30. The Tech Trap - How Infidelity is being facilitated by Technology

If you've been betrayed, you may have found yourself endlessly scrolling, wondering how it all happened. Technology has changed the rules, offering instant access, anonymity, and temptation at your fingertips. Whether it’s secret texting, emotional affairs through gaming, or dating apps disguised as harmless tools, modern infidelity is a whole new world.

In this episode, I uncover how tech is influencing relationships and making betrayal more accessible than ever. From virtual affairs to porn addiction, you’ll learn how to identify red flags, set digital boundaries, and start reclaiming trust, one intentional choice at a time.

Key Takeaways:

• The surprising ways social media, texting, and dating apps enable emotional and physical affairs

• How emerging technologies like VR, AI, and biometric tracking are reshaping what infidelity looks like

• The impact of online porn, fantasy bonds, and emotional detachment on real-world connections

• The blurred line between innocent contact and emotional betrayal

• Practical ways to protect your relationship with healthy boundaries and open communication

💬 Reflection question:

Have you ever questioned if a digital interaction crossed the line?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 30 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Before we get into today's episode properly I want to say thank you to all of you.

We're at episode number 30 and it's amazing to have got this far and when I set out to do this podcast I didn't really know exactly where it was going to go. I had an idea of what I wanted to achieve and of course it's ever evolving and changing and it will continue to do so but it has surpassed my expectations on so many levels and it's great to hear from so many people who have found it useful during such a difficult time in their life. This is not an easy thing for anybody to go through.

Any kind of betrayal on any level is challenging and when we talk about infidelity and the effects that it has on our relationships it's an incredibly complex and unpleasant experience and anything that I have been able to offer to hopefully alleviate a little bit of that for you or giving you some tips and techniques and methods to help improve your position within the relationship then well yeah I'm grateful to have even had the opportunity. Infidelity has been part of human relationships for as long as we can remember but with the advent of technology the landscape of infidelity has changed drastically. Technology has made it easier than ever to connect with people outside of our relationships and it has created a new wave of challenges for couples.

From social media to dating apps and texting, technology has given people new avenues to pursue infidelity. In this podcast episode we'll explore the role of technology in infidelity and how it is impacting modern relationships. We'll dive into the various ways technology is being used for infidelity and how it is affecting couples.

Join me as we explore the complex and ever evolving world of infidelity and technology. Technology has had a profound impact on the way that we interact with one another and it has made it easier than ever for people to cheat on their partners. With the rise of social media dating apps and texting people can now connect with others in a matter of seconds.

This ease of connection has made it easier for people to pursue extramarital affairs or emotional connections with people outside of their relationships. Additionally the anonymity provided by technology can make it easier for people to hide their infidelity from their partners. The prevalence of smartphones and other mobile devices also means that people can communicate with their lovers anytime, anywhere without fear of getting caught.

All of these factors have contributed to a rise in infidelity making it a major challenge for modern relationships. I'll also look at how people are using these tools to connect with others outside of their relationships and the impact this is having on couples. I'll examine some of the statistics around infidelity and technology and discuss some of the common reasons why people choose to cheat.

Finally I'll provide some tips and insights on how you can protect yourself against the risks of technology facilitated infidelity. Now I recognise that many people listening to this podcast have probably already experienced infidelity in some form during their life. That's probably why you're here.

However learning this information, learning how our partners and how people communicate and utilise technology and social media to facilitate cheating and better prepare you for your current and future relationships. So let's begin. Social media has created new opportunities for connection but also allows people to hide their infidelity.

For example social media platforms allow people to easily reconnect with old flames, old school friends, ex-partners, previous crushes and this can create a sense of nostalgia and can offer opportunity to rekindle old feelings which can lead sometimes to emotional or even physical affairs. Many social media platforms have private messaging features that allow users to send direct messages to each other. This can make it easier for people to have private conversations without their partners knowing.

It's also been made easier for people to share inappropriate content such as sexual photos and videos of each other. It also provides a platform for users to engage in online flirting. Simply being able to send these flirtatious messages to people outside of the relationship, actually to people that you don't even know, that are just mutual friends or connections from afar, again can lead to this first step of the ladder towards betrayal.

Several studies have indicated that social media has contributed significantly to an increase in infidelity. Some of the statistics that shed light on the relationships between social media and infidelity include a survey that was conducted by Divorce Online. This is a UK based legal services firm.

It was found that 33% of divorce filings in this given year contained the word Facebook, suggesting that social media platform played a role in the dissolution of those marriages. Another study published in the Journal of Family Issues found that people who reported using social media more frequently were more likely to experience infidelity in their relationships. Another study conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 81% of its members had used evidence from social media in the divorce proceedings.

And then for those who aren't familiar, the online dating platform Ashley Madison, which is designed specifically for people seeking extramarital affairs, found that 62% of its users said that social media has made it easier to cheat. Overall social media has made it easier for people to connect with others outside of their relationship and has created new opportunities for infidelity to occur. It's important for couples to establish clear boundaries and guidelines around social media use in order to protect their relationship from these risks.

These statistics suggest that social media has become a significant factor in infidelity and that it has contributed to a notable increase in the number of marriages that end in divorce. Now moving on to dating apps specifically and their relationship with infidelity. Dating apps have been made easier, again just like the social media platforms, for people to connect with others outside of their relationships and they've created again more opportunity for infidelity to happen.

Here are just some of the ways that dating apps have facilitated it. Many dating apps now allow users to create anonymous profiles which can make it easier for people to hide who they are and to be able to hide their infidelity from their partners. New dating apps use geolocation features such as Tinder and this can make it easier for people to find potential partners in their immediate vicinity.

This can create opportunities for people to have affairs with people not only in their local area but even if they're travelling and just a case of marking the pin in their location and finding people very easily. Dating apps have provided a platform for people just ultimately to connect easily with others who are also looking for similar things, the casual or no-strings-attached style relationships. It can make it far easier for these people to find willing partners for affairs.

It's worth noting that most dating apps are designed for single people looking for relationships and not specifically for people seeking to engage in affairs. However there are a few dating apps that have gained a reputation for being popular among people looking for extramarital affairs. Sites like I've already mentioned such as Ashley Madison are specifically designed for people who are seeking extramarital affairs.

Users can create anonymous profiles and search for other users based on their location and preferences. Tinder, while primarily used for dating, has also been known to be used for hookups and casual encounters. It's geolocation features and just general casual approach to dating make it a popular app for people seeking no-strings-attached type relationships.

Bumble is another popular dating app that has been known to be used for infidelity. It's user-friendly interface and ability to easily connect with other users make it a popular choice for people looking for casual relationships. Bumble also offers an extra layer of protection for women because they get to message first and when anonymity is important and privacy and just trying to keep things secretive and just not having a bombardment of messages from guys seeking to reach out, connect and whatever it is they're looking for, having that extra layer can be an appealing choice for women.

It's obviously worth noting that using dating apps for infidelity is really not a healthy or ethical way to approach your relationships and it can clearly cause significant harm to those who are involved. But before dating apps came along, what were we doing? Well I suppose immediately before we were texting and texting is yet another way that technology has made it easier for people to engage in infidelity. Texting provides a way for people to communicate discreetly and privately with others and this can make it easier for people to hide their infidelity from their partners.

Texting is quick and it can be done from anywhere at any time. This can allow a relatively safe way of providing a facility for people to build emotional connections with others outside of their relationship. When you think about the things that we can say face-to-face with people, many people aren't comfortable exploring their emotions and their deeper desires and fantasies in person as they are maybe when they feel slightly disconnected through looking at a screen and this can be both in text form or in any of the messaging apps that we've already discussed.

This can lead to sexting, which is the act of sending sexually explicit messages or images via text message. This in itself can be a form of infidelity even if no physical contact occurs. While it's important to note that not all texting leads to infidelity, there are many cases where texting has played a role in relationships that have experienced it.

Texting can be used to build that emotional connection with others like I've just mentioned, even if physical contact never occurs. Someone may begin texting a co-worker or a friend and over time develop romantic feelings for them. This can lead to an emotional affair, which in some cases can lead to a physical affair, but even if it doesn't can be just as damaging.

Again sexting, this form of infidelity that involves sending very visual, graphic, explicit messages or images over your preferred messaging platform, whether it be a straightforward text message or a social media platform. This can be especially damaging to a relationship as it involves a breach of trust and can cause significant emotional pain. Then the secret texting, so in some cases a partner may engage in secret texting with somebody outside of the relationship.

So the reason I separate this slightly is it is not unusual for one partner to be texting a known work colleague or a known friend of the family or some other connection that is known to the partner. So therefore the majority of the text messaging maybe isn't hidden, but the communication is probably not being monitored or checked and of course things can just escalate. Whereas secret texting really is a communication that is hidden completely from the partner and literally has absolutely no knowledge that you are even in communication or that your partner is in communication with the affair partner in this case.

And this can sometimes involve very specific messaging apps that are hidden from view or simply by deleting the text messages after they've been sent. In fact I heard recently there's an app, I think it's something like, I've not actually looked it up, but I think it's called the Calculator app or something like that, where it literally is it appears as a Calculator app logo on your screen but it's actually a hidden folder where you can then store things like your dating apps or other private messaging services which requires a passcode to get in. But to the observer just looks like the Calculator app.

Flirty texting, of course you know like I've already mentioned, you can you can explore things over text messages and of course with the added use of emojis to be able to create a different kind of connection and explore and push boundaries in a way that's sometimes much harder to do in person. It allows relationships, particularly emotional relationships, to accelerate at a far quicker rate and also ungoverned in some way which is why it can actually be so dangerous yet feel and seem so innocent to begin with. It's clear that technology has had a significant impact on the way that people engage in affairs but believe it or not there are even more surprising ways that technology has impacted infidelity that I have yet to discuss.

So as I continue on this journey of the impact that technology has on infidelity I'll be focussing on some of the lesser known ways that technology has contributed to the rise of infidelity. I'll be exploring topics such as virtual infidelity, artificial intelligence and internet-controlled sex toys and discussing ways that these new technologies are changing the landscape of infidelity and affairs in ways that we probably never could have imagined. Before I get into that are you feeling stuck, hurt and betrayed? Do you find yourself struggling to move forward from a difficult situation? It's time to take control of your life and make progress towards a better future.

The truth is those who make the most progress and avoid further damage in their relationships are those who take action. They take responsibility for their own actions and seek help and support and that's where I come in. I work with people just like you who are ready to take the reins of their life and make their future so much better than previously imagined.

Together we'll rediscover your true potential and help you transform into the best version of yourself. You don't have to be paralysed by betrayal. You can move past it and emerge stronger than ever before.

Let me help you go from being paralysed by betrayal to better than before the affair. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it. If you're ready to take the first step towards a better future book a call with me.

Let's figure this out together and create a plan to help you move forward and thrive. The power is in your hands and I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Don't wait let's get started today.

Okay let's carry on with the rest of the show. Online gaming. Online gaming is a popular form of entertainment and a way for people to connect with others who share similar interests.

However it can also be the perfect platform for infidelity. Here are some of the ways that online gaming can be used. So in some cases people can form deep emotional connections with others while playing online games much in the same way that we saw in the social media and dating app type environments.

But these connections can sometimes develop into virtual affairs where individuals engage in romantic or sexual role playing within the game itself. Some individuals use online gaming as a way to meet potential partners. Just like with dating apps they use the messaging facility and build up relationships over time often spending hours and hours and hours in the headphones locked in a dark room through the early hours of the morning communicating with like-minded people and connections are naturally formed.

And then all it takes is that one step to take it from out of the virtual world and into the real world providing geography allows. As we saw with secret texting some people may create secret gaming accounts to hide their activity from their partner. This can be a sign that they are in fact engaging in infidelity or at very least considering it.

Of course while not everybody who plays online games engages in an affair that's not necessarily the motivation for many many people and it's important to be aware of the potential risks and to have open and honest communication with your partner about gaming habits. While it's difficult to obtain precise statistics on how exactly online gaming has contributed to infidelity there are several documented cases of virtual affairs and other forms of affairs that have occurred within the online gaming communities. Second Life is a popular online game where players can create virtual avatars and interact with others in a simulated world.

In 2008 it was reported that several players had formed romantic relationships with each other through the game leading to virtual marriages and even virtual divorces. World of Warcraft is a massively popular multiplayer online role-playing game where players can join guilds and engage in quests and battles together. Back in 2010 a player posted a video on YouTube confessing that he had engaged in virtual affairs with multiple female players leading to the breakdown of his real-life marriage.

In 2014 a woman in Japan divorced her husband after he spent all of his time playing Final Fantasy 14 and ignored her and their child. She claimed that he had engaged in virtual affairs with other players leading to the breakdown of their marriage. Well of course these cases are not representative of all online gaming communities they do demonstrate the potential for online gaming to lead to extramarital affairs.

Another area that has been affected by technology is pornography. I remember when I was young, I don't know what it's like in the States but certainly here in the UK we would have newsagents, local paper shops where you could go in and on the top shelves would be the dirty magazines. They'd be sort of hidden out of reach from the younger kids and you know and I recall some of my older friends maybe acquiring some of these, maybe I've seen one or two throughout my life, who knows, my lips are sealed.

However the access to pornography has become much much easier since the introduction of the internet and particularly with the speeds of internet increasing the ability to stream video very very accessibly on all of our devices has led to many problems within relationships and marriages. While pornography itself is not necessarily a form of infidelity, many do consider it a form of betrayal. Some individuals become addicted to porn, spending excessive amounts of time watching it and neglecting their real-life relationships as a result.

This can lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction with their partner, potentially leading to infidelity to try and seek that thrill that they're getting from their online fantasy world. Which leads us on to fantasy specifically and pornography often portrays both unrealistic and highly exaggerated sexual scenarios which can lead to some individuals to develop unrealistic expectations of their partner or become dissatisfied with their real-life sex life, which of course can then again lead to seek that and fulfil those fantasies elsewhere. In some cases people may stumble upon online pornography while browsing the internet, leading them down a path towards infidelity.

They may be exposed to websites or communities that promote or facilitate affairs, leading them to consider or engage infidelity. Now of course as with any part of infidelity the choice is still the choice that is made, but when circumstances are aligned in such a way that makes each step easier, if we think back to that motivational triad, seek pleasure, well that's the shining light at the top particularly if things aren't great or aren't perfect within the relationship sometimes that additional thing that's just there on the edge could be all it takes to just start you down that slippery slope towards betraying your partner. Porn has become an increasing problem particularly with young men and porn addiction and infidelity are complex issues that require individualised and specialist treatment.

However it's important for those to be aware of the potential risks and to have open and honest communication with their partners if they have or find themselves having a porn problem, let's say like an over need to to fulfil their needs through porn, sometimes just having these conversations as awkward and uncomfortable as they might be, might be the step to help you move forward in your relationship. If you're not in a position where you feel comfortable talking to your partner about this at this stage then seek out professional help, talk to a therapist, talk to somebody who specialises in this area specifically and I know there are plenty out there that would really help you through this problem of porn addiction. It's important to note that excessive pornography does not always lead to infidelity but it can definitely contribute to relationship problems that may lead that way.

Excessive porn can lead to individuals to prioritise their own sexual needs over the needs of their partner. This in turn can result in a neglect of the partner's needs and desires leading to feelings of dissatisfaction and disconnection within the relationship. It's very easy to forget that pornography is not real life, although our brains can sometimes process it as though it is and then that filter of reality gets removed and the whole real life and the online pornographic videos and content become blurred and blended and this can be really dangerous because of the human ability to form addiction and once these addictions have started they can be, it takes some very serious and intentional work to be able to work through but they can be worked through.

Okay moving on to the future because technology almost by definition is constantly evolving. We've seen massive changes in the last 20-30 years particularly with the advent of the Internet and then of course the advent of smartphones and now with the future of artificial intelligence. It's a evolving at a rate that it's difficult to keep up with and it's likely that it will continue to impact infidelity in the future.

Some of the ways that it may show up are virtual reality. As virtual reality technology advances it may become possible to have very realistic virtual sexual experiences that could rival or even surpass real-life sexual experiences. This could lead to a rise in infidelity as individuals seek to fulfil their sexual desires in a virtual world.

This is something that's completely new for most humans and whether we define this definitively as infidelity is going to be something that's subjective to the individual couple. Artificial intelligence, this is advancing at a rate beyond most of our comprehension at the moment and particularly even just with this year with the introduction of chat GPT-3 and then chat GPT-4 and all of these other competing technologies that are coming along. We're at the beginning of a potentially unknown curve of advancement and it may become very possible for people to create virtual partners or bots that can cater for their every desire and this could lead to a significant rise in affairs or online affairs as people develop emotional connections with technology, with these virtual partners.

Another element is surveillance. So again as technology advances it may become easier for people to monitor their partner's online activity. In fact this is already a fairly significant thing.

There's lots of tracking devices available and different apps that can do things to find out where people are, what they're doing and to record data and you know this kind of stuff has been around for years but it is becoming more and more accessible. Now we could argue that increased surveillance could potentially lead to a decrease in infidelity because it means that people can't get away with things as easily as they perhaps were able to in the most recent decade or two. However increasing surveillance could also and almost certainly will lead to a significant rise in paranoia for the person who is doing the surveillance, making it very difficult to let go of scenarios, always having that bit of evidence and comparing that bit of evidence to real world scenarios.

That's something that I would definitely like to do a podcast episode on specifically and ultimately just creating further mistrust within relationships which of course isn't healthy and it's not what most of us want from a relationship. Then there's the advent of new social platforms. Things change all the time and as new social platforms are developed it's likely that they will have their own unique impact on relationships, infidelity and affairs.

For example a new social platform that emphasises anonymity may lead to an increase in betrayal. So what else is out there at the minute? There's still some emerging technologies that are really growing even in addition to AI that will have a likely impact. Deep fakes.

Deep fakes are videos or images that have been altered using artificial intelligence to make them look realistic. I've seen some recently and they're almost completely impossible to distinguish from real life. They look so realistic and in the context of infidelity deep fakes could be used to create fake images or videos of someone's partner in compromising situations potentially leading to jealousy, mistrust and of course infidelity itself.

Augmented reality technology superimposes digital content onto the real world creating a very immersive experience. If you've ever tried one of the virtual reality headsets some of them are incredibly realistic and your whole body senses that you're in that world. There's a video I saw of the world snooker champion Ronnie O'Sullivan and he was wearing one of these headsets and he was playing an online game or a virtual game sorry virtual reality game of snooker and he went to get into the position to play the shot and of course it was so realistic he went to sort of like put his hand on the table which wasn't there of course and falls flat on his face.

You know so these things really immerse you in a way that feels like it's real life and augmented reality could be used to create virtual environments that simulate those real life sexual experiences with someone other than your partner. Advancements in biometric sensors, wearable devices, most of us have got them now. I have a smartwatch which tracks my activities for when I'm running, my fitness, my heart rate, my sleep and a variety of other things and of course the technology is advancing all the time.

Using skin conductance and other physiological indicators and again in the context of infidelity biometric sensors could be used to track a person's physiological response to various stimuli potentially revealing attraction to someone other than their partner. In the same way that we can maybe currently geolocate another person how long is it before we're able to look at our partner's physiological data. In fact that probably is already available but whether that's something that you feel comfortable with that's something that's going to have to be discussed.

Then there's the underworld of smart sex toys. USB controlled devices and Bluetooth devices that are connected to the internet that can be controlled completely remotely. Again in the context of an affair these smart sex toys could be used to facilitate long-distance affairs and to simulate very realistic sexual experiences through the use of electronic devices that can feel very real and make you believe you are connected to your partner from a distance even though you aren't in the same physical location.

There may have been plenty of things that you have heard today that you will already be familiar with and maybe you've even experienced some of them and no doubt there will be the odd thing that maybe surprised you a little and you haven't heard of and has got you thinking about our relationships going forward in the future. So before I go I really want to share some some tips and insights on how you and your partner and just couples in general can really begin to put things in place to protect themselves against the risks of technology and specifically technology facilitated infidelity. You've heard me talk about boundaries before and I highly recommend you listen to the boundaries episode to understand it in more detail but it's really crucial for couples to establish clear boundaries and expectations around technology use in their relationship.

This can include things like setting limits on social media use, agreeing to be completely transparent about their online activities and discussing really what constitutes inappropriate communication with others. Just getting those things clear. Many of us go through our lives assuming that the other person agrees or thinks the same way that we do and of course they often don't.

So then they go unsaid and this is fine until some boundary has crossed and then all of a sudden you're left in this state of like oh my god I can't believe what my partner has just done. How dare he message that girl he used to know from school etc or whatever the the boundary is for you. Couples can also protect themselves by using technology mindfully themselves and just being aware of how it can impact the relationship and this can include things like avoiding excessive social media use.

I think many of us are guilty of falling victim to the the death scroll where you just can't seem to stop scrolling. Of course limiting the use of dating apps specifically if you're in a monogamous or long-term committed relationship and just being conscious of the potential risks of online communication with other people. Sometimes what might start out and seem quite innocent can get out of hand and I'm not saying you shouldn't have communication relationships and friendships with other people but just being mindful of what your boundaries are in terms of how you communicate with other people that can really help you to protect yourself and to protect your relationship and hopefully never be faced with a situation where you're having to admit to your partner that you're having an affair.

Really prioritise that open communication because that open communication is essential for any healthy relationship technology aside but it's particularly important in the context of technology facilitated infidelity. People should really prioritise open and honest communication about their feelings, about what they're thinking, their concerns and the boundaries around this technology use. As always you can seek professional help if needed.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with issues relating to technology facilitated infidelity or any element of infidelity then it's very important that you know that help is available. There is plenty of information available online, you can seek out a coach just like myself or a therapist or counsellor, you can provide support and guidance on how to navigate these complex issues and really help you rebuild that trust and strengthen the relationships going forward. Ultimately take responsibility for your actions.

Everybody, me included, all of us are responsible for our own actions and the impact that they have on our relationships. It's important for us to take responsibility for the things that we think and how we feel and what we do and work towards rebuilding trust and repairing any damage that's been caused by infidelity or if you're on the betrayed side facilitating a relationship where that trust can be rebuilt and there isn't just a wall there and putting all the pressure on to the other person whether that is being facilitated by technology or not. In this episode I've gone into reasonable detail about how technology has made it easier for people to cheat on their partners.

In the first part I discussed how social media, dating apps and texting can all be used for infidelity. You've heard some statistics on social media and how that's contributed to the increase and I've also explored the lesser-known elements of infidelity, of technology's impacts on infidelity such as online gaming, pornography and also how things like augmented reality and artificial intelligence and virtual reality are all having potentially some unknown future impacts on our relationships going forward. Finally there's the insights and what you can do to help you better reduce the risk of these things happening in the first place, dealing with them if they do happen and how you can approach that but ultimately the main purpose of this episode was to shed light on the complex ways in which technology can impact relationships and because technology now does play such a intertwined part of all of our lives, being able to deal with this going forward in a healthy and productive way is essential.

As you know infidelity is a complex issue and it can have significant impact on those that it affects. Technology has undoubtedly made it easier for people to engage in these kinds of extramarital affairs but it's important to remember that technology alone is not the cause of infidelity. At the end of the day infidelity is still a choice that the individual makes and it's important to take full responsibility for your own actions.

It's also important to recognise that technology has many benefits and has actually enriched our lives in many many ways, however like any tool it can also be misused. So it's up to you, it's up to the individuals to use technology mindfully and to establish healthy boundaries and expectations around its use. Finally the key to navigating the complex issue of infidelity in the age of technology is open and honest communication, both with yourself and with your partner.

By establishing this trust and setting clear boundaries, communicating openly and honestly, you and your partner can strengthen their relationship, strengthen your relationship and protect yourselves against the risks of infidelity going forward. Remember seeking help is a sign of strength and there is no shame in reaching out for support when you need it. Together we can work to build healthy fulfilling relationships, navigate the complex challenges of this modern world and stop you feeling paralysed by betrayal.

Thank you ever so much for listening, I'll talk to you soon.