31. The Role of Self-Awareness after Infidelity

After betrayal, it can feel like your world has been turned upside down. Confusion, pain and mistrust often dominate, but beneath it all lies an opportunity to rediscover you. Self-awareness after infidelity isn’t just a buzzword. It is the foundation for healing, clarity, and rebuilding trust with yourself and others.

In this episode, I explore how self-awareness helps you understand your patterns, process emotions, and create healthier relationships. You’ll learn practical tools for recognising your behaviours, managing your reactions, and moving forward with purpose after infidelity.

Key Takeaways:

• Why self-awareness is the starting point for betrayal recovery

• How noticing judgments of others can reveal hidden truths about yourself

• Simple ways to seek feedback and turn it into personal growth

• Journalling, reflection and mindfulness as powerful healing practices

• How to break recurring patterns and build relationship clarity

💬 Reflection question:

How has self-awareness, or lack of it, shaped your healing after betrayal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to episode number 31 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. I don't believe for one minute that I'm the only person discussing the idea of taking responsibility for yourself, taking responsibility for your actions, your behaviours and your feelings and ultimately your experience within life. On the surface this might seem basic and straightforward yet when it comes to actually taking responsibility for you, how do you even begin? Where do you actually start? Well I'd like to offer that much of this begins when you really start to look inwards.

You start to increase your self-awareness. You increase that ability to recognise and understand your own thoughts, your own feelings and your own behaviours. So in today's episode I would like to discuss some of the things that I've used to help me increase my own self-awareness.

I'd like to start by considering how we view other people. What judgments do we make about our friends, families and our colleagues? Are there judgments that you make about those people? How aware are you of their actions and their behaviours? If you can begin to notice that you're paying attention to others and perceiving what you think that they're thinking, why they're thinking those things based on how they're presenting themselves, then that does show that you have the basic tools to be able to self-reflect and apply those same skills to become more self-aware. Some of the ways that you can use other people to help you improve your own self-awareness is simply by paying attention to how they respond to you, particularly in different situations.

Pay close attention to their body language, their tone of voice, their facial expressions and with repetition you begin to recognise patterns. You notice the things that you say and do that cause them to react and respond in a particular way. Well what can you gain from that? What can you learn about how you are coming across? This way of viewing your interactions can really help you become much more aware of your own unique traits.

Have you ever considered seeking direct feedback from these people? From a trusted friend, partner or family member, perhaps even a work colleague? Simply asking them for feedback on your behaviour or communication style for example. Now I appreciate this might not always be comfortable or appropriate so it needs to be dealt with thoughtfully and in context. Be clear about your intentions.

Start by explaining why you want to know their opinion. For example you could say something like, I'm trying to improve my self-awareness and I would really appreciate your honest feedback on how you perceive me. Make sure you choose someone who you trust and who you feel comfortable talking to.

It's also important that that person has enough exposure to you or has had enough exposure to you and your behaviour to give you a fair and accurate assessment. Be specific. Rather than asking a general question like, what do you think of me? Ask more specific questions about your behaviour or communication style.

For example you could ask, how do you think I come across in a group setting? Or, do you think I tend to interrupt people when they're talking? It's important to remember that not all feedback will be positive though so be open to constructive criticism and try to take that in your stride. If something you hear shocks you then it can be helpful to ask follow-up questions to better understand their perspective. Use the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with that person.

After the conversation thank them for their honest feedback and let them know that you appreciate their input. This will show that you value their opinion and their friendship and are committed to improving yourself as well. Pay close attention to the strengths and weaknesses of other people.

When you observe others and you see their strengths and you see their weaknesses this is a reflection of how you view the world. Because what you see as a strength and what you you see as a weakness will play a part in how you are judging yourself in this same situation. Are you aware of your own biases? Are you aware of your own judgments and your own criticisms? And what are they really founded on? Why is it that you see one trait in another person as a weakness and another as a strength? What is it that makes that true for you? Because there is a good possibility that that isn't the case for everybody.

Some people believe that displaying their emotions and being in touch with their emotions is a weakness because it makes them vulnerable and therefore other people can see what they're thinking and feeling and could potentially manipulate them or take advantage of them. However other people might believe that somebody who is in touch with their emotions and is able to understand them, appreciate them and allow them to be there are using their emotions to drive very intentional actions in their lives. They're achieving very specific goals because they are using their emotions to their advantage.

In this case it seems irrational to consider that as a weakness as it could clearly be considered a strength. Pay attention to what judgments you are making and why you are making them. Identify patterns in your relationships.

Pay attention to these patterns because identifying these reoccurring behaviours are reflective of how you interact with others. This is something I see a lot between partners. The communication styles and the communication patterns can actually hinder relationship growth and longevity.

This can really be noticed as a person goes from one relationship to another. If the same patterns are showing up in consecutive or multiple relationships, whether this just be platonic friendships or romantic relationships, then it's likely that you are playing a significant role in creating that situation or experience. The same pattern is unlikely to continually show its face if you're mixing it with different people.

But if you're the common denominator then there's a good chance that something around your behaviour is creating that environment. Really take time to reflect on your own interactions with people. Take time to reflect on both the positive and the negative and ask yourself how could you have handled the situations differently? Or maybe what could you have done better? Helping you become much more self-aware and develop those better interpersonal skills.

One of the things that helped me most during my most difficult days, including the discovery of infidelity, my divorce and then later my experience in hospital that had me much closer to death than I had hoped, was keeping a journal or at least writing down my thoughts and feelings in some way. I use a method of the thought download which I've mentioned before, the concept where you spend 5 to 15 minutes per day, pen and paper, computer, note app on your phone, whatever it is that's most suitable for you and literally write down the sentences in your mind. You extract them from your brain and you put them on paper so that you can look back at them and you can see them objectively without being inside your mind.

It helps you gain insight into your own inner world and you can use a journal or a thought download to track patterns of your thoughts and behaviours and emotions and then this actually acts as a foundation for much of the work that I do with my clients. You could also take personality assessments to learn more about you as a person. There are some pretty big ones out there such as Myers-Briggs or the big five personality traits and these can be fascinating for understanding some of your common personality traits and your common preferences and tendencies of how you show up in the world.

This isn't a definitive description of who you are as a person but it can help you better understand some of your characteristics and how you interact with people and maybe just highlight things that you just haven't noticed yourself. You can also practise self-reflection. I mean actively taking the time to reflect on your thoughts.

Ask yourself questions such as what am I feeling right now and when was the last time you actually asked yourself that? Normally you experience the feeling and do what you can to get away from it but how about you just ask yourself what am I feeling right now and describe it and then maybe you could look at what you do after the feeling. Why am I reacting this way? Why have I behaved this particular way? And you may want to say it's because of the event that just happened, the thing that your partner just said or the news bulletin about the latest scandal that you've just seen on the TV. But what is the real reason that you're reacting this way? Answering these questions can help you become more aware of your internal experiences and gain a better insight into your own patterns of behaviour.

You could also seek professional help, a therapist or a coach like myself to explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe and supportive environment. I often describe the work I do with my clients as both of us being sat on a sofa looking at the wall, projecting those images of thoughts onto the wall and as we both sit there and observe them. The difference being that the client is tied up in their own emotions and they don't see the image in the same way that someone removed from that situation can see it.

Remember self-awareness is a journey and it takes time and effort to develop. This can come by being patient with yourself and remembering to celebrate your progress along the way. There's one final thing which I'd like to finish with and that is a grounding exercise to help you practise mindfulness.

Mindfulness involves paying attention to your thoughts, your feelings, your physical sensations that are present right now in the moment without judgement. It helps you become more aware of your internal experiences and can help you identify the patterns within your thoughts. In a few moments I will take you through a guided grounding exercise focussing on increasing your self-awareness.

Please be sure that you're in a safe environment. This is not to be used whilst driving. It's less than 10 minutes in duration and will begin after this outro music ends.

In the meantime have an amazing week and we'll talk soon. Let's begin by finding a comfortable seated position with your back straight and your feet firmly planted on the ground. If it feels comfortable you can close your eyes now.

Bring your attention to your breath. Notice the flow of air in and out of your body, the rise and fall of your chest and the sensation of the breath moving through your nostrils. Perhaps you can feel it at the back of your throat.

Now visualise it travelling down your trachea and filling your lungs. Your chest rises, your ribs expand and your heart begins to face the sky. Once at the top of your breath notice the moment it changes from inhale to exhale.

Remember what it was like to be a child bouncing on a trampoline. That point when the upwards force from the bounce is overcome by the downward force of gravity and you begin to fall back down. Allow your experience of your own breath to feel the same.

You don't need to change anything about your breath, just observe it. On the next inhale actively push your belly button out and away from your spine. Let your diaphragm expand into the space that has been created in your abdomen.

Fill your torso completely with air and now release. Breathe out through either your mouth or nose. As you continue to breathe imagine roots growing down from the base of your spine and into the earth.

Visualise these roots reaching deep into the ground, connecting you to the earth's energy. Now I want you to imagine for a moment what it would be like if your feet became fixed to the floor. You can no longer move them, they are rooted and even though there is a part of your mind that knows that you could move them if you wanted to, the more you ground the idea of being rooted to the floor, the more you realise you cannot.

As you inhale imagine this energy flowing up through your roots and into your body. Let it fill you up from your toes to the top of your head. As you exhale release any tension or stress that may be holding within your body.

Take a few more deep breaths allowing the earth's energy to fill you up with each inhale and releasing any tension or stress with each exhale. Bring your attention to the sensations in your body. Notice how you feel from the connection of your feet to the ground, the weight of your body in the chair, to any other sensations that you may be feeling.

Take another deep breath in and exhale slowly. As you continue to breathe allow your awareness to expand to your surroundings. Notice the sounds in the room, the temperature of the air on your face and any other tight sensations that you experience or can feel in your body.

Allow them to melt away. As you become more aware of your surroundings allow any thoughts or distractions to simply pass through your mind like clouds in the sky. Imagine yourself as a mountain, strong and unshakeable with thoughts passing by.

Bring your attention back to your feet. Feel the connection to the earth and the sense of stability it provides. Allow yourself to feel grounded and secure in this moment.

Take one more deep breath in and as you exhale slowly open your eyes. Take a moment to notice how you feel and remember this sense of grounding and stability as you move through your day.