23. The Danger of People Pleasing

After infidelity, it’s easy to fall into the trap of doing anything to keep the peace, especially if you were the unfaithful partner. But when you constantly say “yes” to avoid conflict or seek approval, you're not just losing yourself, you’re undermining trust and connection.

In this episode of After the Affair, I unpack how people-pleasing shows up post-infidelity, why it can be a hidden form of manipulation, and how to break the cycle. Whether you’re trying to rebuild your relationship or simply understand yourself better, this conversation is a must-listen.

Key Takeaways:

• People-pleasing isn’t kindness; it’s often rooted in fear and avoidance.

• Saying yes when you mean no erodes your self-worth and relationships.

• People-pleasers are often praised for empathy, but misuse it to predict and control outcomes.

• After infidelity, people-pleasing masks vulnerability and slows true healing.

• Boundaries and honesty rebuild trust, not compliance or overcompensation.

💬 Reflection questions:

Do you ever find yourself trying to “fix” things just to keep the peace? Are you saying yes out of love, or fear?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings episode number 23. Have you ever found yourself saying yes to something even though you really meant to say no? Are you constantly putting others needs before your own? Somehow you've taken it upon yourself to know what everybody else wants and needs even though it was never requested and it isn't actually your job? Or are you often apologising for things or accepting fault for something that wasn't your responsibility? You end up agreeing with things that other people say automatically and then realise afterwards that you don't actually agree with it but you don't want to say it now because you've already gone along with it.

Well my friends you may very well be a people pleaser but you're in safe hands trust me I know what it's like. I have wasted many an hour trying to logistically organise family get-togethers from which at best would have a 50% success rate and the rest of the time it's left me feeling totally overwhelmed anxious and to be honest frazzled. I do not recommend.

But why do we do it? Why do we sacrifice our own needs and desires for the sake of others? Well it's pretty simple for most of us we just don't like to feel bad. Think about the motivational triad again. Avoid pain, seek pleasure and use the least amount of energy.

We avoid that discomfort, we chase that feel-good factor and trying to make someone else feel a certain way which by the way is just an attempt to make ourselves feel better and entirely dependent on the other person's response. And then the final nail in the coffin is the irony that in some cases our attempt to consume the least energy actually takes much much more by chasing an outcome that we actually can't control. It all comes down to some variation of fear of rejection and a desire for approval.

We want to be liked and accepted by those around us and we believe that saying yes and going along with what others want is often the best way to achieve that. But here's the thing, people pleasing doesn't actually lead to a genuine connection and acceptance. In fact it often has the opposite effect.

When we constantly put others first we neglect our own needs and then we end up feeling resentful and unappreciated. And when we're not true to ourselves and our own values we come across as inauthentic and untrustworthy which actually can push people away. Now people pleasers are dishonest, they are liars and that might be tough to hear for some of you but hear me out.

People pleasing often involves saying yes to things that we don't really want to do or agreeing with opinions that we don't actually share. In these situations people pleasers are being dishonest and not true to themselves and misaligned with their own values. This can lead to a lack of authenticity which can then make it difficult for others to trust them.

Beyond that people pleasing can often result in a greater disconnection from the person they were actually trying to please. When we constantly put others first and neglect our own needs we end up feeling resentful and unappreciated and this can lead to breakdown in relationships. It's important to recognise when people pleasing is getting in the way of who we want to be.

Now people pleasing is very common but where does it actually come from? Well it can come from a variety of sources including socialisation, personality traits, past experiences and cultural influences. From a young age we're often taught to prioritise the needs and desires of others especially those in authority or with a greater social status than ourselves. This can include parents, teachers and also you know a variety of other authority figures.

Were you praised for being obedient and accommodating as a child? Perhaps this taught you to prioritise the needs of others over your own. We all have individual personality traits. Those who measure high in agreeableness can make them more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviour.

There's a tendency to prioritise harmony and avoid conflict which can then lead them to prioritise others needs over their own. For some the experiences we have particularly where we have felt rejected or abandoned in the past are more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviour as a way of gaining acceptance and avoiding that future rejection. Or how about people who have been praised for their accommodating behaviour in the past? This significantly increases the chance that they may continue to engage in people-pleasing as a way of receiving validation and ultimately approval from others.

In some cultures putting the needs of others before your own is actually seen as a virtue. People who come from these cultures may have learned that accommodating others is an important part of being a good person. It's important to note that people- pleasing behaviour is not inherently bad and there are many situations where it actually can be quite helpful and in some cases necessary.

It's often the result of a deep-seated desire for approval and a fear of rejection. However when people prioritise others needs over their own to the point of neglecting their own needs or desires it can be detrimental to their mental health and emotional well-being and therefore their relationships can suffer. Now people-pleasing can show up in a variety of different types of relationships and after infidelity is no exception, particularly for the unfaithful spouse.

Remember people-pleasing is a common behaviour pattern where someone seeks to gain approval. They are trying to regain acceptance or specifically trying to avoid further conflict with their partner by pleasing them in some way and of course after infidelity people-pleasing can really manifest itself in several ways. For instance the person who cheated may feel guilty and ashamed leading to excessive apologies to their partner in an effort to make amends and while it's important to apologise and take responsibility for your actions this can be a form of people-pleasing and if it's done to gain approval and avoid conflict then it becomes a form of manipulation.

When the person who cheated feels like they need to make it up to their partner it can lead to agreeing to everything simply just to avoid that future conflict and ultimately keep their partner happy. This is an example of them not being true to their own needs and desires. Furthermore they may feel like the need to improve their commitment to their partner by putting their partner's needs and wants above their own and while it is important to be considerate of your partner's feelings this in itself is not useful in building a sustainable trusting connection between you.

This couldn't be truer after trust has already been broken. It's already very fragile so as the unfaithful spouse your efforts to rebuild the relationship with your partner needs to be done compassionately and not just an additional attempt to manipulate your partner's feelings or try to hide your own intentions in any way. With all of this comes a strong desire to avoid future conflict.

The unfaithful partner who both wants and has the opportunity to rebuild their relationship can find themselves stepping on eggshells during their betrayed partner's recovery therefore avoiding confrontation is a priority and they will go to great lengths to avoid it because they recognise that they're trying to rebuild the relationship and they recognise that future confrontation could end up pushing their partner over the edge. They feel very vulnerable at this point which can lead to various people-pleasing behaviours. Overall people-pleasing after infidelity can be a way for the person who cheated to try and regain their partner's trust and approval however it's important for both partners to communicate honestly and openly about their needs and feelings.

The person who cheated really should work on building that self-awareness and setting strong boundaries for themselves to really avoid falling into these people-pleasing patterns again and by doing so they really can establish trust and authenticity in their relationship moving forward and in a healthy and positive direction. So what's the solution? It's not about becoming selfish or rude, it's about learning to set boundaries and prioritise your own well-being while still being kind and compassionate to others. People-pleasers are often very empathic and that usually is a very desirable trait to have as a human being and is a great way to connect with other people.

The problem is that it can sometimes lead us to predict how we think other people will feel and when we do that we then want to try and use that empathic knowledge to do things in an attempt to make that person feel better and that's okay but when we think back to the rule books that we have for other people in our lives and I talk more about this in episode 12, if we have some expectation that we've assumed using our quote-unquote empathic powers that this person is going to feel a certain way should I do this particular thing then maybe just check in with yourself and ask what is it that you are really trying to achieve. When you can do something for your partner or any person for that matter from a place of love and not hold any expectation as to how they should respond and more importantly not allow your emotions to be dependent on their response then you are no longer people-pleasing. So the next time you find yourself saying yes when really you meant no, take a step back and ask yourself am I doing this out of genuine kindness and generosity or out of fear of rejection? Remember that it's okay to put yourself first sometimes and that true connection and acceptance in all of your relationships come from being authentic and true to who you are.

If at any point during your time listening to this podcast you've had any questions that you want answering or any specific topics that you'd like me to cover then please let me know. You can contact me at luke at lifecoachluke.com. I would love to answer some of these questions in a future episode. Simply drop me an email with podcast questions in the subject line and I will ensure that I get a response to as many as I possibly can in an upcoming episode.

Otherwise thank you for listening once again today and I look forward to speaking to you again next week. Take care.