3: Misjudging Others

When betrayal shakes your world, it’s easy to assume the worst about others, especially your partner. Our minds create stories, turning small moments into proof of deeper pain. But what if those assumptions aren’t always true?

Key Takeaways

• Understand how assumptions can distort your partner’s actions and intentions.

• Recognise the danger of expecting others to validate your worth.

• Learn why misjudgements fuel conflict and create emotional distance.

• Discover how communication and clarity can break damaging cycles.

• Reclaim your power by choosing self-worth over false interpretations.

💬 Reflection question:

Have you ever caught yourself misjudging your partner’s actions and later discovered the truth was different? How did it affect your relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode 3 of After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. So thanks again and thank you to everybody who's listened to the first two episodes.

It's been wonderful to see all the downloads and some of the comments and messages that I've received so really really grateful for that and I just hope it continues to be useful for people. So let's get started. Today I have been thinking a lot about the way we misinterpret each other and I think this is a prominent feature in all relationships but even more so with ones that involve infidelity and misjudging others.

I started thinking about this because of a conversation I was having with my sister just the other day and we were talking about how over the years how we've changed as adults and in terms of how well we deal with situations that arise out of the blue. So you know you're faced with something that perhaps isn't ideally aligned with what you thought might happen that day, something unexpected like some you've just received some bad news or your favourite sports team lost the big game. Anyway it got us talking and we were both sort of reminiscing about what it was like when we were younger and she began to recall this story of an incident that happened to her about 15 years ago or so and she was driving home from work late after a late shift.

There wasn't much traffic on the road because it was nearly midnight and on the way home there's this hill there's quite a steep hill. My sister's car doesn't have very much power it was only or the one that she had at the time didn't have very much power so when you know for anybody who's familiar with a low-powered car you have to plan your overtaking manoeuvres in advance, get a bit of a run-up to make sure that you can get past and on this steep hill it splits into two lanes to allow you to get past the slower traffic. As she approached the bottom of the hill she saw a vehicle in front going quite slowly it was a taxi and so she thought okay I'll get my foot down and start to build up enough speed so I can get past and as she pulled out to go to overtake it this car swerved out in front of her blocking her path and she had to, you know, apply the brakes and slow down and pull back in behind it.

Although there was no, I don't think there was anything outwardly displayed at the time in terms of like, you know, beeping her horn or flashing lights she was certainly quite annoyed by it and I think muttered multiple expletives under her breath in the car and probably not even under her breath and, you know, probably waved her arm around in frustration but ultimately ended up back behind the car. They continued along the road through this village for about another mile and a half and then as you come out of the village it changes from a 30 mile per hour zone up to a 60 mile per hour zone. This car, this taxi, had continued to drive quite slowly well below the speed limit for the majority of that time and also perhaps not, you know, had been sort of like deviating off the road very slightly, not really focused.

So it was uncertain exactly, you know, what the behaviour of this vehicle in front was going to be like. So as she approached this, you know, increase in speed limit section she again started to have a second attempt to overtake so she started to accelerate towards so that she could pull out and overtake. Just as she was approaching the back of the car before pulling out the car slammed its brakes on and she couldn't get out of the way in time, slammed her brakes on but ultimately ended up skidding into the back of the car, the back of this taxi, and they both came to a halt.

I will point out that there was, although they were travelling along, the speed wasn't particularly high so although there was quite a bit of damage done to her car, it crumpled the front bumper and the bonnet, there was nobody injured. It was more just a shock for them both. They both get out of the car and she approaches him and he approaches her and they're both quite frustrated in the moment, they're both quite verbally aggressive towards each other, both essentially blaming the other for what had just happened.

Anyway, they are obviously able to, you know, finish this conversation and, you know, exchange the necessary insurance details and both make their own ways home and my sister's car, although damaged, was still drivable and then unfortunately when it came to seeing about getting it repaired the cost of repairs were greater than the value of the car so unfortunately Dorothy, as the car was affectionately named, became no more and had to be scrapped. So let's pull this apart a bit. What actually happened here? Well, she'd had a long shift at work and her main focus was just about getting home, you know, so she could go to bed and get some rest and do whatever she needed to do.

We've got no idea what the driver of the taxi was actually doing and what he was actually experiencing. It turns out he was in the taxi on his own so it's not like he had passengers there at the time. Maybe he was looking for somebody's address and wasn't sure where he was.

I mean, it was a number of years ago and not necessarily all taxi drivers had sat-nav, perhaps particularly ones that just focused on, you know, local areas. They tend to be quite familiar with the road networks anyway and so it wasn't obvious at all as to what was, what it was that was causing his particular driving behaviour. So when she sees this car going slow when there's no traffic around, the automatic assumption was what's that idiot doing? Why is he driving so slow? And without really any thoughts as to what possible reasons there actually were for why he was driving that way, I mean there could have been any number of reasons.

Maybe he'd just discovered that his wife was having an affair. Maybe he'd been diagnosed that day with some illness. Maybe he was drunk.

Maybe he was genuinely lost. Maybe he was... who knows. The point is we don't know.

To automatically assume that it's just because he's, quote, an idiot is... yeah, I mean, you could laugh it off but in reality it's an automatic assumption and what that did then is shifted her mindset into a place of him versus her. So as the journey progressed over the next mile or two, excuse me, down the road, she was already annoyed at him because of the behaviour on the hill. So when it gets a couple of miles down the road and there's this opportunity to overtake and he ends up slamming his brakes on and of course she ends up going into the back of him, it just reinforces her belief that he is driving like an idiot.

He was going slow. He was going well below the speed limit. He swerved out into the middle of the road.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't think that this is unusual behaviour but what I am saying is that I don't know the reason for it. I'm not saying that this behaviour is normal. I'm not saying that it's acceptable behaviour.

I'm not saying any of that. What I am saying is that we don't know the actual reason for why he was driving the way he was. There was just this automatic assumption that was made and this assumption, whether it was right or wrong, was kind of irrelevant because it caused her to feel frustrated.

Now of course all of this was just my sister's recollection of what happened and there's no way of knowing for certain exactly what even her behaviour might have been. Perhaps that maybe she was driving right up at the back of him, almost to make a point after that instant on the hill. Maybe she was swerving, slightly weaving in and out and constantly looking to overtake and he can see the headlight popping in and out of his wing mirror and there's no way of really knowing exactly what he was thinking.

Again, taking it back to the instant on the hill, who knows what the reason was. Maybe he was using his mobile phone, maybe he was changing the music on his stereo, maybe he'd just taken a call to pick up a new client and he'd just been distracted momentarily which caused him to swerve out into the road again. No one is claiming this is acceptable but then again we just don't know to be honest and to be honest it doesn't really matter.

It didn't really matter what the real reason was. My sister had already made her mind up about him from that first behaviour on the hill and then everything that happened from that was stemmed from that preconceived idea that she had about him, who he was and how he showed up and all of the things that go with that. She then perhaps behaved herself in a way that was slightly different.

She was thinking something along the lines of this guy's an idiot and by thinking that that's what caused her to feel frustrated and then her behaviour changed. She became maybe a bit more impatient, she became a bit more erratic potentially and started weaving in and out a little bit, looking for the first opportunity to be able to overtake. Perhaps by the time it came to overtaking the taxi driver maybe saw the headlights getting closer and closer and closer and he was thinking that she was tailgating him.

So he's like well I'm just gonna stamp on my brakes, let's see how much space you've given me and of course it proved you know to not be the best outcome for either of them. They still had the inconvenience, both cars were still damaged, both people were still shocked, both people were angry and both people blamed the other person. So how does this all relate to discovering your partner's behaviour after an affair? There's a common assumption that I've seen the portrayed spouse make and this isn't a hard fast rule but it's certainly a common theme.

They think that the partner has done it almost intentionally to hurt them. How could that person love me this much? How could that person say that they love me and yet do something that hurts me so much? Why would they do that? Why are they so selfish? Why are they so inconsiderate? How the hell has this come to happen and what have I done wrong? Of course from the perspective of the unfaithful partner, in all honesty as selfish as it sounds, they're not really thinking about the partner. They're just thinking about the feeling that they're experiencing at the time, that feeling of excitement, the feeling of affection and the fact that they're getting attention in a way that they've not had either before or not for a long time.

They have already decided that their husband or wives are responsible for how they feel. What I mean by that, they think that because their partner has maybe not showed up in a certain way, maybe they've not made the bed when they've been asked to, maybe they've not put the toilet seat down again, they've not fixed that shelf that's coming a bit loose, they've not filled the car with fuel or maybe they've not kissed me as when I've arrived home or they've not said I love you as as they leave or you know and they begin to build this whole list and then they can make that mean that because they're not doing all of those things that are listed that they're, well think of it like this, well my husband obviously doesn't care. My husband doesn't like me otherwise surely he would do all of those things that that I've listed, all those things I expect.

My husband isn't bothered so why the hell should I be bothered? You know and once you start telling yourself these stories it becomes like the standard. It's almost like it's to be expected. So if we think back to the taxi driver and the incident on the hill, once my sister had witnessed that first initial thing, that bit where he pulled out, she then had this thought of well you know he's an idiot and then everything that happened beyond that she was prejudging.

She was treating him as though somebody who was already an idiot let's say and she was looking at it through that filter so she was predicting the behaviour and it was actually irrelevant of whether that behaviour ended up happening or not. It didn't really make a difference. There was already this assumption which then changed her behaviour and possibly even maybe caused him to then react in the way that he did.

So it's sort of done like a full circle and of course when we bring that back to our relationships we do exactly the same thing. We see something that our partner does and then we reinforce that because we expect that that's how they're going to show up and then we get annoyed about it. And I want to offer how unuseful an approach this can be.

It just doesn't serve us as individuals. It doesn't serve the relationship as a whole when you're putting expectations on your partner to manage how you feel and the moment that you do that then you're just relinquishing all power. You are saying that well everything just happens to me.

You know it's very easy to get into like a victim mentality. Everybody's against me. My partner's against me and when you start feeling like that then of course you start looking for validation elsewhere.

And for the person who is in the betrayed spot, even though they might not know it at this moment, they are looking at it from another perspective. It's like well it doesn't matter what I do I'm still being prejudged all the time. There's an expectation being made of me all the time so why would I bother? And then of course you both just... the communication breaks down and things just don't go quite the way you'd hope.

I know that some people listening are going to say but oh yeah but Luke but there's you know I do all of the things for my wife. I... well I did all the things for my wife. You know I did the making of the beds and making sure the toilet seat was down and fixing any DIY jobs that need doing.

In fact when she was out I would often you know do the hoovering and or the vacuuming and and you know wash the dishes and the... and do the odd little jobs and all the little things that need doing. I'll book a car in for a service I would you know try and go the extra mile to sort of really satisfy her in a way to try and make her feel better. And of course you can't control how she feels particularly if she's already looking at you through this this filter that's maybe built up over a long period of time and she's not maybe paying attention to how that looks.

One of the things that was said to me after I got divorced was that she hadn't noticed how ambitious I was. I'd been stuck in or appeared at least been working for the same company for ten years and although I'd moved up within the company it was quite a small company there wasn't really anywhere any further I could go and I'd I'd reached that position fairly early on you know with it within two or three years probably. And so to her it looked like I wasn't being ambitious but to me I was thinking well you know I've got a secure stable job the location is close you know our kids went to school or my eldest went to school in in the same village that I was working there was a lot of convenience that came into play.

Plus I wasn't really sure exactly what it was I wanted to do and I didn't want to make a change for the sake of making a change you know we weren't struggling financially so to me I thought I was doing the best thing for the family for us as a whole but the way that she interpreted it was that I just didn't seem to have that drive and ambition you know which is interesting given that you know that actually isn't a very good representation of me at all and although she can see that now of course this is after the event you know things that things have changed and yeah I thought that was just a fascinating thing that I'd not realised and I can imagine that for many of you out there there's similar things happening. So I suppose that the final question is well how do we stop this how do we how do we nip this in the bud how do we either prevent this from happening in the first place which is arguably going to be too late for most of the people listening but but how do we then improve the relationship with our partners with our ex-partners with our future partners or if we've chosen to stay how do we rebuild that relationship in a way that helps you know not come across these same stumbling blocks. So my advice is this.

Talk. Communicate. Establish between the pair of you exactly what it is that you want from each other and why you want those things from each other and what you expect.

Ask yourself what you expect to feel when your partner behaves in a certain way and how much are you expecting of your partner for you to feel validated for you to feel like you are enough because I can tell you right now that you are already enough and it doesn't matter what story you have it doesn't matter what you tell me. We could be sitting in a one-to-one coaching session and you could be telling me the the most you know a story with with all of the things that have gone wrong in your life and all of the things that you've done and the way that you've shown up and that you're not worth this and you've never made any progression you've never got the promotion and you've you know you'd all you've always felt like you are just not just not good enough. Well I'm telling you that that's crap.

You are good enough and you always were and you always will be and the only person who can't see it is you and the problem is you're trying to seek that from somebody else and unfortunately we can't control how other people act we can't control how other people think and how they feel so because of that we're we're basically completely we're putting ourselves in a victim a place of victim whereby we are completely reliant on other people's words and actions to make us feel like we're worthy and we always fall short so just stop looking for it and realise that it's all within you and when you start showing up for yourself in a way where you believe that you're worthy then I guarantee you the people around you will see it in you too. So that's everything I have for you today and thank you again ever so much for listening and just just know that you've got this that we can get through this that infidelity doesn't define you. That's everything I've got for you today and thank you ever so much again for listening.

If you'd like to learn a little bit more about me then please visit my website at lifecoachluke.com where you can download my guide to surviving the affair. You can also follow me on social media on Facebook and Instagram both at mylifecoachluke. I hope this has been useful for you and I can't wait to talk to you again next week so take care have a great weekend and speak to you soon!