24. Jealousy Unmasked

Jealousy is a powerful emotion, especially after infidelity. Whether you're the betrayed partner or the unfaithful one, it can creep in unexpectedly, fuel disconnection, and sabotage your healing. But what if jealousy wasn’t the enemy, but a messenger?

In this episode of After the Affair, we unpack what jealousy after infidelity really is, where it comes from, and how it shows up differently in your life and relationships. You’ll learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy, and how to transform it into growth, connection, and emotional clarity.

Key Takeaways:

• Jealousy is a signal, not a flaw; learn what it’s really trying to tell you.

• Unspoken insecurities fuel suspicion and resentment.

• You can’t control your partner, but you can control your thoughts.

• Understanding jealousy’s roots creates space for healing and empathy.

• Healthy boundaries and open dialogue are essential for trust post-infidelity.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you struggled with jealousy in your relationship, especially after betrayal? What helped, and what didn’t?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast episode number 24. Are you the jealous type? Jealousy can come from many sources such as low self-esteem, a history of abandonment or past experiences with betrayal.

It can show up in different ways depending on the person and the relationship including feelings of insecurity, possessiveness and suspicion. While some degree of jealousy may be healthy in a relationship it can become problematic if it leads to controlling or abusive behaviour. Take Samantha and her husband John.

They've been married for several years. They both have successful careers and a happy life together. One day Samantha gets a promotion at work and her job requires her to travel frequently.

John becomes jealous of her success and feels threatened by her job. He starts to act distant and cold towards Samantha which causes tension and arguments between them. Samantha becomes frustrated and feels like John just doesn't support her career.

Their jealousy and lack of communication begin to damage their relationship. Before long Samantha begins to receive attention from a work colleague. Over time she starts to share some of her challenges she's facing in connecting with her husband like she used to.

When the work colleague offers support and validation combined with an obvious interest in Samantha this becomes just the beginning of a slippery slope for Samantha and John's marriage. John, who already felt jealous, has inadvertently increased the disconnection between himself and his wife for no rational reason. It was simply because he wasn't secure enough in himself to allow Samantha to have some success.

Unbeknown to him his jealousy fuelled the connection between Samantha and the new work colleague without either himself or Samantha really being consciously aware of it. Now depending on the future actions of Samantha John might really have something to be jealous about. In relationships where betrayal has occurred jealousy can be particularly challenging to manage.

Infidelity in particular can be a major breach of trust and can leave the betrayed partner feeling hurt, angry and insecure. Rebuilding trust after infidelity can take time. It can take commitment and a lot of hard work from both partners.

One important step in overcoming jealousy and rebuilding trust after infidelity is to have an open and honest communication. Both partners need to feel willing and to be able to be willing to talk about their feelings, their fears and their concerns in a completely non-judgemental way. This could be challenging as it requires vulnerability and a real willingness to listen to one another.

However it's essential for moving forward and rebuilding a healthy relationship. Professional help can also be a really helpful resource for couples who are struggling with jealousy and infidelity. A trained therapist or coach can provide a truly safe and neutral space for both partners to really explore their feelings and work through their issues in a healthy and constructive way.

This is equally true for the individual as well. This doesn't always have to be done in a couples setting, a couples environment. A relationship is one person's thoughts about another person and therefore you can't control the other person anyway.

Working individually means you have all the control when working on yourself. You are able to actually have a huge impact on your relationship by working on your own thoughts and your own feelings and really understanding that without being, or feeling at least, like you're being controlled or influenced or manipulated in any way by the other person's behaviour. In addition to communication and the professional help, there are other strategies that couples can use to overcome jealousy and rebuild trust after infidelity.

These may include setting clear boundaries and expectations, finding ways to reconnect emotionally with one another and practising forgiveness and compassion. It's important to remember that overcoming jealousy and infidelity is not a quick or easy process. It takes time, patience and a lot of hard work from both partners.

However, with commitment and a willingness to work together, couples really can move past these challenges and build stronger, healthier relationships in the long run. When preparing for this podcast episode, I looked on Google to see what questions people were asking specifically around jealousy and I thought I would just answer them, keep it simple. So the first question is, what are some common sources of jealousy in relationships? Well, of course jealousy can show up in many different ways.

It often stems, like I mentioned before, from low self-esteem. Sometimes it can come from a history of abandonment and generally speaking it's from past experiences of betrayal and in some cases infidelity. And that betrayal can stem from everything from childhood level to, you know, maybe you had a best friend at school and you spent all day every day with them and then all of a sudden some new friend came into the group and took the attention away.

You felt like you were competing all the time, you were trying to get involved but you always felt like you were left out. Jealousy started to seep in and then maybe you behaved in a way that you weren't proud of on reflection. And of course as kids, you know, we go through an emotional roller coaster every single day but as we move through to adulthood that becomes, you know, a bit harder to manage because it's not as acceptable to just lash out or throw your best friend's toy across the room or push them out of the way or whatever response that you might have had or literally just go and run away crying or shouting.

You know, that becomes much less manageable as an adult. And then as we move to the adult relationships then this again can be many different ways. So perhaps it's a sibling rivalry.

Maybe one child feels like that they've always had the attention from their parents growing up, they've always had that like silver spoon handed to them where the other ones had to work hard, never been good enough, always felt like they've fallen short in some way and there's nothing that they can do to compete. And this can lead to a real deep internal jealousy because it's not something that they can escape when you are, you know, essentially blood linked, blood relative, then it's very hard to just turn your eye away from that one person and just remove that one person from your life without having a huge impact on your overall relationships with your family as a whole. Another example might be in the workplace.

You maybe have a work colleague that's sort of on par with you in some respects and maybe a new opening has come for a promotion and you both apply for it and one of you gets it and the other doesn't. Again sort of quickly sparking some kind of jealousy. It creates like a separation between you and them in terms of how you see yourselves.

It's almost like a status change in some respects and I think that can really sort of manifest in those environments and it's something I think we should all pay attention to because the reality is that jealousy itself is just a thought. It's just a feeling. It's just an experience that we have.

You can't really like tie it down to any specific metric. You can't measure it in any particular way. It's completely subjective, pretty much just like all of the emotions that we experience and jealousy is no different.

One thing I think is worth mentioning at this point is the difference between jealousy and envy, or at least my interpretation at best. So when we feel jealous we usually want the person or thing that we are jealous of to have its benefits that as we see them to be taken away from them so that we can feel better. So when we see somebody have something that we want and we feel jealous we want them to not have that thing so that we don't feel so bad.

It's more like dragging that person back down to our level. When we feel envy, well that's a different, that's more like well I'm it comes from a place of admiration. It comes from a place of aspiration.

Maybe you could look at that person and say actually that's something that I want in my life. What can I do to get myself to that same position? That person doesn't need to be reduced in any way. They don't need to have anything taken away from them for me to feel better or for me to gain that thing that I am envious of.

Okay the next question is how can jealousy show up in different ways? So okay I think we've maybe covered this a little bit on the last question but jealousy can appear in many different ways of course depending on the person and the relationship itself. Some people may experience feelings of insecurity or inadequacy whereas others might become more possessive and controlling. Suspicion, anger and resentment are also common you know examples of how jealousy can form.

So it can definitely appear in different ways. I say from one extreme would be more like the insecure level and that just feeling like you're not good enough, not worthy and then the other end being more a case of that anger and resentment which would probably be more apparent in say infidelity for example. Often you can feel that anger and resentment towards either your partner who's betrayed you or the affair partner.

Okay next question what is the difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy in a relationship? Okay well first question I suppose is is there healthy jealousy in a relationship? I suppose that is a straightforward question. Well yes I think there is. Healthy jealousy would involve having you know at least that feeling of a normal level of protectiveness and I'm not sure I want to use the word possessiveness but like just some element of yeah I think protectiveness is probably the best word over your partner without it leading to a controlling or abusive type of relationship.

Whereas your unhealthy jealousy, that really does involve a much more irrational behaviour, it often involves excessive suspicion, it does involve possessiveness like ownership almost and that real control and that can really damage the relationship and harm the individuals involved. How can jealousy and insecurity impact the relationship? Okay so jealousy and insecurity can have a huge impact on a relationship. They can lead to feelings of mistrust, resentment and anger as we've already spoken about, as well as this controlling or abusive behaviour.

Over time jealousy and insecurity can erode the emotional connection between the partners and make it really difficult to maintain a healthy loving relationship. It's important for individuals I think to address these issues and really work towards building a more secure and trusting partnership. If this isn't acknowledged and worked on it can only lead to a further degrading of the relationship.

It will increase that disconnection and ultimately get to a place where the relationship can't be sustainable anymore. However if some of these patterns are recognised early enough then actually you can correct it and you can improve and often actually exceed your own expectations of what that relationship maybe had to offer. This can be done through seeking the help of a professional, you know practising the open and honest communication that we've spoken about and really working to develop your own self-confidence and self-esteem.

Okay next question so what are some effective strategies for managing jealousy in a relationship? Okay so there's a few things here so let's start with trying to understand the root cause. Try and understand the underlying cause of the jealousy. Why are you jealous? Is it related to a past experience? Is it a specific behaviour of your partner or is it your own insecurity? I think once you've identified that root cause you can actually then start to begin to address it.

Again I'll come back to this communicating. Communicating openly and honestly. You know talking to your partner about your feelings.

Talking to your partner about how you feel this jealousy and just be honest. Be honest about how you feel and why you feel that way. I think it's really important to communicate that without blaming or accusing your partner and I think that's the key thing here.

I think the moment this is where often the communication and the relationship can break down is if you start communicating it in a way where you are apportioning the blame to the partner then of course that relationship can be damaged as a result. Look after yourself. You know you've heard me say this before on the podcast and I'm not just saying it for the sake of it.

Really do practise self-care. Take care of yourself and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Whether this is exercise or meditations, time with friends or pursuing you know a hobby.

Set boundaries. Establish clear boundaries with your partner about what behaviour is and isn't acceptable in the relationship. Now I think it's probably recommended that you go back and listen to the boundaries episode to get a full understanding of what boundaries are.

There's the common misconception that boundaries are like instructions. Like they are ultimatums. They are threats in some way and of course that's absolutely not what boundaries are.

Boundaries are a protective measure which involves a request and a consequence. But they always come from a place of love and it only affects you. It's to protect you from, it's to protect your emotional well-being, not the other person.

The other person can still continue to do their behaviour, whatever that is. But you are taking actions to protect yourself if they continue that behaviour. Okay next question then.

So how can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity? Okay so in addition to everything that I've already mentioned, to rebuild trust full responsibility should be taken on behalf of the unfaithful spouse for their own actions. Genuine remorse should be shown and if required multiple apologies given. However words only go so far.

It's a rare human, including myself, that has never broken a promise that they've made to themselves. If we can all openly acknowledge that even with the best of intentions, poor choices are sometimes made, then we can offer some compassion for those who have betrayed us. Remember this is not condoning or improving or approving, sorry, in any way.

It just allows us to understand the position of the people we never thought capable of betraying us find themselves in, under the right or sometimes wrong circumstances. Transparency is crucial in helping the betrayed partner gain confidence in their unfaithful spouse so that they can be trusted again. Trust of course is subjective, it's a feeling.

There are no specific metrics that you can use to establish how much you do or don't trust your partner or anyone for that matter. Then you can practise patience. Rebuilding trust takes time and patience.

It is important for both partners to be patient and understanding as they work through the difficult emotions and challenges that come with this process. Of course this implies, you know, okay we may have slipped a little bit over more into the trust element, rebuilding that trust after infidelity, but of course we're also rebuilding trust after we felt jealousy. Because that jealousy has come from some uncertainty about our partner's behaviour, it's become from some expectation that we think is, you know, going on in their lives.

And we're now learning to trust ourselves, trust our own judgments and trust the actions of our partner in such a way that actually we have no need to feel jealousy. So I think they're equally, you know, they match and work together very well. Okay so that's everything I have for you today.

Thank you ever so much for listening as always. Once again if you have not already downloaded my free First Steps guide for After the Affair then please visit my website to do so. Join my weekly newsletter at lifecoachloop.com forward slash subscribe and I will talk to you next week.