25. The Power of Limerence

When your partner is gripped by infatuation with someone else, it can feel like you're living with a stranger. Their behaviour shifts, their focus drifts, and you're left trying to make sense of a reality that feels both surreal and deeply painful. You might be wondering, Is this really love, or something else entirely? 

In this episode, we uncover the often misunderstood concept of limerence, a powerful emotional state that can fuel affairs, cloud judgment, and devastate committed relationships.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand "what is limerence?" as a psychological state of emotional fantasy, not genuine love.

• Learn the most common signs and behaviours of limerence, including obsessive thoughts and irrational actions.

• Gain insight into why limerence often leads to betrayal and emotional disconnection in long-term relationships.

• Discover how to care for yourself while dealing with a limerent partner, including boundary-setting and emotional validation.

• Explore practical strategies to manage or move beyond limerence, especially if you’re experiencing it yourself.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you or your partner experienced the emotional intensity of limerence? How did it affect your relationship or healing journey?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 25 of the After the Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. As an infidelity coach I have worked with countless individuals who have been involved in extramarital affairs and one of the things that seems to come up quite often and actually even more so just recently in many of these cases is the experience of limerence.

Now limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tenoff in the 1970s to describe an intense state of romantic infatuation. People in the throes of limerence often experience obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours related to their object of affections, often known as the limerent object, leading them to feel a powerful sense of euphoria and ecstasy when they're in close proximity to the person they are fixated on. While limerence can be a thrilling and exhilarating experience it can also be highly destructive, especially when it occurs within the context of a committed relationship.

Today I'm going to explore the phenomenon of limerence in greater detail, examining its causes, symptoms and potential consequences for those who experience it. Limerence is a complex psychological phenomenon that can arise from a variety of different factors. In some cases it can be triggered by a powerful physical attraction to someone, while in others it may be as a result of a deep emotional connection that develops gradually over time.

One of the key features of limerence is its unpredictability. People who experience it often find themselves swept up in the intensity of their feelings with little control over their thoughts or actions, or at least that's how it seems. This can be both exhilarating and terrifying, as individuals may find themselves acting in ways that are completely out of character for them.

There is also evidence to suggest that limerence may be linked to certain neurological and biochemical processes in the brain. For example, studies have shown that people in the throes of limerence often exhibit elevated levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, two neurotransmitters associated with pleasure and excitement. So what are some of the telltale signs that someone is experiencing limerence? Here are just a few of the most common symptoms.

Obsessive thoughts about the object of affection or limerent object. People in the depths of limerence may find themselves constantly thinking about the person they are fixated on, replaying interactions and conversations in their head again and again. A heightened emotional intensity.

Limerence can be an incredibly intense emotional experience, with people often feeling the powerful sense of euphoria or ecstasy that I mentioned before when they are near the object of their affection. Then there's irrational behaviour. People in the grips of limerence may act in ways that are just completely out of character for them, which can lead to engaging in impulsive or risky behaviour in an attempt to connect with their affair partner or limerent object.

Something I see very often with my clients is as their partner's behaviour can suddenly change and it can appear irrational in some cases. And of course this is in part driven by a desire just to keep the secret a secret, but that in itself is often driven by the belief that they are in love with their affair partner when the reality is that they are being driven by the limerence itself. Then there's the difficulty of focussing on other aspects of life.

Limerence can be all-consuming, leaving little room for other thoughts or activities and people in the depths of it may find it difficult to focus on work, hobbies and just generally other aspects of their life. While limerence can be incredibly powerful and exhilarating, it can also be the source of destruction, particularly when it occurs within a committed or long-lasting relationship. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame and betrayal on the part of the person experiencing limerence, as well as significant emotional pain for the betrayed partner.

Of course infidelity becomes a very real risk. People who are experiencing limerence may find it really difficult to resist the urge to act on their feelings, even if doing so would be detrimental to their primary relationship and this regularly can and does lead to infidelity. Dealing with limerence as the betrayed spouse can be really tough.

It's normal to feel a lot of emotions like anger, sadness and confusion. One of the best things you can do is find someone to talk to about it, like a friend or a professional. It's important to know that limerence is not your fault and it's not something that you can control.

If you're comfortable, try talking to your spouse about what's going on. It might be a difficult conversation though, because it's not something that they may even recognise themselves, but it's important to express your feelings and concerns and if your spouse is engaging in risky or inappropriate behaviour, you might need to set some boundaries to protect yourself and your relationship. During this difficult time, it's important to focus on taking care of yourself and this applies to almost every step of the healing journey.

As you heard me mention many times before, this could mean making sure that you are eating well or sleeping enough and doing the things that make you happy, like going for walks or watching your favourite TV show, spending time with friends. It may also be worth considering things from the perspective of your limerent partner. What they are experiencing seems uncontrollable.

They are having frequent intrusive thoughts and although I recognise that normally we would consider intrusive thoughts as being purely negative, of course they can actually be positive as well, particularly if they are intense feelings of lust and infatuation and desire and a real strong need to be with their affair partner or limerent object. These can actually be overwhelming to the point where their normal actions and behaviours start to get affected. So it starts to affect how they're showing up as a wife or husband or as a parent or as a friend, maybe in social groups, sometimes even how they behave at work.

All of these things can start to take a sideline because of the intrusive thoughts about the limerent object. There's also this strong desire for reciprocation from the limerent object. There's a very internal need to want to be continuing this cycle so that they're getting that reciprocation.

They're putting the effort in so that they're receiving it in return. They also become very very fearful of rejection and they've created an environment, in many cases unintentionally, whereby they're now dependent on the attention that they're receiving from the limerent object or at least from the thoughts that they're having about the limerent object and the thoughts of being rejected and that being pushed away is almost more scary to them in the moment than losing their primary relationship which they've been building for years and years. And of course to the betrayed spouse this just seems crazy.

Trying to get your head around this can sometimes just not seem to make sense but when we look at it purely from their perspective then that is really what they are experiencing. I think it's worth mentioning the similarity between limerence and the honeymoon period that people experience at the beginning of any relationship. Limerence is a state of intense infatuation and obsession that some people experience when they develop strong feelings for someone.

It's important to note that this doesn't necessarily mean it's in a sexual context but rather a fantasy of what life might look like with that person. Limerence can be short-lived but it's usually very intense and can be both delightful and painful for those experiencing it. The fear of loss is very real for those in a state of limerence.

It's also important to understand that to the person experiencing limerence it feels like true love. They may feel like they found their soulmate and that the affair partner is fulfilling parts of their desires that they didn't even know were missing. There's also this concept that they're in love with the idea of being in love but they don't realise or recognise this in the moment.

Limerence can be all-consuming and it can last for weeks, months and in extreme cases even years. The honeymoon period on the other hand refers to the early stages of a romantic relationship where everything feels exciting and new. Couples in the honeymoon period tend to be very affectionate towards each other and they may feel a sense of euphoria and happiness.

While there are similarities between the honeymoon period and limerence there are also key differences. The honeymoon period involves both people being mutually attracted to each other with the same long-term goals. If your partner is experiencing limerence it's important to understand that it's a very powerful experience and that there's a good chance that your partner will not be rational when it comes to exploring this.

If you recognise that your partner is in a state of limerence unfortunately there's not much you can do to get them to stop the affair. It's really up to the person experiencing it to recognise it for themselves and work through it. I'd like to spend this last part talking specifically to those who are either experiencing limerence or it's been suggested to them that that might be something that's going on.

They've learned this word, obviously you've already listened to the podcast up until this point or have got a pretty good idea but now I'm talking directly to you. I just want to remind you that limerence is a state of mind and it's characterised by an intense infatuation and the obsessive thoughts about another person. It is often described as a feeling of being madly in love with someone and can lead to the intrusive and irrational behaviours.

So if you are experiencing limerence there are several signs that you can look for to recognise it within yourself including constantly thinking about the object of your affection even when you should be focussing on other things. Obsessively checking your phone or social media accounts for messages or updates from them. Feeling anxious or irritable when you're away from them.

Creating elaborate fantasies about your future together. Ignoring or rationalising any flaws or red flags in the other person and this last one is extremely important. We hear the term blinded by love and this is a real example of how that can show up.

If you do recognise any of these signs in yourself it's important to take steps to address limerence and prevent it from taking over your life. There is still a chance that you can save what you have if you're in a committed primary relationship and here are some of the strategies that might be helpful. Acknowledge your feelings.

Recognise that what you're experiencing is limerence and not love and it may be clouding your judgement and causing you to behave in completely irrational ways. Really you want to limit contact and if possible cut all contact but at least try and limit your contact with the person that you're fixated with. This can help reduce the intensity of your feelings over time.

Focus on other things. Try to redirect your thoughts and energy towards other activities and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfilment and thinking towards your current relationship, your primary relationship, then focus on all of the strengths and the positives and areas that you can grow and build and reconnect with your partner. The things that are missing perhaps before which may be led you down this path.

Now is a time to really take responsibility for yourself. Understand what it is that you are seeking elsewhere and why you don't feel fulfilled and asking those questions of yourself. Then you can seek support and consider using a professional, a therapist or a coach or a trusted friend about your feelings and they can provide you with an outside perspective or offer guidance on how to move forward.

And as with everybody, I've already mentioned this before today, is practising that self-care. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, nutritionally, you know including getting exercise, getting enough sleep and practising mindfulness or meditation to help manage your emotions. Remember, limerence is a temporary state of mind and with time and effort you can overcome it and move on to a healthier more balanced relationships.

If you or anybody you know is experiencing limerence or the after-effects of an affair then please know that help is available. Reach out to me directly, you can email me personally at luke at lifecoachluke.com. Alternatively you can contact me on my social media accounts Facebook or Instagram and just reach out for at mylifecoachluke. Okay that's everything I have for you today.

Thanks ever so much for listening and I'll speak to you next week.