26. Secrets of an Infidelity Coach

Ever wondered what it's really like behind the scenes of helping others navigate the emotional wreckage of betrayal? Whether you're still reeling from infidelity or questioning what your next move should be, this episode offers rare insight into the inner workings of a relationship coach who’s lived it and now helps others heal from it.

In this honest, unscripted episode, I’m revealing the secrets of an infidelity coach by answering the most common (and some surprising) questions I’ve been asked.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand the real reasons people cheat, beyond the typical assumptions.

• Learn how guilt and shame keep people stuck, and how to release them.

• Discover what actually helps rebuild trust, even after deep betrayal.

• Explore why many clients aren’t sure whether to stay or leave and how to get clarity.

• Unpack common infidelity myths, including the belief that affairs always mean the end.

💬 Reflection questions:

What question would you ask an infidelity coach? Has anything surprised you about the way infidelity is understood or handled?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings episode number 26. So in the habit of mixing things up every now and then this episode is going to be a little bit different.

I'm going to explore the secrets of being an infidelity coach. Now this is probably an ideal time for me to have a co-host but unfortunately the budget doesn't currently allow so I'm gonna have to actually ask the questions myself so forgive me for this but hopefully that won't get in the way. Where have these questions come from you might ask? Well I've compiled them from questions that I get in online forums, from emails that I receive, sometimes questions that potential clients have when we're first having a conversation together and also just general conversations that I have with friends, family and just anybody I meet really.

So let's get started and maybe should put on a different voice now. Okay let's begin. So number one.

So how did you become an infidelity coach and what motivates you to help people navigate this difficult and sensitive issue in their relationships? So first of all how did I become an infidelity coach? Well my journey I suppose began after I had experienced infidelity myself. I had been the betrayed spouse as some of you will already know and that ended up in separation and divorce. Me and my ex-wife have two children and there was always a drive to want to maintain as good a co-parent relationship as possible.

Initially for the sake of our children but actually in reality I quickly learned it was for my own sake. Because I knew this person was going to be linked to me for the rest of my life in some way shape or form as the mother of our children, it made perfect sense to really try and make that as easy as possible. Then when combining everything that I've learned on my own healing journey, my own recovery, combining that with the skills knowledge and techniques and concepts that I'd picked up during my coach training, that I recognised I could help people through this same experience at a level or a speed maybe that would not follow the traditional timeline for how long it takes to heal and move forward from a relationship breakdown or even just any kind of betrayal.

So these two things seemed to make perfect sense to me and that's kind of how I started to become an infidelity coach. And of course to the latter part of the question, which is what motivates me to help people, well a big chunk of it is literally the pain that I experienced. I recognised and I know how much that I wanted that to go away and I wished I could just turn back time feeling like I had all that power taken away from me, the rook had been pulled from under my feet.

It's a phrase that I've used many times before and of course infidelity is a sensitive and complex issue and as we know it can have a profound impact on people's lives and their relationships. So helping people navigate these emotional areas and dealing with the practical challenges that come up with infidelity, from coping with the initial shock and then the betrayal as a whole to moving through grief and rebuilding trust and intimacy and connection within a relationship, simply knowing that I could have an impact on someone's life in that way and be able to create a life that I also love for myself at the same time, it was a no-brainer. Okay number two, in your experience what are some of the most common reasons why people engage in infidelity and how do you address these with your clients? There are many reasons that people engage in infidelity.

As the betrayed it's easy to assume that the motivations of their unfaithful partner are all for the same reasons, such as it's just about sex or it's because I'm not good-looking enough or on the flip side it's because they're selfish or narcissistic. Although they are some of the reasons, they are not all. People can engage in infidelity because they are dissatisfied, they've experienced neglect in their relationship and are not getting the attention that they maybe feel that they deserve, they have fallen out of love, there are anger issues or commitment issues, maybe there are addiction issues, unmet needs or a lack of variety, so they seek validation or excitement outside of their primary partner.

In some cases there is limerence masquerading as love. Listen to last week's episode to learn more about that. What is similar across the board though is the currency in which all human beings trade and that is dopamine.

At the core of every story there is a desire to feel better in some way and the human brain does not care how that is achieved, it just wants the dopamine. Something else to consider is how did the affair begin, what were the circumstances, the situation that allowed it to develop, and of course there are many different types. Was it an emotional affair and therefore it was something that was built through connection let's say, or maybe it's a purely romantic element, maybe there's an element of their current relationship that they feel is missing, so they're seeking romance specifically elsewhere.

We've already spoken about addiction, so there's things like sex addiction or love addiction or limerence. Then there's accidental affairs, which might sound like an excuse and it's not, there's no such thing as a true accidental affair, it's always a choice, but when you think about situations, maybe if alcohol has been involved or there are certain or very specific circumstances that have happened which have led somebody to make a poor decision in the moment, but the situation has increased the likelihood that that choice was even available. There are online only affairs, there are affairs that are genuinely to hurt the other partner, such as revenge affairs, although these are rarer.

Then on to the latter part of the question and how I address these things with my clients, well first we look at the individual situation and we get very clear on what the facts are of the stories that they've been telling themselves. There are certain things that have happened which we consider circumstances and these are the things that we can't influence, we can't change, they've already happened. It's usually something that's been done by another person, it's not something that we can control and although it's natural to repeat a cycle of upset and anger, disappointment, resentment and shock and all of the other emotions that we experience, they do not move us forward.

So being able to just separate those things and look at them objectively is really the first step before we even consider how we begin to process these things. Question number three, can you share some of the most surprising or unexpected things that you've learned about infidelity through your work as a coach? So in terms of just infidelity in itself, prior to me experiencing it, it wasn't something that I've really paid a huge amount of attention to and I think that that is true for most people who experience it. So the first thing that I noticed which was surprising to me is just how common infidelity is within our society.

Despite the taboo and stigma surrounding infidelity, studies suggest that there's a significant percentage of relationships where some form of extramarital affair or sexual activity outside of the primary relationship has occurred. I think I'd perhaps believed that a topic that was taboo was in part because it was uncommon, as in the more something happened in society, the more commonplace it is and therefore by definition the less taboo it would be. However, extramarital affairs are very common.

Another thing that surprised me was the stereotype around who it is that actually cheats. I think maybe I'd grown up thinking that men were much more likely to cheat than women and although the data on this is always difficult to collect, from what I've learned myself it is true that men probably do cheat a little bit more than women across the board. However, that's not really the whole picture.

People aged 18 to 30, let's say, then the difference in cheating from what the studies seem to draw on is that there's actually very little difference between men and women. The same again for the next age group of 30 to 40 and again for the 40 to 50 range. So up until that age actually things are pretty similar on both the male and female side.

As we get older, so into our 50s, 60s and even 70s, then it does seem that men do cheat more than women later on in life and I think there's all kinds of conversations and questions and analysis that could be done about that but overall I think in terms of what I found unexpected and what was so surprising to me is that actually how similar it is for both men and women to cheat. On to question four. How do you help clients who are struggling with feelings of guilt or shame related to infidelity and what strategies have you found to be most effective in helping them overcome these emotions? First of all I think it's important to recognise that guilt and shame are common emotions that you are likely to experience when being confronted with infidelity and this can show up on both sides, both the unfaithful or the betrayed.

When it comes to any negative emotion, one of the things that our brains are wanting to do to try and keep us safe is to prevent it. It will use one of the three most common methods of dealing with that emotion and that is to avoid, to resist or to react to the emotion. The reality being that each of these responses sustain the emotion.

By avoiding it, resisting and reacting to it, it actually keeps the negative emotion in play and in full view. It therefore becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. One of the things that I like to help my clients do early on is actually getting good at handling discomfort and I think it's worth remembering what an emotion is.

It's just a vibration in the body and although it can be extremely unpleasant to experience, it doesn't actually do you any harm and emotions, all of them, pass. This is true at every single level. So really embracing it and knowing that you're safe no matter what happens, being comfortable with that negative emotion allows it to be processed.

It opens the door for letting it just be and then it doesn't become so scary and with that you can become more intentional with your thinking which can bring on more desirable, more positive emotions which will create much more purposeful actions and results in your life. So that's usually where I start. Question number five is what advice do you have for individuals who are currently engaging in or considering infidelity and how can they address these feelings or behaviours in a healthy and productive way? So let's just clarify that infidelity is a form of betrayal and there are no reasons that I can think of that justify it.

However I recognise that human desire and feelings and behaviours are influenced by things that sometimes feel like they're out of our control. This however is actually never true but I recognise that this is what the individual may feel in the moment. One of the first things I would suggest is to really explore what it is that you think you will achieve by committing the infidelity.

What is it that you have missing in your life that you are trying to fulfil? Is there some other underlying issue, maybe some past trauma or maybe some damage from a previous relationship, either with a partner or sometimes even with key members of your family or friends that you have witnessed or influenced or been influenced by? I would highly recommend seeking professional support to help you really uncover the thoughts and feelings that are driving your actions or at the very least your desire. Consider practising empathy for the other people involved not just your partner because the potential consequences and impacts are not only your own relationship but the relationships with the other people that you are involved with are extremely painful for everybody involved. Next question number six so is how do you approach working with couples who have experienced infidelity and what strategies have you found to be most effective in helping them rebuild trust and intimacy within their relationship? I focus on rebuilding trust and improving communication and strengthening intimacy through a combination of coaching techniques and different concepts and sometimes that involves practical strategies and looking at conflict resolution and really sort of building a deeper connection.

Now the interesting part is I usually work with clients on a one-to-one basis. I firmly believe that a relationship can be significantly impacted and improved by only one person making a difference and taking responsibility for themselves. Of course if both people do this then even better but I have worked with clients where their partner has received no professional help, in fact they've even chosen not to work on themselves specifically at all, but my client has done and that in itself has significantly improved the relationship.

So there's not always the need for both partners to engage in the professional help however there are circumstances where facing each other in a safe and controlled environment is very useful and impactful, particularly where communication is a problem and this is where a couples therapist can be very practical. I would normally work with couples individually and this also proves to be very effective. Question number seven, what role do communication and honesty play in preventing or addressing infidelity and how do you encourage your clients to cultivate these skills in their relationships? So this follows a little bit on from the last question.

Communication without doubt is an extremely important part of any relationship, in fact relationships of any description, whether they be romantic or otherwise, they really struggle to exist if there's no communication and the more honest and open that communication is the safer the person can feel with their respective relationship partner and that will then create the foundations to build trust. Now building trust can take time and I think it's important to recognise that trust for example is a feeling, it's not a definitive thing, it's not something that somebody can pay you say 20 tokens worth of trust and then you trust them, it's something that is completely subjective to you. Somebody could be by definition trustworthy but that doesn't necessarily mean that you trust them, so the trust comes from within and not from the other person.

Being able to communicate and to be honest not only increases the likelihood that your partner will reciprocate that but it means that you are also taking full responsibility for yourself, so that's where it begins. It begins with the work that you do on yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, understanding what role you have to play in the relationship. These are essential skills and although there is no guarantee to ever prevent betrayal from the other partner because we don't have the ability to control the other people in our lives, you can have a significant influence on the likelihood that that person would ever even want to cheat.

As for specific strategies and techniques, I will often role-play certain conversations with my clients to help them practise active listening and become less reactive in the moment during a conversation with their partner. This can involve setting clear boundaries and being honest with themselves about what they hope to achieve and why. Question 8. How do you help clients navigate the decision of whether to stay or leave a relationship after infidelity has occurred and what factors do you encourage them to consider in making this choice? Many of my clients want the answer to this question.

They want an instruction guide of exactly how to get through this process. What are the steps to take? A done-for-you solution would be the ideal scenario to just remove the pain and I completely understand that. The thing is deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship after infidelity is difficult and it's complex so I encourage my clients to consider their personal values, their goals, their priorities as well as the impact of the infidelity on themselves and their partner before making a definitive decision.

I cannot possibly know what is the right decision for any of my clients and for you but I can help them get clear on their own motivations and their core reasons for why they're wanting to do what they want to do whether that be to stay or to leave. After you've had a significant or traumatic experience like infidelity it can often mask other things that maybe were or weren't going on in the relationship beforehand. Many people want to write those things off because they feel that they are the victim in the situation and that now anything that you had done beforehand that contributed to not the infidelity specifically but to maybe the overall quality of the relationship, bringing those things back into question, you sometimes you feel like you can sometimes maybe want to avoid that responsibility somehow.

So getting very clear on what you want and why you want it is an important first step when it comes to making a decision. And the final question is what are some of the biggest misconceptions or myths about infidelity and how do you address these with your client? For me the biggest supposed myth that I was aware of is that infidelity means the end of the relationship, certainly from a social expectation point of view. Anybody outside of the relationship assumes that if infidelity has occurred then that means you can no longer trust that person and the relationship is over.

The reality however is quite different. Now of course there are lots of relationships that maybe should come to an end and that's okay and the infidelity although not the ideal way to complete a relationship it could be an opportunity to leave an otherwise unhealthy relationship. However that is not true in many cases and if people choose to stay in their relationship and they want to make it work then actually the circumstance of infidelity can be a major catalyst in terms of shaking up both partners to really get to explore themselves and their relationship on the whole and come out of the other side significantly better than they had done before.

In fact I had a client say to me just the other day how he believed he now believed that his wife's affair was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. And on that bombshell that's everything I have for you today. Thank you ever so much for listening.

If you have any questions please reach out directly at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com Subscribe to my weekly newsletter and download my free first steps guide from my website at www.lifecoachluke.com. Otherwise I look forward to speaking to you next week and talk again soon. Bye!