21. Why People Cheat

When you've been betrayed, one of the most agonising questions is “Why?”. Why did they cheat? What made them risk everything? In this episode of After the Affair, I unpack the uncomfortable truth: cheating is rarely a mistake. It’s a choice, and behind every choice is a reason.

Together, we explore the psychological drivers of infidelity (why people cheat), from unmet emotional needs and insecure attachment styles to the innate human desire for validation and excitement. If you've ever found yourself spiralling into self-blame or confusion, this episode offers clarity, insight, and a path forward.

Key Takeaways:

• Cheating is a choice, not a mistake and understanding this is crucial for healing.

• Low self-esteem and lack of validation often drive individuals to seek attention elsewhere.

• Attachment styles play a significant role: avoidant and anxious patterns can create emotional disconnects.

• The “chimp brain” explains emotional reactions: you can train it, but you must first understand it.

• Taking responsibility for your healing gives you the power to reclaim your self-worth and future.

💬 Reflection question:

Have you ever asked yourself why your partner cheated or even why you stayed?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to episode number 21 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. One of the most challenging things to overcome when healing from any kind of betrayal is the search for a clear reason as to why you were betrayed. I've seen people justify their partner's behaviour as a mistake, something I don't believe is useful.

Almost all the behaviours carried out by our friends, family and spouses are choices. They made a choice not a mistake. A mistake is an unplanned error, usually where one outcome was expected but another outcome happened.

Those who betray are fully aware that what they are doing will be considered a boundary violation within the relationship. So first today we'll look at what are some of the common reasons that drive them to make that choice. Why do people stray? And then we'll explore why so many people fail to manage these situations which ultimately lead to the pain felt not just by the betrayed but the family and friends of both partners.

So first on the list is self-esteem. Self-esteem can play a key role in infidelity. Low self-confidence and trust can affect a person's self-esteem.

When coupled with a lack of reassurance, affection and attention from your partner, individuals may seek external validation. This validation can come in many forms such as looking at other people's relationships online or at work and finding a connection with someone who ticks boxes that were not previously acknowledged. Beyond self-esteem there can also be a lack of love in relationships but this lack of love is maybe not always quite as clear as you might think.

So a lack of love can be a reason for infidelity in a relationship whether it's one partner experiencing reduced feelings of love or the other partner falling out of love. The feeling of being unloved, which is the key here, can cause insecurity and a need to seek attention and affection from someone else. This could begin with innocent exploration and escalate to a point where boundaries are crossed.

Although people may not think of it as protecting themselves, it is an instinctive response to not keep all of their eggs in one basket and to keep themselves safe. This can lead to a low commitment in relationships. This can happen particularly when one partner has an avoidant attachment style and doesn't want to show vulnerability or expose themselves to further risk.

This can be compounded if the other partner has an anxious attachment style. The lack of commitment from the partner with the avoidant attachment style can lead to making up stories about why the relationship isn't working and the desire to look for something better. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally and it's not only the avoidant partner that can fall prey in this situation.

The anxious partner is equally vulnerable to strain in the relationship because of the lack of validation they seek from their partner, the lack of validation that they're receiving. There is often a need for variety. Some people feel the need for variety and it's often said that variety is the spice of life.

However this can lead to the problem of always feeling like the grass is greener on the other side. We may wonder if we're missing out on something, something more exciting or better by staying in our current situation. This fear of missing out can be a weak excuse for blaming our partners for our unhappiness.

It's important to remember that we are responsible for our own happiness and that expecting our partners to fulfil all our needs and desires can lead to feelings of neglect and disappointment. If our partners don't meet our expectations we're the ones who feel bad not them and we may be tempted to seek fulfilment elsewhere but it's essential to take responsibility for your own happiness and work on finding joy in your current situation. Of course I mentioned neglect there so you know have you ever felt like your partner's interest or hobby is taking up a significant amount of their time and effort and you're left feeling neglected? Well neglect is not a feeling that anybody enjoys.

Regardless of their level of dependency on their partners seeking validation again that word validation and attention becomes a natural reaction to neglect. Sometimes anger is present in relationships particularly in relationships where regular disagreements occur and partners are unable to understand each other's perspectives. Frustration can lead to anger over time.

This anger can be associated with resentment and blame and then ultimately on occasion lead to revenge. We all have sexual desire and sexual desire is an inherent part of human nature driven by an instinctive desire to procreate. While this desire is strong in both men and women it can often lead to complications in relationships where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other.

In these cases it can be easy to convince themselves that in an affair scenario there is no emotional connection involved and that it is solely about the physical act of sex. For many people this doesn't devalue the overall context of their main relationship as they still love and care for their partner in all other aspects. Finally is the situational and circumstantial elements that contribute to infidelity particularly in workplaces where people spend a lot of time together and build rapport through shared experiences, humour and support.

The situation can be detached from the stresses of home life and this association with a person in a specific situation can create an attraction. However it's not always about the person but sometimes the situation itself that creates the potential for an affair. Now I want to talk about the reasons why it's hard to overcome certain behaviours and emotions, specifically why we struggle with actions that are considered taboo like infidelity or any kind of response or action that may hurt other people.

One of the main reasons behind this is the natural human behaviours that we exhibit. Although these actions may be understandable in certain situations it's essential to question why we do them. A helpful analogy to understand our brain better is the concept of the chimp paradox.

In the book of the same name by author and psychiatrist Steve Peters the chimp brain is a primitive part of our brain considered part of the limbic system. The concept describes the scientific observations of blood flow to different areas of the brain following a stimulus. The brain is separated into three main areas.

This is an oversimplified view but a useful way of understanding ourselves and the reason that we do the things we do. The three areas are the human brain, the chimp brain and the computer brain. So let's look at these individually.

The human brain is the logical, rational and decision-making part of us. It has distinct personalities and prefers to use logic, reality and truths. It enables us to delay gratification by planning for future events.

The chimp brain is thought of as a separate entity that we can manage and train much like we do with our pets. It's the emotional part of our brain. It operates independently and communicates emotional thoughts and feelings that can be either constructive or destructive.

It interprets the world through emotions causing us to feel discomfort before we apply logic to the situation. This often leads to undesirable responses, undesirable outcomes where we blow things out of proportion, lash out or just simply say things that we don't mean. The chimp is driven by primitive desires such as seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

It acts without thought and is much more powerful than the human brain. The third part, the computer brain, is like the reference section of a library where all of your memories and beliefs are stored in a complex filing system. The computer brain does not understand the relationships between all the pieces of stored information and does not have the ability to really think about it.

It is however very fast and it can deliver bits of stored information and memories and beliefs to either the chimp brain or the human brain upon request very quickly. It actually does its job very well. Much like a librarian may know the exact location of each book within the library, they don't know the context and nuances of each book or the style of the author or the context in which it was written.

Because the chimp brain is responsible for the fight-flight-freeze response, it can be both your best friend and your worst enemy because it's emotionally reactive. This is the chimp paradox. Think back to last week's episode discussing the self-coaching model, in particular the thoughts line.

Remember thoughts are sentences in our mind and we use these sentences to describe or to interpret the world around us, to interpret the circumstances. To overcome these destructive emotions and behaviours we must acknowledge that our thoughts are optional. We don't have to act out on every thought that comes into our head.

We get to choose which thoughts to obey, which to follow and which to act from. Although we can't control how the chimp acts, we are responsible for its behaviour. We can't allow the chimp's decision to justify our poor behaviour and our poor decisions.

The chimp's responses can actually be very useful, but it's essential to keep them in check. Regardless of whether you are the betrayed spouse or the unfaithful spouse, I think it's important to acknowledge some of the things that we've discussed today. Some of the reasons that maybe led the unfaithful spouse to to part from their their own values even, let alone the combined values of the relationship.

And we just reflect on those things, the self-esteem, the lack of self-esteem in relationships, the lack of love that can lead to low commitment, the need for variety when somebody is neglected in a relationship. And again this can be on either side. If anger is continually present in a relationship through disagreements and arguments.

If there's a differing in the sexual desire of one partner and the other. And then of course the actual circumstantial situational events that might occur in individuals lives. Now of course none of this is justification for why somebody should choose or could choose to be unfaithful.

But understanding the psychology behind why people do things and many of these these things that I've just listed are driven by this chimp within our brain. This primitive need to fulfil. This primitive need to avoid danger and to seek external pleasure.

Thinking back to that validation and just better understanding that from both sides can really help the healing process. So in summary we really need to be aware of our emotions and our thoughts and just to acknowledge that we can control them and we can use logic to overcome those primitive responses. When we understand the role of the chimp in us and the human element of us, it can really help us manage to train our minds.

Now if you've been listening to this and there is any element that is resonating with you, perhaps you have been stuck for a while, perhaps longer than you imagined that you would. The infidelity happened six months ago, a year ago, two years ago maybe even more and you thought that you should be over it by now. You should have been able to get on and move forward with your life but that's not been the case.

Things keep coming up, things keep holding you back. That chimp element in your brain keeps reacting to certain stimulus but just because that's how it's been that doesn't mean that's how it needs to be. If you keep doing the same things you'll keep getting the same results but it doesn't have to be that way.

Make a change, reach out, let's talk. The people I'm working with are making huge shifts in their relationship, huge shifts in understanding why they felt stuck for so long, and I can help you do exactly the same. So as always my contact details are in the show notes.

Visit lifecoachluke.com or email me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com. I look forward to speaking to you soon.