultimately employed so the rules are set from above and the people below you you know you can build up that rapport and that you know respect to an extent but you're not paying the wages so there's still you still feel like just a messenger a lot of the time despite having like a real passion and desire to want to improve and make change and and implement and I know for me certainly as as I sort of so embarked on my self-employed career it's it's given me that freedom to be able to do many of the things that you know I can if I want if something's not right about business I change it you know yeah you know and there's no limitation to what I can try and what I what I can experiment with and and how I can make progress so it's completely changed my life and I can tell the same is true for you and it's also interesting you're talking about because I've played some of these like you know the games that you sometimes buy from the supermarkets often they're in the you know the special section at Christmas for like cheap fun gifts for your partner or whatever or maybe to play with a family and and you write a lot and do tend to follow that sort of more generic you know like you say what's your favourite colour what's your favourite animal those those kinds of things this is and that might create like you say a bit of a database of information about your partner and I'm not saying that those things aren't useful of course you know that they really can be because then you can use that information to then you know maybe buy them thoughtful gifts that are in some way related and all the source but it doesn't like you say go to that next level to create a deeper connection is it's almost a little bit superficial so when you you talk about this this game that you've created this better topics game that that really gets below that layer heals that back and starts actually exploring how to make that deeper connection which ultimately that's I think what everybody's seeking in some way anyway you know we have this we often get into relationships and and become very dependent on the other person to show up in a particular way to make us happy and this is something I talk about on the podcast a lot that that's half of the problem when it comes into relationships is this expectation the other person must behave in a certain way and that's why you often see people get into a relationship one partner is maybe not behaving in the way that the other partner thinks or expects and they blame the partner therefore it's the partner is not good enough so they leave that relationship they change the partner and then they get the new boyfriend or girlfriend and then the same pattern starts to reemerge and then that doesn't work so they get rid of that boyfriend and then it's the next one and so on and of course it's because that expectations about the other person fulfilling all of your needs and then you become dependent on it and it completely ties you in knots and if you both people doing that in the relationship at the same time there is no room to move forward at all it's also interesting and hearing that message as well that you should just settle oh my god oh my god ruined my 20s I think um I don't know if it actually ruined it but it just made me be even more determined not to do that yeah you know because I was looking at people around me who have been in relationships for years for example my parents they've been married for almost 40 years which is crazy and I see their relationship and many times I thought I do not want this you know I do not want it to be like this yes I understand you know they got married then they didn't know as much as we know now I I understood everything I understand them as people because I analysed their background so I understand all of that and I'm not holding anything against them but the decision I took for my life was that I do not want that if it's not great I don't want it you know because many people are like oh yes but in the beginning and then you get used to it but why should you get used to it you know it's like a food that is not good for you yes maybe if you eat it enough times you know your body gets used to it but that still doesn't mean it does good for your body you know because we all have different bodies and they all like different things you know like I cannot have the same exactly the same amount of calories as well and everything as my husband because my body processed that differently I would be as big as a house in a month whereas he would barely put on two pounds of muscle you know so in relationship as well why should I just settle if something doesn't feel right in the beginning you know I always thought that if it's not nice in the beginning then when will it get to the you know yeah and I think we're probably at that that point where like you say our parents generation and maybe our grandparents generations were of a time and not like I say not there's anything wrong with that because it's like anything you know you many of us fall into the sort of societal expectations of how things should be it's important to recognise that there's some real utility in sticking with someone regardless through thick and thin and you know and maybe even maybe even playing out a certain role to some extent but not when it leaves you disempowered not when you're doing it just because yes exactly that and that's and I think that's the difference I think there's if I look at sort of like previous generations it was almost people would stay together in spite of each other almost you know it's like the complete opposite of why you would stay together and yes and I'm not saying there weren't some wonderful relationships and I have met people who have been been married for like 60 years and they clearly have had an incredible life and so it's not saying that that itself is the is the common denominator but there are also plenty where you're in a relationship you think it should be right to remain in that relationship you you you fight tooth and nail for it in some way but it's almost like you're fighting in the wrong direction and then gradually you build up this little bit of resentment time you know day as each day goes by as each week and each year goes by and this gradually compounds for each of you you both ultimately end up living together but sort of hating each other and not really being connected not really being on that same path anymore and unfortunately for many that can end in all kinds of things sometimes it can end in you know infidelity topics I talk about but but usually just misery and discomfort you know the breaking point for me was when I realised one thing that you know after having few relationships fulfilled relationships and I started analysing each one of them I realised that the people in it my partners in it in each relationship were very different one from another like what they were doing in life how would they look how outlook what outlooks they would have on life what values they would have they would be very very different and I realised that I was the only common point in all of those relationships so clearly I was making the wrong choices also I realised that anyway at the end of the day I am the only one I can influence you know and then it got to me because I thought yes I want a great relationship but I had no idea what that looked like first of all we all have this dream idea of oh I just want to be happy and amazing and have this great relationship okay how does that actually look like to you because we all want different things in life we all want to be loved in a different way so how would a great relationship look like for you first of all and second of all and this was my big aha moment what does it take to be a great partner you know because before expecting someone else to be a great partner to you you should also be a great partner to them and this is where the shift actually happened to me where I stopped wishing and I stopped expecting others to behave in certain ways because anyway you cannot control that you know exactly every time you expect something from the outside to be or happen in the way you want it to be that is a sure recipe for misery basically because things don't happen the way we think they should happen they just happen they're not good or bad again they just happen and then we perceive them either as good for us or bad for us you know so that's why I thought then it was like oh my god I don't even know for myself what a good partner looks like you know and when I started shifting that belief from looking outside towards the other partner and waiting for them to make me happy waiting for them to bring things to the relationship I shifted it completely towards myself because again at the end of the day I am the only one I can influence and I have power over and I started thinking of what are the things that I could do and how does even a good partner look like and I started working on that you know and that's when all the pressure that we tend to put on our partner comes off them and that gives them freedom too you know because if maybe our partner just wants to love us but in a different way you know there are the different love languages if we understand those we understand that actually our partner tried to love us but we didn't get it as love we didn't understand that and I think that's a really important point to understand is that you know two people can feel love and they can say that they love each other and they can use these words and these just these descriptive words but in terms of how that actually feels on the individual level there's no way of knowing whether those two feelings are the same there's no way of knowing the level of depth the intensity the the thought that's gone behind it like you say you've you've described yourself as sort of analysing your relationships and I feel that I can relate to that I often do as well and but I know lots of people who don't at all you know because they are putting all of that the problem is all on the other person so what's the point in you know they were the problem move the problem so problem solved as far as they're concerned and no digger deepings required and I think I'd written down earlier you know looking outside for the how and I think that's a really important thing because you don't we don't get educated on exactly how to be in a relationship it's just not it's we're just not taught we're not taught how to build friendships I mean we sort of just it's just learned behaviour from what we see and the problem is that learned the behaviour that we're imitating or copying or even if we're tweaking it slightly is actually just learned behaviour that they store and so on and so on and so on and you can go back generation after generation so you imagine your average couple and they are you know not really knowing what a good relationship looks like or requires or or needs maybe and maybe there's a little part of them thinking that the other person should you know meet their needs slightly better or whatever it is they don't really know what to do there's no instruction manual so what they're just winging it but yeah they're winging it and they look at the couple across the road but guess what the couple across the road are looking back at them doing exactly the same thing so everyone's just sort of looking at each other winging it literally like you say you know we don't know how because no one's ever told us exactly it seems so so sad there's like there's two main elements of life that that this applies to for me one is this like no one is taught how to be in a relationship or how or what a relationship really is even and also people aren't taught how to what money about money like we're taught maths we're not taught about money you know we're taught we're taught how to get a job we're taught how to progress in our careers we're taught how to put away for our pensions we're taught all these things and i'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of those things but the point is there are significant parts of life that just seem to be omitted from the let's say the traditional education system and and i think there's there's room for i kept saying for years that i think education about relationships should be included in schools 100 you know because for example when i was going through management training whilst i was in nhs we had this course on personalities how to know which type of personality you are how to recognise what other people personality types have and also how to manage them correctly and how to package your message in a way that it comes across to them in a way that they will actually take it on board and do whatever they are supposed to do and even that course in itself it blew my mind because i started analysing my family at that point and everything just fell into place and it made so much sense all the arguments all the frustration everything made so so much sense and then i thought why people are not doing this and applying this in relationships is it just because at work we are paid to do this and we have to do it and i understand to certain extent no people don't want their relationship to also be a chore they don't want to have to think about it they don't want to have to plan about it but look where that has lead us you know like so many people are breaking up so many people are getting divorces because they don't invest anything in the relationship not even because you know there are so many points in a relationship where you can actually be careful like even from before meeting the right person to how to meet the right person to how to start the relationship putting the base of the relationship and having the actual relationship over years and over problems over good times over bad times and everything but you know many people just think that oh it just comes it should just be it should just exist why do we have this because we see a lot of romantic movies that you know lead us to this idea that they see each other they fell in love they go through some hurdles and they end up together and that's when the movie stops you know not many movies show you what what's happening years down the line like 20 years and even if they show you like 20 years into the relationship they don't show you day in day out what they are doing for it you know exactly they just show you the big highlights of it and this is it and then you as a person look at that and you're like is that it you know this is all you know it just happens by itself but actually you can do things and you can be proactive and one thing that my husband used to tell me when I first started he said the business will actually start working when you will take 100 percent responsibility for it and this actually is the same for relationships it's not 50 50 it never was no you know I will do 50 percent and you do 50 percent and if you don't do 50 percent I will hold my 50 percent against you for the rest of your life and punish you for it exactly yes like what is that nobody nobody wins exactly nobody wins and again um you know giving the example on a workplace because I'm sure most people will be able to relate to this in a workplace environment people are put together because you know they have different roles but they all come together to do something and still in many workplaces they have team building sessions either hours in a week either weekends away either retreats you name it they have team building things together they have meetings together where they talk where they understand each other's strengths and weaknesses and they come together and they're like okay you're not very good at that I can take that on if you take this on from me and they always negotiate things like this um we many times don't do that in relationships and I think that is a massive problem because we are not the same in a relationship we don't have the same roles in a relationship even if you know it might be a um you know same type of sex partners in a relationship still they don't have the same role in it you know it's still slightly different and that's why we all have different strengths different weaknesses but if we would still work on that you know if we would still have sort of team building sessions you know um that would actually solve so so so many problems for them you know and this I think because you know as you touched on infidelity because this is something you talk about a lot I thought about it many times why do evil people cheat you know I was never up for it because you know for me I think it's just a lot of too much headache and you need a lot of logistics around it and then lying and then remembering what you lied about and all of that stuff and but I understand so many people are into it and beyond the beyond those that you know just do it for fun and for excitement because they have nothing better to do with their life there are those people who are in a relationship in a committed relationship but still end up being unfaithful and I started thinking why is that and many times it's either the excitement to see what's out there you know just out of curiosity see how it goes because they've seen it it's interesting they've heard it it's interesting so they want to try it or what the main case is is that something crucial is missing in a relationship and that many times is the connection even if you know let's say the sex is there as often as they would like if the actual connection is not there one of them is bound to cheat at some point because whether male or female we all crave that connection whether we see it and we perceive it in different ways that's a different story but we all want that deep intimate connection at some point you know we definitely do and I think that it's yeah it's interesting that um from the perspective of the the unfaithful spouse I think that it's interesting the way you delivered that message and I have a not not a different take on it but maybe there's another element so from what I'm seeing a lot of I absolutely 100% agree it's the the breaking connection the the it's almost like you're two trains on a track and these these tracks are gradually parting away and you know you get to a point where you almost can't you're living in the same room but you can't see each other anymore it's it's it's like that and and again although there obviously there's there's people that will fall into every individual possible type of cheating and every different possible way of course there are but my overall observation is that most people aren't looking for the affair they're not looking for a partner they are just in a relationship where they feel unfulfilled and then there's some shiny bright light or there's some circumstantial event or some situational things that happen that then just like it's almost like an attraction is it you know and I liken it and I'm not to for the sake of not oversimplifying and I appreciate this for the people who who have been betrayed it can sometimes be hard to to acknowledge or even justify this way but much like my desire for chocolate you know I walk past a cake shop and there's a beautiful chocolate cake sat in the window there for me I find it very hard to resist now prior to walking down there I had no intention or even I wasn't even thinking about a chocolate cake and if you would be hungry if you would be hungry it would be so much more difficult to resist it and maybe you wouldn't even resist it anymore you would just walk and have the chocolate but if you would be well fed at home you could walk by the chocolate you would see it it's nice it's attractive I'm just gonna keep walking perfect yeah and I think that's it is so it's about my in this case it's about my relationship with food it's my relationship with my own nutrition and how I look at them because I haven't maybe got quite as stable or solid relationship with food as I would perhaps like to have then the chocolate cake yeah it gets my attention you know and okay it still takes me to walk into the shop and buy it and and all the things so this is where this is where there is that that dividing line when somebody is unfaithful it's always a choice there's there's no question about that but like anything we're humans we're driven by emotions and often our actions are very irrational we can't usually apply logic to to many situations because our feelings just become overwhelming and like you say if you if you're not feeling that connection and your relationships have parted ways in some respects then it's just increasing the probability that something like an affair could occur if I look at the the betrayed partners that I work with one of the things that has been true in every single case so far has been when they've reflected back the initial thing has been I wish I could turn back time I want to go back to that point before the affair and of course that makes perfect sense you know we want to get away from the pain it's a really unpleasant place to be you've lost trust there's all these things it's really really quite devastating so the initial thing is I want to go back I wish I could just turn back time which could just erase my memory of the last few months or whatever it is but then when we start working and start looking at things in a bit more detail and we start really paying attention to how they were showing up in the relationship and actually what the connection really was like and then they really start to get a much more a clear view of what was going on and what their relationship had been like for the previous six months or six years or six decades whatever whatever time span we look at then they realise that actually that connection had gone a long time ago and their expectations of their partner were maybe unjustified or unrealistic or and and again I appreciate from the perspective if you're if you're going through this right now it's very very difficult to see it that way because you feel like the victim you've had this thing done to you you've had the rug pulled from underneath your feet and you're left like I don't know what to do and the and you know and and where that sort of you know that almost like that that victim label you know which I'm not saying you're not a victim but if you live in that role it keeps you trapped and then you cannot move forward and you can't escape and and break that away yes that's very true yes and then something else that you'd um you touched on the the honey I actually don't think she said honey but I've written the word honeymoon so maybe I was just what I was thinking at the time but obviously you were talking about the like you know people seeing films and movies and you know it's always the the love story everything always works out the happy ever after and all that and I think maybe from like a real world experience is when we get into a relationship we experience that honeymoon period and it is intense and passionate and wonderful and lovely and all the things but of course that that can never last quite like it does there's something that goes on biochemically that makes that experience so incredible and the problem is once that does die off which it is going to then it does require work because the honeymoon period was easy it's almost like oh everything's just perfect you know you can't you cannot look at them in a bad way everything they do is wonderful everything they say just watching them walk it's just like magic you know everything becomes incredible it can be in some cases and then of course as you start to then for want of a better word settle into the relationship things then all of a sudden start to become a bit mundane a bit routine you're not learning as many new things about each other you're now facing the day-to-day stuff about finances and logistics and living arrangements and what activities the kids are going to do at school and and all of these different things that just get involved in life and actually it genuinely does become more I'm not sure hard's the right word but there are just more things to consider there's more things to do and you have to be proactive it's not going to just happen it's not like you're just gliding on this wave of pleasure anymore relationships take work they require hard work yes I think um when that uh honeymoon period starts to get to an end and the settling down process starts it isn't like a clear defined moment like okay from today onwards it's just like a thing that might last a few months weeks years even but I think the commitment of the people in that relationship is what counts the most because for example when I've met my husband he was out he was just out from a five-year relationship and I was already single for a while and I swore to myself that unless I actually meet a person I truly resonate with I don't want to see them twice you know like I'll go out on a date if I don't resonate with them if we don't have the same values or if I feel something is off because many times our intuition is right uh there's no point for me to just continue you know like I've given people so many chances and I was like I just think we're not compatible the way I want to be so that's it we parted ways and so when I came together with my husband when we first met and when we decided to actually be in a relationship we both took this decision because we were super committed to make our relationship amazing you know obviously if both people have this determination from the beginning it is easier because if you know there are weeks when I just don't feel like doing anything for the relationship I know my husband will chip in and he will do something for us you know or he will try to connect in a way with me where even if I don't really feel like it then and there by him trying to connect with me I understand that you know he still wants to feel close he's still supporting me through whatever I'm going through we're still a couple we're still together a tight-knit team and all of this so you know we're both basically pulling our weight again if two people in a relationship have both this commitment to each other then it's easier because you don't feel you always have to do things yourself but even if not even if for example one is more committed than the other you know being clear about this fact that you're committed to make the relationship great this is what actually will make your relationship great on the long run because if you're truly committed to make a relationship great that means you will set your date night you know every week you will make time to spend with your partner because yes life gets in the way might be career kids pets family you name it everything under the sun can get in the way if you allow it you know it's like again going back to the analogy with food because I think this is something most people can relate to it really depends on your goal what is your goal you know if your goal is to have a super fit body and healthy body you will not touch that chocolate however difficult it might be you will just close your eyes walk away and then maybe go into a different shop and get something healthier with a chocolate flavour just to settle that craving let's say and then still you know be on your exactly and in a relationship if it's important for you you will make time like anything else in life if you don't make time for it it means it's not important so if you have this commitment that yes I'm going to make my relationship great you will set your at least once a week a date night with your partner where you can have time only for yourselves you know if you have young children you can do it after they go to bed or maybe get the babysitter if they are slightly older either send them somewhere for a couple of hours and then have that time for you there are many many ways you can do this you know and also I think it's important to do this during the week because in a weekend especially if kids are off and everything it might be easier to just put it on the back burner and spend time with the kids do something as a family or maybe spend time with your family his family friends whatever you name it so if you do this if you have your time at least once a week you know that means you are committed to make this work and also when you have this date night don't just watch a movie and eat popcorn because although that might seem relaxing to many people you are actually not interacting as a couple you know you're not actually doing anything together you're watching your attention is outwards not to each other again you're not connecting to each other okay so this brings up a question for me so yes everything you're talking about is obviously it's like both partners are actively choosing and wanting to work on the relationship and that creates the solid you know relationship going forward and that builds that connection and all of the things so I'm thinking about it from the sort of perspective of maybe someone who's obviously a very difficult point in their relationship if they're at a difficult point in their relationship at least one person in that relationship probably hasn't got the mindset that you're talking about the mindset that you're demonstrating so for anybody listening who's maybe in a relationship and if they're they're resonating with everything that you're saying and like this is yeah that's exactly how I feel that's what I want I want to I want to that's what I want for my relationship but I'm not sure that my partner is even open to that it's like I feel like I can't even communicate with them anymore how do I even start what how would you talk to them particularly with like the idea of the better topics exactly this is what I want to say this is the perfect point to use the better topics game because many people you know were in the situation that you describe might not be open to talk at all or might not even know how to talk about their feelings what they're going through and all of this we're not all taught how to talk about our feelings I know I wasn't and in my relationship for me it was more difficult to open up and talk about my feelings than for my husband which is strange because most times women are ready to open up and men not so much so I completely understand the situation like this and this is what where a game like better topics would come in and help you perfectly because it's not a thing of going to a therapist and laying down on a couch and talking about your feelings not everyone is up to doing that not everyone wants to do that but you still have to have those conversations this is one important thing that if you don't have those conversations there in it there isn't anything in this world that you can do on your own without your partner participating in it and to make the relationship work because the relationship is between two people at least at least you know depending what type of relationships but at least two people so you do need their collaboration to a certain extent so how do you get them on board is by starting to talk and if they're not willing to talk openly and straight away like look we have an issue let's solve this let's brainstorm some ideas what can we do about it if they're not that type of people who just jump in in the conversation like this then the better topics game is ideal because first of all it's a game so the setting in which you do it it's so much more relaxed there is no pressure you're not expecting them to say anything amazing you know you're not expecting them to just burst out and confess all their feelings straight away it's a game setting it's much more relaxed and the way we created the the questions they are not judgemental in any way you know none of them ask you why did you do that why did you do this how you know it's the way we formulated the questions it's quite different it is still talking about some situations some that might be difficult some that might be easier of course but not in any blameful way you know because at the end of the day we all took certain decisions at certain moments in our life and maybe we regretted them later but hey we learned so you still have to have that conversation going you still have to start at some point and the question and the great thing with the better topics game is that we have so many questions in it that if you find some questions that are a bit more difficult for your partner to answer straight away you can take those out and play the game with the other questions that are lighter just to get your partner into the habit of playing of discussing of starting to open up and as your partner gets used to it you can really slowly introduce the more difficult questions and have those difficult conversations as well you know like ease them into it basically because there are so many questions you can still play the game and the game still works very well even if you take out a few questions you know is it possible to for for someone to even just use some of the prompts in conversation to help them open communication with their partner even if they're even if their partner wasn't maybe isn't aware that they're actively playing a game at that moment yeah yeah yes you actually can totally can for example one of the most emotional messages I got from one of our players which to this day just makes me so thankful and grateful that I've actually started on this journey was from a guy from Japan all over you know it was crazy for me you know to because we started the game we launched in 2020 and then a few months in we got this email from someone in Japan which to me was mind-blowing that you know he got the game because he saw you know our advertising on it and he loved the idea and he loved the questions even because he thought they're repeatable and he got the game he wanted to play it with his wife but his wife was not interested in playing any games you know she just didn't understand the idea she wasn't up for it what he did was he started memorising some of our questions and he started asking her during dinner and he said you know the first round went very well you know they started talking in a way that they haven't before and he wanted to do it some more you know like remember some more questions and then ask her some more questions and like that and I thought that's amazing you know because when I created the game I never thought of that but then there you go it actually is the possibility to use it that way I could see how that could work for for many people I mean thinking like some of my clients and that they wanted to rebuild that connection rebuild the trust and yeah and then again on this on either side it doesn't matter um it's really a case of if you're if you're the one trying to really want to try and rebuild the relationship or yes reignite that connection then you have that power to to start and then if the relationship improves over a period of time and then your partner then starts to become more open more understanding it's like oh actually what's going on here and it's like well it actually it's because I was kind of doing this game so do you want to join in you know and then and then and then take it to the next level and yeah and then if they join in they also get the benefit of the rewards you know and yes so we get to do things together so that would be amazing yes but yeah that's that's a really good point how they can use it um the thing is to start talking to each other either if you actually play the game or either if you just memorise the questions and you start asking them again because so many people are told you should just talk to each other you should work on your communication and many don't even know where to start you know many of them just go to a session let's say a therapy session or a coaching session they're like okay your communication is you know not so good might what you know you might want to work on that and they just look at each other like okay how we are talking to each other every day you know many of them to me they said but we're talking all day you know and especially for example they either work at home both of them and they talk to each other or even if they work outside of the house they still text each other during the day and they see each other every day every evening and they talk to each other and like okay but are you talking about the relationship what are you talking about you know talking about the kids all the time finances house chores everything else that doesn't really count for a relationship you know the relationship is something else and they're like okay where do we start and then you know i help them with a few of these questions as well and the questions are because i don't want people to get scared that you know oh my god what are these questions they're not so um i don't know i mean do you have any examples yes actually have one of my favourite ones is when did you need me most last week and i wasn't there you know this is a bit of a deeper uh question as well we have some lighter ones as well but this is quite important to ask and the sister of this question is when did you need me to give you more space last week and i wasn't i didn't give you more space you know if you just use these two questions to start off will already help you so much because it gives you an insight into what your partner is going through in more detail you can understand what are the situations when they need more support and when they just want to be left alone you know and the more you ask this question and you see a repeatable pattern when that situation or a similar situation comes up again you can already understand and recognise oh my god this is a situation where my partner would normally need me i will be there for them you know or this is a situation when my partner just wants their own space i will back off and let them have their space until they get better you know so it really depends but and what i'm trying to say is that so many people you know when when they are in a dating phase they get to ask so many questions they get to talk and share about each other and then they think okay that's it we've asked all the questions in the beginning 20 years and we don't have to ask any more questions because you know we asked the question 20 years ago yeah you know but the problem is that we all change we change even from month to month basis never mind in 20 years so all of the things and all of the answers they gave you 20 years ago they might change maybe not all of them but most of them definitely will you know because you mature you learn things you go through things you know and all of that so that's why this question is so important and that's why i always urge people when they get the game to actually play it at least once a week you know because again in a week there's enough time that we spend on so many other things and we have so many things going through that are going through our lives and you know all of the things that happen at work at home and whatever that we anyway have enough answers to play this game every week because again the the questions are the same but they're repeatable in a way that the answers will definitely change every week perfect well i can't believe how quickly the time has gone and i feel like i could keep talking about this for for hours and it's really really interesting so how do people get the game where do they go what do they do i mean obviously i can put all the notes in the in the in the show notes as well but if you could just let us know as well that'd be sure so for those who want to get the game they can get it on amazon if they want in the uk us and australia and they can also get it from our website which is better topics.com if they want to contact me you know they can contact me through the website or either emailing me at diana at better topics.com i always read my own email so even if they want to share something personal it's fine it's for my eyes only and we also have an app better topics which you can find in the app store or google play we are working on the app right now so if any of your listeners might have some issues with it it is because we're trying to fix it we know there are some issues now but we're trying to fix it so that so that everything on amazon is a physical game yes yes got you but there's also going to be like an app version of the game as well yes yes exactly exactly and also just one thing i would like to touch on is that we have the base game so we have the main questions there which are a bit of everything and the rewards as well are included in the base game and alongside we have five different extensions so for people who want questions that help their relationships but also um have like a specific topic to the questions we have for like parenting intimacy past stories if you want to explore that you know uh which one and um i think that's it okay amazing brilliant well thank you ever so much diana it's been wonderful to have you on thank you so much for having me diana is such a great example of someone who has seen a problem recognised the issues both in her own relationship and also seen that in others and then taken that idea and turned it into something that can help as many people as possible and that's where this the idea of the better topics came as come from which is just a fantastic fantastic idea i recorded the interview with diana um two or three weeks ago and before the episode has aired and since then i've bought myself a copy of the better topics game and myself my partner have tried it out and it generated some really interesting conversation some things went in directions that we haven't expected and compared to the usual just sit in front of a netflix show watching you know another back-to-back series with a pizza and a few drinks it made a really interesting change to to our friday evening so i can certainly from my experience it was a very useful and entertaining game and we'll be we'll be using it again for sure if you have been enjoying the podcast and you are not already on my email subscriber list then let's get yourself over there come and join and i promise not to spam you with unnecessary rubbish you'll get an email a week talking about the topic similar to that we talk about on the podcast but going into some more detail you'll be the first to learn about any special offers or going events or webinars or anything like that i'm running it's the best place to keep informed with anything ongoing with my website and and the business as a whole so simply visit lifecoachluke.com forward slash subscribe and get yourself on that list today i will speak to you all next week.