22. The Blame Shame Game

When you've been betrayed, it’s natural to want answers: Who’s to blame? Could I have done more? But underneath the finger-pointing, many betrayed partners find themselves carrying an unexpected burden: shame. You didn’t cause the affair, but you may still feel responsible, and that emotional tug-of-war can be exhausting.

In this episode of After the Affair, we explore the complicated emotional cycle of blame and shame after infidelity. You’ll discover why both emotions show up, how they feed each other, and what it takes to break free. Whether you're trying to understand your own feelings or struggling to let go of someone else’s choices, this one’s for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Blame is often a shield, protecting you from the deeper pain of shame.

• Shame after betrayal is common but rarely justified; it’s not your fault.

• Your partner’s actions are not a reflection of your worth.

• Breaking the blame-shame cycle starts with awareness and self-compassion.

• Healing is possible when you stop carrying what was never yours to begin with.

💬 Reflection question:

Have you noticed yourself flipping between blaming them and blaming yourself?

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• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

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Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to episode number 22 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Today I want to talk about the complex interplay between blame and shame, particularly in the aftermath of infidelity. Infidelity is a painful and often traumatic experience for people.

It involves breaking the trust and commitment that form the foundation of most relationships. When infidelity occurs it often results in feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, sadness, just to name a few. As a result it can be challenging to navigate the complicated emotional landscape that comes with it.

One of the most significant challenges that people face is the experience of blame and shame. Blame involves assigning responsibility for an event or a situation. Blame is a powerful emotion that arises when we perceive that someone else has done something wrong or harmful and we believe that they are responsible for the negative outcome.

Blame can serve as a way to hold others accountable for their actions and a way to protect ourselves from harm and it often takes the form of an accusation or judgement against somebody else. As a result it can also be a source of conflict and can have a devastating impact on our relationships with others. One reason why we might feel blame is that we have a sense of justice or fairness.

We believe that people should be held accountable for their actions and we may feel a sense of outrage when we believe that someone has done something that violates our sense of what is right or fair. For example, if a friend breaks a promise or fails to follow through on a commitment we may feel that they are to blame for the negative consequences that result. Blame can also arise when we feel a sense of disappointment or hurt.

If someone has let us down or betrayed our trust we may feel that they're to blame for our pain and suffering. In this way blame can be a way of expressing our feelings and seeking validation and support from others. This is particularly true in the context of infidelity.

For example, one partner might blame the other for causing the pain or they might be blaming themselves for not being able to prevent the infidelity or they're blaming the whole relationship for not being strong enough in the first place. Shame on the other hand is a complex emotion that can arise for a variety of reasons. It typically involves a sense of feeling inadequate, flawed or defective in some way.

Shame can be triggered by a range of experience such as personal failures, social rejection, betrayal or having experienced abuse or trauma. One common theory of shame suggests that it arises from a discrepancy between a person's ideal self and their actual self. In other words, when people believe that they have failed to live up to their own expectations or standards they may experience shame as a result.

If someone values honesty and integrity they may experience shame if they tell a lie or act in a way that is inconsistent with their values. Another theory of shame suggests that it is a social emotion that comes from a fear of social disconnection or rejection. According to this theory people are social animals and rely on social connections and relationships for survival and well-being.

As a result they may experience shame when they perceive that they have violated social norms or expectations as this may lead to social rejection or disconnection. With either theory the impact is the same. An expectation has not been met and shame displays itself as a form of self-punishment.

After an affair shame can take on many forms such as feeling ashamed for being cheated on, feeling ashamed for not being enough for your partner or feeling ashamed for not being able to keep the relationship intact. The combined experience of blame and shame can be debilitating and can lead to a range of additional negative emotions. People may feel angry and resentful towards their partner, experience guilt and blame themselves for the infidelity or feel ashamed of being cheated on.

They may also experience depression, anxiety and stress. It is therefore essential to acknowledge and address both blame and shame in order to move forward after infidelity. I recognise that shame is probably not the emotion that you would expect to feel after you have been betrayed.

Blame on the other hand, well that seems like a given. It turns out that in many cases, arguably most cases, blame and shame are closely tied together. But why would I feel shame as a betrayed spouse? How can I be responsible for this? Surely it was my partner's action that's causing all this negative emotion, this awful situation that I found myself in and I just don't know how to handle it.

Acknowledging and addressing blame involves taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions and as we've discussed in previous episodes it's really about managing the thoughts around the situation. In this case infidelity is just a circumstance, it's just a neutral thing that happens in the world and people do it. We can't control other people remember? So unfortunately these things do happen and it doesn't matter what expectations we have, we still can't force or guarantee that other people aren't going to always comply with those expectations.

It also involves being honest with your partner about how you feel and communicating openly about the impact that infidelity has had on the relationship. This can be difficult because it requires vulnerability and honesty but it is crucial for building trust and repairing the relationship. Now this applies slightly more towards those who have remained in the relationship after infidelity and I appreciate that that doesn't apply to everybody.

I'd like to point out that some relationships probably shouldn't be saved, especially if they're not healthy. I don't believe that every relationship should be saved, it doesn't make sense to do it just for the sake of doing it. That said there are many whose relationships come to an end because of infidelity yet they probably could have been saved and not only could it have been saved but it could have actually become a lot stronger on the other side if the two partners were able to connect on a level and take responsibility for their actions and to improve their communication and understand why they're feeling the way that they're feeling so they can explore and really build and grow their relationship to a level that may never have reached without this betrayal.

It's also important to recognise that blame and shame are not always justified or helpful. Sometimes they're based on inaccurate or distorted perceptions and that can really prevent healing and growth. For example blaming yourself for the infidelity may not be helpful because it is the responsibility of your partner who cheated.

Similarly feeling ashamed for being cheated on may also not be helpful because this implies that you are in some way responsible for the actions of the other person and as I've just mentioned we know that that's not the case and in these cases it may be helpful to challenge your own beliefs and really work towards a more compassionate and even forgiven, sorry forgiving perspective. Ultimately if a couple wants to heal after infidelity then forgiveness really does need to come into the equation at some point. It doesn't necessarily need to be reached before moving forward, that's sometimes quite an unrealistic expectation but to consider spending the rest of your life with that person without forgiving them and without you forgiving yourself is probably not going to be sustainable.

Let's walk through a scenario. You have discovered that your partner has been unfaithful. As the initial shock begins to subside the anger and resentment start to bubble up.

You have been hurt by this person and they deserve to pay. You're not exactly sure what that looks like but it feels right. The primitive part of you is in full-on defence mode keep me safe at all costs, protect me from future danger and this is where the blame comes in.

Blame is an outward emotion and works hard to prevent you from feeling any responsibility. Even if this were true and you were in no way responsible, your brain is not prepared to take any chances. The second part is as you start to believe that even though you weren't responsible for your partner's actions, how did you not notice? How did you miss the signs? What will people think? Wasn't I good enough? And boom, hello shame.

Shame is a lonely and scary place to be so blame comes to the rescue. Until you realise how crappy that is, then shame comes knocking on the door again and so the blame-shame game ensues. The blame was there to protect you from the shame.

The problem is they are both terrible emotions and are extremely unlikely to have a positive outcome. Being stuck in this cycle is not only unpleasant but it prevents you from even considering what forgiving might look like for you. If the concept of forgiveness is new for you or perhaps your idea of what you thought forgiveness meant is now in question, you can learn more in episode 18 and spoiler alert, it doesn't mean letting your partner off the hook.

You've heard me mention things like carrying the burden, carrying that weight on your shoulders and dragging it along with you or the analogy whereby you've put your emotions into a cupboard, shut the door and thrown the key away. You're just avoiding the emotion and that will work for a little while but I know that in some cases it can remain not just for years but decades. Ultimately the process of healing after infidelity is completely unique to each individual and every relationship.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution and you know people may need to experiment with different approaches to find out what works for them. It is important though to recognise that blame is a natural normal human emotion, however it is important to use it constructively and not let it become a source of conflict or harm in your relationships. This may involve communicating your feelings in a calm and assertive way, seeking to understand the other person's perspective and working towards a solution that is mutually acceptable.

It may also involve recognising that sometimes things happen that are beyond your control and that blame is not always the most helpful or productive response. By cultivating a sense of empathy and understanding you can develop more positive and supportive relationships with others. As for shame, as a complex and often painful emotion it can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional well-being.

It is important to recognise and acknowledge feelings of shame, to work through them and to seek help from a professional where necessary. By doing so you can learn to manage your shame and move towards a more positive and healthy way of life. I really do think it's essential to recognise the complexity of the emotional landscape that comes with infidelity and really to take the time to work through your feelings and really understand them, not be afraid of them.

So to conclude, infidelity is a challenging and often painful experience that can result in feelings of blame and shame. Acknowledge and address both of these emotions in order to move forward and heal after infidelity by taking responsibility for yourself, by taking responsibility for your feelings and your actions, communicating effectively and moving forward. And finally let me just remind you that if you or anyone you know has been affected by betrayal in their relationships, then I can assure you that help is available.

Not only through this podcast but through my free downloads, my weekly newsletter and of course my one-to-one coaching. You can learn more by visiting LifeCoachLuke.com or joining my mailing list at LifeCoachLuke.com forward slash subscribe. I'd also like to just take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for listening and for showing up every week.

It's so wonderful to know that the work that I'm putting in on this end is being used and hopefully people are learning and moving and progressing in their relationships as a result of it. It's quite heartwarming. So thank you ever so much again and I'll talk to you again very very soon.